Chapter Two: Heterosexuality/Selling Out Is Not Compulsory

                                                  Chapter Two

How Patriarchy Uses Heterosexual and Bisexual Women against Lesbians —

Heterosexuality/Selling Out Is Not Compulsory

                                                           Bev Jo

(This is the latest update of what had been our original Chapter Two,  by Bev Jo with Linda and Ruston, which included The Crimes of Mankind, now updated to be our new Chapter One.

                      Het Feminism Is a Contradiction in Terms

This chapter is not meant as a personal criticism of women who are heterosexual and/or bisexual, but as a response to the dilution of feminism by liberals/right wing women pretending to be Radical Feminists who are spreading myths and lies in order to promote heterosexuality and bisexuality for women. Decades ago, Lesbian Feminists who had previously chosen to be het claimed that “heterosexuality is compulsory” for women, ignoring the existence of Lesbians and other women who had chosen to never be het. (One of the main proponents for this propaganda was upper class and had chosen to marry a man before coming out through feminism.) All the reasons they gave for their faulty and harmful political analysis have been disproved, yet the myth continues to harm women. Radical Feminism is about finding and naming the truth.

Radical Lesbian Feminists do have a few good, trusted allies who are het women, but most het women are hostile to Lesbians, even if it isn’t obvious at first. Feminism used to challenge all aspects of heterosexuality, but now is so liberalized that many “radfems” follow the Gay male and genderqueer lie that we have no choice about one of the most important decisions we make in our lives: who we choose to love.

To find truth instead of confusion, ask, who do these politics ultimately serve?  Do these ideas challenge male supremacy at its core, or do they benefit men and help continue male rule?

How did one of the most revolutionary truths of basic Feminist and Lesbian Feminist politics, which has the potential to change all girls’ and women’s lives forever, become so hidden, denied, and lied about? Learning how and why our original inspiring politics were diluted and destroyed explains everything. True feminism is about choosing courage and the obvious truth, instead of choosing the path of fear and denial of reality.

We need to understand our history to know what happened to our wonderful, hopeful, and exciting Radical Feminist and Lesbian Feminist movement and culture. And that means learning our real history rather than the distortion which men posing as Lesbians are re-writing. (These men have far more money, power, and media access than we do, and of course are supporting male supremacy.)

No, we never joined with Gay men or the much later genderqueer movement. We said no to, and fought, the porn and sado-masochism disguised as “feminist” that invaded our communities in 1979 and later. We also always said no to the few men who posed as Lesbians. We built proud, creative communities where female-only space was the norm.

Most importantly, we fought the horrific Lesbian-hating we grew up with, from the time when there was nothing but hate and lies about us in any media, when we were told we were mentally ill and even dangerous. Rare Lesbian characters in films and books usually died at the end, and real Lesbians often hid who they were, in fear and/or shame. As a people, we were ignored, lied about, and despised.

So when Lesbian Feminists created our culture and movement, it was essential to say proudly that we chose to be Lesbians, to counteract the lies that we were born queer or made “perverts” by some girlhood trauma.

I (Bev) found Lesbian Feminism in 1970 when I was 19, and it was a dream come true. That was when a larger percentage of Lesbian Feminists were Lifelong Lesbians and Butch, having become Lesbians out of our love for other females. Also, more of us were class-oppressed. Our community reflected that strong Dyke identity. Soon the newly-out women who became Lesbians as a result of becoming feminists, and who often loved women less than they hated men, and who were majority white and middle-class, outnumbered us and changed our culture. But at the time, it seemed as if all women would soon come out. We knew that the psychoanalytical propaganda that pathologized us was lies and that all females are born Lesbian, while it’s the choosing to be het or bisexual that goes against our nature.

It wasn’t until the Eighties, that the seemingly liberal, but actually reactionary politics of “born this way” invaded our communities, having come from Gay male politicians. We were pressured to join in asking for equal rights by appealing to the pity of lawmakers – of course we “queers” (in the original insulting use of the word) would prefer to have boring, empty het lives if only we could. If Gay men said it was a choice, those in power would tell them/us to stop complaining. The entire structure of the campaign for equal rights is built on Lesbians and Gay men agreeing we are deficient in relation to heterosexuals, which is not far removed from the old American Psychiatric Association’s assertion that we are mentally ill.

But our Lesbian Feminist community had not been connected to Gay men at all. Some who had tried working with Gay men had quit in disgust at their female-hating and Lesbian-hating.1  Most Lesbian Feminists we knew were never around Gay men and had no reason to be. Our communities were completely different, which was obvious in the male porn ads we were subjected to if we got the “Lesbian” and Gay newspapers we relied on for information about events. Their focus is on sex rather than love. Men choosing to be het appear to be more relationship-oriented because they have to be if they want access to women, but in reality, few het men are monogamous, and most would live similarly to Gay men if that were possible to do with women. (Perhaps Gay men do feel they are born gay, but many more het men would choose to be gay if it weren’t for the stigma.)

Gay men have almost nothing in common with Lesbians or other women anyway, and did not experience what we did with the enormous influx of previously het women into our Lesbian Feminist communities. Only later, when Gay men formed Gay rights groups with access to media and enormous amounts of money, and needed token Lesbians to get even more money, did their politics influence Lesbian communities. And, even though Gay men publicly expressed disgust and hatred of Lesbians, the AIDS epidemic, though clearly a sexually transmitted disease, activated Lesbians to choose to support men instead of Lesbians. Even then, very few Lesbians joined with them.

What happened to the Lesbian pride we had when we said, “We do have a choice, and we choose to be Lesbians”? Returning to our original politics and knowledge makes it clear that het and bisexual women choose to collaborate with patriarchy, and also frees the many Lesbian Feminists who spend their lives working to help “free” and protect het and bisexual women from their men. It also enables Lesbian Feminists to finally make our own people a priority.

    The Heterosexist Myths that Manipulate Lesbian Feminists

We could move forward if certain women would just stop lying and playing games. (This seems to be the predominate tactic when unable to answer honestly and directly.) If you really want to be Radical Feminist, stop oppressing the women who are saying no to patriarchy, and stop lying about us. Stop pretending you are not playing both sides if you are still invested in males. Just be honest, whatever your choices are.

1. The lie that almost all girls and women are naturally heterosexual.

If this were true, why is every aspect of the media bombarding us with increasingly pornographic propaganda, from schools, books, television, films, magazines, peer pressure, and even “radfem” online groups? It starts much younger than it used to, with five year old girls policing other girls as well as adults about whether they have a “boyfriend” and, if they don’t, why not? It’s shameful for girls to admit their first feelings of love, which is for other girls, and which would continue if most did not decide later to choose boys and then men. (Some do stay following their hearts, while others regret decades of their lives wasted trying to make themselves love men.)

Every once in a while there is an extremely revealing interview, such as in television news “magazines” where a young woman, asked about her “first time” says “It was horrible, but it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?”

Privileged women riddled with STDs, some of which, like herpes and HPV, are incurable, still call themselves “hopelessly heterosexual.” If women say similar self-destructive things about being addicted to drugs or sado-masochism, friends are likely to talk about having an intervention on their behalf. Instead, the pressure from most women is to keep staying with men, no matter how abusive the men or how dangerous the consequences. When women break ranks about choosing heterosexuality, other het women try to pull them back into line.

When “feminists” insist heterosexuality in inborn and not a choice, they are supporting women to be hurt and abused by men. And they are keeping patriarchy going.

2. The lie that woman have no choice but to be het.

Well, then what about all the ex-het Lesbians who return to men for privilege?

I certainly remember the Lesbian Separatist lover I held as she told how abused she’d felt by the men she’d let fuck her, crying with her, for her. And only a few years later, she told me in graphic detail how much she loved being fucked by her new boyfriend.

It’s ignored that girls and women make thought-out choices about this. Some of us remember our teenaged friends talking with us about how they were repulsed by boys and men, but decided they had to learn to flirt to attract them or they would lost status. We remember this, even if the women who did it pretend not to.

3. The lie that it’s ‘misogynist’ to say that women can choose to not be het since they are victims.

It’s misogynist to deny women have the strength and intelligence to choose. It’s infantilizing them and is for more dangerous for them to stay with men.

It’s interesting that the strongest proponents of “Stockholm Syndrome” as the reason women stay het are women with their own husbands or boyfriends. Who else wants women to not think about any of this?  Again, het women are threatened when other het women want to break ranks.

4. The lie that Lifelong Lesbians are “lucky” to always have been a Lesbian and to never have been fucked.

Saying no to men and their women our whole lives doesn’t mean not having been raped.  How is being marginalized and oppressed as a Lesbian our entire lives, in patriarchy and even among “feminists,” “lucky?” Many Lifelong Lesbians remember being taunted and even physically attacked when they were girls by the girls who chose boys and men. Have some of those abusers grown up to be feminists spreading this insult?

5.  The lie that het women are more oppressed than Lesbians.

Seriously?  Are we not living in the same world?

              The Power of Women to Choose Who They Love

So, how does male supremacy succeed, when females outnumber males and are longer-lived than them? The answer is that het women support it. Males couldn’t continue their crimes against the earth if women didn’t collaborate with them. Patriarchy couldn’t exist without them.  Males need females for their very creation and for their survival.2

Dyke courage built the International Women’s Liberation Movement. Yet the focus of mainstream feminism, including Lesbian feminism, remains reformist — a way for het women to get a better deal from male rule — not a way to change patriarchy. Enormous Lesbian energy goes into working for het women to gain more rights from their men.

Feminist goals are primarily het-identified: contraception and abortion (to make fucking easier), divorce and alimony, support for battered women’s refuges, pay for housework, childcare (with the emphasis on the father’s role), and the creation of a “men’s movement” to help “free” men from their own sexism. (Of course we support women’s rights to contraception and abortion, but we think fighting for them is het women’s responsibility, not Lesbians’.)

Yet most feminists show their ingratitude by denying the existence of Lesbians in their organizations. They’re Lesbian-hating personally and politically. They’re willing to sell out their Lesbian “sisters” in order to not disturb their men. The few het feminist groups that do recognize Lesbian existence tokenize and objectify us, and still expect us to make their het concerns primary.

Why are het feminists like this? It’s because they don’t really want to challenge the basic foundations of male supremacy. They’d rather gain acceptance into male power structures and share the roles of prime ministers, presidents, and executives with men. The less privileged het feminists who have no hope of such goals want to at least share their own men’s male privilege and to receive heterosexual privilege instead of Lesbian oppression.

(After writing our book, I do want to say that I have some het women friends who I love dearly. Interestingly, most aren’t feminists and it probably makes it easier that we don’t have political discussions. I met them in the Rat Community, which is an international community of people, about 99% women, who love and work for the acceptance of rats, and who do rescue work on behalf of rats. Maybe these women are special because they’ve opened their hearts and minds to these gentle, intelligent, loving little animals who are feared and hated simply because of who they are without being known as individuals, just as Lesbians are.)

                                  The Heterosexist Hierarchy

Besides the unequal hierarchy among females that are based on racism, anti-Semitism, ethnicism, classism, imperialism, ableism, ageism, fat oppression, and looksism, there’s also a heterosexual-based hierarchy created by men and perpetuated by het women. Females at the top most fit the male-defined feminine role, while those at the bottom are furthest away from what men say females should be.

This hierarchy was not created by Lesbians. We’re naming it in order to be able to fight against it. Wherever oppression exists, there are intricate hierarchies within each group which make a great difference in the quality of life of each individual. The older the oppression, the more complicated the hierarchy. Those at the top of any hierarchy get the most social and economic rewards, and therefore get to feel better about themselves at the expense of those considered “beneath” them. This is also true about other hierarchies.

With classism, for example, there are dividing lines between those who grew up poor, working-class, middle-class, upper-class, and ruling-class. If you’re over the line from a poorer to richer group, you’re generally more socially acceptable, more culturally visible, and more arrogant. Poor Lesbians have less power than working-class Lesbians, but both have less power than all middle-class Lesbians. And within each broad division there’s an internal hierarchy. Lower-middle-class Lesbians from non-professional backgrounds have less power than Lesbians whose parents are professionals. And then there are what our lives are like now, though class identification is based on how we grew up. All the details are important. To say otherwise would over-simplify and deny women’s realities.

Men hate Lesbians because: 1) We love females in a female-hating world; 2) we refuse to let men fuck us; 3) we refuse to marry and look after men; 4) we refuse to breed and raise families; and 5) many of us refuse to look and act feminine. Het women, by obeying these male dictates, gain privilege. The more rules they obey, the more privilege they get, and the higher up the het hierarchy they are. But the fewer rules Dykes obey, the more Dyke-hatred we get, and the further down the het hierarchy we drop.

Since marriage and motherhood (preferably together) are the most valued female roles in patriarchy, married mothers are at the top of the hierarchy. Even if someone isn’t a wife or mother, she’s still expected to be fucked by men or to at least want to.  What male supremacists never forgive is females loving other females instead of males.  Lesbians are a serious threat to male rule, so we’re at the bottom of the heterosexist hierarchy. And the less feminine a Lesbian is, the more she’s oppressed, and the less het she’s been, the more she’s despised and treated as alien.

The het hierarchy goes like this, starting at the top: het wives who are also mothers; wives who are non-mothers; divorced mothers; unmarried het mothers; married bisexuals; unmarried het women; unmarried bisexuals; celibate het women (women who aren’t fucking men but are still heterosexual in their thoughts and feelings).  Although those at the top have more power than celibate het women, all are heterosexual and so have the power to oppress Lesbians, and all do so. (Unfortunately, this het hierarchy also continues among Lesbians, which we talk about in our chapter on heterosexism among Lesbians.) The het hierarchy is affected by all other hierarchies, so how much racial, ethnic, class, and national privilege a female has affects her power, as does her age, size, looks, and abilities. But when females are similar in these other aspects, those further up in the het hierarchy have more power than those below them.

We’ve heard many Lesbians describe other Lesbians as “male-identified,” but we’ve never heard het women, no matter how devoted they are to males, being called male-identified. That slur is reserved for Lesbians. Yet no female is more male-identified than het women. How could het women seriously want to fight patriarchy when they live with it, nurture it, love it, and are fucked by it? If they have sons, they’re literally creating patriarchy and are deeply invested in its future.  Heterosexual women are the scab labor that sabotages female resistance.

Even the few het women who befriend Dykes usually still feel superior to us. They patronize us because patriarchy says only het women, particularly wives and mothers, are truly adults. No matter how old we are, Dykes are still treated as children who never quite grew up. That’s because we refuse to be part of what hets define as “real,” “adult” life – being fucked by men. (Lesbians participate in continuing this stereotype when in Lesbian novels, het women characters are portrayed as older, wiser, and mature, while Lesbian characters are portrayed as young and naïve.)

By refusing to let the passion of Lesbianism into their lives, most het women keep female relationships on a limited, superficial level, and focus instead on their shallow, empty, numbing relationships with men. After all, other females are competition for their men.  Everything and everyone is sacrificed for the males in their lives, usually including their own daughters’ well being, because heterosexuality is based on the betrayal of females by females.

(Since writing our book, we’ve read some very strange accusations, such as that Radical Lesbian Feminists want to recruit het women to come out so we can have sexual access to them. Our response is: Don’t flatter yourself and don’t confuse us with your own male attitudes. Unless het women coming out are very careful and thoughtful, they actually damage our communities, and the Lesbians they become lovers with, because they usually bring their female-hating, Lesbian-hating male and het attitudes, including their tendency to sexually objectify and pornify Lesbians. It would be far better for such women to simply stop being het and stop continuing to support males, and to be celibate or become involved with each other.)

Lesbianism challenges the foundation of male supremacy. No matter how much a Lesbian tries to identify with and support patriarchy, no matter how much she’s sold herself out, her very existence threatens male rule at its core. The essence of patriarchy is maleness, and Lesbians, by definition, refuse to feed, nurture, and intimately support males. Some Lesbians support males in other ways than het women do — except they don’t welcome men or their semen into their bodies. Lesbians are therefore much less likely to support males in ways that het women take for granted. And Dyke Separatists refuse to nurture males at all, which is why we’re such a threat to anyone involved in patriarchy, including men, boys, het women, and even non-Separatist Lesbians.

                                        Dykes Are Oppressed

Part of the shock I (Bev) had when I first went online and saw how Radical Feminism had been gutted, was seeing the combination of the virulence of het women hating Lesbians combined with het women denying that Lesbians are even oppressed. Our history of being ostracized and attacked, tortured and killed, is clear to see for anyone who cares. Any het woman who doubts this could try going around announcing to everyone she knows and meets that she’s a Lesbian and see the effect. (Start with your family….) One of the primary reasons that women stay with males is their fear of being considered a Lesbian, a freak and a queer.

It’s important to be clear about definitions. Oppression isn’t simply the same as misery. Oppression has clearly defined boundaries measured by such things as discriminatory laws, physical attacks, verbal insults, threats, cultural invisibility and stereotypes, deletion from historical records, discrimination in housing and work, and ostracism by family and other heterosexuals. Lesbians are more oppressed in these ways than het women. And we are also forced to live in an alien society that we find repulsive and terrifying, that tells us we don’t exist now and never did in the past.

Our refusal to be fucked by men doesn’t mean men aren’t constantly oppressing us.  Unlike Lesbians, all het women receive some degree of honor and respect from patriarchal societies. No matter how little, it’s more than any Lesbian gets. Het women’s lives and reality are acknowledged every day, at our expense, while Lesbian reality is denied and distorted.  The price of that damage can never be measured. And one thing het feminism ignores is that, unlike oppression, the hardships of being het can be avoided — by choosing not to be het.

No matter how oppressed a het woman is, she’s still given more political and personal rights than any Lesbian from her same background.

Men and het women oppress Lesbians every day in ways het women escape. Het women are more likely to be treated better anywhere in the world than Lesbians are, whether it’s at jobs, on the street, in stores, prisons, courts, hospitals, or mental institutions. That difference in treatment at times means the difference between life and death. Het women are also treated better in feminist women’s centers, clinics, bookstores, and even in specifically Lesbian places. The more out a Dyke is, the worse treatment she receives. Dykes who can’t or won’t pass as het are attacked by hets and scapegoated by many Lesbians. Yet Lesbian apologists for het women still talk about how much luckier, “freer,” and fulfilled we are as Lesbians — therefore het women’s lives must be “harder.” But luck has nothing to do with it. They should remember that just as we chose to come out, so also can het women.

Money means survival, and het women have access to more money through their husbands, boyfriends, sons, and male relatives. Females still earn only a fraction of what men earn, but het women are more likely to get jobs, including non-traditional and highly paid work, than Lesbians. They’re more likely to advance at work and are less likely to be fired, harassed, or threatened into leaving their jobs.

All government and private organizations discriminate against us, and het women participate in this. There’s no claim on any territory in the world by Lesbians as a people, nor is such a claim a possibility. Because we’re Lesbians, we’re more likely to be incarcerated in prisons or mental hospitals than are het women. Insurance, tax deductions, and health care all benefit hets. We’re forced to be separated from our lovers and friends by anti-Lesbian immigration policies. Even our dead bodies are often forcibly taken from our loved ones by family and other heterosexuals. Lesbians are rejected by our families, cultures, and nations, while het women ally with all these structures. We’re especially isolated when we’re very old, young, ill, or dying.

We’re social outcasts and targets for hate — either made invisible or ridiculed and caricatured in the media. Stereotypes of Lesbians are very damaging: “inverted,” alone and lonely, ostracized, disowned, hated and self-hating, sick, crazy, desperate, pathetic, ugly, violent, suicidal, molesters, and murderers. We aren’t even considered to be females. In films and books, we’re most likely found in bars, mental institutions, and prisons.

Het women proudly announce they’re het to any stranger. It’s almost impossible to meet one without her immediately making a point of mentioning her husband, boyfriend, or children. Meanwhile, Lesbians are expected to stay silent. Such het talk isn’t casual, random conversation – it’s an assertion of het privilege and status, and a reminder that they’re not “old maids” or Lesbians. They do it to get approval and acceptance. It if wasn’t so important to them, they wouldn’t do it so obsessively. Just like rich women bragging about their possessions, it’s hierarchical behavior. And when they know we’re Lesbians, they say “your private life” or “your sexual preference” “doesn’t matter to me.” That means they don’t want to hear about our lives, but they assume that they’ll talk about theirs and get support. Calling our entire life choice of who we love a “sexual preference” trivializes us into absurdity. How dare we complain about oppression that’s caused by a mere sexual choice?

Central to Dyke oppression is that it’s not taken seriously by anyone, including many Lesbians. Most politically-minded Lesbians focus more concern on fighting for the rights of almost every group of men, boys, and het women than for their own kind. When any of us dares to say males are the enemy and het women are collaborators, we face not only men and het women’s rage but also that of most Lesbians! Our Dyke pain, oppression, and lives don’t matter to them — only non-Lesbians are important.  That’s why feminist health collectives, which exist and function only through Lesbian energy and commitment, focus primarily on het women’s and even Gay men’s needs. If any of us object because there are many Lesbians who are sick and are dying and need help, and we point out that we have far fewer resources than either men or het women, we are called “selfish” — by Lesbians. Unfortunately, the self-hatred of internalized Lesbian oppression often turns into active hatred of those of us who dare to speak out for Lesbians.

If Lesbian oppression were treated seriously, het women would be less effective in pressuring Lesbians to take care of them — whether it’s het feminist groups demanding Lesbian support, or het families demanding Lesbians’ time and energy. Het feminism mirrors families in interesting ways — when they want to disown you and deny your existence, they do — when they want your life’s blood in caring for them and keeping them going, they feel justified in demanding it. When more Lesbians clearly understand the privileges that het women have over them, it will be easier to say no to their demands.  It will also be easier to rebuild Dyke communities presently weakened by het-identified Lesbians who perpetuate the het hierarchy among us.  Perhaps we could finally have truly Dyke-identified political movements and communities where we take care of our own kind and not our oppressors.

Part of the problem is that only het women are considered “real women.” Lesbians suffer female oppression in addition to Lesbian oppression, in ways no het woman can ever experience or understand unless she becomes a Lesbian. Lesbian-hatred is the most extreme form of female-hatred. Women’s Liberation Movement politics, which say women are oppressed by men, but ignore Lesbian oppression, have been carried by into our Lesbian communities with no revision to fit Lesbian reality. Het feminists’ attitudes are:  “Females are oppressed. All females are het, so Lesbians aren’t female. Therefore, Lesbians are not oppressed.” This extreme Lesbian-hating exists in our communities as well as among het feminists, because Lesbian values reflect het values unless consciously changed.

It’s true we perceive Lesbianism as more ideal, sensible, independent, strong, attractive, and wonderful than hetness. It’s also true that we’re made to suffer terribly for our choice. Many het women who left their husbands and boyfriends and became Lesbians after joining the WLM spread the lie that Lesbians have easier lives. They often don’t want to think how oppressive they were to us in the past or even now. Certainly no other oppressed community has had to face the onslaught of being outnumbered by their previous oppressors as Lesbians have. Rather than form groups or classes to “Unlearn Heterosexism,” which feminists and other women have done about other privileges they have, the recently out ex-het women tend to get more respect as more “normal women.”

As long as Lesbians are slandered, insulted, controlled, imprisoned, deprived, hunted, hidden, forcibly isolated, forcibly separated from each other, attacked, and murdered for being Lesbians, none of us are free. Legislation outlawing Lesbianism or discriminating against Lesbians exists in most countries. Only in a few very liberal places are there laws protecting Lesbians from discrimination — yet there are now laws in many countries outlawing sexist discrimination.3

Lesbians also suffer intense internalized oppression, without the shielding of “normality” that het women have. The suicide4 and addiction rate of Lesbians is very high. Being hated and slandered, and not represented in most of the media, has an effect. Lesbians are more vulnerable to illness than het women are. The cancer rate for Butches, and especially those also oppressed by racism and classism, is extremely high. Oppressed groups’ health suffers because of the daily tension of living with danger, deprivation, and hatred. This is known to be true of people oppressed by racism, ethnicism, classism, ableism, ageism, and fat oppression, and we know it’s true of Lesbians.5

Many Lesbians went through hell as girls. Some were thrown out and made homeless as young teenagers, while others were locked up in mental hospitals and given drugs, with lifelong consequences. Rebellious het girls still usually get strong support from friends, but Lesbian girls are often afraid to tell friends or are ostracized. Lesbian girls who are the most visible, like Butches, are also physically attacked by boys, men and even het girls and women.

Happiness for het women is having the status of normalcy, husband and children, acceptance by family, money, a house, careers, possessions, and power. They pay for it through loss of integrity and lack of true love and intimacy, but that’s their choice. For Lesbians, happiness means having loving friends and lovers, integrity, self-respect, Dyke culture, creativity, and intimacy.  We pay for it through severely increased oppression, forced on us by both men and het women.

Lesbians are called “privileged” if we show pride in being Dykes. Yet when feminists go on about how strong women are, their pride is not used to disprove the fact that het women are oppressed. The strength and pride Dykes have developed through fighting persecution are turned against us instead of admired. Dyke strength and pride do not equal “freedom” or negate our oppression.

         What Is the Cause of Heterosexuality?  Is There a Cure?

Many Lesbians ask,” Aren’t some het women’s lives just too hard for them to come out?” No. This argument implies that it’s a luxury to be a Lesbian. In trying to trivialize our oppression, defenders of heterosexuality completely reverse the truth. No matter how difficult and painful a het woman’s life is, there’s always someone from her same background and experiences who chose to be a Lesbian. (We are everywhere!) And that Lesbian is not only more oppressed than that het woman — she’s oppressed by that het woman.


What about an uneducated woman who was virtually sold by her father into marriage with an older man when she was 13 years old? She lived poor and isolated in the country, was beaten by her alcoholic husband, and had her first of eight children by age 14. What choice did she have? That woman was my grandmother. She did choose to leave her husband and kids and run away to the city, where she cleaned houses for a living. But instead of becoming a Lesbian or even being celibate, she married another alcoholic who was later sent to prison for burglarizing a house where she worked. (After I wrote this, a cousin suggested that her husband took the fall for her. She was ruthless and often got into bar brawls, and even shot a woman in one, though she was said to be aiming for a man.) When rid of her husband, did she decide to at least be celibate if the idea of becoming a Lesbian was too repugnant? No, she got herself yet another drunken boyfriend.

It certainly wasn’t her poverty that prevented her from coming out or being celibate, since she economically supported her men, as do many poor and working-class women. My grandmother’s life was very hard, but the fact is that there are females from her same background who chose to be Lesbians. And she was treated better as an ex-married het woman than she would have been if she were a single het woman (who’d only be able to get approval by talking about wanting a man) — and she would have been treated far worse than either if she was a Dyke. For all the hardship in my grandmother’s life, she still had the power to oppress me as a Dyke, and she made it clear she hated Lesbians.

Why is there such a pervasive belief that it’s a privilege to be a Lesbian? Why are the lives of upper-and ruling-class het women conveniently forgotten, even though some of them have the power of life and death over many people?

Many class-privileged, European-descent Lesbians don’t want to recognize the existence of millions of racially-oppressed Lesbians or to acknowledge that the majority of Lesbians of all races are from poor and working-class backgrounds.6 (Similarly, anti-Separatists deny existence of Dyke Separatists who are racially and/or class-oppressed.)

Most upper- and middle-class females are het. Women often gain in status and money when they marry, while Lesbians usually lose what economic privilege we got from our families. (That’s why so many women are against females getting equal pay for equal work. They know that their men will get paid less if other females are paid fairly.) Working-class women can get some middle-class privilege or at least stay working-class through their association with men. Working-class Lesbians often become poor because females not living with men have fewer economic options. Although a class-privileged Lesbian can use her privilege to treat a class-oppressed Lesbian badly, even the most oppressed het woman still considers both Lesbians scum.

Many Lesbians also claim that het women become het because of self-hatred resulting from being victims of rape by male family. This is particularly ironic, since it’s been wrongly said for years that sexual assaults on girls cause Lesbianism, as further “proof” of our being “sick.” The fact is that rape by male relatives is so rampant that both Lesbians (including Lesbians who were never het) and het women are equally likely to have been victims of sexual assault as girls. This can make each lie sound plausible, since both lies are Lesbian-hating. One lie makes us seem less oppressed than het women, while the other supports the theory that it takes something horrible to create a Dyke. Both obscure the truth that most girls are sexually assaulted.

Many Lesbians say, “But what about societies where Lesbians don’t exist? Some women have no choice.” Since when does any Lesbian believe propaganda spread by men? How many Lesbians’ lives have male biographers and historians distorted and lied about until our existence throughout history has been completely denied? Dykes have had to do a lot of research and read between the lines to find the few Lesbians from the past that we now know about. When we hear of cultures where every female is said to be het, we should be skeptical about where such “information” comes from –especially if the sources are European or European-descent male anthropologists. Such “scientists” are notoriously racist, sexist, and heterosexist. Likewise, we should be wary of patriarchal governments and leaders within any culture. Every patriarch declares: “There’s no Lesbian in my family, my town, my society, my country. It’s an insult to even ask!” In capitalist societies men lump us together with leftists, while in socialist and communist societies we were explained as “evidence of capitalist decadence.”

Lesbians exist in Iran and Bangladesh. Even Butches, the Lesbians who rejected male-identified femininity from girlhood, are in every culture with the same recognizable look, including where Lesbians are executed by the government. So why are Lesbians in the most privileged countries denying their existence? The fact that Lesbians exist even in countries with forced child marriages proves that heterosexuality is clearly a choice.

Lesbians who refuse to acknowledge the seriousness of Lesbian oppression are still identifying primarily with het women. Ex-het Lesbians who identify with het women are doing so at all Lesbians’ expense.

                                Heterosexuality Is a Choice

Many Lesbians repeat common fallacies as their reason for having been heterosexual: “Becoming het isn’t a choice. I didn’t know any different. Everyone does it. I didn’t know Lesbians existed.” They continue to use these same excuses to support het women’s present choice of heterosexuality.

Saying “everyone does it” is used as an excuse for almost every oppressive act,  making it acceptable to be Lesbian-hating, racist, anti-Semitic, ethnicist, imperialist, classist, ableist, ageist, fat oppressive, and looksist. It’s a cruel lie, because it denies the existence of anyone who doesn’t fit into the privileged “norm” of “everyone.”

You’d expect that Lesbians who believe that the majority of men are well-meaning would think that het women make an understandable choice to be het. But instead, they insist that women are incapable of making such a choice and are the victims of the terrible oppression of “compulsory heterosexuality,” suffering far more than any Lesbian. Why the inconsistency? The same Lesbians who defend men as being no different from females suddenly sound as if they’ve become Separatists when they talk about how het women are forced to be het by brutal, cruel men!

Why do these Lesbians patronize het women by saying they’re incapable of making the major choice of their lives? And why do they ignore women who brag about making that choice?7 As Separatists, we don’t think males treat females fairly at all, but we do acknowledge het women’s ability to make their own decisions, and we do hold them accountable for those decisions. No one chooses her race, age, or class background. But heterosexuality and Lesbianism are clearly chosen. We’re born into het and male cultures, but we are not born het.

If you think het women don’t make a choice, try a random sampling on the street and ask them. If you think they’re more oppressed than we are, try asking them if they wouldn’t have happier, more fulfilling lives being Lesbians.

Do women who insist no choice about having been het think we don’t remember? I’ll (Bev) never forget being asked to leave the bed I shared with the first lover I lived with because her boyfriend was coming to fuck her… and then seeing her playing her het woman flirty little-girl games with him in public. I’ll also never forget visiting a new friend when I was 16 and her introducing me to a male friend who put his hand on her belly and looked pleadingly at her. She then laid down on the floor and let him fuck her. No emotion visible, just whatever he wanted. It didn’t matter I was there. Later she was worried she might get pregnant, which would have destroyed her life. Rather than seem embarrassed when back at school, she clearly felt superior to the other girls who hadn’t yet been fucked.

Some Lesbians even say that the middle class euphemism for getting fucked “PIV” – penis in vagina) is “rape.” Equating chosen fucking with rape is more cruel female-hating. It denies the horror of actual rape. Baby girls who can’t run away are raped. Imprisoned women are raped. Females of all ages are held down and raped by gangs of men, or raped at knife or gun point. How can these experiences be compared to women willingly letting their husbands and boyfriends fuck them? Why are the lives of rich, ruling-class women, for instance, who can leave their husbands whenever they like, and who have money, servants, etc. ignored when women are said to not be choosing to be het? What about the choices of millionaire het women who spend tens of thousands of dollars on each of their designer dresses? Yet even the most oppressed het women can and do leave their men. Again, for every het woman existing, there are females from her same background who refused to be het and others who chose to be Lesbians.

Older women used to admit they hate fucking, but with the modern co-option of feminism in the phony “sexual revolution,” many women now proudly say they love to be fucked, as often and by as many men as possible. That means some women’s choice to invite men to fuck them affects how all of us are thought of and treated. (The STDs in women increased dramatically as a result of this, including incurable ones like HPV and herpes.)

One example proving choice is the two women who started a business called “Wear And Share,” making and selling earrings for women that are simply condoms on cardboard.8 Stores that carried them sold out immediately. What better way for women to publicly say they want to be fucked? Another example is the introduction of high-cut bathing suits that expose the pubic area, requiring women to shave their vulvas. If women hadn’t bought those suits when they first appeared in stores, they would have “gone out of style.” Instead, they’ve become so popular that it’s almost impossible to buy the more protective old-style suits. They’re even made for little girls, and mothers buy them for their young daughters. (Since writing our book, women buying breast implants, labiaplasty, etc., have made self-mutilation into big business for surgeons, and many women even buy them for their teenaged daughters, making their daughters more inviting targets for boys and men.)

Similarly, many women not only choose to wear clownish make-up but choose styles that look like bruises on their cheeks and eyelids. Violent anti-female porn and, later, even “family” television shows made this popular. The porn industry itself could not exist if women didn’t agree to be its models. A few women have been abducted to be used in porn films, but the majority choose their jobs.

Some women write and film porn, no matter how much liberal feminists deny this. For example, Lena Dunham, a producer, director, writer, and actor with media power, who identifies as a “rabid feminist,” has gotten rave reviews for her popular television series, Girls, even though she writes unbelievably female-hating, pornographic scenes — such as the one showing the boyfriend of main character (played by Dunham), fucking a woman while her “whore,” “bitch,” etc., even though she is protesting, making it clearly change from consensual fucking into a rape scene. He finishes by wanking off on her chest (shown in pornographic detail), further humiliating her. And then he is back with Dunham’s character, and presented as her wonderful, kind, caring boyfriend. Similarly, Miley Cyrus, is making a fortune by displaying herself on stage in repulsive pornographic ways, and prostituting other women, like the little person who she hires to perform at her concerts in a grotesque pointy bustier. When Sinead O’Connor wrote to Cyrus, telling her she could be rich and famous without doing such female-hating things, Cyrus responded with a nasty dig at O’Connor’s history of mental illness. Instead of liberal feminists telling us to stop protesting such female-hating and instead focus on men making money from selling women (even though men will never stop and we would be wasting our time), wouldn’t it make more sense to try to reach women who can potentially change?

And then there’s Joan Kelly, a “radical feminist,” who (in 2011) had a blog called “Chicks Dig Me.” She seems to be accepted by some of the most radical feminists online, in spite of the fact that she’s still selling her book, The Pleasure’s All Mine. The Village Voice gave her a glowing review in Big Bucks for Pain Sluts:

Over the course of her career, Joan Kelly has been strung up and splashed with freezing water, had her labia sewn shut, gotten caned, and taken countless bare-bottomed spankings — and has loved almost every minute of it … Byron Mayo, co-owner of the BDSM advertising hot spot and former owner of a commercial San Francisco dungeon, has nothing but praise for the skills pro subs bring to their trade … “In a world of political correctness, confusing role models, and enforced ‘equality,’ the ability to tell a beautiful, intelligent, and demure woman to get on her knees and do what you say is a fantasy come true.” Kelly goes into more detail in her book: “I had a client sew my vaginal lips shut … I had another client who took 18-gauge needles, heated them until they were red-hot, and used them to pierce the insides of my butt cheeks. I could hear my skin sizzling as the needles penetrated me.”

Liberal feminists most likely would call Kelly a victim, but Kelly herself identifies not just as a feminist, but radical feminist. She didn’t become a prostitute out of desperation, but for fun. She’s from a very privileged background.

When will het women be held responsible for making their own decisions? When they support the Ku Klux Klan and Nazi party? Radical Lesbians don’t excuse women who choose to be right-wing racists in the same way they excuse the most Lesbian-hating het woman, about whom they say, “It’s not her fault. She’s powerless. She’s just doing what she’s been taught and doesn’t know any other way to live.” Again, this is about Lesbian oppression not being taken seriously. “Self-hatred” is no more of an explanation for Lesbian-hating than it is for classism or racism — nor is it an explanation for het women’s choice to be heterosexual.

The “radfems” most vehement about trying to silence discussion about women being able to say no to men, insisting het women are “victims of Stockholm Syndrome,” while branding Radical Feminist who disagrees as “misogynist,” usually turn out to be women who themselves have husbands or boyfriends. Who else besides het women are so invested in the myth that no woman can say no to men?  Men.

Some Lesbians say het women don’t give “informed consent” — “If women aren’t given positive descriptions of Lesbians, how can they be expected to become Lesbians?” – ignoring the obvious third choice of celibacy. Saying no to men doesn’t have to mean choosing Lesbian oppression. Besides, patriarchal societies don’t tell any girl that Lesbianism is an option, but that lack of support plus the stigma attached to loving other girls certainly didn’t stop the millions of us who came out before feminism. It’s an interesting contradiction that Lesbians who talk about how difficult it is for women to come out usually have little concern for Dykes who did come out without the support of the WLM.

What does inform us? Aren’t perceptions, observations, feelings, and instincts our deepest knowledge? It’s true that though many of us didn’t grow up with any positive images of Lesbians, we still all knew “queer” girls existed, and we certainly all knew about “old maids.” Every family and neighborhood has at least one. But celibate women are pitied and ridiculed, even if they aren’t as viciously despised as Lesbians are. Newspapers, radio, television, libraries, and families are full of horror stories of brutal, cruel men, yet most het women are grateful and proud to have a man. The privilege of heterosexuality is a powerful incentive to collaboration.

Linda: Throughout my teens and twenties I was devastated by the loss of one woman friend after another as they began dating men, fucking, getting married, and having babies. I wasn’t a Lesbian, but neither was I actively het until my late 20’s (I finally became a Lesbian at age 30.)

The worst loss was my best friend, who I’d been in love with since we were both 18. We had a close, confiding, and playful friendship. She prided herself on being a gutsy rebel who resisted authority. We both swore we’d never get married and have children. Then at age 20, she suddenly changed. That year, I attended her wedding, shaking and dizzy from the intensity of my “inappropriate feelings.” I was reeling from the impact of seeing her contract herself publicly, legally, and ritually to a man she hardly knew.

I knew then that I was losing my friend to a system that was destroying me — my life was filled with grief and loss, and she was choosing to do this. She had told me she didn’t love this man, but she was worried about being an old maid, didn’t want to work, and he had a steady job and would “take good care of her.” It was the same reasoning I’d heard from a half-dozen other friends: a cold, economic decision. On her way back up the aisle, she winked at me. Shaken to the core, I thought I had no right to feel betrayed, no right to feel rage and grief.

We stayed friends for a few years afterwards, but the closeness was gone. She had the status of married “grown-up real” woman, and then of mother (authoritative “grown-up real woman”). Her main allegiance was to her husband and children. I became her old maid friend who she saw only when her husband was away. (In our working-class community during the 1950’s and early 1960’s, women were expected to be married by ages 18 to 20.)

While my friend was accepted and helped along by her family and friends because of her valued position as a man’s helpmate, I was treated as a misfit. Anyone who’s experienced that unspoken, bland ostracism knows it cuts deep. Rejection and isolation are some of the worst social punishments. They engender loneliness, fear, self-doubt, grief, and sometimes despair. The victim becomes shut out of the everyday exchanges that sustain life, like information about jobs and apartments. The misfit is last on the list, and she’ll hear about the job or apartment only if no one else wants it. It doesn’t matter how endearing, helpful, or admirable she is, she’s then just an admirable misfit.

My friend was a lot better off than me, because the het world was rewarding her for fucking, marrying, and breeding, and it was punishing me for not doing any of those things, nor showing any desire to do so. That is privilege and oppression: hierarchies institutionalized for the purpose of maintaining hetero-patriarchy. The system runs so well that hets play their roles without even thinking about it: “That’s just the way things are.” “That’s life.”

Girls fear and hate boys. They’re harassed and assaulted by boys in their families, schools, and neighborhoods. Many girls love other girls and are Lesbian in their hearts and spirits. It’s not until later, when the privilege of heterosexuality becomes more obvious, that many betray their best girlfriends in favor of boys — sometimes even the same boys who’d been their tormenter and attackers.

Becoming a “real” woman in patriarchy means deciding to forget and reject the girl you once were. It also means rejecting the girl in each of us. This loss of the self is chosen. It results in privilege, not increased oppression. We still have these feelings and memories, deep within us, of knowing the differences between females and males. We can be true to our inner selves or we can reject ourselves, which means choosing heterosexual privilege and female-hating. It’s male and het lies that call remembering our choices and lives as girls “immaturity” and “childishness.” It’s Lesbian-loving to keep that innate female wisdom that others have abandoned.

Men don’t want us to know that we do choose, because that would increase (as it already has) the numbers of het women who become Lesbians. The idea of heterosexuality as the norm would be challenged and rejected. Het women continue these lies because it gives them an excuse to not question their choices. Lesbians then participate in these lies to protect het women and also to excuse their own past choices. But by continuing the lies, they end up participating in the vicious oppression of Lifelong Lesbians, Never-het Lesbians, and Butches, viewed by the ex-het Lesbian majority as “those freaks/queers” among the more “normal” Lesbians.

Even if women choose to subject themselves to abuse for the privilege of being considered normal, it’s criminal what horrors many are willing to subject their daughters to (including rape and clitorectomies and infibulation in some countries). Most het women would like to be able to force all females, including Lesbians, to be het. If heterosexuality is so “oppressive” to women, why do most mothers aggressively pressure their daughters to be het?

Lesbian apologists for het women don’t believe they’re making a choice even today in countries where there are beloved Lesbians on television and films, pro-Lesbian books in public libraries, and mention of Lesbians in national news reports. When we wrote our book, media images of Lesbians were mostly hideously anti-Lesbian, yet countless Dykes still managed to come out under those circumstances. In addition, millions of Lesbians who’ve come out through Women’s Liberation have come out to their female relatives, friends, teachers, neighbors, and co-workers, and have portrayed Lesbianism as positive to them all. So millions of het women have knowingly had contact with Dykes in a way not possible before.

What of the het feminists who work politically with Lesbians and yet choose daily to stay het? Some Lesbians don’t even hold accountable het women who used to be Lesbians and have gone back to men. Instead of considering them traitors, they say “How did we fail them? What’s wrong with our communities?” Blaming heterosexuality on Lesbians is extreme Lesbian-hatred. The fact that many “Lesbians” have returned to heterosexuality makes it even more clear that hetness is a choice.

Het women hate females so much they can’t bring themselves to be intimate with them. Many have never even been friends with other females except in the most shallow ways. Female-hatred explains why many mothers treat their daughters cruelly, while loving and encouraging their sons.

Because we suffer Lesbian oppression in addition to female oppression, Lesbians are subject to much more hatred, which then causes self-hatred. We’re more likely to have low self-esteem and to doubt ourselves, which is why Lesbians are so thrilled when a het or bisexual woman declares she’s a Lesbian. Certainly het women don’t similarly rejoice when a Dyke declares herself a woman.

What is often ignored in discussions about het choices as well as male-identified femininity is that one of the reasons that women stay het and are so hating of other women is that they are in competition over men. And sadly, when many women come out, they bring these male attitudes right with them into Lesbian communities.

What other group of oppressed people so sympathizes with, looks after, and welcomes collaborators into our lives and communities as Lesbians do? What other group of freedom fighters so “respects the choices” of traitors? If Lesbians don’t care enough for our own kind to hold het women accountable, we should at least care for their other victims.

                                          “A Mother Knows”

Although many het women are upset when male strangers attack females, the majority silently condone what their own men do. Some even actively participate. In 1984, the U.S. news media reported that a multiple rapist in Oregon had been sheltered by his rich mother who claimed all his victims were lying. In 1988, a man convicted of “indecently assaulting” his six-year-old daughter for a year and giving her an STD was publicly forgiven by his wife, who wanted him returned to the family.10 In spring, 1986, in Santa Ana, California, a 10-year-old girl had the courage to bring her mother’s boyfriend to trial for raping her, even though her mother pressured her not to report it. The mother married her boyfriend just before he was taken to prison. We can only wonder what revenge she’ll take on her daughter, who’s still her legal possession. In August, 1986, a mother was jailed for participating with her husband and son in the rape and sexual molestation of her four daughters who were all under the age of six. The little girls were also hired out as sexual slaves for other men’s use.

Some women may say they “didn’t know” what was happening, but how many really care? When the majority of little girls are sexually assaulted by their fathers, stepfathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, and male cousins, often over a period of years, how can their mothers not know? Even if they don’t directly witness the attacks, how can they ignore the girls’ terror, nightmares, illness, and utter misery? Little girls are incapable of completely hiding their reactions. Even if the mother herself is a victim of family sexual assault, she has no excuse to fail to protect her little girl. In fact, her experience should make her more protective towards her daughter, not less. No truth is so shocking and no adult woman is so powerless that she can’t try to prevent her daughter from being repeatedly raped, or at least give her the healing support of knowing her mother is doing everything she can to protect her. It’s the girl who’s utterly powerless.

The same woman who would immediately leave her husband if he brought home another woman to fuck will usually stay if she finds out he’s raping her daughter. And that includes rich women who can easily leave.

There are a few het women who are horrified when they find out what the men they love have done. A few mothers leave or fight their men in order to protect their daughters, but, unfortunately, the majority don’t. We’ve heard many stories of adult Lesbians telling their mothers years later about being sexually assaulted and raped as girls by male relatives, and not once did their mothers act concerned for the victim. In every case, the mother denied the attack occurred and defended her husband, sons, brothers, or father. The mothers then pressured their daughters to not tell anyone because “what would people think?”, and told them to behave like a “proper” daughter, granddaughter, sister, or niece to their attacker.

One of the worst responses we know about was from a het mother who was renowned in her community as a feminist. She continued supporting her son after her adult Lesbian daughter (our friend) told her that he’d raped her when she was little. Several years later, our friend discovered that her other brother was raping his 18-month-old daughter. When she said she was willing to testify in court to prevent him from having further access to the baby, her mother supported her son and told her daughter, “I wish you’d never been born.” Thus the het feminist betrayed both her daughter and baby granddaughter in her effort to protect a rapist. But after all, he was her son. This woman  had received dozens of humanitarian awards, including a local “Woman of the Year” award, and was also nominated “Mother of the Year.” She was even elected as a delegate to represent women at international feminist conferences.

Another friend was betrayed by her mother when she was 17. Her mother invited a military man to stay at their house, in her daughter’s bedroom, where he raped her throughout the night, leaving blood all over her bed and walls. Clearly her mother’s goal was to stop her daughter from being a Lesbian. Later she imitated his accent, saying he could easily climb in their windows to “visit” her again.

We also know of a case where a Lesbian mother participated in keeping secret her 12-year-old son’s rape of another Lesbian’s 9- and 7-year-old daughters — in order to “protect the boy.” The girls’ mother participated in the cover-up, and the boy is still in that community, having access to Lesbians’ daughters.

Lesbians find it difficult to hold women accountable because male authorities often blame mothers in order to excuse rapists and murderers, and because men have always blamed everything bad on females. By refusing to participate in the lie that society “causes” men and boys to be brutal attackers, we’re saying something that few females have ever dared to say before. Mothers aren’t to blame for what their sons do, but they do share the blame if they protect their men and boys by keeping the attacks secret. If they continue to support males they know are dangerous, they do become partly responsible for the violence those males commit. This is true not only in the het world, but also in feminist communities where mothers have fought battles to win boys’ access to female-only space.

                                          “But I Love Him”          

Some women’s allegiance to men is unbelievable.11 Lawrence Singleton raped 15-year-old Mary Vincent, cut off her forearms, stuffed her into a drainage pipe, and left her to die. Bleeding profusely and in agonizing pain, Mary ran for help and survived. Singleton was arrested and convicted. When he was released from prison after just eight years, nearby towns protested, demanding that he not be paroled in their area. But two women invited him to live with them. One was his ex-wife, who said, “I’m not scared of him. He’s served his time.” The other was his girlfriend, who said, “I’ve got no reason to doubt Mary Vincent. He may have blacked out. I don’t know.” When asked if she knew for certain if Singleton was guilty, she said, “It wouldn’t matter one bit, not one bit. There is the other 99% of him that is good.”12  Singleton later moved to Florida where he was convicted of killing a woman. No one knows how many other girls or women he may have otherwise raped and killed.

Ted Bundy confessed to murdering 23 young females in four U.S. states, and is suspected of actually murdering over a hundred. He usually vaginally and anally raped his victims before murdering them, and in at least one known instance he forced one girl to watch while he raped and murdered another, before killing her also. Many of the bodies were found decapitated and otherwise mutilated. It’s believed that his first victim was an 8-year-old girl who he killed when he was 14. After he was in jail for two years, a woman named Carol Boone married him.13 The night before his execution for murdering 12-year-old Kimberly Leach, his mother told him, “You’ll always be my precious son.”14

Some women who are beaten by their husbands or boyfriends use their daughters to draw away beatings from themselves. Six-year-old Lisa Steinberg was beaten to death by her illegally adoptive father, Joel Steinberg. He had severely beaten his girlfriend, Hedda Nussbaum, for years before they “adopted” Lisa. A friend said she believed “… Nussbaum thought adopting the little girl was going to be an answer — a protection from Joel Steinberg.”15 Yet the feminist media has greatly sympathized with Nussbaum, even while knowing that Lisa was beaten and neglected for years with Nussbaum’s knowledge.

In 1987, Robert Chambers strangled Jennifer Levin, his 18-year-old girlfriend, and left her half-naked body in Central Park in New York City. He claimed she was forcing him to have “rough sex” with her and he killed her “accidentally”! Since his family is rich, Chambers was let out on bail. In December, 1987, before the trial even began, he went to a “slumber party” consisting of just him and four women. A videotape showed the women wearing pajamas, laughing, dancing, and playing sado-masochistic games with each other and with Chambers. At one point, he holds a Barbie doll up to the camera, twists its head around and says, “Oops, I think I killed her.” In another scene, one of the women plays at being a baby crying and tells him, “I’ll tell everyone.” He says, “I’ll say you’re lying. I lie and they believe me.” The women were laughing throughout these scenes, even though they were also Jennifer’s friends. One of them, Chambers’ new girlfriend, was interviewed on TV. She said she “loved” him, that he was “warm and funny,” and that everyone at the party knew he’d confessed to the murder. She said he’d received over 400 letters of support, many from women. When asked how she felt about the murder, she said, “I don’t feel it’s really my business.”16

In 1984, college student Brad Page beat his 21-year-old girlfriend, Bibi Lee, to death. He later went back and raped her corpse. It took authorities five weeks to find her body, while Page pretended to help search for her. In 1988, he was convicted of “voluntary manslaughter” and was given only six years in prison. He was released on bail awaiting appeal and the judge set his bail relatively low, because, Page “… does not pose as a threat to another person, with the possible exception of his wife.” Since his arrest, Amy Hacker married Page, and she cried brokenheartedly as he was sentenced. Page’s lawyer asked that he be freed on probation because of his new “family responsibilities.”17

                                    Het Women Hate Lesbians

Some “radfems” say that we should love all women, and that women aren’t our enemy. But as long as het women attack us and support the males who attack us, they are our enemy. It’s healthy to hate those who do you harm. “Love your enemy” is a christian, suicidal platitude that keeps the oppressed from protecting ourselves. We can’t love ourselves if we don’t fight those who hurt us. Recently at a march, Lesbians were shouting “Lesbians Unite!” when a het woman yelled “Kill Lesbians!” – which sums up the attitude most het women have towards us. Some despise us as a group, but are more respectful towards het-identified Lesbians who use credentials that establish them as having been successfully het in the past, such as being wives and mothers. But even the most “loving” het woman is likely to reveal her hidden Lesbian-hatred if questioned closely. A “caring” het mother, in one conversation, says she’s glad her daughter is a Lesbian, yet at another time asks, “What do you think went wrong, to make you be ‘that way’?” Another het mother says she’s proud her daughter is a Lesbian, but then warns her to not tell other relatives because “what will people think?” These mothers aren’t acting this way because they’re “powerless” or “unaware.” In fact, they were each given devoted feminist support for years by their Lesbian daughters.

Contrary to what many Lesbian feminists believe, het women do feel superior to Lesbians. Deep down, we’re just perverts to them, no matter how they profess to “love” us. After all, if they really loved Lesbians, they’d be Lesbians.

As a group, het women are deeply resentful of females who refuse to support patriarchy and heterosexuality. They participate in many of the crimes men commit against us, from ostracism and name-calling, to denying us work and housing, to physical attacks. Het women neighbors have gotten Lesbians evicted. Friends of ours were harassed by het women yelling “disgusting perverts” and “you need to get fucked by men.”

The power of hetness is clear when even het girls are capable of being oppressive to adult Lesbians. Young girls who haven’t yet become physically het are still het if that’s their identification and goal. Het girls can make Lesbian girls’ lives hell. Some Lesbian mothers’ het daughters have made insulting, anti-Lesbian comments to adult Lesbians. That means we aren’t protected from Lesbian-hatred even in the rare safety of female-only gatherings, one of the few places we have any hope of really relaxing. Although het girls may feel understandable anger at adults’ control of them (especially their mothers’), any Lesbian-hating oppresses us. There’s tremendous pressure in schools and het youth culture for girls to fit in with het standards. Those of us who remember our own school years know how cruel girls can be to anyone who’s different, and girls who don’t fit standards of male-identified femininity are ostracized and tormented.

Some het women give obvious Dykes dirty looks or smirk at us while on the arms of their men. At Dyke Marches, het women join their men in videoing half naked Lesbians in what seems like a freak show to them. It’s not uncommon also, for some of these women to have played at being bisexual, including for the benefit of their men.

Het women channel their suppressed fear, anger, and hatred of men onto Lesbians. Men are the rapists and attackers, but some het women act scared of us. At the same time, some are drawn to Dykes by our strength, realness, intensity, and attractiveness. Their own lives are empty of feeling in comparison, so they flirt with Dykes, using us, while reserving their primary energy for males. Men say Lesbians “prey” on het women when it’s het women who prey on Lesbians. We know of a Lesbian who was actually slapped by a het woman because she tried to stop the het woman from kissing her. There was a story in a Gay San Francisco paper about a Lesbian fired from her job because of being a Lesbian, while the christian het woman who was behind the firing had previously made repeated sexual overtures to the Lesbian. This is sexual harassment.

Het women play games with Lesbians in order to “spice up” their fucking with men, treating us as sex objects. Some of the het women most likely to share intimate information about our lives with men, feeding men’s voyeurism and providing titillation for het couples’ amusement and pornographic imaginations, are those who seem on the verge of coming out for years.

Meanwhile, as attention to males’ sexual harassment of females grows, the male media tries to divert our attention by reporting so-called harassment of women by women. A 1988 article on sexual harassment of women in the U.S. Navy Pacific Fleet, and a 1987 television show about harassment of women actors in Hollywood both mentioned women being “sexually harassed” by women. Of course, the het public is led to the “obvious” conclusion that Lesbians are “harassing” het women. Again, the feminist political awareness that Lesbians brought to public attention is co-opted and turned against us. The truth — that het women sexually harass Lesbians — is given no attention anywhere in the mainstream media, and only rarely in the feminist, Lesbian, or Gay media. Because of this distorted co-option, it’s even more important that Lesbians not be afraid to speak out about our experiences of sexual objectification and harassment by het women.

                              Het Women Betray All Females

Rather than be ostracized, hated, and ignored by their families and het culture, many het women let themselves be fucked night after night, year after year, by men they detest, giving up their own passion, and essence, and live lying lives, selling themselves cheaply. Unfortunately, they sell the rest of us out too, rather than risk their own economic and social position.

Heterosexual supremacist women’s arrogance and selfishness protects and excuses men, even while men are exterminating entire species, because het women benefit from male rule. Those who claim to care about the destruction say, “Save the earth for our children,” meaning boys, the future patriarchs. Other creatures and plants have a right to exist for their own benefit, not for men’s or women’s enjoyment. The earth is being destroyed now and entire life forms are already gone forever. Het women’s choices do affect all of us. Male supremacy could not continue without het women.

Women have far more power than they take responsibility for, and that power keeps patriarchy going. Men could not do it on their own. (And no, het women are not sacrificing themselves, as some het feminists’ fantasize in order to explain their own collaboration. Het women literally could bring down patriarchy now.)

Het women also police other females for patriarchy. They punish Lesbians for daring to fight against the established order. The vast majority of mothers train us early to hate ourselves and other females, while the privileged ones almost always teach their daughters to continue men’s hierarchies of Lesbian-hating, racism, anti-Semitism, ethnicism, imperialism, classism, ableism, ageism, fat oppression, and looksism, because it maintains their own power and feelings of superiority.

Men as a group are waging a war against all females, and many het women don’t just collaborate passively, but actively support their men’s positions of power, from running governments, death squads, the Ku Klux Klan, right wing politics, religious groups, etc., which couldn’t continue if the wives didn’t physically and emotionally support them. We read about wives and mothers at a Ku Klux Klan gathering happily exchanging recipes, which they wrote on the back of racist hate literature. You’ll rarely see a rapist or murderer brought to trial without a loving woman on his arm. Het women make excuses for men, and Lesbians make excuses for het women.

We’re not saying all het women are horrible or that all Lesbians are wonderful. We’re saying privileged Lesbians can change from being oppressive to being responsible politically and personally, but het women — as long as they choose to remain het — are limited in how much they can change, whatever their good intentions. No one can effectively reject the methods of male rule without rejecting male rule itself.

Some het women have shown great courage in fighting injustice, but they’ve done it within a heterosexual, patriarchal framework, which still keeps females subjugated to males. As long as any so-called “revolutionary” society is heterosexual, men still rule and Lesbians are still oppressed. In fact, that is a good way to find out if any culture or even environmental group that is said to be feminist or matriarchal is truly not oppressive to girls and women: check out their policy on the status of Lesbians and see if Lesbians are even acknowledged.

Our people, Lesbians across the earth, should no longer give our lives to fight in any men’s or het women’s battles, which inevitably preserve male domination. Dykes are subject to every kind of oppression that exists. When we focus on fighting Lesbian oppression, we are also uniting with Dykes everywhere to fight all injustice. That means rejecting all of men’s hierarchies. It means creating justice and equality among all Dykes, and finding ways to ally with Dykes from every nation and background. No one else fights for Dykes, so we must!


1 In 1970, Del Martin wrote “If That’s All There Is” in 1970 to explain why she would no longer work with Gay rights organizations because they were too misogynist.

2 Many het women are so female-hating that they selectively abort female fetuses so they can later have a son. Some even kill their newborn daughters, especially in societies that legally restrict the number of children people can have. M. Lloyd, O. Lloyd, and W. Lyster, “Slugs and Snails Against Sugar and Spice: Changes in the ratios of boys and girls might have profound consequences,” British Medical Journal 297 (December 1988), 1627.

3 In Aotearoa/New Zealand, there’s a government Ministry of Women’s Affairs specifically devoted to “women’s issues.” It’s so liberal that it organizes women-only feminist events and sponsors others. Yet, when it was originally suggested that an open Lesbian be employed to work on Lesbian issues, a heterosexual feminist organization complained, so the idea was rejected.

4 Karla Jay and Allen Young studied 1000 Lesbians in the U.S. and Canada in 1977 and published their findings in The Gay Report in 1979. Thirty-nine percent of the Lesbians stated they had attempted or seriously contemplated suicide. By contrast, 19-26% of het women in an earlier study cited by Eric E. Rofes had attempted suicide. From Lesbians, Gay Men and Suicide (San Francisco, U.S.A.: Grey Fox Press, 1983), 17, 18, 20, 21.

5 One of the few studies on the health of “homosexuals,” including Lesbians, said, “Those living a homosexual lifestyle in our society are at greater risk of ill health …. This vulnerability is predominantly a consequence of social stigma. In this respect homosexuals suffer in a similar way to other stigmatized minorities.” A.P. Bell and M.S. Weinberg, Homosexualities; a study of diversity among men and women (London: Mitchell Beazley, 1978).

A more recent study says: “… stress related illnesses are what most distinguish Lesbian health from that of the female population as a whole.” Judith Bradford and Caitlin Ryan, Final Report of the National Lesbian Health Care Survey, PO Box 65472, Washington D.C. 20035, U.S.A. From a report by Jamakaya, Hag Rag, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, U.S.A., September/October, 1988.

6 A Lesbian wrote about the poverty she saw on a trip to India, “I hadn’t believed that people had to live in such conditions! The first coherent thought that hit me was, ‘Shit, what’s the oppression of Lesbians in the West, compared to the oppression of wimmin here, of children here, of people here!!’” “Wimmin in India,” LIP, Tamaki-Makaurau, Aotearoa, July 1988, 6. Her eagerness to rank heterosexuals’ pain as more real than Lesbians’ pain led her to forget the existence of Lesbians among the poor Indian people she saw. If she hadn’t automatically put heterosexuals first in her mind, her immediate thoughts would have been about how much harder it must be for the Indian Lesbians in those communities. She may have privileges that protect her from feeling much oppression as a Lesbian, but that doesn’t give her the right to deny the oppression of other Lesbians in any countries.

7 Feminists are also condescending towards prostitutes. Judy Helfand, a former nude model and topless dancer in San Francisco said, “It makes me angry when feminists lump all sex-industry workers into a pile of poor, exploited, brain-washed victims without minds of their own.” “I was a young woman who needed to earn a living and chose to pursue the highest-paying least-demanding jobs I knew of.” “These women … were not victims.” Quotes from Sex Work: Writings by women in the Sex Industry (Cleis Press), in a review by Tara Bradley-Steck, San Francisco Chronicle, 15 August 1987.

In a review of Working (Dolores French with Linda Lee, E.P. Dutton, 1988), Dolores French is quoted as saying prostitution is “as legitimate a career as nursing or teaching.” She suggests many women have “chosen prostitution because they like the independence, the money, and the satisfaction of providing a needed service.” Review by Patricia Holt, San Francisco Chronicle, 23 August 1988.

As Separatists, we’re totally opposed to any female working as a prostitute because that hurts all females, but we do recognize the ability of some to make their own decisions, while also recognizing that girls and women who are literal prisoners are trafficked, which makes it even more upsetting that some women promote prostitution.

8 Newsweek, 28 March 1988, 50.

9 While 25% of a mixed group of male and female voters said they wouldn’t vote for a woman for president, 29% of women surveyed said they wouldn’t vote for a woman. KGO-TV News, San Francisco, 29 September 1987.

10 Evening Post, Whanganui-a-Tara, 30 January 1988.

11 A magazine article describes how the U.S. film Mississippi Burning (a fictionalized account of the murders of civil rights workers Chaney, Goodman, and Schwerner) erroneously depicts the deputy sheriff’s wife helping break the case by giving evidence against her husband. In reality, deputy Cecil Price, indicted for participating in the murders, was completely supported by his wife, Connor Price. “She has never asked Cecil what happened on that … night. ‘Don’t you love your husband?’ she asks by way of explaining this steadfastness.” People, 9 January 1989, 38.

12 San Francisco Chronicle, 3 October 1988.

13 People, 6 February 1989, 46

14 Tim Swarens, Rocky Mountain News, Denver, Colorado, 25 January 1989. Bundy said of himself, “ … I grew up in a wonderful home with two dedicated and loving parents … where we, as children, were the focus of my parents’ lives, where we regularly attended church, two Christian parents who did not drink, they did not smoke, there was no gambling, no physical abuse, no fighting in the home.”

Bundy was such an “exceptional” man that he wrote a pamphlet for women on rape prevention while he was assistant director of the Seattle Crime Prevention Advisory Commission. “Tears and Prayers: Killer Ted Bundy Executed in Florida,” San Francisco Chronicle, 25 January 1989, A1.

In a television report, Ann Rule, who worked with Bundy as a counselor at a suicide crisis center, said, “He was the perfect young man … the kind of man if I had been ten years younger or my daughters ten years older, I would have thought this is the perfect man for a mate for life.”

Men also were fond of Bundy. Right after he was convicted of clubbing two women to death in their beds in a sorority house, the judge who sentenced him said to Bundy in a compassionate tone of voice, “You’d have made a good lawyer. I’d have loved to have you practice in front of me, but you went another way, partner. Take care of yourself.” 20/20, ABC-TV, 27 January 1989.

15 People, 23 November 1987, 30.

16 The interview and video were shown on A Current Affair, KGO-TV, San Francisco,18 May 1988.

17 The Daily Californian, 3 June 1988, 1.

Posted in Additional Radical Lesbian Feminist writings | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 49 Comments

Chapter One — The Crimes of Mankind

Chapter One

The Crimes of Mankind

Bev Jo

                     (Based on the Original Version by Bev with Ruston and Linda)

(This chapter was originally the beginning of Chapter Two, Heterosexuality/Selling Out Is Not Compulsory, in our book, Dykes-Loving-Dykes, 1990.)

All males as a group have power over all females. The overwhelming majority of men and boys harass, attack, and/or rape the majority of females. All girls and women have been sexually harassed by boys and men, and most have been sexually assaulted. Those males who aren’t able to physically attack us have other forms of power they use against us.

Even when a man seems to be caring and fighting for justice, he still is likely to be harming girls and women. Some of the most revered men across the world, have been found out to be predatory to girls and women, or wrote disgusting pornography.1

There are some men who do seem to be genuinely kind and trustworthy, but that, sadly, doesn’t change what the majority are doing. And we never know what males are doing when alone with those who can’t talk, such as babies and animals. (It’s often forgotten that men and boys sexually assault animals, but people in rural areas are well aware of it.)

Most women and even some reformist/liberal feminists believe the con that men are violent and dangerous only because of being harmed by childhood trauma, which, if that were true, would mean that most women would be serial killers.

The myth that socialization is the cause of male violence is one of the most dangerous politics perpetrated against girls and women. It denies reality. It denies what most girls and women know in their hearts and from their own experience. It denies that male violence exists across many animal species, and particularly in our mammal relatives. This myth is why women who are invested in boys and men keep devoting the majority of their lives to males, hoping to somehow make a better world, when in reality their very devotion to males prioritizes them before girls and women, feeds them psychically, emotionally, physically, and literally keeps patriarchy going. If women stopped supporting men, patriarchy would end. Besides refusing to reproduce, this is the most important thing that women can do for the earth. Rather than continuing to hope and fantasize that males will change, we actually have the power to stop men from raping, killing, making other species extinct and destroying the earth.

Because we are trained from our earliest memories to worship males and to believe lies instead of our own perceptions, the truth can be shocking and upsetting. But we can easily see the truth all around us, and it ultimately frees us.

Men know very well how innate their capacity for violence is, and how deeply, biologically different they are from females. If in doubt, just ask them. Listen to them and read them, and then, as many of us have done, stop voluntarily interacting with them on every level.

A man in India wrote:

“I have heard the socialization excuse too. It’s nonsense. Biological men are naturally born rapists. What feminists say about men — that they rape because of their upbringing and social conditioning – is ridiculous. I am a man, and I hate men and rapists because I was raped as a kid and I know how painful it is. Even after that, I feel like raping women when I see them. It’s a natural feeling because of testosterone. I try hard to control it because I know how painful it can be to be raped. But I don’t trust myself. I am a man and a potential rapist and I don’t trust myself because I can’t help with the testosterone. I can say that 100% it is not my upbringing – it’s nature. The only way to stop rape is to just not give birth to males. Girls and women can only be safe when there are no boys or men on this planet.”

Most men pollute the earth for the sheer pleasure of it, not just as the by-product of their industries. Men love to leave their mark as a territorial statement, just as many male animals mark “their” territories by spraying. Of course, human males also mark with urine, as anyone who’s been in a public telephone booth knows. Even when public toilets are available, men leave their smell and mark on objects in ways females don’t.2

Some Lesbians say in anger that men are such “animals,” but that’s insulting to animals. Of course all mammals, including humans, are animals, but men are the least natural of animals. Men seem to have the goal of creating a completely artificial world and have left their mark on the earth forever by altering the natural landscape in many places.
They’ve exterminated countless plants and animals already, and their murder of entire species is accelerating. They kill forests, build their ugly cities, pollute the sea and fresh water, change the land’s shape with their destructive farming and mining methods, and, as we wrote in 1990, they have even changed the weather.4

Men’s radioactive and toxic chemical wastes will contaminate the earth for hundreds of thousands of years. Plutonium, which is completely man-made, remains deadly for 250,000 years. One sixteenth of a millionth of a gram can kill a person, and men have already made thousands of pounds of it.5 If we didn’t know this was true, it would be hard to believe. Even so, it’s still unimaginable except in nightmares.  Man has truly left his mark on his territory and, for the most part, he’s very proud of himself.

People speak of “man’s inhumanity to man,” because the effect on females isn’t even considered. But Man enjoys his power and cruelty. It makes him more of a man. A male nuclear scientist who watched numerous nuclear explosions said what a “rush” it was because, “A male human being likes to see an explosion.”6 (As of 1990, there were over 50,000 nuclear weapons on earth.)

The US military has contaminated what was pristine forest and water in Viet Nam, where they sprayed Monsanto’s and Dow’s Agent Orange that was so toxic it still causes birth defects in the people victimized in their homelands, but even in the genes of the US soldiers, continuing into future generations. It also killed so many of the trees,  plants, and animals that they still have not recovered.

Most US people don’t seem to know that the US used nuclear weapons (deceptively called “depleted uranium”) in explosives used to kill people in Iraq, leaving the land and people permanently contaminated by radiation. (And this is the land between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, once claimed as the “birthplace of Western Civilization,” meaning that even the land revered by European patriarchal historians was not safe.)

Mankind has also left his mark on his female possessions. In many cultures, men literally own girls and women. Some women are even owned by their own sons or other boys considered to be the heads of their families.

Fucking and impregnating girls and women is the epitome of males marking their territory. Throughout the history of man, rape has been used to permanently mark a people after invading their territory so that their future people are partly descendants of the invaders. Many women still think of rape as merely an expression of uncontrollable male sexual urges, but rape is calculated, premeditated marking and expanding territory. It’s a form of genocide as well as gynocide.

Men and boys raping and otherwise sexually assaulting girls in their families is also a territorial statement. Fathers who rape their daughters are declaring their daughters as their property. This includes beatings and other abuse with sexual taunts.

Statistics show that over one-third of all females report being raped,7 but the actual number is much more since it’s been estimated that only 10% to 20% of sexual assaults are reported, which is further proof that the majority of females are attacked by the majority of males. Most rapes aren’t reported, since dealing with male authorities like police, hospital, and courts usually mean experiencing brutal mental and emotional rape. (This is still true, 25 years after we first wrote this.) That’s not surprising, because men in those institutions are also likely to be raping girls and women. And some victims are raped by the men they go to for help.8

Because of the hierarchies men have created, men also oppress each other. Women with racial and class privilege have some power over more oppressed men, but all females are vulnerable to rape, sexual harassment, and other attacks by all males. Racist and classist lies portray racially- and class-oppressed men as the primary attackers of all females, but statistically, females are most likely to be attacked by males from their own racial, ethnic, and class backgrounds, and the attacker is usually someone we know.

Heterosexuality is a protection racket in which women choose particular men to protect them, thinking they’ll be safer, but they’re actually putting themselves in more danger.  In the US alone, a woman is beaten to death by her husband or boyfriend every four minutes9 — in fact, three out of four women murdered in the US are killed by their husbands or boyfriends.10  It’s ironic that Dyke Separatists are taunted by being told we “just want to kill all men,” when the reality is that it’s men who kill women. If every female, including baby girls, were able to kill in self defense any boy or man who sexually assaulted her, there would be few, if any, men or boys left on earth. (There would be even less if every non-human female who was raped and tortured by male humans was able to kill her attacker.)

Families exist in order for men to be served by females — domestically, emotionally, and sexually. A lot of us haven’t realized that such sexual service is required of daughters as well as wives, and that the rapists include all male family members as well as fathers.  Combining the numbers of reported assaults11 with the many more unreported ones (especially knowing that many victims of rape by male relatives forget the details, and others lack information to name it for what it is), we believe over 90% of all girls are victims of rape by male family. Of the many women we know who were raped as girls, none reported it to the authorities. The majority don’t tell what they know won’t be believed. And they’re also in fear for their lives. Most who did tell their mothers were not protected. Instead, the mothers defended and protected their husbands, boyfriends, sons, and other male relatives, and the attacks continued. The horror of living with rapists, sadists, and their collaborators — usually without the support of one person — means many little girls survive by forgetting much of our/their own girlhoods. (I don’t know of any woman who was not sexually assaulted in some way as a girl.) This mental and psychic colonization12 is even more powerful than males’ ownership of our bodies.

The resulting amnesia of individual females mirrors the worldwide mass amnesia of our own female past, of the time before patriarchy existed, before subjection, rape, and torture were the “natural” order of things. An entire population that’s brutalized into forgetting its own memories is more easily manipulated. Just as cultures are destroyed and colonized by the censoring of history, so also are individual lives damaged by the denial of our/their own pasts. Those who do remember are made to feel confused, alone, and shamed by attacks which we/they were powerless to prevent. Girl rape victims are told it was their own fault, just as adult victims are. We’ll never know how many girls were murdered to prevent the truth being told.13

One of the biggest patriarchal secrets has been the rape of girls by male relatives in “normal, happy families.” We’re taught the lie of “family love,” but we live the reality of rape by male family.

Even many Feminists don’t want to know about the extent of rape by male family and the reality of male violence in general, saying that talking about it is “negative.” But knowing and facing the truth stops the self-hatred many girls and women feel from being attacked. Men don’t want us to remember or to know what they’ve done and continue to do. They don’t want us to remember the power we felt in our essence as little girls before they began their assaults.  And they don’t want us to regain our full selves, because then we can stop them and change the world. Our families fight to stop us from talking about rape by male family, to protect our attackers.  For most of us, we already know the truth. To finally say it out loud and to fight it politically, releases the horror and frees us.

Meanwhile, the male media rapidly co-opted the work of Dykes who’ve been publicizing the prevalence of rape by male family, faster than any other female issue since the beginning of the present wave of female liberation. This attempt to control the issue shows how central it is to the oppression of females. Rape, especially the rape of girls by their fathers, is the most brutal, early lesson we receive in our subjugated status as females in patriarchy.

The media talks of “child-molesters,” concentrating on the minority of boy victims, when it’s girls who are the prime victims. They focus on the rare woman or Gay male perpetrator, which protects the vast majority of attackers, who are heterosexual males.14 Thus, fathers, step-fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, etc., escape notice and blame. The attacker is described as “deranged,” “unusual,”15 and “sick.” The reality is that the average rapist is a normal male, and studies have found the convicted rapist and “average” male to be psychologically indistinguishable.16 Elizabeth Ward writes,

“…it is obvious that the Fathers come from every class in society.  A judge, a          barrister, a diplomat, an eminent doctor, a university lecturer, a teacher, a university student, a businessman, a film star, a labourer, a tradesman, a public servant, a farmer, a counsellor, a minister of religion, a soldier, a politician, unemployed, handicapped, very old, very young:  Everyman.  All have raped girlchildren.”17

The rapists sometimes skip a generation, so that the woman’s grandfather sexually assaulted her as a girl, while her father sexually assaults her daughter. Both are pressured to forgive.

Far from showing concern for girl victims, the male media makes money off our/their bodies. Rape has always been a big seller, spoken of in sexually provocative, sensationalistic, and pornographic ways. Ads show young girls looking seductive in cosmetics. Men attack girls and then make films about it to get a thrill by watching themselves. They also try to take credit for “exposing” rape by male family, which also means they’re controlling women’s reaction to it. An explosive issue which could forever change all women’s attitudes toward men, heterosex, and the family is turned into a TV soap opera.

Something so full of pain and horror is actually trivialized by men, presenting it in a bland, unreal form in TV movies:  Daddy rapes his little girl, but he still “loves” her, and she “loves” him, and everything’s all right in the end — just like a het “love” story.  The family even stays together.18  It is lies. That’s one of the most horrible things about patriarchy — it’s terrifying and destructive, yet also deeply boring and numbing. The horror and damage immobilize us and take away our hope for justice and change. The numbing makes us passive. Either way, men make it very hard to fight back.

The long-term emotional and physical effects of rape by male family are so severe that it’s a wonder that any girl survives, let alone survives with any physical or mental or emotional health. Rape by male family too often is the cause of illness, suicide, and psychiatric incarceration of girls and women.

“The idea of torture is to … demonstrate that there is no hope, that you can’t trust anyone, that you have no control from the point of torture on.” “Torture as a conscious exercise of … policy [is] systematic violence used to keep entire populations depressed, disorganized, humiliated and quiescent.” These are statements in a newspaper about torture victims from Central America living in the San Francisco Bay Area. “Symptoms can include anxiety and physical aches. There may be nightmares, painfully vivid memories, muteness, overwhelming grief, insomnia or withdrawal.” These are also among the many effects victims of rape by male family suffer. They’re reacting the same way as torture victims. “A terrifying message can be sent to entire communities by returning prisoners to their families, broken and silent, or by dumping mutilated bodies in public places.”17 — like girls at school witnessing each other’s silent pain, like girls, Lesbians, and other women hearing about yet one more attack, rape, mutilation, and murder of a girl or woman. Comparisons to political torture clearly demonstrate the true reasons for rape by male family in a way nothing else can. It’s a male policy decision about the management of potentially rebellious females. (Females in countries where prisoners are routinely tortured are therefore doubly terrorized and damaged from rape.)

We’re not claiming men openly talk with other men about their decision to rape their daughters, though some do brag and joke about it. But their actions point to a mass male agreement on the rape and torture of girls: the male media either ignores or exploits the issue; the male police, legal, and social work systems collude by failing to prevent rape and convict the rapists; so-called “radical” men are silent in the face of the now widely-publicized statistics, trials, and victims’ stories; and males tolerate, defend, buy, act in, and film pornography involving girls. They may not make explicit government policies saying all men should attack and rape all girls, but in every way, men’s reaction to the issue indicates their approval. The judge who fails to convict a rapist of girls is, after all, likely to have raped his own daughters or other girls. Those who do protest are often doing it to protect their own property from other men.

                                                         Boys Will Be Boys

Mankind is poisoning the Earth. The air and water are contaminated, cancer and other man-made diseases are epidemic,18 and the same men who can create nuclear war at their whim are casually raping their daughters and other females. Female apologists for men and boys say that males are rapists because they were sexually assaulted when they were young. Why then aren’t most females rapists too? Or they say the problem is merely socialization — that “males were only taught to do these horrible things” (by who?) and “they’re really no different from females.” But the truth is obvious to anyone who’s not invested in believing the lies.

Females are clearly physically different from males. We have different organs, physiology, and body chemistry. Our brains are also anatomically different and function differently. The corpus callosum, the part of the brain that connects its two halves, is bigger in females, which means that females use the intuitive right side and factual left sides of our brains in a more balanced way than males. Female brains also use 20% more energy than male brains. One male researcher said that it takes males until their thirties to physically be able to develop compassion. Testosterone changes brains permanently, causing males to be much more violent than females. Ninety percent of violence in the world, across all cultures, is committed by men and boys. The man who compiled this information said, “Men are competitive and less sensitive to context. How do we insure global peace in an atmosphere charged with testosterone?”19

Why do so many Feminists avoid thinking about the proven effects of testosterone?  Men talk about it openly. It’s why male farm animals are routinely castrated — otherwise they’re uncontrollably violent and dangerous.20 (As filmmaker Michael Moore, said to Bill Maher on television, “We want to fuck anything in front of us.”)

The truth is all around us, and even our other animal sisters know better than most women that it’s the norm in males to want to rape and kill.

The behavior of many other male animals is similar to human males, with male mammals being among the worst: brutality, constant violence, fighting over territory, obsession with fucking, and sometimes killing females they are trying to rape, as well as killing the babies and raping and killing other species. Even media favorites like koala males, when attempting to rape the females, often kill the females and their babies. Male sea otters kidnap baby otters from their mothers, forcing the mothers to bring food to them. They kill ten percent of the females when trying to rape them. They also rape baby seals to death and continue raping the corpse until it rots. Male lions kill the babies, including their own, and rape the females. In one bug/hemiptera species, the males literally puncture the females’ abdomen to reproduce.

Certainly socialization doesn’t cause male animals to act the way they do, so there’s only one other explanation.

In response, some female animals have built female-only societies, while others choose to live in groups where all the adults are female and males are ejected once they are adolescent and from then on live alone, since they can’t get along with other males. Some female species, like ants and bees (so much for “the birds and the bees” propaganda) have almost completely eliminated the males and control the existence of the few they choose to create.

These aren’t just biological differences, but spiritual differences.  Body and spirit are united. You can usually distinguish a male animal from a female just by his facial expression. Too many Feminists don’t believe in the innate differences between males and females even when they can feel that difference. Perhaps it’s too hard to face the fact that nature isn’t perfect, because that also means facing the fact that males won’t change their brutal ways. Yet it doesn’t really matter whether males can’t or won’t change, because they aren’t changing. That is their choice and responsibility — no more women should devote their lives to males, pleading with them to stop their violence.

The behavior of many other male animals is similar to human males, with male mammals being among the worst: brutality, constant violence, fighting over territory, obsession with fucking, and sometimes killing females they are trying to rape, as well as killing the babies. Even the media favorites like koala males happily kill babies and females. Male sea otters not only kill babies to control females, but they also rape baby seals to death and continue raping the corpse until it rots, many days later. Certainly socialization doesn’t cause male animals to act the way they do, so there’s only one other explanation.

Some female mammals choose to live in groups where all the adults are female and males are ejected once they are adolescent and from then on live alone, since they can’t get along with other males. Male lions frequently prey on the female societies, intruding on their territory, stealing their food, and killing lion cubs, including their own offspring. These aren’t just biological differences, but spiritual differences.  Body and spirit are united. You can usually distinguish a male animal from a female just by its facial expression. Too many Feminists don’t believe in the innate differences between males and females even when they can feel that difference. Perhaps it’s too hard to face the fact that nature isn’t perfect, because that also means facing the fact that males won’t change their brutal ways. Yet it doesn’t really matter whether males can’t or won’t change, because they aren’t changing. That is their choice and responsibility — no more women should devote their lives to males, pleading with them to stop their violence.

Why do most women forget the incredible cruelty and nastiness of the boys of their childhood?  Boys are miniature men who grow up to have the power of adult men.  They actively oppress girls in the same way men oppress females, by humiliating, insulting, beating, raping, and even killing girls.  We know Lesbians who were sexually assaulted when they were little girls by boys as young as five years old.  We know of a seven-year-old girl raped by her nine-year-old brother. This isn’t uncommon.20

Boys also verbally and physically assault women. Women sometimes arrogantly believe themselves safe from boys’ physical attacks, but if there are enough boys or if the females are unable to fight back, they too can become victims of even very young boys. And because of their age, boys are rarely punished and are safe from prosecution even when they’ve committed murder — after all, “boys will be boys.”

As our Separatist friend, Katinka, from Sweden, wrote to us:

“These are just a few of the things I read in the newspapers recently; a 7-year-old girl stoned to death by a boy, a 10-year-old girl stabbed to death by a 16-year-old male, a 58-year-old woman stabbed in the neck and killed by an 11-year-old boy, a 13-year-old stripped naked and beaten in the schoolyard by boys, and a 6-year-old girl who had been kicked so severely by boys her own age at a day care that she had nightmares and screamed while sleeping. A friend of mine in West Virginia told me about a murder reported in the newspapers there where a Lesbian had been stabbed to death by her 15-year-old son; he stabbed her lover as well but she survived.  The crimes of even younger boys against girls and baby girls never reach the news media of course and these boys as well as teenage boys are never punished in any way since the girls are blamed and no one really recognizes it as oppression to begin with.”21

In Katinka’s article, “In Defence of Dykes’ and Girls’ Lives,” She says:

“Lesbians are often ‘shocked’ at many Lesbians’ hatred of boys. Why is that? I am shocked, angered and disappointed by many Lesbians’ lack of understanding of girls’ lives. Hatred and anger are healthy and natural reactions to oppression. These feelings are also politically important and necessary. My hatred of men and boys grows all the time when I see what they do to women and girls, and the indifference of others never ceases to stun me.”22

Still, feminists defend and protect boys. In a review of a women’s book of self-defense stories, a feminist wrote about one story that particularly shocked her:

“A woman who taught small children told of a 4-year-old boy in one of her classes who didn’t like the fact that she swam in the ocean. He told her that women weren’t supposed to do that, and when he grew up he was going to cut off her arms and legs so she couldn’t do it anymore, and then he would swim out farther than she had. Although such a little boy probably didn’t realize the gruesomeness of what he was saying, it does reveal the attitudes even small children can already have about women.”23

Why does the feminist reviewer excuse that boy? Of course boys know exactly what pain, injury, and limitation is. After all, a popular boys’ pastime is to torture and kill animals. Calling the boy’s threat “the attitudes of small ‘children,’” denies the difference between girls and boys, and holds girls equally responsible for such violent anti-female attitudes.

Blaming socialization for boys’ violence blames the females who raise and teach boys.24  The implied solution is that even more female lives should be devoted to changing males. The reality is that men and boys know it’s wrong to rape and murder.  There are laws in most cultures saying so. Blaming socialization excuses those who commit the crimes and portrays the attackers as victims. This is the typical patriarchal trick of reversing reality — the truth is called lies and lies are called truth. In the resulting muddle, no male is ever held responsible for his actions. The truth is that the crimes of mankind are willful and deliberate. We ask: When will men and boys be held accountable for their crimes? When will females of all ages be protected and cared for, instead of their attackers?  Why do women so often love the rapist more than they love his victims?


1 It’s revealing how female-hating the most revered men seem to be, from Mohandas Ghandi, who forced young girls to sleep naked with him to prove his celibacy, to the often-quoted Sufi poet, Rumi, who wrote a poem about a woman who watched her female servant enjoying being fucked by a donkey, so she tried it, and ended up being fucked to death. How lovely and spiritual. The Importance of Gourd Crafting, The Essential Rumi, New Expanded Edition, translated by Coleman Barks, HarperCollins Press, 2004,181.

2 This study of men’s toilet behavior found that men leave a hormonal secretion on toilets. When they have a choice, men choose a toilet unmarked by this hormone. Females don’t leave such secretions. A. R. Gustavson, M. E. Dawson, and D. G.  Bonett, “Androstenol, a Putative Human Pheromone, Affects Human Male Choice Performance.” Journal of Comparative Psychology 101 (1989): 210-212.

We know a Dyke whose parents visited her Lesbian household in the country, and the first thing her father did was to urinate against the outside wall of their house in full view.

3  It’s revealing how obsessed men are with the idea of artificial, man-made “people” and whether they can have true human emotion. At the same time that men call it “anthropomorphizing” and “wishful thinking” when some people believe that animals have emotions like humans, men continue to make up android characters in the male media, showing machines with feelings. We can’t help but think that men are obsessively trying to explore their own lack of emotion. Their question actually seems to be “Can men feel real emotion?”

4  Man’s technology and forest destruction is producing excessive amounts of carbon dioxide, causing the “greenhouse effect,” a warming of the planet, which causes huge storms, floods, droughts, and land loss. Many scientists say this is the beginning of an irreversible planetary disaster. (We wrote this over 25 years ago. The situation is obviously a lot worse now.)

5  “Dark Circle,” a documentary film produced by Judy Irving, Chris Beaver, and Ruth Landy, first shown on KQED, a San Francisco PBS television station, in 1986.

6 Independent Documentary Group, 1982, shown on US PBS television stations in 1988.

7  Information from Bay Area Women Against Rape, Berkeley, California.

8  “West 57th Street,” a CBS television news program, US, 8 October 1988. A 10-year old girl who’d been raped for five years by a family “friend” finally summoned the courage to tell her doctor. He raped her too, telling her she was “trash forever.” There are also reports of police raping rape victims.

9 Information from US Federal Bureau of Investigation.

10 Jeffner Allen, Lesbian Philosophy:  Explorations (Palo Alto, California: Institute of Lesbian Studies, 1986), 28.

11 Diana E. H. Russell says that in her study of 930 females, according to the broader definition of “incest,” including “ … exhibitionists as well as other unwanted noncontact sexual experience … 54 percent … reported at least one experience of … sexual abuse before they reached 18 years of age, and 48 percent … reported at least such experience before they reached 14 years of age.” (p. 62) However, Diana also says that “Many people cannot remember any childhood experiences before the ages of three or four or even five. How often incestuous abuse occurs with small babies … is unknown … One such recent case involved a father who self-disclosed that he had orally copulated with his two-week-old daughter. Most of these very young victims will never remember the incestuous abuse — a fact that some perpetrators are likely taking advantage of.” (p. 34) The Secret Trauma: Incest in the Lives of Girls and Women (New York:  Basic Books, Inc., 1986).

“One out of three girls are sexually abused by the time they reach the age of eighteen.” Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, Courage to Heal, A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse (New York, USA.: Harper and Row, 1988), 20.

“Some studies indicate that 38% of all girls … have been sexually abused …” “Frontline,” PBS Television, originally broadcast Apr. 12, 1988. WGBH Educational Foundation, Transcript No. 609, 1.

“Research indicates around 85% of child sexual offenders [men who rape girls] are either a family friend, a relative, or acquaintance of the child” “ … around 70% of girls who are sexually abused … are 5 to 11 years old.” Family Violence Prevention Committee and Accident Compensation Corporation leaflet, New Zealand Listener, 10 December 1988, 117.

12 Females living in countries under foreign rule experience additional colonization.

13 “Most frightening of all is that many ‘inexplicable’ family murders that adorn the front page of afternoon tabloid newspapers are a response to incest. The family murders I am speaking of are those where the father apparently kills his wife and all their children, then shoots himself. When this causal theory was originally suggested to me … I felt skeptical. I asked the then most senior female police officer in the NSW police dept. if she had heard of this theory. Her reply rocked me: ‘Oh, yes, we know that. There’s nothing we can do about it.’” Elizabeth Ward, Father-Daughter Rape, (London:  The Women’s Press, Ltd., 1984), 90.

14 Most of the so-called women “rapists” who’ve been prosecuted for having sex with boys actually were preyed on by the boy, as in the case of Villi Fualaau, who was twelve when, after already fucking girls, told his friends he was going to “nail” his teacher, Mary Kay Fualaau (Schmitz/Letourneau), which he did. Yes, it was wrong of her to agree, but it was his decision, revealing how much power even a twelve year old boy can have in relation to an adult woman and teacher. Mary Kay and Villi were discovered and she was sent to prison for seven years, though he impregnated her twice when she was temporarily released, and she was sent back to prison. After her final release, they were married.

15 In San Francisco in 1987, there were a number of sexual assaults at a military childcare facility. In an effort to prove how “unusual” this was, the blame was placed on the influence of “Satanism.” Not only does this take the focus from the actual frequency of child sexual assault, it indirectly blames witches, including Lesbians, because in most hets’ minds, witchcraft and Satanism are the same thing.

16 Leaflet, Bay Area Women Against Rape, Berkeley, California. “Alan Taylor, a parole officer who has worked with rapists in the prison at San Luis Obispo, California, said, “Those were the most normal men there.’”

17 Elizabeth Ward, Father-Daughter Rape, 87.

18 This was the theme in Something About Amelia,” US film,1984. Girl rape is also a common theme in television advertisements. An ad for baseball games said a good reason to attend the games was “pretty girls – lots of them,” showing a girl who was about three years old. KPIX-TV, San Francisco, 6 September 1987. An ad for the US NBC television series “Hunter” said, “The bait in a murder trap is blonde, beautiful, and two years old.” San Francisco Chronicle, 1 December 1988.

17  Edward W. Lempinen, “Memories of Torture Haunt Bay Area Refugees,” San Francisco Chronicle, 1 August 1988, A6.

18  In the 1950’s, females had a one in ten chance of getting cancer — it’s now one in three, Rose Appleman, “Cancer:  Breaking the Isolation of the Epidemic,” Coming Up, S an Francisco, December 1988, 9.  As of February, 2011, it is just over one in two.

19  Roger Bingham, “The Sexual Brain,” Community Television of Southern California, 1987. Shown on KCSM-TV, San Mateo, California, May 18, 1988.

21  In Florida, a seven-year-old boy pulled a gun on two girls in his class at school and demanded that they have sex with him. Information from friends, 1988.

22  Katinka, “In Defence of Dykes’ and Girls’ Lives,” Amazones d’Hier, Lesbiennes d’Aujourd’hui, No. 20, Québec, Canada (June 1988), 205.

23  Liz Quinn, review of Her Wits About Her: Self-Defense Success Stories by Women, in off our backs, January 1988, 18.

24  Anna Lee wrote an excellent article on this, “The Tired Old Question of Male Children,” Lesbian Ethics, Vol. 1. No. 2, 106.

Posted in Additional Radical Lesbian Feminist writings | Tagged , , , , , | 30 Comments

Chapter Five — LESBIANS FOR LESBIANS — Dyke Separatism

Chapter Five


                Dyke Separatism Means Loving Dykes

                                                           Bev Jo

                                                     Linda Strega


In a male supremacist world that reviles Lesbians, it’s a deeply courageous and loving choice to be a Dyke Separatist and say, “We put Dykes first. No one else cares for or loves Dykes, but we do.” Separatism comes from the same place within us that our choice to be Lesbians comes from — fierce love, passion, protectiveness, and commitment to our own kind. It’s the most female-loving politics, philosophy, and way of life on Earth. Separatism also means having the courage to perceive the world the way it really is.

The principles of Lesbian Separatism – female-only space – are what created Feminist and Lesbian Feminist culture and community. It’s what made our politics and blossoming creativity possible in women’s centers, bookstores, coffee houses,  meetings, readings, newspapers, journals, books, dances, parties, plays, concerts – with no interruptions, domination, or voyeurism by men. The unique magical feeling of Lesbians together is incredibly powerful.

All Lesbian Feminists and other women who participated in our communities benefitted from Lesbian Separatist politics. It changed everything. It still is changing the world, though under more pressure than ever by men trying to destroy women-only space, (which says what a threat Separatism is.)

So why was Separatism so reviled and lied about in the Seventies and still is, all these decades later, by the same women who profited from it?  Why are we the one Lesbian group who everyone loves to scapegoat, lie about, and hate?  Why are we treated as if it’s a crime to care for and love our own people and actually make Lesbians a priority instead of putting everyone else first – men, men who pretend to be women, men who pretend to be Lesbians, women who pretend to be men, women who choose men, and women too Lesbian-hating to choose to be Lesbians?

Separatism for other oppressed peoples is rightfully admired and understood, even though many have been killed for daring to do it (proving how necessary it is). Of course people under siege need to meet with their own kind, away from their oppressors. But not Lesbians and other females. Why? The answer is that females count for little, and Lesbians even less. Women and Lesbians together away from the policing eye of men are extremely threatening. Also, Dyke Separatism is saying no to men, and they punish and try to destroy any female who does that. And then women take on the policing job for men.

As Pippa Fleming, in support of Lesbian Separatism, once demonstrated, while standing with a group of Lesbians of different races, “This kind of Separatism is not acceptable….” and then walking a few feet away to stand next several African-descent Lesbians….”but this kind of Separatism is.” Yet, even while Lesbian Feminists and other Feminists welcomed our politics of women-only space, Lesbian Separatists became the scapegoats of our community – harassed with the most ridiculous slander, banned from Lesbian and feminist organizations and social groups. The attacks continue, even though men, with collaborator women’s help, have invaded our last women-only space.

I (Bev) became a Dyke Separatist in 1972 and I don’t know of any other Lesbians who have been Dyke Separatists as long as I have, so I want to keep our culture and history alive. As a group, we had less privilege than most of the Lesbians who attacked us, yet the Separatist-hating slander said we were privileged and lived escapist lives in the country. Like most Lesbians, we are majority working class and live in cities. Separatism is about who we choose to be close with, not who we are forced to relate to for survival.

No other oppressed people are so ordered to make their oppressor priority. As an oppressed people, we have the right to be with each other away from our oppressors — het men (including those pretending to be women and Lesbians), Gay men, boys, and women allied with and invested in men. We also have the right to choose who we love and trust, who our friends will be, and who we’ll work with politically. This is the basis of feminism, which was once taken for granted in many countries. Lesbians, women, and girls, created times and places to be together, protected from male stares, perving, domineering, insults, and violence.

Even after all these years, at the Old Lesbians Organizing for Change conference in July, 2014, which, except for the man pretending to be a Lesbian, was operating under Separatist principles of being for Old Lesbians only, Separatists were targeted for slander and hatred. One of the speakers, who owes her fame and writing career to the support of Lesbian Feminists, aimed the usual lies and hatred at Separatists. She told personal stories of how betrayed she felt by her lover’s son and how used she felt by her own son, yet her direct anger was aimed at Lesbian Separatists for no apparent reason. Her claim that all Separatists are European-descent and middle class is not honest since she knows that’s not true, and here she was benefitting from this space where she was virtually worshipped, once again scapegoating us with hatred. Why?  Because we are the easiest target and she could motivate the audience of Old Lesbians, at almost Lesbian only space, to participate. And of course in her attack on Lesbian Separatists, she completely ignored the existence of NIA, which is the only Lesbian only organization that we know of in the San Francisco Bay Area, by and for Lesbians of African-descent.

             Who You Choose to Love Says Everything About You

If all Lesbians put Lesbians first in every aspect of our lives, and if all Lesbians fought heterosexism and every other oppression among us, we could create vital, powerful, joyful Dyke cultures. In many countries in the 1970’s and 1980’s, Dyke Separatist politics produced exciting, creative communities of Dykes, transforming Lesbians’ lives and making it easier for many heterosexual women to become Lesbians. But now Lesbian energy is diverted into helping everyone but Lesbians. When Lesbians prioritize supporting het women, even though het women prioritize males, is that because het women are considered more “real” women and more “oppressed,” even while they are oppressing Lesbians?

Dyke Separatism means always putting our Lesbian friends, lovers, and political allies ahead of males and het and bisexual women. It means making Lesbian values more important than male and het values. Putting Lesbians first also means never siding with men or het women, including relatives, who are oppressing Lesbians. That includes not neglecting or abandoning Lesbian lovers and friends in an effort to be accepted and approved of by family, het friends, or co-workers. Being true to Dyke integrity is more important to us than the social acceptance we’d get by silently accepting Dyke oppression.

Dyke Separatism means relating only to females when we have the choice. Because men control the world’s resources, we have to deal with men for physical survival, but we don’t choose to be close friends with them. (Some Separatists make cautious exceptions for male relatives, while other Separatists don’t.) Separatism also means working politically with other Lesbians whenever possible (except for the most trusted het or bisexual women who do not despise us.)

It is an unforgivable crime in patriarchy for females to dare to deeply and completely love ourselves and each other, so Lesbians are the most universally hated people on Earth. We are so hated that het individuals and media try to pretend we don’t even exist. In every patriarchal, het culture, our existence is denied or viciously lied about. Men and boys are expected to love themselves and their male cultures, and het women are expected to love and devote their lives to men and boys. To be more accepted, many Lesbians also accept the patriarchal role of women prioritizing males, while the few of us who say “no” to this injustice are hated by Lesbians as well as by men and het women.

Because males daily threaten our survival, we protect ourselves by resisting them at all times in every way possible. Separatism means refusing to collaborate with men in the ways they oppress, exclude, humiliate, attack, rape, and kill females. Separatism also means fighting the Lesbian-hatred and female-hatred that turns us against our own selves, which leads to illness or death. Too many Dykes have died because of Lesbian-hatred. Too many Dykes have killed themselves trying to escape the pain of oppression. Separatism means choosing life.

By definition, all Lesbians live in a Separatist way, because we aren’t sexually intimate with men. Refusing to let men fuck us is a courageous act of rebellion in patriarchy. Separatists take this intrinsic Lesbian act and extend it into all parts of our lives, consciously refusing every male demand.

Lesbian Separatism has a history and culture. We have always met together in political Separatist-only groups and with friends. In the US, there were also Separatist Gatherings, with the first that I know of being in 1982 at DOE Farm in Wisconsin, another in San Francisco in 1983, and then a series of annual Gatherings in Wisconsin in the late Eighties and early Nineties, and another in the Bay Area in 1993. There was also the Separatist anthology, For Lesbians Only, edited by Julia Penelope and Sarah Hoagland, printed in 1992.

I became a Dyke Separatist after meeting a nineteen year old Separatist when I was twenty one at the 1972 Lesbian Feminist Conference that I helped organize in Berkeley (one of the first in the world). Separatism from men was already taken for granted among Lesbian Feminists, but this Lesbian clarified that she was also a Separatist from het and bisexual women since they were collaborating with men. Even as late as 1991, some Separatists wrote that women-only space was a given everywhere. And now, twenty-five years later we do not even have the safety of female-only public restrooms.

Some het women smugly say to us, “But you’re cutting yourselves off from half the human race!” – forgetting how much they have cut themselves off from the greater number, which are women, and that they’re even cut off from themselves. Their perceptions are distorted because only males really matter to them. These are the kinds of ridiculous mind-fuck/gaslighting comments that women devoted to men throw at Lesbians to get us to react with shame and guilt, and to feel we are not being “normal” women because “real” women prioritize males.

It simply isn’t possible to be loving, nurturing, and loyal to both males and females, because males are waging a war against all females. Even if males don’t seem to be participating at a particular moment, that can change at any time. Commitment to any male is a commitment to male supremacist rule, and that means participating in the abuse, exploitation, rape, and murder of Lesbians and other females. Some self-hating Lesbian Feminists have said, “It doesn’t matter who you go to bed with or whether you love males or females — what’s important is how you live the rest of your life.” This trivializes what it means to be a Lesbian. Who you choose to love, says everything about you. There’s a world of difference between females and males. Lesbians who value males and het females more than Lesbians are female-hating, but no female is as female-hating as those who intimately nurture males over females.

If all women refused to relate to males, that would be the end of patriarchy. Even just for Dykes to say that we have the right to our own Dyke communities is a revolutionary act. Not collaborating with men also means valuing life over men’s death-worshipping cultures, and choosing Dyke wisdom and creativity over the cold, empty, boring stagnancy of patriarchy.

Simply by existing in a world that denies our existence, and by surviving millennia of male rule, Lesbians are a resistance movement. Throughout patriarchal history, Lesbians have always been in the forefront of fighting for female rights and defending females against male attack, while het women have continually betrayed us to men and created more men. Just as we’re the core of present day Women’s Liberation, we were the core of past feminist movements. The most out, blatant Dykes have been the most consistently courageous in fighting for Lesbian survival because of refusing male-identified rules of femininity. (It’s no coincidence that the media forbids us from ever even seeing a Butch, except for a rare one who is shown being raped and beaten to death, as in the film Boys Don’t Cry).

Where permitted by men and het women, usually because they’ve been closeted or “discreet,” Dykes have also been in the forefront of national, racial, ethnic, class, and other liberation movements across the Earth. This work gained rights for men and, to a lesser extent, het women. But Lesbians have been persecuted, imprisoned, and murdered in both “revolutionary” and reactionary societies. Wherever you find strong, exceptional females – in the past or present — you find Dykes. We should reclaim our courageous past with pride and remember that current international radical Lesbian movements, including Dyke Separatism, come from that tradition.                 

                                         Female-Only: Freeing Ourselves

Men made institutions to enforce patriarchy and patriarchal propaganda: governments, military, police, legal, medical, educational, and social welfare systems; media with newspapers, magazines, television, films, advertising, “literature,” “art,” and, of course, the ultimate male cultural expression — pornography, vital to their terrorization of females. Man’s organized religions vary in their female-hatred, but all provide symbols and myths to “prove” the “inevitability” of male dominance and heterosexuality.  Male institutions are made to appear such a necessary part of the world that it becomes almost impossible to imagine living without them — particularly the social institutions considered “normal,” like heterosexuality, marriage, motherhood, and the family, as well as artificial male-identified femininity and false standards of “beauty” that keep all girls and women insecure and ungrounded, and which even most Lesbians take for granted. These cultural institutions are as vital to male rule as governments and armies.

Patriarchy isn’t just outside of us in rape, murder, and male institutions. It’s also inside of all females’ minds, in how we think, feel, speak, and act, because we’ve been indoctrinated with male propaganda since birth. Separatism means examining and ultimately freeing ourselves from all those male lies, as well as freeing ourselves from actual male presence. We need to question everything because anything that doesn’t come directly from Lesbian culture is likely to be anti-female and anti-Lesbian. Separatism is a way to keep clear awareness in a world that thinks only of exterminating Lesbians.

Some Lesbians believe that to be truly Separatist, we must never see or hear male media, as if we’d be uncontrollably influenced by this propaganda. But Separatists aren’t that weak. It’s far more important for Lesbians to recognize and eliminate male and heterosexist thought and behavior than it is for us to afraid look at a book or film by a man. We need to know what lies are being told in the media and also to recognize the ways that Lesbians are following male and het fads. Separatism doesn’t mean shutting ourselves off from patriarchy — ­it means knowing its lies so clearly that we’re strong enough to reject them.

Why is female-only space now almost non-existent in many communities, when it was common in the early 1970’s? It’s not like men and boys are less prurient and dangerous or that we don’t have the same needs for safety and community. What’s different is the steady erosion of Lesbian identity and commitment, but most importantly, the entire economic situation changed so that there simply isn’t enough money to have the spaces we once had. Even the bars are gone.

In the US, the change began dishonestly, with events still called “women’s” or even “Lesbian,” while beginning to welcome men. It was a shock when a “Lesbian Conference” in San Francisco was open to men and het and bisexual women. There’s also a dishonest change in the US, where some events are still called “women’s” or even “Lesbian,” while also welcoming men. Even a “Lesbian Conference” in San Francisco was open to men and het and bisexual women. The conference organizers even wanted male media attention. A “Lesbian Health Forum” in San Francisco was even more upsetting because men were not only welcomed over Lesbians’ protests, but when a doctor with limited time answered audience questions, all the men were called on while many Lesbians were ignored. When sign-up sheets for support groups for ill Lesbians and their friends and lovers were passed around, the men also signed up. We’d gone to this forum only because it was clearly advertised “for women-only.”

Part of the problem is that some Lesbians and women made careers out of our movement, getting power and status and money at the expense of our communities. Like when Lesbian directors of organizations which betray Lesbians to men make $300,000 a year, while still asking poor Lesbians to donate.

Some of the biggest money-makers have the word “Lesbian” on them, like the National Center for Lesbian Rights, which prioritizes men over Lesbians and other women, and even campaigns to destroy the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival (one of our last and most precious spaces), on behalf of the men identifying as Lesbians — the same men who threatened the Festival for years, walking around with weapons and signs saying “Die Cis Scum” (“cis” is the name the trans cult uses for real women since they’ve taken “women” for their own), handing out cards with the ugly porny image of women commonly used as stickers on trucks, but with a large erect prick, and the words, “Real woman have cocks” — who are now allowed in, because of Lesbian betrayal, parading around exposing their pricks. Many Lesbians and other women are still fighting to save the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival as women-only space, including doing a letter writing campaign to NCLR, but NCLR is likely to follow the direction of whoever has the most money, which is the trans cult and other men.

                                     Boys First Means Lesbians Last

Anti-Separatist Lesbians who want an “inclusive” rather than Lesbian-identified movement have selfishly undermined female-only space. They seem to forget that het and Gay men, with so much more money and power than Lesbians, have plenty of spaces that are not “’inclusive” to women. Their commitment is to men, and, particularly, boys first. Many Lesbians who seem to understand the need for separation from men often act as if they think boys are another kind of female, not noticing how abusive most boys are to girls and even adult women. Why are mothers of sons and their supporters so upset about female-only space when it’s so rare anyway? They act as if a once-a-month or even once-a-year female-only event is going to destroy their sons.

Males expect that all girls and adult females exist for their use and ownership. When females bully other females into accepting the presence and demands of males, they’re acting as agents for those males. It’s important for boys to learn that they can’t get everything they want and to be taught to respect the rights of females. Some Lesbian mothers do try to teach their sons this, but most seem intent on training their boys to be dominant.

When mothers of sons disrupt female-only events until they get their way, they’re teaching those boys to be the center of attention, which is, after all, the traditional role of a male among females. And when Lesbians fight for boys’ “rights” at the expense of females, they’re not only denying us our basic right to choose to be away from our oppressors, they’re teaching boys that no girl, Lesbian, or other woman has the right to say “no” to them. They’re truly training them to be young men in a male world. It’s no coincidence that some of the Lesbians who first brought boys into female-only spaces later brought men who identify as Lesbians into our community and organizations. These are heterosexist choices for Lesbians.

                              The Sacred Gift of Lesbian Only Space

Heterosexuality and all het women oppress all Lesbians. Het women act as men’s collaborators in maintaining male and heterosexual supremacy. Female-only isn’t enough – we also fight for Lesbian-only. And, as an oppressed people, we have the right to say clearly who is one of us and who isn’t. Het and bisexual women, and even men, say they’re Lesbians when they want access to us.

Separatism means Lesbians together — not just “Lesbians away from others.” Lesbian space is not a vacuum because it’s devoid of male and het women. There’s almost no truly Lesbian land anywhere, or even any female land. Most “women’s” land welcomes boys and often men. Lesbians have no countries, states, cities, towns, neighborhoods, or even streets where we’re safe and welcome, let alone which belong to us. We are despised everywhere. Men own the world, and even Gay men control entire neighborhoods and towns. The few “women’s” places usually cater to het women. Lesbians always come last, even for most Lesbians. Lesbian-only space has existed only for brief times in a very few places in the world, even when women-only spaces were strong and numerous.

Lesbian-only space is a precious gift to all Lesbians. We have the right to be where Lesbianism is valued and loved openly instead of being voyeurized and endangered by bisexual and het women. We also have the right to just feel safe enough to have fun and enjoy each other’s Lesbian selves away from our oppressors. It isn’t enough to just be away from male presence, although that’s an essential first step. Lesbian-space feels completely different from women-only space, just as women-only space is different because no males are present.

Dykes have survived thousands of years of patriarchy, being attacked, imprisoned, tortured, and murdered for daring to be Dykes. We know so little about our long Lesbian past. There’s some small record of the most privileged Lesbians, but the stories of the majority of more oppressed millions are lost to us forever. They built and sustained hidden Lesbian communities and cultures, but there are none of the things that honor the lives of men and even some het women — no monuments or buildings dedicated to their memories, stories told, songs sung. In fact, the trans cult, with far more resources and money, are re-writing our history and claiming every dead famous Lesbian, from Joan of Arc to Teena Brandon as a “transman.” (This reminds us of when Mormons baptize dead people who were not Mormon, including people who were killed in the Holocaust, against the wishes of those who love them.)

Before the Lesbian Feminist movement, most Dykes had nowhere to meet except for a few expensive male-­owned bars that abused us. Creating and supporting our own Lesbian spaces transformed Lesbian lives. Yet the rare Lesbian-only spaces we know of that existed in recent years weren’t destroyed by police wrecking them or by governments closing them, but by pressure from men passing as Lesbians and by anti-Separatist Lesbians, usually the same groups that destroyed female-only space. Once again, the demands of females dedicated to males were made more important than any Lesbian’s rights.

Some Lesbians have complained that we aren’t doing enough outreach to help het women come out. Often the Lesbians making these statements have chosen to live in isolation while Separatists like ourselves have worked for years helping het women as well as creating Lesbian-only gatherings and forums, and writing Separatist politics. Lesbians provide many services to make it easier for women to come out, but we shouldn’t have to give them any rare places that might still exist for Lesbians. Putting women who choose men before other Lesbians doesn’t help het women, anyway, because they’re more likely to come out, and stay out, if there are visible, strong, Dyke-identified cultures. Putting het women first only perpetuates the ancient Lesbian theme of waiting — waiting for things to improve, waiting for men to stop attacking us, waiting for het women to stop betraying us, waiting to find our own kind and love and friendship. It also continues the ancient female tradition of supporting and living through everyone else except ourselves while no one looks after us. We’ve waited and sacrificed long enough.

Far more Lesbians work on het women’s issues, supporting women assaulted by the men they choose, birth control, and abortion — just as far more Lesbians work for Gay men’s issues, like AIDS — than work for Lesbians. Dykes who prioritize het women are automatically putting them before Dykes, because the whole world makes het women more important than us. We can’t develop and work on Lesbian politics with het women because, by definition, they will no longer be Lesbian politics.

Women-only and Lesbian-only space is also essential to have online, at blogs and in facebook groups. You immediately know that a site is a troll group if it claims to be “feminist” but men are allowed, or, even worse, moderate the groups.

While Lesbian-only publications have disappeared in the US, “erotica” magazines and books supposedly published by Lesbians have appeared. Why do Lesbians buy and write for these publications, particularly the expensive glossy ones which are obviously funded by the male porn industry? One of the most popular among some supposedly political Lesbians is even sold in liquor stores in San Francisco. Making images of naked Lesbians available for male pornographic titillation is selling all Lesbians against our will. Whether or not the Lesbians photographed mind that men see them, we mind. One Lesbian exposing herself in this way hurts and exposes all Lesbians. Do we really want men masturbating to Lesbian photos and staring at all Lesbians in public with with those magazines in mind? Rapes of obvious Lesbians have increased, and we know of a series of attacks in San Francisco in which one of the Lesbians was forced to watch while her lover was being raped. It’s bad enough that men and het women make pornographic books and films about “Lesbians” without Lesbians participating in it. Het women who work in man-made “Lesbian” porn are also betraying us.

                                    Separatists Fight All Oppressions

Females as a group are far kinder and more just than males. (For instance, women are the vast majority of those working to help or rescue animals and anyone needing help.) Female plus female — Lesbians — greatly multiply this potential. Lesbians know what it’s like to be ostracized and unfairly hated, and so, as a group, Lesbians tend to be the most devoted to fighting for justice and equality, whether it’s for oppressed groups of women, people, other animals, or the environment.

However, we live in patriarchal societies divided by racism, anti-Semitism, ethnicism, classism, imperialism, ableism, fat oppression, looksism, and ageism. That means that most Dykes worldwide suffer these oppressions in addition to female-hatred and Lesbian-hatred. Being opposed to all injustice is central to Separatist politics. Because Separatists love Lesbians and hate oppression, we don’t want to do anything that harms any Dyke or makes her life harder, and we also refuse to tolerate oppression for ourselves. We oppose all oppressions, including when men and het women suffer them.

Some racially-and class-privileged women have said, “Racism and classism were invented by men and if we focus on those issues we’re letting men divide us.” Regardless of how racism and classism originated, they exist now and have existed for thousands of years. Privileged het women have participated wholeheartedly in racism and classism as their privileged men’s helpmate, nurturer, feeder, breeder, wife, and mother. European-descent, gentile women may not have started slavery, the Ku Klux Klan, the Nazi party, and colonialism, but they participated in and profited from those atrocities. If all men disappeared tomorrow, racism and other oppressions would continue. It’s right wing and liberal “feminists” who are letting men divide us, if they ignore oppression among women. They are also not being true feminists, because real feminism means working for equality among us. They also need to learn feminist history to know that the most oppressed women were a crucial part of the early Radical Lesbian Feminists.

Oppressions are best fought by truly caring about the Lesbians subject to these oppressions, whether those Lesbians are ourselves or someone else. Being oppressed ourselves doesn’t automatically mean understanding someone else’s different oppression, but it can help in terms of knowing what it feels like to be stereotyped, denied access to important resources, treated as “other” by the privileged dominant society, publicly harassed, physically attacked, in danger of being murdered, and ignored or ridiculed in the mainstream media.

Those of us with additional oppressions shouldn’t use that as an excuse to avoid being responsible about any privilege we may also have, nor should we only agree to fight a Dyke’s oppression if she fights ours. Oppression should be fought regardless, and being oppressed doesn’t cancel out any privileges we have, although it makes the privilege less powerful. Fighting all oppression means constantly trying to find ways to resist any privileges we have by developing non-oppressive language, creating political groups and events that are welcoming and inclusive of all Lesbians, and expanding our knowledge of the world to take into account the everyday realities of Dykes from all experiences, cultures, and countries. Developing inclusive language is difficult and the results can seem labored and sometimes artificial, but it’s still vital to do it, because the languages of those in power reflect their supremacist values. Creating inclusive political and social events means privileged Lesbians being sensitive to the cultures of Lesbians from backgrounds different from their own, and not objectifying them as “exotic” or “other.”

As Dykes, we know what it means to be objectified by men and het women, but the most privileged Lesbians often have little understanding of more oppressed Dykes’ lives except as media caricatures, while oppressed Dykes usually know a great deal about privileged cultures. Privileged Lesbians sometimes say that all countries and ethnic groups are male-dominated as an excuse to not learn about other Lesbians’ cultures, yet the same Lesbians accept the cultures in power as the norm, even though they are more male-dominated. In fact, strong female-loving traditions from ancient female cultures still survive in recognizable form in many contemporary cultures, in spite of invasion and colonization by more male-oriented nations.                                             

                                                  We Have No Brothers

This chapter is about Lesbians, but we’ll say a bit here about Gay men because many Lesbians who recognize het men’s misogyny still work politically with Gay men and relate to them as if they were Lesbians. It makes sense to sometimes temporarily ally with Gay men if they’re being harassed, since we share some aspects of “queer” oppression with Gay men, and bad treatment they get also affects us. But Gay men are still men. Male bonding is, after all, the basis of patriarchy, and Gay men are usually as openly female-hating as het men. When Lesbians work politically with Gay men, we’re drained and only the men benefit.

The heterosexual, familial appearance of men and women together, even if they’re Lesbian and Gay, is very appealing to some Lesbians. The attraction of “normality” should never be underestimated. Organizations, like the Shanti Project, for “dying Gay men and Lesbians and their loved ones” were changed into groups dealing only with “people with AIDS,” (over 90% men) — and dying Lesbians were told to go away. Everything in the world seems to be about “men” and “mankind,” but suddenly it’s “people” with AIDS. Like other STDs, AIDS is primarily transmitted by semen, so Lesbians are the least likely people to get AIDS through sexual contact.1

After AIDS appeared, Gay men wanted to be identified with Lesbians in order to obscure the fact that AIDS is primarily spread by men. In true vampire fashion, a San Francisco Gay newspaper ad targeted Lesbians with “Our Boys Need Blood …. Lesbians: help solve an urgent crisis in our community. Our blood is the least likely to be contaminated with the AIDS virus. Our blood is urgently needed for the ever-increasing numbers of AIDS patients. Stand with our brothers in fighting the AIDS epidemic.”2 These men who had refused to share any of their massive resources with us and who subjected us to having to see their pornographic and naked displays in that newspaper, which was our only way to find out about local Lesbian events, suddenly wanted our actual blood? What a mind-fuck to play on Lesbians’ (many disowned by het family) wanting a replacement family and acceptance by pretending we were in a familial relationship with men who despised us.

How did it become Lesbians’ job to help men deal with their STDS from fucking each other to death?  A Gay man who I (Bev) met in 2012 said that Gay men would never have helped Lesbians if we were dealing with a lethal epidemic, even though they have so many more resources. He’s disgusted with most Gay men and said that because he has AIDS, he’s regularly asked by Gay men to give it to them. (Yes, that rumor is true. Lesbians ask me about this, horrified, and I can only answer that this is one more way that we are a world apart from necrophilic men.) How dare they imply these Gay male strangers are our brothers or sons?

Yet, all these decades later, when AIDS can easily be prevented, Lesbians are still donating time and money and participating in AIDS benefits, like the AIDS Life Cycle Ride, which made $14.5 million in 2013. For years, the San Francisco “Lesbian and Gay Parade” (later “LGBTQ” Pride Parade) was the only way for Lesbians to march publicly, but Gay men also subjected us to their female-hating drag displays and we had to see the massive NAMBLA — “North American Man-Boy Love Association” — banner. As the parade became increasingly corporate and expensive to join, there were a handful of Lesbian contingents, while thousands of Lesbians marched under AIDS banners. You would never have known there was a difference between Lesbians and Gay men, or that the caring was not remotely reciprocal. Yet, more Lesbians in this same area are homeless and sick and dying than ever before.

We don’t advocate neglecting or harassing anyone with AIDS, but we are saying that Lesbians and het women’s great concern for AIDS victims are because most are men. Even US “Feminist Women’s” clinics have special sessions for Gay men’s other STDs.3

In a speech given at an Eighties San Francisco conference for Lesbians who were taking care of men with AIDS, Jackie Winnow, a Lesbian dying of metastatic cancer, said

…. there’s a few things you should know. There are around 100 women with AIDS in the Bay Area. In 1988 there were 40,000 women in San Francisco and Oakland living with cancer; at least 4,000 of the women with cancer are lesbians; 4,000 will die this year. Only 1.5 percent of the city health budget last year went to women-specific services …. There are so many women in our community with health problems, be they cancer, environmental illness, Epstein-Barr or multiple sclerosis, but they are not seen as having anything serious enough to be taken care of … and women are on the lower rungs of the financial ladder, and when they become ill the bottom falls out much quicker, because they’re closer to it …. Why aren’t we screaming that sexism kills us? …. All disease in this country is political … the money going to AIDS was taken from the cancer budget ….4

As Anna Lee, a Black US Lesbian Separatist, says in her brilliant article, For The Love Of Separatism:

Another example of the bond between white lesbians and white males is the almost wholehearted endorsement of the need to support males dying of AIDS…. many white lesbians both separatist and non-separatist claim that because black women are dying of AIDS, lesbians should be involved in that struggle. It is true that black females and males die from AIDS. It is not true that AIDS is transmitted through the air we breathe and the water we drink. It is transmitted through sexual contact with someone who has AIDS and through blood exchange with someone who has AIDS. Because of the way AIDS is transmitted, lesbians are a low risk group. In order to induce lesbians to work on AIDS, the definition of lesbianism is diluted to include women who have sexual contact with men. Who then is a heterosexual woman?…. I’m still waiting for white lesbians to question their bond with white men and what that bond means to creating a diverse lesbian community. The bond between white lesbians and men is currently a stumbling block to the creation of meaningful race and class diversity.”5

                             Hating Males Who Hate Us Is Self Defense

Dyke Separatists’ refusal to love men and boys is extremely threatening, because males need females for their survival in ways that we simply don’t need them. So our saying no to males is interpreted to mean we are man-haters. But we are Separatists first because of our love for Lesbians.

Yet when someone hates you and is actively trying to destroy you and those you love, it’s a reasonable, healthy decision to hate him. Responding in any other way is self-destructive and self-hating. The christian platitudes “love your enemy” and “turn the other cheek,” inviting your attacker to hit you again, are obscene, reactionary, and sado-masochistic philosophies. There’s no neutrality under male rule. If males weren’t constantly harassing us and attacking females and destroying the earth, then perhaps we could try to just ignore them. But if you truly love the earth, plants, animals, and all females, then inevitably you grow to hate men and boys as a group.

Men and boys hate life itself, which shows in the way they automatically attack all living things, from throwing rocks and and sexually assaulting animals, to hitting plants with sticks. Refusing to recognize that fact keeps us powerless and in danger. Most females who are raped and killed are assaulted by men they know and have trusted. Even females who are attacked by strangers sometimes waste precious seconds hesitating to defend themselves, because they’ve been taught to mistrust their own instincts when they’re in danger and don’t want to hurt the feelings of the men. Girls and women often don’t want to be interpreted as unfair, suspicious, unkind, or untrusting of males, even when preyed on. What are most women’s responses when approached by a man they don’t know? It’s still a shock to realize that many women first wonder if their hair or clothes are attractive enough to the man and appraise him as a potential date.

Taking the courage to distrust and hate males gives us a detachment that releases us from the stress of constant anger, while freeing us to feel the rage we need to protect ourselves when in immediate danger. It also helps us to heal from the damage done to us in the past. The right to fight for survival is a basic right of nature.

No oppressed group is required to justify its resistance to a deadly enemy the way Separatists are. Why aren’t men and boys similarly expected to justify their hatred of females and Lesbians and all life? And why aren’t het and bisexual women challenged for choosing to support males? It’s acceptable everywhere for men and boys to hate all females, because their violent misogyny is so built into their cultures that it’s treated as normal and inevitable. A man who’s slightly less female-hating is praised as a “great exception.”

Women and girls are told to “forgive and forget” in a way that men never are. This is designed to keep women vulnerable to attack. Alice Sebold’s autobiographical book, Lucky, is about being raped at knife point by a man who continued to stalk her and later raped her best friend, ending their friendship. The rapist was so premeditated that he had a system worked out with a rapist friend who looked almost identical to him who would arrange to be brought in for the police lineup, after having arranged a good alibi with witnesses. Alice’s book is harrowing in describing how her life was almost destroyed by this man who continued to stalk her for years, yet when she was interviewed by Terry Gross on the National Public Radio show, Fresh Air, Terry actually asked Alice if she had “forgiven” the rapist. That was such a horrible, cruel thing to do to Alice, though she managed to say “no.” Can you imagine a man who has written about being tortured, raped, etc. being asked in the media if he “forgave” his attacker?

So much female life is spent thinking and worrying about men. Het women constantly worry about whether men will like them, be attracted to them, or whether they’ll be able to keep their men — or whether the men they love will physically or emotionally attack them or even kill them, as well as sexually assault their daughters. When you don’t care about men or welcome them into your personal life, you spend far less time thinking about them than other women do.

Some non-Separatist Lesbians go out of their way to praise males and talk about how much they love men, as if they are trying to prove that they aren’t “abnormal” man-haters. Yet the same Lesbians who go on about how much they love men sometimes bait Separatists by saying that we’re “like men,” because we hate men. Suddenly they act as if maleness was terrible — you’d think that they’d want us to be like men if they’re so fond of them. This comes from the traditional Lesbian-hating lie that Dykes are like the worst men. Yet it’s het women who most imitate men in thought, feeling, and action. (After all, both men and het women love men first.)

Lesbians who taunt Separatists for our healthy rage are acting in men’s interests, not female’s. Men are terrified of what will happen if all females become man-hating Dykes. What should be questioned is automatically loving, admiring, promoting, emulating, nurturing, trusting, seeking the approval of, covering up for, fucking, breeding, and raising males. In a world where males, including boys, daily maim, torture, beat, rape, kill, exclude, and oppress females, it’s loving males that’s irrational, unrealistic, inappropriate, obsessive, and male-identified.

We dare to say the truth about the horrors that men commit, so Lesbians who choose to live in a humanist fantasy world about “gentle men” are frantic to silence us. Censorship of Separatists by Lesbians and liberal feminists is part of that attempt to hide the truth, which is far more destructive to Lesbian cultures and communities than openly hating men could ever be.

Internalized Lesbian-hatred is so strong among most Lesbians that they hate and insult Separatists more than any other group of Lesbians, including those who are actively support the right-wing, capitalists, sado­masochists, practicing christians, etc. Separatists are criticized with more hostility than men or het and bisexual women ever are. And Lesbians who normally preach tolerance and love towards every person, including men, will spout the most vicious lies against Separatists. The irony in all this is that everywhere that Separatist political activism exists, it’s made Lesbians’ lives safer and better.

Lesbianism is said to be caused by a childhood trauma that makes us afraid of men, so many Lesbians who are rape victims fear being stereotyped if they admit to hating men. It can be a shock to realize that almost all females, Lesbian and het, were sexually assaulted as little girls and have good reason to be afraid of and repulsed by males. That’s not why we’re Lesbians any more than that’s the reason het women choose to become het (which is the line that liberal feminists are spreading). In fact, we’d find it easier to be more loving with each other if we weren’t sexually assaulted as little girls. It’s healing for Lesbians who’ve been attacked by men and boys to say openly that we hate them. It’s cruel and disrespectful to tell us to feel otherwise. Why is there a double standard, where Lesbians support women raped and beaten by men to be angry and distrustful towards men while telling Separatists not to be?

Most non-Separatist Lesbians, and probably even more het women, loathe men on some level. It’s emotionally impossible for females living under male terrorization to not feel rage at them. Separatists are just more direct and honest. Non­-Separatists can spend hours talking about hating men, and many would never be friends with them, yet if you dare to tell non-Separatists they sound like a Separatist, they are insulted. Married het women who’ve lived with men for years are usually the most vocal about how nasty, arrogant, violent, cold, and cruel men are. The difference is that het women are selfishly committed to those they hate because of the privilege they get for it — they don’t want to shake up their lives by facing reality, so they devote themselves to men and boys, undermining other females on males’ behalf.

The Lesbians who don’t hate men should realize that if they really loved or even liked men, they would be heterosexual. Being a Lesbian isn’t about the mythological “born this way” or “sexual orientation” propaganda, or about finding females more “sexually attractive” than males. There’s so much pressure on females to be het, and so much punishment for being a Lesbian, that “sexual attraction” alone doesn’t explain Lesbianism. Being a Lesbian means intensely loving females. On some level, all Lesbians are repulsed by men, which is a very natural female/Lesbian feeling. Non-­Separatists who love men and boys are still not nurturing them in that essential way that men demand: They don’t agree to be fucked. That very refusal says something crucial about who we are. A Lesbian who loves males is a contradiction.

Some ex-het Lesbians who are still very het-and male-identified may be more emotionally tied up with men than they are with Lesbians. Many came out because they couldn’t get the care and love they wanted from men but do get from Lesbians, yet they don’t love Lesbians. They’re still concerned about what men think of them, and some are trying to impress individual men that they still relate to. Many of these Lesbians go het again for the status and privilege.

                                Anti-Separatism Is Anti-Lesbian

The deeper our commitment is to Lesbians first, the clearer it becomes that everything in patriarchy is designed to put Dykes last. As we become more aware, we can recognize the most disguised Lesbian-hatred, even when it appears in our own Lesbian communities and friendships.

When we meet other Lesbians, we meet ourselves. When we see another Dyke being oppressed by men and het women, we re-experience our own oppression. When we see another Lesbian’s self-hatred — the Lesbian-hatred she’s taken into herself from the patriarchal world — we’re reminded of our own self-hatred. Much of this self-reflection is unconscious, yet can have profound effects on the ways we treat each other as Lesbians. We can either respond caringly and protectively or with re-directed self-hatred. From the Lesbian who snubs you in the street or avoids you at work, to the rampant hatred directed at Separatists in our own Lesbian communities, internalized Dyke-hatred and heterosexist hierarchies devastate our lives as individuals and communities.

Horizontal hostility is part of all oppressed groups. Those who want to be accepted by their oppressors are ashamed of and distance themselves from the most oppressed, most recognizable, most radical of their group, believing that such “trouble-making” members give their entire group a “bad name” and damage its chances of acceptance. Those who are the most proud of their identity and culture are the most likely to become the group scapegoats. In Lesbian communities, it’s Separatists and the most recognizable Dykes (particularly Butches) who’ve been attacked in this way by conformist Lesbians who want to be accepted by men and het women.

From the start, Separatists have been so lied about and ostracized, that it’s a wonder any of us are still politically active or even personally functioning. Yet the Lesbian feminists, Lesbian socialists, “radfems,” and other activist “radical” Lesbians who attack Separatists would never consider directing such abuse at most other oppressed groups, including other separatist groups. Because Dyke Separatists are “merely” Lesbians, and so insistently Lesbians, it’s acceptable for them to take out all their fear and rage on us. After all, no male or het radical movement cares about Lesbians, so why should other Lesbians?

Separatists we’ve talked with from six different countries have described almost identical experiences of insults, ridicule, threats, slander, and ostracism in their Lesbian communities.

Meanwhile, Lesbians who ally and identify with men and het women do get some measure of tokenized validation and respect from liberal men and het women, and thus from other Lesbians. It’s the traditional male protection racket — women attach themselves to men in order to get “protection” (from other men, of course), while “unattached” females are treated as the lowliest females in society.

Anyone who fights oppression is attacked by the oppressor and by the collaborators, and we’re no exception.                      

                     Lying About Separatists on Behalf of Patriarchy

Lies don’t have to be true to be believed, and stereotypes don’t need to make sense to be convincing. Some anti-Separatist stereotypes are in fact direct opposites: Separatists are reviled because we hate men, yet we’re said to be like men; we’re said to put too much energy into men because we refuse to put any energy into men; we’re accused of being narrow, rigid, intellectual, unfeeling zealots, yet we’re also said to live in a naive fantasy escapist utopia. We’re called harsh and cold, but we’re also accused of being too emotional and intense in our reactions to oppression.

Anti-Separatists accuse us of being “immature,” just as psychologists say that Lesbians are permanently immature, in an arrested stage of development (the evidence being that we never went from having girlfriends to having boyfriends, which is based on female-hating Freud saying that clitoral orgasms were immature and mature women would have vaginal orgasms, from being fucked of course).

Anti-Separatist lies mirror traditional anti-Lesbian stereotypes: “It must have taken something terrible to make you hate men so much” is a variation on “You’re only a Lesbian because you had a terrible experience with men.” Yet we’re also said to be privileged, with no true knowledge of men or the “real world.” Feminist socialists accuse us of being just a non-political spiritual and cultural alternative lifestyle, while “apolitical” Lesbians criticize us for being too political. We’re told we’re too full of hate because we dare to love ourselves in a Lesbian-hating world. Stereotypes aimed at other oppressed groups usually don’t make any sense either, because stereotypes and lies are merely tools used to make those groups seem less “human.”

One of the nastiest attacks on Separatists is to call us “militaristic” and “fascist,” even though Separatism is deeply opposed to fascism and war, and fascist governments always try to exterminate their Lesbian populations. Separatists, like all Lesbians, are in particular danger from right wing men. Calling Separatists “fascist” is also anti-Semitic, because it denies the existence of Jewish Dyke Separatists who are courageously out about being both Separatist and Jewish. Such comments are also particularly offensive to other racially and ethnically oppressed Separatists.

Mainstream patriarchy aims similar lies at non-­Lesbian activist groups, whether they’re anti-racist, het feminist, socialist, unionist, anti-imperialist, environmentalist, or pacifist. Any group fighting for reasonable changes in the basic structure of inequality is accused of “reverse discrimination.” Those who fight for justice under an oppressive system don’t have the power to discriminate against their oppressor. Excluding our attackers isn’t the same as our attackers enacting laws to exclude us -­- it’s the opposite.

Separatists are also accused of being “critical” and “judgmental” because we dare to criticize a system that’s killing females and because we dare to judge men for their crimes. That doesn’t give us social power — it’s a dangerous, painful thing to do that has no external reward.

Separatists are accused of doing nothing and having done nothing for the world. That’s what hets say about Lesbians: “Nothing plus nothing equals nothing.” So the Lesbian-only centers, publications, books, demonstrations, gatherings, conferences, forums, actions, self ­defense classes, art, healing, music, concerts, dances, and love that Separatists have created, and which have improved Lesbians’ lives, must all be worth nothing too, since the accusers only value men and het women.

One of the strangest criticisms of Separatists is that we don’t exist. (This is a charge that right wing pretend ”radfems” make about Butches also.) Truly, some Lesbians have said that Separatism is a thing of the past, yet here we are, across the earth, more of us than ever before. Centuries of persecution haven’t made Lesbians fade away, and persecution won’t make Separatists disappear either. The same courage, determination, and love that keep us alive as Lesbians keeps us going as Separatists.

There’s something very wrong when a movement devoted to fighting oppression is accused of being completely oppressive. It makes sense that men and women invested in males lie about Separatists, because we threaten their power. But it’s Lesbians who are most directly doing their dirty work for them. Why? Het women’s role under male rule is to police other females on behalf of men and, sadly, Lesbians tend to continue this destructive het women’s tradition. Cooperative females are rewarded with social acceptance. Just as het mothers teach their daughters to be quiet and submissive so as not to disturb Father, het feminists suppress and control Lesbians, and anti-Separatist Lesbians try to control and silence Separatists, so we won’t disturb men — especially because when Father is angry, he tends to take it out on the policer as well as the policed. This same system of betrayal happens when male-worshipping women and Lesbians promote men who say they are women and Lesbians against our will.

Anti-Separatists gain in political and social power by attacking Separatists. Some become leaders in the “women’s community,” and some gain influence, status and careers in mainstream het culture. And many Separatist bashers also have gone het.

Do Lesbians who’ve been dedicated to destroying female-only space actually like what they’ve done? Are they happy knowing that little girls are attacked by boys at “women’s” events? Do they like the fact that females have been beaten and raped in the “Women’s” Building in San Francisco by men who were welcomed into the building, and that Lesbians have been attacked by men at a “women’s festival?

Telling a non-Separatist Lesbian that you’re a Separatist is like telling a het woman you’re a Lesbian — they react like you’ve turned into a monster and never speak to you again, or suddenly announce that they’re one too — even though everything they say makes it clear they’re not. Non-Separatists say they’re Separatists for many of the same reasons that non-Lesbians say they’re Lesbians — they want to be with us and enjoy our culture without risking the oppression. They mistakenly think it’s trendy and want the status of being considered daring and unusual. Some are attracted to the truth in Separatism but not fully understanding what it means. There are many non-Separatists who agree with and work for basic Separatist principles such as Lesbian-only and female-only space — yet who’d never identify as Separatists and in fact criticize Separatism.                            

                                                 Lesbians Who Sell Us Out

Recognizing and developing Dyke culture is essential to our survival as Dykes. Culture is the way we express our beliefs, values, and emotions. It’s our music, art, writing, oral traditions, dancing, healing, and even love-making — it’s everything that celebrates Lesbians. If we don’t live within and through our own Dyke culture, we automatically live within and through the dominant male and het culture.

Feminist and Lesbian businesses that are run for power and profit have accompanied the weakening of radical Dyke politics. The betrayal in trying to get as much money as possible affects our communities also in terms of promoting segregation, because events for these organizations cost more than the majority of Lesbians can afford, effectively keeping out the poorest Lesbians, who are also likely to be oppressed by classism, racism, ageism, ableism, etc. We believe this isn’t just coincidental, but deliberate. How nice for the rich to be able to socialize with other privileged Lesbians without being embarrassed by seeing one of their Lesbian servants at events.

It’s not inherently bad for a Lesbian to run a business catering to Lesbians, but it’s a bad idea to confuse it with radical action, to make money at the expense of other Lesbians, and to use it to gain a power position. Many of these businesses make political statements of welcoming men, and sell Lesbian culture to men, while being unfriendly to Lesbians as a group. Basic feminism was opposed to hierarchies with stars and followers, because the star system condones the belief that some women are intrinsically better than others, and should therefore legitimately have power over other women. Now stars are revered without question, even though their power depends on other women being denied power. Usually someone becomes prominent only by diluting her radical politics and dominating and using other Lesbians.

Lesbians once did political work in collectives open to all Dykes, but now many Lesbian organizations are exclusive and closed. Most have “boards of directors” with hierarchies and rules based directly on class-privileged men’s corporate regulations and hierarchies. Decisions are made through a director’s’ decree or power block voting, so that Lesbians in a minority position are ignored or driven out. (And some of these directors make horrifying amounts of money.)

Instead of sharing emotional and political support in the radical free small groups that were once a foundation of Lesbian Feminist culture, there are self-appointed “leaders” or “facilitators” whose qualifications were given to them by men, who control meetings according to their biases and privilege, who tell you when and how you can talk and what you can talk about — all for an expensive fee. Paying them reinforces the “proof” that they are “experts.”

Things that we used to do for ourselves are now in the control of those who run support groups as a business. This has greatly weakened Lesbian politics and communities. The self-reliance, creativity, and daring of Lesbians developing our cultures and politics from our own experiences was the essence of our Dyke culture and essential to our survival as radical, independent, and egalitarian communities.

The Lesbian therapy movement has been a powerfully reactionary force in Lesbian communities. The strong, clear thinking that once transformed Lesbian lives has been diluted into a muddle of dangerous psychobabble. A Lesbian psychology book says that it’s “heterophobic” for Lesbians to criticize het women, and also “homophobic,” because it means we’re not secure in our identity. And of course anyone protesting men in women-only or Lesbian-only space are called “transphobic.” This is classic mind-fuck, as unreal as “reverse racism” where the white racists are whining about being oppressed. Men have the power and are oppressors. Women allied with men against Lesbians are not oppressed when we say no to them or confront their oppressing us. And no, Lesbians are not “homophobic” for fighting our oppression. We’re Lesbian-hating only when we betray ourselves and each other and our cultures.

Mind-fuck and gaslighting are a powerful and dishonest way to silence oppressed groups, by using our politics and language against us. Words that have power and impact are made meaningless. Another example of this method is to silence anyone you disagree with by calling her an “abuser,” even though she’s never hit or threatened or emotionally abused anyone. That, of course, takes all meaning out of the word “abuse,” but it’s a good way to politically and socially eliminate a Lesbian who you don’t like.

“Misogynist” is another term used against Radical Lesbian Feminists and Separatists to bully and censor. Twelve-step programs based on those of Alcoholics Anonymous have been developed to deal with other problems Lesbians have. They’re less hierarchical than some forms of therapy, but because they were originally developed for men, they stress humility and giving up power. Of course this is a good idea for men, but not for Lesbians. Lesbians don’t need to believe in a “higher power” or a male god — we have enough trouble believing in our own power. It would be far better to develop “programs” to overcome self-hatred and learn to love our Dyke selves: in which Lesbians would declare, “I had to face the fact that I have an inner power, and that I can have a powerful effect on others.”      

              Separatism Means Doing Things in Radical Dyke Ways

Lesbian publications and increasingly online Lesbian and “radfem” blogs and facebook groups often avoid strong, radical ideas, and instead promote reactionary politics that are widely supported by the male media and patriarchy. Some are deliberately trolling to promote right wing, reformist, or liberal “feminism” as Radical Feminism, while censoring real Radical Feminism, to confuse new feminists.

They are deliberately undermining our Lesbian Feminist politics of forty plus years. Lesbian policy statements saying clearly that a publication is against heterosexism, racism, classism, ethnicism, imperialism, ageism, ableism, fat oppression, and looksism are rare now, when they once were basic Lesbian Feminism. Invitations especially directed to more oppressed Dykes to write are almost non­existent. Instead of having an editing policy which encourages Lesbians to write in more real, less pretentious ways and to reach writers who have less confidence because of oppression, most Lesbian publications are eager to follow male journalistic and academic styles of classist and racist editing. Slick Lesbian journals refuse work not because it’s oppressive (which should indeed be refused), but because it’s not “good enough” in terms of style, spelling, and grammar.

These male standards have no place in Lesbian communities. All Dykes’ work should be valued, not just those with male university training. Of course we want good quality publications, but that doesn’t mean excluding Dykes by arrogantly presuming to know how we should express ourselves. Racial, ethnic, national, class, and other differences are expressed in writing and language styles, and they should be respected. Otherwise, the many beautifully varied Lesbian voices we have are reduced to the bland, boring, tedious, privileged, and often unreadable form of “proper” class-privileged, academic, WASP English. When male standards are used by Lesbians, including enforcing fake feminism, we lose Lesbians and other feminists who should be with us. These oppressive standards would have eliminated the Lesbians who helped create Lesbian Feminism.

The Lesbian and “radfem” star system has meant that some of us have seen our own and others’ brave Separatist politics reviled, only to have them reappear in a diluted form, plagiarized as the well-loved ideas of well-known writers. These often-quoted stars are usually class-and race-privileged, clearly Fem, proudly ex­-heterosexual, and were still het when the radical Lesbian ideas that they’re now calling their own were first written and said. Unfortunately, even some Radical Feminists contribute to this by quoting and praising certain “radfem” stars, while ignoring the anti-Lesbianism and sometimes even anti-feminism in their writings.

There was such a sense of promise and excitement in the early 1970’s. Then, as selfishness and selling out increased in the growing right wing mainstream male and het cultures, it moved into Lesbian communities. Some of these attitudes were brought by recently-het Lesbians who never heard of caring, egalitarian, Lesbian ways of doing things, and when they did, openly despised them. Being part of a group that accepts selfish behavior also means being treated selfishly and living cold, lonely lives, full of the pretense of love but never the reality. Yet these Lesbians continue imitating male and het cultures.

The “wimmin’s” culture that once meant “Lesbian” is now clearly about “women,” with het women’s values again. Instead of real politics based on real love, “women’s” music is full of the fake “love” found in male music. Lesbian lovemaking is sold as pornography in some Lesbian publications or online. Women fitting grotesque male standards of “beauty” are considered “beautiful” by deluded Lesbians and het women. Even Radical Lesbian Feminists seem incapable of posting images of females that are not disturbing in how male-identified feminine and silly, ungrounded and flimsy they look, One well-meaning Radical Feminist activist actually wrote an article saying she wanted to be a “fairy” and “princess.” Radical Feminists tried to find “warrior women” images to post online, and only found grotesque drawings of half-naked skinny women in high heels looking like they had breast implants. Even many Radical Feminists don’t seem to be aware of what it means that men would never choose to look the way even “strong” women are now portrayed, except as caricature, and that there are almost no strong and dignified images of women anywhere. All are pornified, with revealing clothes, stances, expressions, and poses that men never use because they are porny, demeaning and humiliating. Awareness of all this was common feminist knowledge in Lesbian communities in the Seventies. It changed when porn and sado-masochism was brought into our communities from Gay and het men, by bisexual women posing as Lesbians.

Lesbian consumers who are desperate to fit into the “real” world eagerly consume lies. It’s a choice to live in an artificial world. But if we have enough courage, we can reclaim our Lesbian traditions and our passion, fire, and realness. We can think for ourselves and refuse to participate in the increasing co-option. Most of the co-opters couldn’t and wouldn’t continue undermining us if there wasn’t money to feed them, since money and power is all they care about. If we refuse to fund, believe in, and follow them, then they would fade away.

Dykes who’ve been discouraged by the co-option and by Lesbian betrayals can take heart by remembering that the growth of Dyke-identified communities worldwide is just beginning. Forty-five plus years is a long time in an individual’s lifetime, but it’s a tiny fraction of the thousands of years of patriarchy and Lesbian isolation. Our numbers are growing across the world, across all generations, and our international connections and solidarity are increasing. As we become more Separatist, and therefore more Dyke-loving, we will have the communities we dream of.


1.  As of January, 1989, the 24-Hour National AIDS Hotline of the US Centers for Disease Control reported that of the 82,406 cases of AIDS in the U.S, only two Lesbians had contracted AIDS through sexual contact — and that was from using “sex toys” still moist with the blood and vaginal secretions of their infected partners. Other medical reports claiming female-to-female sexual transmission turned out, on closer examination of the literature, to involve Lesbians who were intravenous drug users and/or bisexuals, so they were probably infected by men or needles contaminated with infected blood. While other Lesbians are clearly at low risk of contracting AIDS, there is always a risk when anyone is lovers with bisexuals or with Lesbians who were recently het (tests aren’t always reliable, since the HIV virus can take a while to show up), or is doing sado-masochism with an AIDS carrier (because of blood-to-blood contact through traumatized, torn tissue). Just as Lesbians are the group at lowest risk for sexual transmission of AIDS, we’re the lowest risk for other STDs. A study of 148 sexually active Lesbians in San Francisco revealed no cases of syphilis, gonorrhea, or chlamydia. Sexually Transmitted Diseases,  April-June 1981, 75.

  1. Coming Up, San Francisco, California, August 1986, 9.

3. The Oakland Feminist Health Center has a “Men’s Wart Clinic” for “treatment of penile and anal venereal warts.” Oakland, California, USA, 1987.

4.  Rose Appleman, “Sustenance for the Long Haul: Lesbian Caregivers Conference.” Coming Up, San Francisco, California, August 1989, 6.5. Lesbian Ethics, Vol. 3, No. 2, 1988, 54.

5. Lesbian Ethics, Vol. 3, No. 2, 1988, 54.

Posted in Additional Radical Lesbian Feminist writings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

Chapter Seven: Motherhood: The Ultimate Feminine Role

Chapter Seven: 

Motherhood: The Ultimate Feminine Role

Bev Jo
Linda Strega

(Originally published in 1990, I, Bev, have updated this to share online.)

Radical Feminism is about questioning everything we are taught is sacred and unquestionable in patriarchy, from male religion to every other male dictate for females. Radical Feminism means understanding all male cons in both the political and personal, exploring the political effects of each personal decision, and knowing what choices are possible. Motherhood is one of the most important foundations of patriarchy, yet we are taught that choosing it means becoming woman supreme.

Any time we find ourselves being expected to genuflect to and pay homage to any particular group of people, which means valuing ourselves less, we need to deeply think about why we are expected to do that – especially when they are often our oppressors.

This is not about criticizing women who are mothers, but about exploring the institution of motherhood and how it keeps patriarchy going, because women claiming to be Feminists are still choosing motherhood.

Please have no illusions: If you choose to reproduce, you are being incredibly selfish and keeping patriarchy going. Patriarchy and the daily extinction of species would stop very soon if women just stopped reproducing. This is the one thing where each woman’s decision has a massive effect on the future.

Motherhood is one of the biggest cons and cults of patriarchy. Women complain endlessly about how terrible their lives are as mothers, even though most choose it (yes, most women know that if they choose to let men fuck them, pregnancy is likely). At the same time, mothers brag endlessly about being mothers and about their children, particularly sons. They openly pity women who can’t have children. Most participate wholeheartedly in the destructive myth that they are doing something wonderful for society and the earth, when the reality is that they are giving the earth a death sentence. At the very least, mothers do not have to add to the propaganda of motherhood pushed onto all girls and women, yet, in spite of their bitter complaining, most wholeheartedly pressure other females to also reproduce. Why?

One of the dilemmas of talking about the privilege of motherhood is that motherhood is presented by reformist/right wing/liberal feminists as being the most oppressed condition women can experience. What is ignored in this is the power that motherhood has as an institution, how it is promoted with endless media propaganda, and how women who say no are punished. (If you dare say this on most “radfem” sites, you will be banned for telling the truth.)  Like most kinds of privilege you can often only see it when you’re not experiencing it.

Acting out of heterosexuality, reformist feminists focus primarily on men, ignoring Lesbians and women who say no to breeding. (We are an unpleasant reminder that women can and do choose. They would rather we don’t exist.)  Most women are promised much more than they ever get for reproducing the next men and the next women to breed more men, so they are bitter and angry. They make demands on men to help with their children, and then, without any thought about the privilege they have that is directly gotten at the expense of non-mothers, they expect Lesbians and women without children to help take care of those children, as if they have done us all a favor by reproducing and as if we somehow owe them. They also take out their anger at men onto us.

In reality, reproducing is one of the most selfish things a woman can do. The world is horrifically over-populated and adding more humans is killing the planet. If you dare to say this, the most common response is a crazed “But all humans will die out!” as if that is likely at eight billion and growing. These children, who we never had a say about being made, are our direct competition for future survival resources.

The happiest Lesbians seem to be those who came out late, in their forties or fifties, after having husbands, careers, houses, lots of money, and far better health with which to enjoy life. Of course, most wish they had never chosen men to begin with, but they have gotten substantial rewards for reproducing and choosing men, with a far more secure future than most Lifelong Lesbians.

Meanwhile, het Feminists set on keeping this mess going are unwilling to look at their own complicity, and will do anything to avoid taking responsibility for their past choices to be het, or even their current choice of having a man — so they start talking about girls in far-away countries chained to walls, being raped and forced to reproduce, as if that was their own situation, which is designed to shame us into silence. How dare we even question motherhood, enshrined as a cult along with religion and patriotism?

                            The Myths and Mania of Motherhood

To understand why some Lesbians want to be mothers, we need to understand what the mother role has to offer. There are strong Dyke-identified Dykes who are mothers and who don’t expect to be revered for it. But many Lesbians, both mothers and non-mothers, revere the institution of motherhood in the same ways that patriarchy does. They envision matriarchy is as the ideal alternative to patriarchy, but Mother Rule, especially Het Mother Rule, wouldn’t be much of an improvement over Father Rule. What we need is equality between Lesbians, with no one ruling. The way to create that equality is to question and challenge every “truth,” especially sacred “truths,” that we’re taught. That also means questioning much of feminist analysis, especially the parts that reflect het feminists’ heterosexism.

Very few Lesbians question the sacredness of motherhood and the demand that mothers be treated as superior beings in relation to non-mothers. The few who do are  attacked in print, censored, or banned from online groups. The insults are similar to what men and het women call any female who refuses to support the institution of motherhood. That tells us we must continue exploring why patriarchy and feminists so love motherhood. (Amazones d’Hier, Lesbiennes d”Aujourd’hui of Montréal, Québec, Canada, was a wonderful exception to this.)1

There’s a feminist myth that motherhood is the most deeply oppressed, suffering, and hardworking of female conditions, and that, in comparison, non-mothers’ lives are full of fun, irresponsibility, and freedom. Meanwhile, patriarchal propaganda says that motherhood is the only true fulfillment and happiness a female can have, and that childless females (especially Dykes) live pathetic, empty, meaningless, neurotic, lonely, unnatural, and barren lives.

Both of these myths are lies, based on a distortion of truth. The feminist lie is based on the fact that men oppress women and therefore mothers are oppressed by men. Mothers create and raise children for men — boys are future men, and girls are meant to be future creators and incubators of men, as well as servants and fuck objects. Poor mothers who don’t have men supporting them in their mother role have a hard time making enough money to live while also caring for their children. We agree that mothers’ lives can be hard. It’s expensive and time-consuming to raise children. But that hardship is chosen for the privilege involved, and pain and hardship aren’t always the same as oppression. It’s painful to be het, but het women have tremendous social power over Lesbians and oppress us.

Hetness and, in most cases, motherhood, are choices, and both choices come from a commitment to men first. Even when women don’t decide specifically to get pregnant, if they choose to be fucked by men, then they know what the risks are. Women who choose pregnancy gain the particular privilege and respect that only mothers are allowed. (Women often just continue doing what they are told they are supposed to do and follow what “everyone else is doing,” which means choosing men, making babies, etc.  But clearly not every women does that, and trying to fit in and be considered normal is going for privilege. Some women are more calculating and aim to get a man with substantial privilege so they can have security, status, and money, while providing heirs, as well as sexual services as their part of the bargain — higher class monogamous prostitution.)

The feminist lie that defines mothers as oppressed victims ignores the privilege which comes from men declaring that mothers are the women who everyone must love, praise, and admire. It ignores the existence and deeper oppression of Lesbians who aren’t mothers, especially those who’ve always been Lesbians. The patriarchal lie that defines mothers as supremely fulfilled is based on the false “fulfillment” that privilege gives them – only mothers, enacting the most het of roles, are allowed to represent the radiant epitome of womanliness. The rest of us are treated with various levels of contempt, because men consider our lives as barren as they consider our bodies. Many Lesbians ignore the social power that mothers have, like they ignore the power het women have relative to Lesbians. That power is given to mothers and het women by men because men need them. Men couldn’t exist without mothers.

Patriarchy makes a fuss over the physical aspects of how women become mothers, from the het acts of fucking and pregnancy to having a “fertile” body. In patriarchal minds, giving birth makes a Mature Woman out of a girl. Otherwise, all ages of females are just “girls” to men. The baby is the female body’s badge of completeness. As one mother said, “I feel I would be hollow now if I had not been a mother.”2 This glorification is particularly oppressive to females who are physically unable to get pregnant.

The propaganda is that being pregnant is natural and even needed, not just by humans, but by other animals. Some women even force their pets to get pregnant because they think it’s good for them, though for many species, this means being raped. Many female animals are left scarred and injured, and some die as they fight to defend themselves from being raped. In zoos, when they want a species to reproduce, they often shackle the female to be raped because some will fight to the death against the rapists. Being pregnant also sucks the life force from the mother animal. Female bodies respond as though it’s a parasitic invasion and try to kill the fetus. And many women still become permanently disabled or die from pregnancy and childbirth, which is rarely publicized.

Then there’s the social aspect. In every culture we know of, mothers receive far more respect and status than any other group of females, which is why so many women choose to have children. Even patriarchal religions demand, “Honor thy father and thy mother.” Mothers are given their own day — “Mother’s Day.” Businesses praise mothers and give them special discounts — not surprising, since mothers create more consumers. Cards and gifts are sent in their honor, and both the patriarchal and feminist media laud mothers.

Feminist and Lesbian stars do special concerts and events for mothers. One of the largest annual gatherings of Lesbians in the world, the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, has been called “a gathering of mothers and daughters,” with mothers therefore doubly welcomed. That means females who are and were het were publicly more welcomed than Lifelong Lesbians and Lesbians who’ve never been het. It also means non-mothers were automatically put in the inferior position of daughters. What other female or Lesbian group is as regularly and institutionally acknowledged and praised as are mothers? No wonder most Lesbian mothers identify first as “mothers” and second as “Lesbians.”

Many employers give special benefits to mothers, and many pay for extensive maternity leave. Some employers and governments provide free childcare. Non-mother Lesbians pay taxes to support those benefits without getting similar benefits when we’re ill or having to look after our lovers and friends who need care. Many feminist groups also provide childcare or money for childcare. (Bev: I taught self-defense classes for girls and women for ten years for Bay Area Women Against Rape. After administrative changes in the group, my $100 a month salary was eliminated, while office staff members received full salary plus $400 a month extra for childcare. Self defense classes are among the most important support that such groups can give to girls and women. I was committed to never being able to leave the area for more than a week for most of ten years since I taught each week, but mothers had priority.)

In Lesbian communities, more Lesbian money has been donated to Lesbian mothers than any other group, particularly for custody cases, while most other Lesbians’ needs are largely ignored. Since the new A.I. (“artificially inseminated”) mothers became the majority of mothers in Lesbian communities, that means they’re likely to get the majority of funding. There’s usually little or no organized financial support for Lesbians who have other responsibilities, such as caring for ill or dying friends and lovers. How much money and support has been raised for homeless, hungry, terminally ill, disabled, and/or imprisoned Dykes compared to money raised for childcare and custody cases? How many Lesbian events welcome children free (including boys), even if the mothers are rich, and then refuse to let in poor Dykes who can’t pay? Lesbians are simply valued less. Why give the most help to those who provide a future for the patriarchy? Children are future men and potentially future het women, while Lesbians merely stay Lesbians. The richly funded “Lesbian Rights” project in San Francisco is almost completely devoted to Lesbian mothers’ and even Gay fathers’ custody cases. “Lesbian Rights” has become synonymous with “Mothers’ Rights”!  (Meanwhile, the “National Center for Lesbian Rights,” with their enormous budget, primarily works for men, including the very men who are destroying our last female only spaces.)

Lesbians who get pregnant assume they can demand support. (Bev: A few years ago, I organized meetings for Lesbians to discuss Lesbian Separatism. One of the Lesbians who sounded very anti-male and agreed that males were inherently dangerous, was pregnant with a boy. I didn’t know her well, but she actually announced she would have me “on diaper duty” for her baby boy. I told her it’s the last thing I would do. A couple of years later, she confided that her still young son is proof of how boys just throw rocks and there is nothing she can do to stop him.)

Motherhood gives an aura of respectability to a Lesbian that nothing else does except going het. The next best thing to being a wife and mother is to at least be a mother. That’s half of the male definition of “woman.” Motherhood gives surrogate wife status. It’s as close as a Lesbian can come to being heterosexual.14 Lesbians have been considered immature by patriarchy and its psychologists, but becoming a mother means becoming a full adult. Mothers of boys get even more privilege, because males are more valued. This increased privilege for Lesbian mothers is gained at the expense of Lesbian non-mothers.

Too many times we’ve heard Lesbians say that mothers should be particularly respected. The prominence of Lesbian mothers in the Lesbian media is an effort to prove that we’re acceptable by het standards — that we’re not alien, inexplicable, Dykey monsters and that we’re family, feminine, wifely, domestic, motherly, and normal. When mothers and ex-het Lesbians are focused on in this way, it’s at the expense of Butch, Never-het, and Life-long Lesbians. In effect, they’re saying, “We’re not perverts like them. Some Lesbians (us!) are real women.”

One of the highest compliments many Lesbians think they can make is to call someone a mother, even if she isn’t. A Dyke who’d never been het worked many years to help create female-only land. The Lesbians who admired her called her a “founding mother.” A well-meaning Dyke bestowed the term “mothers” on us because our political work meant so much to her. She intended it as warm praise, and we appreciated that, but it was actually a negation of all non-mothers. It’s a male lie that females’ potential ability to breed is the well-spring of our energy, spirituality, inventiveness, protectiveness, and kindness. All these qualities stem from our Dykeness. They’re female, not motherly, qualities.  It hurts us a people and culture when Lesbians continue male propaganda among ourselves by saying that non-biological mothers can become mothers through our creativity.

Part of mothers’ power comes from the myth of their being more wise, responsible, caring, loving, and unselfish than anyone else. “Only a mother knows.” The propaganda is everywhere. Try keeping a list of how many times you see motherhood promoted in the media. A newspaper ad showed a mother and baby with the caption “One of the most important jobs in the world ….” A survey of 1000 U.S. women found that 60% said motherhood is the best thing about being a woman.3 A magazine ad described the reverence given to pregnant women:

I felt this incredible sense of well being. There is really nothing like it. People beam at you. They offer you their seats on the bus. Total strangers walk up to you in the supermarket and ask you if they can touch your stomach. Everywhere you go, you feel like your stomach is announcing: “Here I am! I’m making a baby!” Your parents look at you differently, too. My mother was glad I was finally doing something constructive.

In an interview, one woman said, “Everyone pampers you — sometimes even complete strangers. Also, I felt more womanly while pregnant.”

Another said, “…when I was pregnant, I felt that it was acceptable to be ‘fat.’ For the first time, I really liked my body and that was truly liberating.”4

In another article, titled “Battle of the Bulge — When Pregnancy Feels Like an Enemy Invasion,” a woman says:

 “…the first time I ventured onto a bus with my infant son … a young man whom I would have gone out of my way to avoid on a dark street offered me his seat.”5 In another article, a woman who already has six adopted children says, “Actually making a baby is something very important to me. It makes me feel whole.” The writers go on to say, “The need to be fruitful and multiply is a thing of beauty, an impulse to be adored and respected.”6

These aren’t exaggerations. Motherhood is the primary way females are allowed to feel like someone important. In some cultures, like Nazi Germany, mothers are or were given medals by their governments when they produce a large number of children. In others, they’re given honorific titles as part of their names. In the US, a fundamentalist Euro-descent couple is repeatedly put on the cover of national magazines as they have yet another baby. At last count, they’d reached twenty. It’s obscene.

We know Lesbians who say their lives dramatically changed when they became mothers. As Cheryl Jones wrote about being pregnant:

“Strangers on the street talked to me for the first time in years. They were friendly … the difference was that because I’m a lesbian, no one had talked to me on the street for years!  What a strange experience to go from being ‘persona non grata’ to womanhood’s prime exemplar!”7

Those who have sons, especially, are treated with a deference they’d never experienced before, by men, het women, and Lesbians. They finally felt accepted by their families. Even those who identified openly as Lesbians said their neighbors became warmer and more welcoming. The ways they were treated by strangers were also dramatically different when they had children with them.

An acquaintance who became lovers with the mother of a five-year-old boy told us they took him apartment-hunting because landlords were so much more friendly when they presented themselves as mother, son, and friend. Whenever they went without him, they were treated with wariness and hostility.

We knew two Lesbians in a couple, a mother and a non-mother, who were treated very differently by the same food stamp worker, although they were equally qualified for assistance, came from similar backgrounds, and weren’t very different in appearance and behavior. The mother, who brought her daughter to the interview, was treated in a friendly way and assured that she would receive her food stamps as quickly as possible. The non-mother was treated harshly and got her food stamps only after obstacles and delays.

Non-mother Lesbians who are with children are usually assumed to be mothers and also get preferential treatment. Whenever one of us accompanied friends’ young daughters in public, we were astounded at how much better we were treated than when alone or with adult Lesbians. Women smiled benignly and acted comfortable with us, instead of being hostile. It made going out in public immeasurably easier. Even the most obvious-looking Lesbian becomes more acceptable if she’s with a child. As one Lesbian we know said, ”When I walk down the street with a friend’s baby, I’m no longer the fat Butchy Dyke I’ve been all my life.”

A Radical Feminist in one of our online groups wrote:

Mothers are privileged and I am forever frustrated at how other women who aren’t feminists are sucked into wishing for motherhood to obtain that privilege and attention. Last night, there was a whole group of what appeared to be coworkers at a restaurant I was at. They were celebrating a baby shower and everyone was excited and praising this woman for her pregnancy. Even the males present were excited and lavishing attention on her. There were children attending also and all I could think about was how every little girl at that table was seeing the admiration and attention that the pregnant woman was receiving, and how even the strangers at another table offered congratulations to her. It was one of those moments where discussions on this thread were playing themselves out right in front of me. This was all brought to a head by another female friend at the table looking adoringly at her boyfriend/husband and saying “I can’t wait to be able to be a mother.” It was horrifying, like some kind of love fest for this pregnant woman. It’s no wonder that women think they want to have kids. Look at the importance placed on it! It was ridiculous!

Mothers in public places frequently demand attention from everyone around them. It’s not unusual to see a mother in a store talking very loudly to her child while she looks around expectantly for compliments. Mothers of boys are more likely to act this way, but mothers of daughters sometimes do too. It’s a way of showing off to the world that they’re mothers. They take up a great deal of physical and psychic space with their demands for attention, expecting everyone, particularly other females, to pay homage to them. One example: In a doctor’s office, there was a mother with a young boy who was running around the waiting room, yelling. His mother commented loudly on his every move, announcing that he was going to be a doctor because he picked up a toy stethoscope. She could care less that people in a doctors’ office might be sick or in pain and needing quiet.

Another example: We were in a park, sitting by a pond with fish, celebrating one of our birthdays. Other women were drawing and talking quietly in this peaceful space, with plenty of room for everyone. Then a class-privileged-looking mother of a very young boy came up and sat so close that she touched one of us, even though there were other empty seats near the pond. She held her son out in front of her, literally pushing him in our faces, saying loudly, “Look at the fish, dear!” The boy looked completely bored. She repeatedly told him to notice the fish, while looking expectantly at us. We ignored her, which wasn’t easy, considering the noise she was making and the fact that she was brushing against one of us. Then she asked if she was bothering us. When we said yes, we’d rather not be shoved, she began yelling at us. We reminded her, quietly and politely, that she had asked us and we were only responding. She continued yelling, so we told her that we just wanted to be left in the peace that was there before she came. She walked away, screaming, “You must be Lesbians! You must be Lesbian Separatists! Well, I fuck men!” (The other women at the pond looked at her like she was crazy.) We’d said nothing to her about men, boys, het women, heterosexuality, or being Lesbians. We simply had refused to smile at her and her boy.

                                 “Don’t You Dare Talk Back!”

The pain a mother suffers is considered more important and serious than any other female pain. A ludicrous example is when a Lesbian we knew said that she was in emotional agony because “A mother’s pain is the greatest pain. No one else feels as much as a mother.” She wasn’t even a mother, but imagined she was because she had been trying to adopt a girl. Even after being denied the adoption, she was already identifying with the mother role and being oppressive to non-mothers. Mothers are also considered more important, as shown throughout the media, when it’s mentioned that a mother has been injured. Clearly the constant message is that non-mothers being hurt or killed matter less.

The main reason Lesbians believe mothers are more oppressed than non-mothers is because mothers use their privilege to demand special treatment. Their demands have quite an impact when they’re delivered in the authoritarian, shocked tones that mothers use for “naughty” children. It is, after all, the mother’s role to be obeyed without question. They use the same controlling behavior towards non-mothers as they use on their daughters. As the old saying goes, “God created mothers because he couldn’t be everywhere at once.” Lesbians who challenge mothers’ privilege are likely to be treated as if we were “disobeying” them, even when we’re a great deal older than the mothers. Mothers expect Lesbians, as well as their children, to treat them with the same reverence.

Few non-mothers have had the experience of talking to others in quite such condescending ways. As a US bumpersticker says, “I’m the Mom, that’s why!” Mothers have the authority that comes only from having total control and ownership of someone else, including literally having the power of life and death over their children. One mother we knew said she was exhilarated by the power she had over her daughter, joking that it would be easy to foul up her daughter’s life by teaching the wrong words for everything.

The powerlessness of young girls is one key to understanding the power of mothers. Motherhood also gives females power over males that non-mothers rarely have. A friend of ours said that raising sons made it possible for her to know about how to talk to adult male strangers as if they were little boys, and sometimes they would just respond without question as if they were obeying their mother. Knowing the power of mothers’ disapproval, the US Postal Service had an ad for “Mother’s Day” that said “It’s not too late to win Mother’s approval.”

It’s particularly unfair when mothers use the political language of oppression to manipulate non-mothers into treating them with deference. Caring, responsible Dykes often believe someone who claims to be oppressed, especially if they are accused of not understanding, because “you don’t know what it’s like to be a mother.” That is as outrageous as the class-privileged saying that poor and working class Dykes have no right to talk about class privilege because we’ve never experienced it. Some Lesbian mothers may be angry at the privilege they lost when they became Lesbians, and expect non-mothers to make up for it. But men are responsible for their Lesbian oppression, not Lesbians.

 Some Mothers Betray Their Daughters and Other Females for Males

Considering the amount of nuclear and other toxins, as well as imperialist racist oppression that European-descent christian men have spread across the earth, European-descent gentile females have a specific responsibility to not create more males. No matter how many horror stories that the mainstream media reports about the destruction of the earth, they rarely say to stop breeding. Even environmentalists keep churning out the babies. Most of the world’s forests are cut down, most water is contaminated, and entire species of animals destroyed forever. It’s happening now. How can anyone but the most selfish (unless they are from a people endangered by genocide), keep reproducing?

For those who say it’s natural to reproduce, disease and parasites are also “natural.” The crazed obsession that men and het women have with fucking and making horrible over-populated replicas of themselves is not natural, but is a sign of humans being way out of control in nature. Animals, including people, do not overpopulate unless the natural balance is very disturbed, and no one has disturbed nature more than men.  No other animal has created such an artificial environment all over the earth. Very little in hetero-patriarchy is natural. They even buy and cover themselves in stinking toxic chemicals because they believe it makes them more appealing.

Het women’s obsession with reproduction is so extreme that some women get pregnant even when they know for certain that their child will inherit an excruciating, fatal disease. That’s “love”?

Wanting the attention mothers get motivates women who clearly should not be having babies. One of us was put in touch with a “Radical Feminist” new in town, who turned out to be a pregnant homeless woman who refused to get an abortion because she compared it to killing people. This woman knew about overpopulation and so made up a story about being “Indigenous,” saying she was Irish-descent, but a little later admitted that she was genetically English. She wanted help to find a dry doorway in the rain to sleep and ended up going back to a railway car to join the homeless man who had gotten her pregnant. It never seemed to occur to her that any baby she had would be in danger and have a hellish life. It was all about her.

In order to keep their het and mother privilege, some het mothers selfishly collude in the rape of their daughters. There’s an excellent film about Canadian Shirley Turcotte’s journey to talk with her family about her father orally and vaginally raping her and her sister from the ages of five. Shirley’s sister said, “I was five when I first tasted his semen….dad went all the way with me when I was five. I remember that and mom came home and I was bleeding down there…. I keep wondering, well, why didn’t she take me to a doctor and get me checked up. Why?”  When she was in her teens, she became pregnant. “I tried to tell a priest that it was my dads’ baby…. The priest said, ‘No, no that’s not right. Don’t accuse your dad, you’re supposed to respect him: Honor thy father, honor thy mother.’” Shirley’s mother said about their father, “He could be very loving.” Shirley asked, “He was loving? When did he change?” Her mother answered, “ When you were babies. He didn’t like the crying.”8

Katinka, a Swedish Dyke Separatist said that in the Swedish Women’s Bulletin, a socialist-feminist mother said, “If we want men to share in taking care of girls, we can’t go around accusing them of incest.” She heard another mother say that her greatest fear about her daughter being raped is that it might cause her to become a Lesbian.

                             “Lesbians” Getting Pregnant???

How would you like to live in a world of 85% men?  (That’s what A.I. usually produces because the XX sperm are heavier, with more genetic material.)

Het baby booms often follow right wing reactionary trends. Political pressure is put on women to return to or stay in traditional male-defined feminine roles and accept male supremacy. “The lower the status of females in a culture, the higher the birthrate; the higher the status of females, the lower the birthrate.”Women who call themselves “Lesbians” started getting pregnant in the early Eighties.

Patriarchy and nationalism are intertwined, and motherhood is a key part of both. Right wing national trends were partly a reaction to the growing Lesbian and feminist movements, just as they were in 1930’s Nazi Germany. In an effort to destroy the growing German Feminist and Lesbian movements, the Nazis proclaimed women’s role to be “Kinder, Kirche, Küche” – “children, church and kitchen.” (US nationalism is epitomized by “mom, the flag, and apple pie.”) This pressure to reproduce was directed at so-called “Aryan” women, while Jewish, Roma/Gypsy, Slavic, and disabled females were killed or sterilized by the Nazis. In the US, females oppressed by racism and classism have been victims of enforced sterilization. Harry Laughlin, the “father” of US eugenics inspired the Nazis and they awarded him honorary degrees. (Bev: My poverty class aunt was sterilized against her will at sixteen by the US government, for being a “criminal.”)

As gentile Lesbians of primarily European descent, we recognize that Lesbians whose cultures have suffered genocide are under different pressures to get pregnant than more privileged Lesbians. But still, those who do choose pregnancy are oppressing all Lesbian non-mothers, particularly those who never got heterosexual privilege.

Like Lesbianism, resistance to motherhood exists in all cultures and is a powerful threat to patriarchy. This revolutionary resistance has been carried out in isolation and in small groups everywhere, in spite of punishment, including death. It’s sometimes been done with full awareness of its political female-loving significance, and sometimes out of intuitive self-love, in spite of feeling guilty for disobeying. In every case, it represents saying no to men and male rule. It is the stubborn survival of Lesbians’ love for ourselves and each other, against all odds.

This beautiful Lesbian determination deserves recognition, support, and respect from all Lesbians. Understanding the significance means understanding that Lesbian self-love and self-respect is the opposite of the male-defined femininity of wifehood and motherhood. The revolutionary quality of this resistance is often not noticed or appreciated because actions that do not benefit men and their het women agents are not honored. We need to recognize that men hate Lesbians not only because we say no to them and dare to love our own kind, but because we refuse to breed and make more men and more het women to produce men.

Many Lesbians had children when they were het, and some didn’t want to be mothers. Some women were raped and were not able to have abortions. A few women have given up their children. Some of the Lesbian mothers who gave up sons clearly did it to protect our Lesbian culture. (Ruston: I recall that almost every politically active Lesbian mother I met in Women’s Liberation and the Lesbian community in Aotearoa in the 1970’s had left her children, particularly sons.) In patriarchy, where women are considered to be of little value except as wives and mothers, this is a courageous act. Some Lesbians who gave up their children have been abused by both the het world and het-identified Lesbians. There are also Lesbian mothers who haven’t tried to bully non-mothers into taking care of their children and have done their best to reject mother privilege.

Many Lesbians’ reasons for getting pregnant mirror het women’s — it’s trendy and “everyone is doing it” – which are the same reasons for going het and marrying men. It’s a selfish, personal attempt to feel less powerless, as opposed to a political solution that might actually give us real power in our lives. Men are destroying the earth, raping and killing girls and women, while het women continue fucking and making more men. Then “Lesbians” in Lesbian communities started following. Very soon, the Lesbian media was making “Lesbian” pregnancy look fun and attractive. A Lesbian cartoonist even showed a “Lesbian” couple’s baby boy pissing on Lesbians as cute. (This same lauded cartoonist who was printed in many publications and published cartoon books over years, also drew semen dripping from a condom, but never once drew a Butch.)

Some of the Lesbian pro-pregnancy propaganda portray it as if it’s courageous, creative and revolutionary, but, like het motherhood, it’s the same boring, confining, reactionary, traditional, and right wing role for women, like all aspects of heterosexuality.

Motherhood has never caused great change and instead keeps women “in their place.” Yet non-mothers are pressured to feel guilty by their families and patriarchy. When Ellen DeGeneres first came out, she was asked if she was going to have babies and she said, “No, I’m too selfish.” What on earth is selfless about reproducing?  It’s the ultimate patriarchal mind-fuck. One Lesbian we know said apologetically that her reasons for not getting pregnant were “just personal, not political” since she hadn’t realized her own courage and the political nature of her resistance. Even popular het women stars are pressured relentlessly in the media to reproduce.

And then there is breeding as proof of a happy relationship, just like with het women. We heard a Lesbian actually say about her ex-lover, “I loved her so much and was so committed to her that we were going to have children, though I hate children.”

Lesbians aren’t voluntarily sexual in any way with men. The acts of welcoming semen into one’s body, being pregnant, giving birth, and breastfeeding are specifically heterosexual acts. Women who choose pregnancy are simply not Lesbians. They may yet become Lesbians or they may have been Lesbians in the past, but they’re not Lesbians while participating in the most heterosexual of acts. If they’re being sexual with Lesbians, then they’re bisexual. This isn’t a question of semantics, but of Lesbian survival.

Women who inject semen into themselves are subjecting their Lesbian lovers to the same dangers that other bisexuals subject Lesbians to, such as STDs, including AIDS.10 Lesbians are the least likely people to get AIDS from sexual contact, but “artificial insemination” does cause a risk and some “Lesbians” have been infected. Because many of these women used semen from Gay men, they’re likely to have a higher than usual rate of AIDS. The Lyme disease spirochete, Borrelia Burgdorferi, has also been found in semen, and most Lyme is not diagnosed and is almost impossible to cure, so that means many men are carrying it. Semen itself is an immune depressant. Female bodies react to sperm as an invasion of foreign cells and send antibodies to kill them.11 There are other dangers as well. Sperm donors, including Gay men, have sued for “paternal rights” when they’ve found out that their sperm has impregnated women. Some have even become physically threatening out of possessive jealousy for “their” children. In most men’s minds, the bearer of “his” child is “his” woman.

Over 85% of A.I. babies are male.12 Women who become pregnant with male fetuses are doubly heterosexual. They live for nine months in more intimate contact with a male than het women experience when being fucked. They share blood, and the baby’s male hormones flow through the mother’s blood, affecting her mind and body. There is no act more heterosexual than creating men.13

Some mothers speak openly about their heterosexual bonds with their sons.  As one mother said, in a U.S. survey of how women feel about motherhood, “There is a romance between mother and son that doesn’t exist between mother and daughter. You can love your daughter, but you both love and are in love with your son.”14 In an interview, another mother said of her new son, “I don’t feel like I’m all alone any more. I have a significant other in my life.” Yet another mother said, “A mother wants a son to grow up early in life and be her advisor, escort, and extension of the men in her life. She wants her daughter to always be her little girl, not quite mature enough to make it without Mama’s help.”15

Some Lesbian mothers are also open about their het attitudes. In a poem to her son, one Lesbian mother said, “I see I am in love with you.”16 Another said to a Lesbian she considered hiring, “I want whoever does childcare for my boy to fall in love with him.” One “Lesbian” mother wrote about her sperm donor, “It took me six months to get pregnant. During that time Joe kept track of my cycle, would check to see if I got my period, and would write down in his calendar the days he was coming over to visit and jerk off. We had a corner for his favorite sex magazines. He used my pyrex cup as a receiving vessel. Even now I feel good every time I cook.”17 In an interview on a television news program, another said, “I looked for the right father for my child …. It was like falling in love with him … in a sense it was.” The “Lesbian” mother and sperm donor cuddled together for the television camera.18 Many pseudo-Lesbian mothers have surrogate fathers for their children. Patriarchy is father-rule, but you can’t have fathers or patriarchy without mothers.

Many Lesbians want to believe that women who choose to get pregnant are Lesbians if they say they are. (Many also desperately want to believe the bisexual and het women they love are Lesbians, but that doesn’t make it true.) Thousands of women are choosing to get pregnant, assuming that Lesbians will take care of them and their (majority) sons. As long as we accept these women as Lesbians, we’ll feel a responsibility towards them. Lesbians give them abundant physical and emotional care because they perceive them to be Lesbian mothers.

The role of mother is a heterosexual one. It takes tremendous work and commitment for a mother who becomes a Lesbian to stop identifying as a mother first and acting in a mother role. Even if she does stop, the privilege remains, although Lesbians can choose to not act out of that power and can try to have equal relationships with other Lesbians. For a Lesbian to choose to become a biological mother is to wholeheartedly embrace what motherhood means in patriarchy. Besides the pregnancy itself, the mother is now committed to devoting a major part of her life to nurturing and loving, in most cases, a male or future het woman. Her primary identity becomes that of Mother, as many have proudly said.

The het world has always exerted tremendous pressure on Dykes to become het, to accept fucking, femininity, pregnancy, and motherhood. Of course, hets want us to stop being Lesbians, to stop being a threat to patriarchy. Now het pressure is being exerted from within Lesbian communities as well as from outside. But Lesbians don’t choose to get pregnant any more than we choose to be fucked by men. Calling these women “Lesbians” contributes to defining Lesbians out of existence. Hets would love to believe that all Lesbians are really bisexuals or potential hets, and that Lesbians really need men to fuck them or at least provide sperm to make the babies that all females are supposed to want. That would prove that heterosexuality (submission to men) is the natural state of females. The “Lesbian” baby boom became widely known in the het world, as the headline “Lots of Lesbians Having Babies” announced in a San Francisco newspaper. The article even referred to the fact that some “Lesbians” get pregnant through fucking, not just A.I.19

How many thousands of Dykes feel betrayed by this het activity masquerading as Lesbianism? How many Dykes are finding themselves the only one in their community who objects to friends or lovers becoming pregnant and/or fucking with men, and are made to feel like perverted freaks as a result?

If patriarchy can’t kill us, get us to kill ourselves, lock us up, persuade us to hide who we are, or get us to become het or bisexual, then they try to define us out of existence. If anyone can call herself (or himself) a Lesbian, and if “Lesbians” fuck, have babies, and create and raise men, then what about those of us who are still real Dykes who love each other, love ourselves, and don’t want semen anywhere near us?

We’re saying that true Dykes are not disappearing, and we refuse to be divided and isolated from each other. No matter how men and their women collaborators try to dilute our Lesbian identities and politics, some of us remain Dykes and are working toward truly Dyke-identified communities.

It can be very hard for Lesbians who are alone in being against the “Lesbian” fad of getting pregnant. Often the mothers-to-be and new mothers are surrounded by Lesbians who dote on them, satisfying their every whim. Anyone who dares to question the situation is likely to be insulted and ostracized. We want Dykes in that situation to know that they have support. The following list has been helpful for those who are dealing with a lover or friend who wants to get pregnant.

                         Are You Considering Having a Baby?

Well, your decision affects all of us, and there are some things we’d like to say about it.

Becoming a Mother Does NOT Mean …

  1. … that you are a loving, unselfish individual.
  2. … that you are politically courageous.
  3. … that you will become more oppressed than Lesbian non-mothers.
  4. … that if you have a daughter she will become a Lesbian.
  5. … that if you have a son he will be the exceptional non-sexist male (the messianic mother complex).
  6. … that you aren’t bringing another rapist into the world.
  7. … that you’ll be able to relive your life through your children.
  8. … that you have a right to expect or demand that Lesbians take care of you and your children.
  9. … that you have a right to inflict another male on our Lesbian communities.
    10  … that you have a right to inflict another male on our world.

 But Becoming a Mother DOES Mean …

  1. … that you are treated with more respect and privilege in the world.
  2. … that you are treated with more respect and privilege among Lesbians.
  3. … that this increased privilege is at the expense of Lesbian non-mothers.
  4. … that your privilege is greater if you have a son.
  5. … that you’re fulfilling the male-defined role of femininity and Motherhood.
  6. … that you’re doing what you’ve been ordered to do since you were born. … that you’re participating in a reactionary choice to join the het baby boom which is part of a right-wing backlash against Lesbians.
  7. … that you’re sentencing yourself to at least an 18-year commitment.
  8. … that you have less time and energy to take care of yourself and other Lesbians.
  9. … that you have a primary commitment to your children that will take precedence over close Lesbian friends or lovers
  10. … that you’re contributing to more hardship in all of our lives because your babies will be our future competition for housing, jobs, resources, and possibly food and water.
  11. … that you will replay some of the same destructive roles you experienced with your family.
  12. … that you’ll be caught up in the circular trap of dependent and caretaker
  13. … that it’s likely your children will later hate you because they didn’t grow up with all the privileges of a normal nuclear family.
  14. … that they’re likely to hate you just because of the power you have over them as a mother, whether you wanted that power or not.
  15. … that you will be vulnerable to being institutionalized by them when they grow up.
  16. … that you’re most likely creating more heterosexuals.
  17. … that you’re burdening an already overpopulated world.
  18. that no matter what you do, if you have a boy, he will likely terrorize and assault girls and, later, adult women and Lesbians, and likely will be a rapist.
  19. … that if you have a son and a daughter, it will not be unusual for your son to sexually assault your daughter.
  20. … that it won’t be a rare if you are assaulted by your son when he gets old enough.
  21. … that you’re no longer a Lesbian because playing with semen, being pregnant, and giving birth are heterosexual acts.
  22. … that you risk getting AIDS and other STDs and passing them on to Lesbians.
  23. .… that you’re weakening and permanently altering your body, and shortening your life span, making it more possible to bleed to death, develop high blood pressure, have a stroke or heart attack, or develop diabetes, kidney disease, or cancer.20 (The dangers of pregnancy and childbirth are a well-kept secret.)

                                      Boys Oppress All Females

Het mothers are notorious for worshipping their sons. “I was in awe that I could produce a male human.” When I look at my daughter, I see myself. When I look at my son, I see my son.” I think I will be more a friend to my daughter and be respectful to my son.” “It’s a new world seen through your son’s eyes, and for some reason we let them get by with doing things that we’d never let a girl do.”21

In an anthology, one mother whose adult son was living with her described picking up his shit-filled underwear and smelling it, saying how in love with him she is. With this level of adoration, if such a son raped her daughter or other girls or women, who would she protect?

Considering the amount of energy already poured into men and boys in this male-run world, why would any Lesbian want to give them more, let alone make more of them? The sons of mothers that already exist are enough of a threat to all girls and women.

Boys are voyeuristic and prurient towards girls and women from an early age. Too many mothers make their sons’ right to run around naked take precedence over girls’ and women’s rights to not have to see them, like when mothers bring sons into changing rooms where girls and women are subjected to seeing their erections. Like when adult men are naked, this is a threat of rape. Some mothers even allow their sons to masturbate in front of Lesbians.

Lesbians are sometimes concerned about the power they have as adults over boys, forgetting that boys have power given to them by adult males. In some countries, boys have power over all females, including their mothers. Many Lesbians have internalized the het women’s role to protect all males, even at other females’ and their own expense. When Lesbians have to defend ourselves from attacks by boys, we are vulnerable to reprisals from authorities as well as from Lesbians. Thinking of boys as kids or children denies the fact that boys have the power to threaten girls and anyone else they can physically intimidate. Boys also often have less concern about the consequences of their violence than men do, since they are almost impossible to prosecute for raping, torturing, or even killing, and they know it. They have the law and their families, including their mothers, to protect them.

When feminists proudly proclaim that anyone who bothers their “kids” will have to deal with them, do they include girls or women defending themselves?  One feminist proclaimed on her facebook masthead that “there is no greater warrior than a mother protecting her child” and elsewhere on her page wrote, “You mess with my kids and you mess with their crazy ass Mom…. be warned.”

Teenaged boys are more violent than any other age group of males, and boys in gangs are even more sadistic, which is why some dictatorships prefer having boys as young as twelve recruited into their armies.

Lesbians’ sons have attacked and raped girls, including their sisters and other Lesbians’ daughters. Many adult, able-bodied women aren’t concerned about boys’ attacks on girls because they smugly assume they themselves are safe, but females of all ages have been attacked and killed by boys. Girls and disabled women are more vulnerable to injury, but all females are targeted by males. And being able-bodied is a temporary condition. Sons also assault their mothers and it’s not rare for a boy to rape, beat, or kill his mother or other older female relatives. Some boys kill their entire families. Boys are increasingly becoming mass murderers.

Why do so few Lesbians remember their fear and hatred of boys who attacked and sexually harassed them when they were girls?

It’s dangerous to believe you can raise gentle, non-dangerous males. Socialization is not the problem since male violence extends across species. From an early age, boys exhibit a sadism, cruelty, and violence that is extremely different from girls’ behavior. (Girls who do attack others are often joining with boys.) Some boys may be considered well-behaved if compared to more violent boys, but even the gentlest boys show a viciousness when compared to girls. We always say, you never know what males are doing when alone with babies or animals. Yet this violence is considered the norm: “Boys will be boys.” Contrary to myth, serial rapists and killers are not “sick.” They measure on psychological testing as normal males. And girls and women are most likely to be attacked by males that they are close to, including relatives. Woman who think they can control the danger of their boys and men are deluding themselves, and the rest of us pay the cost.

It’s not mothers’ fault that their sons are rapists and murderers. But it is their responsibility to be aware that they might be. All mothers think that their sons will be the exceptional males, but Lesbians’ sons have inside information about our culture and communities, and no matter how catered to and shown that they matter more than any girl, woman, or Lesbian — because of that worshipping — many boys will be resentful that they didn’t get even more privilege or grow up in a “normal” het nuclear family. Some of them, like pornographer Tobi Hill-Meyer, was even brought to the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival as a boy. Now, he damages our community by claiming to be a Lesbian and Butch (though he’s typically male-identified feminine), getting into power positions as so many men who claim they are Lesbians do, such as being on the board of Butch Voices, controlling and censoring our community. And this man who is actually accepted as a Lesbian, has posted photos and videos of his erect prick online.

Every boy and man who has beaten, raped, and killed a girl or woman has had at least one woman (if not many) in his life who loved, protected, and nurtured him, and who tried her best to keep him from being a brutal, dangerous attacker. It isn’t these women’s fault if the boys they loved are rapists and killers, but they do share responsibility if they continue supporting them. Choosing to nurture our attackers means becoming their collaborators. The mother who insists her son is an exception is inflicting her self-righteousness on every female he will attack in his life. She has no right to bring another oppressor into our world, and even less right to bring him into a Lesbian community and demand that we be forced to be around him or look after him.

Even Lesbian Feminists delude themselves. Some years ago, we went to a Lesbian Feminist event in another city that included a short film by a Lesbian that was supposed to be cute, but which was actually showing one Lesbian’s son assaulting another Lesbian’s daughter. They looked to be about eight years old. The girl was dressed only in a full body leotard, while the boy had on trousers, jacket, and cap. When the girl tried to talk, the boy put his hand over the girl’s mouth, punched her, and shoved her out of the view of the camera, which kept its focus on him. He picked up the girl, and when she yelled to be put down, he dropped her. He told her to climb on his back, and then he threw her down on her head. While still lying on the ground, he shoved his face into her crotch and wouldn’t stop, even though she kept yelling “Stop it!”  That was the end of the film. The girl looked increasingly embarrassed and humiliated in the film. It was excruciating to watch, but the audience of about a hundred Lesbians applauded and had laughed throughout, even though what they were lauding was obviously a sexual assault. We were horrified. If this is what a Lesbian’s son does in front of a camera, what does he do with no witnesses? Would the audience have been applauding if the film showed two adults instead?  Clearly, this was a boy much loved and accepted in that community, and would be able to get away with almost anything. Why did the girl not matter at all?

When we talked with Lesbians afterward, they were patronizing: “It’s just kids playing.” “That’s how they learn their roles.” (!!!) “It’s a heterosexual phase all kids go though.” (The “heterosexual phase” didn’t include the girl who did not agree to any of it. And those of us who didn’t like boys sexually assaulting us when we were girls must then be freaks or don’t exist.) We were told we were over-reacting and asked if we’d ever “worked with kids.” So we had to be experts to earn the right to object to girls being assaulted? The fact that we have clear memories of being attacked and injured by boys when we were little didn’t count. We even asked, “But don’t you remember what it was like for you as a girl?” and one of the Lesbians said she’d “learned to roll with the punches” from her bother and that it was “fun.”

The girl was objectified as not possibly feeling the way a woman would in the situation. Calling both the girl and boy “kids” removed the girl from recognition or sympathy she would have gotten as a woman. The boy was also identified as being different from adult men and therefore less dangerous and oppressive, though boys his age do rape and kill. Many of those Lesbians had to have been sexually assaulted as girls, yet they identified with the boy, betraying themselves, the girl, and all of us who are female.

What we learned is that Lesbians who love and protect boys can’t be trusted to care about how dangerous those boys are. Their loyalty is to boys first, just as most het women’s loyalty is. We’ve seen too many instances of Lesbians’ daughters and girls treated with harshness and contempt, while sons are fussed over with a respect that borders on reverence.

Het women are even more likely to delude themselves about their “wonderful” boys. It’s become trendy among the most class-privileged young Euro-descent women to convince everyone how sensitive and gentle their sons are. We met a woman like this who had a five year old boy. As she told us how he loved plants, the little prick was systematically beating her flowers with a stick, shredding the plants to death. She said tenderly, “No don’t do that, dear. You know you love flowers.” He continued killing the plants.

This “progressive” kind of motherly discipline of the past thirty years has produced an even more dangerous male. The mother gives her son the sense that the world revolves around him, and that he is allowed to do whatever he wants. She’s certainly never said no to mother’s little darling or let him know what pain feels like when she’s found him torturing, raping, and killing animals or beating and sexually assaulting girls.

How many girls will be beaten and raped, and adult Lesbians oppressed, before all Lesbians realize that boys raised by Lesbians are no less a threat than other boys?

Boys who rape their sisters and other girls are usually still accepted and loved. If there’s blame, it’s usually put on the girls, no matter her age, who’s accused of “asking for it” – even if she’s too young to walk or talk.

Because girls are growing up in Lesbian communities of 85% boys, the rate of rape and violence to girls has to be much higher. How can Lesbians as individuals and communities tolerate this.

Motherhood Oppresses Girls, but Heterosexual Girls Oppress Lesbians                  

A Lesbian baiting us about being against “Lesbian” pregnancy asked, “Well, where do you think little Lesbians come from?”  The reality is that most Lesbians come from the same place that we always came from: het nuclear families. Whether we are Lesbians or not is simply a choice. Some Lesbians talk about making little Amazons of the future, but no one can make a girl a Lesbian. It’s what we believe all girls would naturally choose if it wasn’t for the rewards or punishments given in patriarchy, but legally owning someone can’t force that decision.

Most daughters of Lesbians choose to be het for the privilege.

Patriarchy puts unrelenting pressure on girls to fit in and be “normal.” It can be horrible to devote twenty years of your life to a girl and then she decides to be fucked by men and be Lesbian-hating. The rewards for selling out are similar to why many Lesbians return to men. Most of the daughters of Lesbians we’ve known chose men. One of these girls would hang around with her men in public places and taunt Lesbians by name (patronizingly patting them on the head), who she knew from growing up in a Lesbian community, to humiliate them for the benefit of her men. The Lesbians who loved and raised this girl went through hell and risked imprisonment to get her away from her abusive father and to give her the best life possible.

We have a friend who almost lost her teaching job because a Lesbian-hating girl circulated a petition saying that our friend had sexually harassed her female students. The girl first got other girls to sign a completely different petition and then attached their names to her lie. When confronted, she admitted it was a lie and said she’d done it so our friend would lose her job. Het girls can be cruel and oppressive to Dykes of all ages, but Dyke girls are even more vulnerable to their Dyke-hating.

If Lesbians are really concerned about girls, why not try to help girls who are already Lesbians who are living on the streets or in shelters?  Many have been disowned by their families or run away from abusive families.

                   Fighting Mother Privilege is Dyke-Loving

If motherhood improved the world, the world would be in a much better state since it’s filled with mothers. Having a baby won’t enable you to relive your life and it won’t cause you to be a better person. It will likely do the opposite since it will give you the power to raise another person as property, to hit and punish and humiliate. And that kind of power corrupts. It’s bad enough that we are all taught to accept inequality and injustice as normal, because of the hierarchical families and cultures we grown up in. It’s hard enough to fight inequalities among Lesbians without choosing such an extremely unequal role. One mother said, ”I used to think a lot about how I would glow when I was pregnant, about how important I would feel to produce a baby that came from my own body. I imagined I would feel like a Madonna, holding a complacent infant in my arms. I loved the idea of having a baby completely dependent on me. That babies grow up never crossed my mind.”

The patriarchal system of family ownership can also be dangerous to mothers. Lesbians are already vulnerable to being institutionalized by Lesbian-hating family, but Lesbian mothers are also vulnerable to being declared incompetent and locked up by adult children and even grandchildren. Mothers legally have power over minors, but as they age, the power shifts to their adult children.

Many Lesbians who support het values do so out of passivity. Since mothers believe we owe them care, attention, money, energy, sympathy, admiration, respect, and even obedience, and then feel justified in demanding that and more. If we don’t refuse those het values, we’re likely to respond out of guilt for not being mothers ourselves, and perhaps with eagerness to prove we’re not too unnatural to have “motherly instincts.” By contrast, Dykes with little or no past het privilege are taught to expect abuse rather than respect. So it’s harder for us to expect help, much less demand it when we really need it, and other Lesbians are less inclined to organize help if we do ask.

We should never be accused of being woman-hating if we refuse to be mothers or refuse to help mothers. Motherhood bleeds our communities dry. Lesbians who choose not to be mothers should never have to pay economically, politically, or emotionally for other women’s choice to reproduce.


We highly recommend IceMountainFire’s blog and post on motherhood:

  1. Amazones d’Hier, Lesbiennes d”Aujourd’hui (Amazons Yesterday, Lesbians Today) a wonderful Lesbian-only journal from Montréal, Québec, Canada, devoted an entire issue to the politics of motherhood (#20, “Motherhood Reviews and Rejected,” edited by Francine Mayer, June, 1988.) Dykes from several countries were printed and we especially recommend the articles by Katinka from Sweden, Marian Lens from Belgium, Hilary and Ruston from Aotearoa, and Francine from Quebec. This chapter is a revised version of an article that we (Linda and Bev) had printed in that issue, called, “Lesbians Choosing Pregnancy?” We greatly appreciate the courage of the AHLA Lesbians in printing these articles. Hilary’s and Ruston’s article was first printed in Circle, a Lesbian Feminist journal for women only, in Whanganui-a-Tara, 1983. As far as we know, these were the first articles that refuted Lesbian mothers’ claim of being oppressed by non-mother Dykes.2. Lewis Genebie and Eva Margolis, The Motherhood Report: How Women Feel About Being Mothers (New York, Macmillan Publishing Co., 1987). P. 422.
    3. San Francisco Chronicle, 16 Feb 1988.4. The Motherhood Report, p.102.

    5. Savvy, Feb 1988, p. 99.

    6. “Miscarriages,” Newsweek, 15 Aug, 1988, p. 49.

    7. Cheryl Jones, Motherlines,” Coming Up, Sept 1986.

    8. To a Safer Place, Frontline #609, originally broadcast on PBS television stations Sept 12, 1988. WGBH Transcripts,125 Western Ave., Boston, MA 12134.

    9. From an interview with Isaac Asimov on Bill Moyers’ “World of Ideas,” KTEH-TV, San Jose, California, 18 Oct. 1988.

    10. From Hag Rag, Vol. 3, #3, Nov-Dec 9988, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. “In a survey of 388 doctors who do four or more artificial inseminations per year, The Congressional Office of Technology Assessment found that only 44 percent of the doctors checked semen specimens for HIV, 28% checked for syphilis, 27% for gonorrhea, 26% for hepatitis, and 6% for herpes.”

    11. Jacqueline Steincamp, Overload: Beating M.E. (Whatamongo Bay, Queen Charlotte Sound, New Zealand, Cape Catley Ltd, 1988, 154. “Semen itself is an immune suppressant and every new…encounter leads to an exchange of foreign antigens and possibly damaged immune complexes.

    12. Julia Penelope, “The Mystery of Lesbians II,” Gossip #2, p. 35.

    13. As Susan Cavin said in Lesbian Origins, Ism Press Inc. 54: “I suggest that the first enduring heterosexual relation is the mother-son relation.”

    14. As Cheryl Jones said about being pregnant, “I felt the same as other women in a way I hadn’t since coming out at 17. I knew more about what the majority of women in the world were doing.” Motherlines, “Coming Up,” Sept. 1986.

    15. The Motherhood Report, 288.

    16. Sue Silvermarie, “Seven Years Satisfied,” We Are Everywhere, Writings By and About Lesbian Parents, edited by Harriet Alpert, (Freedom, California: The Crossing Press, 1988), p.103.

    17. Lee Swislow, “J.J.”, Ibid, 198.

    18. NBC-TV new, 9 March 1987.

    19.  San Francisco Chronicle, 30 Jan.1989, A9.

    20. V. Beral, “Longterm Effects of Childbearing on Health,” Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health. Vol.39, 1985, 343.

    21. The Motherhood Report, 300.



Posted in Additional Radical Lesbian Feminist writings | Tagged , , , , , | 46 Comments


                                               Chapter Eight


                                                       Bev Jo

                                                 Linda Strega


(I have updated this chapter, first published in our book, Dykes-Loving-Dykes, in 1990. The statistics are from before that time, but the content is as relevant as ever. Because our book was originally for Lesbians only, the focus is on Lesbians, but family is destructive to all females).

Love and loyalty given to family is misplaced, and it weakens our bonds with each other. If our family has been abusive to us and we are still accepting that abuse as the price for contact, inevitably that hurt will be transferred to those we love. Some Lesbians will take out their pain on those Lesbians who are committed to loving them, while others end up damaged and with less love to share.

Family is the basis of patriarchy, where we are taught our first lessons in male domination over females.

Many Radical Lesbian Feminists who otherwise have very clear boundaries around people who hate and oppress us, seem to lose their perspective and politics when it comes to their abusive families. Instead, they allow people who would never otherwise choose to have in their lives or be friends with to have intimate access to themselves and often to their lovers. Even when male family has sexually harassed and assaulted them or female family who they love, too often feminists maintain contact, and sometimes give more commitment than they have even to their most trusted friends. Why?

There are many reasons that women betray themselves by loyalty to abusive family members (besides money and status for the most privileged.) There is the myth of family being more important than anyone else, in spite of the many and perhaps majority of males in families sexually assaulting female family (and all females who have families have been sexually harassed by male family.) There is the intensely propagandized idea of blood being thicker than water, and that only family really loves and cares for you, in spite of all evidence to the contrary. Females are taught to betray themselves and all others on behalf of family, no matter how much they have been abused by them.  Even when immediate family is not as abusive, the structure itself is, and is the basis of patriarchy. Many Lesbians who have never felt truly loved by their families, are longing and hoping for their families to finally love and accept them.

This is a damaging trap. The myth of family is harmful and even lethal for females. Even loving female family can mean being locked into relationships with abusive male family. Yet so few women knowing this will say no to family.

Even Dyke Separatists can share one link with male cultures all over the world by being friendly with male and het relatives, and many Separatists do so. Every nation, culture, political ideology, and people we know of in the world reveres the Family. It’s the tie that binds all mankind together. Those who reject Family are outcasts everywhere. The fact that it’s considered sacrilegious in patriarchal cultures to even consider criticizing Family tells us that it’s revolutionary to do so. Only institutions that are vital to patriarchy are protected by such strong sanctions.

Families Are the Cornerstone of Patriarchy

How can we trust, be close with, or even want to be around someone who wishes the death of who we are and would make us het if they had that power? If their acceptance of us consists of saying, “We love you no matter who you are or what you do, whether you’re a Lesbian or a murderer,” then that’s not acceptance. Do they still question “what caused you to be ‘that way'”? Do they still wonder if it was their “fault” — asking were they “too close” with us or too distant,” “too lenient” or too strict” with our not wanting to be feminine, did they “push us towards boys too much” or “not enough”? These Lesbian-hating attitudes aren’t good for us. And what do they feel about males they love who are attackers and rapists — did they care for and protect them? Do they still, as families most often do?

In most cultures, the father and mother legally own their children. The father and other male relatives often terrorize, beat, and rape the little girls in the family. Those who don’t physically assault “their” girls still abuse them emotionally and psychically, and profit from those males who do rape. Mothers and other female relatives too often contribute to this by choosing to not notice if their daughters and other little girls are assaulted and raped by male relatives. Many refuse to believe their daughters when they tell them. Many don’t want to know, even when the girl suddenly shows clear signs of being extremely upset, terrified, and injured. And many still don’t want to know after their daughters are grown. In every case we know of where an adult Lesbian has told her mother what her father and/or brother did to her, the mother defended her husband and/or son and was verbally abusive to her daughter.

There are mothers who do care and try to protect their daughters, but they are exceptionally rare. In the U.S., women who send daughters who’ve been raped underground to the safe shelter movement are treated as criminals and often imprisoned by the male court system. A woman who spent seven months in prison for hiding her daughter from her ex-husband said that women who do this spend more time in prison than men who have raped children.1 There’s a growing network of females who support these women and their daughters. But the vast majority of women who courageously protect their daughters were already divorced when they discovered that their daughters were being attacked by their fathers. We’ve never heard of a single case where a mother acted to protect her daughter when the attacker was her own son. Women divorce husbands, but rarely choose to separate from sons.

We Are Told the Lie of Family Love, But Most of Us Have Lived the                                          Reality of Family Rape

We’re constantly bombarded with images of happy families in magazines, books, films, plays, etc. We’re told our lives are pathetically meaningless if we’re not part of a family. But families exist in order for males to be served domestically, emotionally, and sexually, and to enforce heterosexuality. Many of the Lesbians who return to men seem to be hoping that finally their hateful families will love and accept them.

Family is a small replica of patriarchy. It’s the basic unit — the single brick that makes up the patriarchal building. Family is based on hierarchy and inequality. The word itself comes from the Latin “famulus,” meaning “servant.”2  Family demands obedience and loyalty to those at the top of the hierarchy first.  A typical nuclear family consists of the Patriarch, second-in­-command Mother, and the sub-hierarchy of the children, with sons given more power than daughters. The oldest children are delegated power to boss and bully the younger ones. There is often an extended family with extended hierarchies. Every family has the “good” person and “bad” person, the in-group and out-group, the favorite and the scapegoat. Those accepted as “good” family members feel superior to the family outcasts and rejects. We get much of our sense of regard or disregard for ourselves and others through our family positions.

Those who don’t grow up in families are made to feel that they don’t really belong in the world. The lie of the “happy family” is particularly cruel to Dykes who grew up in foster homes or institutions. They’re told they’re less “normal” because they’ll “never know what wonderful experiences they’ve missed.” Sometimes even Lesbians spread these lies because they themselves believe them. Not growing up in a nuclear family doesn’t mean escaping the horror that’s common in families, either. It usually means getting all the abuse with none of the social privilege. It also means being abused by a greater number of adults because you aren’t the legal possession of one or two. Those who were adopted, or are from “non-traditional” families having only one parent, unmarried parents, or an alcoholic or drug-addicted parent, are also made to feel inferior.

If we’re “maladjusted” by the standards of the dominant society we live in (all Lesbians and Gay men are considered maladjusted, for instance), then that’s blamed on our family. The big lie is that everyone comes from a happy, wholesome family -­- except for us. The truth is that there are no happy families. Emotional and physical abuse and rape are a normal, commonplace part of family life. Who could expect anything different from living with males? And how can being forced to live intimately with het couples –our parents — for years, make us happy or teach us who we are as females and as Dykes?  Even having only female family, if they’re het, means growing up with emotional and sometimes physical abuse.

Individuals and groups who don’t live as part of families are treated by most patriarchal societies as having far less value than family members. Very often, people who speak out against the increase of poverty in the U.S. say how especially terrible it is that families don’t have homes or enough food, implying that single people or groups of friends aren’t worth caring about. Meanwhile, for those who actively reject their family, abject poverty is portrayed in books and films as a rightful punishment.

From “Family-Size,” “Family Rate,” and “Family-Style,” to insurance benefits, legal rights and neighborhood socializing, family members are told all the time, everywhere, that they belong, while we’re told we don’t. Try counting all the times family is mentioned as propaganda in the media. Even a television show about a disaster has the authorities telling people, “Go home to your families!” Of course that is geared to make those without families feel inadequate and worthless. Lesbians are treated as outsiders when we have jobs with hets, because we don’t talk about husbands or boyfriends — but if we talk about our relatives, we’re suddenly treated with more warmth and acceptance. It makes us seem less alien and more “human.” (This has changed since some Lesbian couples have gotten married and so can refer to their “wives,” which is part of the attraction of marriage, besides the many civil rights not otherwise possible to obtain, such as for immigration.)

Famous Lesbians who come out are bombarded with questions about whether they will reproduce, ignoring that over-population is destroying the earth. (“Zero Population Growth” as an idea and politics has been censored from the US media.)  Having children makes otherwise despised Lesbians appear more “normal,” which is why so many who were closeted have reproduced. Meanwhile, the Lesbians who are choosing to reproduce with “artificial insemination” are making 85% males, a patriarchal dream come true and a nightmare for the 15% girls forced to be around them in shared daycare, etc.

Both the right wing and left wing revere family as the center of their political ideologies. Right wing fascists, euphemistically called “conservatives,” preach for a return to “family values,” while leftists demand that women make babies for the revolution and be part of the larger family of their society. Both oppress Dykes. (Socialism is more economically fair than capitalism, but it’s still patriarchal politics. Radical Feminism encompasses the best parts of socialism.) Family is essential for patriarchal cultures to exist. Dykes are a threat to family because we’re a threat to male rule.

                                          Family Is Dangerous

Family is deadly. Over half the females killed in California in 1987 were killed by a male in their family, and the typical U.S. mass murderer is a man killing his entire family.3 As we’ve said before, the vast majority of physical and sexual attacks in families are by males, particularly adults, against females of all ages. However, physical abuse of children, especially of girls, by their mothers and other older females, is common, and most mothers tolerate and even encourage physical abuse (“punishment”) of their children by their husbands. (We define physical punishment of girls as abuse, from slapping and spanking to the most severe neglect, beatings, and murder.)  A very small number of heterosexual mothers sexually assault their daughters. Of course, this rare situation is unfairly focused on by the male media, obscuring fathers’ massive sexual crime rate. Now, adding to the abusive mix, are an increasing number of fathers who are later in life insisting they are women and even Lesbians. This female-hating mind-fuck increases the suffering of girls and women in families.

Teenage runaways are less likely to be abused by strangers on the streets than by their families at home.Five children are killed in the U.S. each day by their parents.5  These are just the known, proven cases. Many more children go missing and are never found — occasionally it’s discovered that their parents beat them to death and then reported them missing. “Over 80% of the violence in our society [Aotearoa] is committed within the family.”6 “The family is the most dangerous place in the U.S. The most likely place to be murdered is in the family home.”7  Victims are usually the most vulnerable — babies and little girls who can’t escape, and old, ill women. It’s very probable that many old women who die while living with their families have been quietly killed to get rid of them, with the death attributed to natural causes. Even when there aren’t murders, torture, rape, and other abuse are commonplace in families. It’s chilling to think about what goes on day and night right next door in our own neighborhoods.

We’re not just talking about “exceptionally cruel and violent” families. We’re talking about all families as an institution. Family structure and function are intrinsically rotten. Sometimes privileged Lesbians use racism and classism against less privileged Dykes who talk about being raped and/or beaten by their families — implying that more oppressed families are “especially terrible,” in order to protect their own illusions. But violence and rape occur in families of all backgrounds.

                                    God Is the Biggest Daddy of All

Many Lesbians who usually feel quite sane suddenly feel crazy around their families. That’s because families are enough to drive you insane. Brainwashing and cult mind control techniques sound familially familiar:

1) Those in authority control your environment;
2) they manipulate your environment;
3) you’re pressured to feel guilty if you don’t adhere to the values of those in power;
4) your reality is denied if it’s in conflict with the dominant ideology;
5) what you observe greatly contradicts the “truths” you’re told;
6) the explainers of reality constantly contradict themselves;
7) that contradiction is declared to never happen;
8) questioning is silenced by meaningless contradictory platitudes and clichés;
9) obedience is required of all members or else emotional and physical punishment is given.

If these techniques sound similar to male religion, it’s no coincidence. Family is treated as a religion, and belonging to a religion means belonging to a very large family. Family and religion are intertwined as a cornerstone of patriarchy. When someone claims “God made families,” families become even more inevitable and beyond question.

Families are intensive training grounds in accepting injustice and abusive relationships as the norm. Schools do this too, but for less time and in less personal and intense ways. Family life is usually our first experience in humiliation, oppression, rape, pain, and violence. That intimate betrayal from our “loved ones” teaches us self-hatred. “If the very ones who say they love me treat me in these cruel ways, then I must deserve it.” A little girl usually has no one to explain the truth and help her protect herself.

Our ability to know what’s good for us is diminished by these girlhood experiences. Family accustoms us to a sado-masochistic type of inequality in intimate relationships because our first experiences of physical closeness and affection are bonded with humiliation and pain. We often share connections and nostalgia with family members based on shared pain, witnessed pain, and inflicted and received pain mixed with pleasure and “love.” It would be easier in some ways if the people who brutalize you would be consistent. It’s heart-wrenching and confusing when the hands that feed and wash you and sometimes caress you lovingly are the same hands that hit and sexually assault you. There’s comfort with familiarity and then there’s the horror of the familiarity that’s forced on you against your will.

As a girl, you learn to expect inconsistency — kindness/cruelty, love/hate, pleasure/pain, and become addicted to the cycle. You end up believing that you can have love and warmth only if you pay with pain and humiliation. You’re trained to confuse your family with your very self. “We’re in this together.” “I am them, they are me.” How do you escape them when you can’t escape from yourself? How dare you think otherwise? Your survival depends on them. And if you share particular experiences and oppressions with your family that others don’t share with you, then it’s even more difficult and painful to separate and protect yourself. You feel guilt about your parents’ hard lives, but they usually do not want to know how they make your Iife hard.

                                       Ownership Is Not Love      

Children are parents’ proof of normality. Parents are often smug about their reproductive ability and bask in the inflated importance of carrying on the human race and the family name, as if reproduction were some rare talent rather than a physiological function. Inevitably, if you write that patriarchy could end soon, and the earth and countless species would be saved if women just stopped reproducing, the response is usually a horrified “But the human race will die out!” – which is not likely at 8 billion and growing. Humans will die out if they don’t stop reproducing. The illogical terror that some women might actually say no is revealing.

Family is each man’s extension of himself and his marking of territory. Ever notice how much space (and noise is part of space) families take up in neighborhoods compared to households without children? Parents love to advertise that they’re parents.

Parents try to use their children to do what they themselves couldn’t or wouldn’t do. Then parents make their children feel guilty for “having done so much for them.” It’s not the child as an individual person who matters, because the child is treated as a thing, a possession. If you get out of line by trying to be your own person, parents remind you that they created you from their bodies. “You’d better be good and obey your parents.” they tell you, just as many say, “You should obey god because he made you.” Parents saying they “sacrificed themselves” and “worked their fingers to the bone” for their children is outrageous. It’s a major source of Lesbian guilt towards parents, particularly our mothers. People know that if they choose to fuck, they might reproduce and if they do, then the children need to be looked after and provided for. Parents have children for their own benefit, not for the children’s. A little girl shouldn’t be blamed for needing food, clothes, shelter, and schooling. Parents too often emotionally leech off their daughters, using girls’ energy and vitality at the same time as they’re crushing it.

Belonging to family gives the illusion of belonging with them, a very hard feeling for Dykes to let go of, because we don’t belong anywhere in patriarchy. Many Lesbians believe that belonging to family is actually a “real, deep connection” with their family instead of just being a possession. But all feelings that come out of such a forced relationship are unavoidably distorted and deceptive.

Many Lesbians who don’t usually voluntarily relate to men make exceptions for male family members. Dykes who would otherwise never dream of welcoming men or boys into their homes to visit or stay overnight will welcome men from their families or their lovers’ families. Separatists who refuse to relate personally to males or even to het women often make exceptions for their female family members. A courageous few choose to not relate to any males or het women.

Some Dykes keep limited contact with male relatives in order to have access to money and other privileges to share with our communities. As long as these Dykes are able to limit and control the contact, the relationships are more like those they have with male bosses and co-workers. They’re from necessity, and carry no illusions of love or friendship. We support Dykes to not relate to any males when they have the choice, except for those kinds of situations. We also support Dykes who’ve broken off contact with abusive het female family as well, and we encourage all Dykes to limit their contact with het female family and to keep asking themselves if they truly are happy with the amount and kind of contact they do have, and how much is based on guilt or fear. If that sounds extreme, it’s because we’re upset at the damage that family, including female family, has done and is still doing to Dykes we love.

When Lesbians try to reclaim any of the terms relating to family, we’re accepting connections that are based on dominance and submission, where we have power only at another’s expense. Family is always destructive to us because it’s based on objectification, hierarchy, and violence. Apart from anything else, any heterosexual environment is a bad place for Lesbians to be. We’re expected to love our families, not because of who they are, but what they are. It’s not supposed to matter when family members hate us, have been abusive to us, and, in the case of the males, raped us — we must love them because they’re family. Family is the first lesson we learn in how to treat each other as things rather than as individuals we personally care about. Family dynamics train us to want to possess each other as objects because family is based on ownership.

How many Lesbians are still being emotionally or even sexually harassed by the same men who physically and emotionally abused them when they were little girls? (Sexual “jokes” and comments that many fathers and other male relatives make to us as adults is sexual harassment.) How many Lesbians are being emotionally abused by their mothers and sisters because they refuse to relate to rapist male relatives their female relatives still love and protect?  If anyone else urged you to visit and talk or write to someone who had raped and/or beaten you, would you even consider it? You certainly wouldn’t call that kind of pressure “love.” Yet your mother or sisters may insist they “love” you even while they are disregarding your feelings and the harm that’s been done to you. It’s extremely damaging for a victim of rape or any assault to be pressured to be around her attackers, to be told by female family, “He’s your father!” (or brother, uncle, grandfather, cousin, etc.) –“he loves you,” ”why won’t you kiss him?” “why aren’t you being friendlier to him?” For a little girl, her family is often her entire world, the only people she knows, who she should be able to trust and who should love and protect her. It’s an extension of the rape when they betray her. If the courts insisted that rape victims be forced to relate to their non-relative convicted rapists, that would be a recognizable outrage, yet this insidious family pressure is too often accepted. Having different expectations of victims of rape by male family compared to other rape victims implies family rape is less important, less criminal — when in fact it’s a far worse crime because of the vulnerability of the victim and level of betrayal.

The last thing a victim of sexual assault needs when she’s trying to recover is to be told “he didn’t really mean to hurt her/didn’t know what he was doing/did it only because he had a hard life or was very upset at the time or was only a boy/is a sick old man now,” or that she’s being “hurtful” and “selfish” when she refuses to ever see the rapist again. Even when you’re clear about saying no to forced intimacy with these men, it’s much harder to say no to the women in your family who you still love and who you desperately want to believe love you too. They may even love you in the shallow way that many het women allow themselves to love other women, but it is cruel and selfish to pressure you to relate to anyone you don’t want to relate to. We need to be allowed to say no at last. (Many women have not told family members that they were assaulted by a male relative because they know they will be disbelieved and reviled.)

                                         Families Hate Lesbians    

These are just a few experiences of Dykes we’ve personally known in Aotearoa, the U.S., and other countries: After decades of being a Lesbian, a Dyke says her mother is “very supportive,” yet she’s afraid to come out to her. Another Lesbian’s mother ridiculed her because she’s never been heterosexual, and asked, “Don’t people laugh at you?” Another Lesbian’s family had her incarcerated in a mental hospital at age 19, where she was subjected to electroshock “therapy” and has lost part of her memory — yet she still takes care of the mother who did this to her. Another Dyke was disowned by her family at fifteen when they found out she was a Lesbian, yet she is now expected to take care of her aging parents. Another Lesbian’s father slammed her head into a wall when she got a lover, almost killing her. Another Dyke came out when she was seventeen and her parents called the police, forcing her to leave town with no money and nowhere to live. We know many Lesbians who came out in high school who were sent to psychiatrists and forbidden by their parents from ever seeing their lovers again.

We know of a Dyke who was killed in a car accident, whose body was taken far away by her family, and her lover was prevented from ever seeing her again. No respect was shown for their relationship and the family buried her in a christian ceremony against her known wishes. “Loving Daughter” and her name are the only words on the tombstone, even though she had believed her family truly supported their relationship.

A friend of a Dyke we know was murdered by being shot. The official verdict was suicide, although there’s reason to suspect a male acquaintance murdered her. When her lover removed her own possessions from their home, the dead Lesbian’s het sister called the police to charge her with theft and denied her further access to their home.

Typical comments from Lesbian-hating family are: “I accept you, but please don’t tell your mother/father/grandparents/aunt/uncle, etc. because it would kill her/him.”….”What did we do wrong?” ….”You didn’t try hard enough with men.”…. “You’ll die alone and unhappy.”…. “You’re cutting off half the world.”…. “This is against nature and god’s law.” One of the most selfish was “Can’t you at least go and have a one night stand to give me a grandchild?” (meaning, “Can’t you find a strange man and get raped and perhaps STDs, including AIDS, because I’m so selfish?”) Too often, Lesbians are just grateful that the response isn’t worse, no matter how bad it is.

Making excuses like, “How could they know better?” or “They’re just scared,” hurts Lesbians. That’s the kind of excuse that used to be made for European-descent families’ racism. There is even less excuse now, decades after we wrote our book, when beloved Lesbians are daily seen in the media. Some Lesbians say family members are “too old to change,” which is ageist and ridiculous when the Lesbians saying this have mothers way younger than we are. Nor is their health “too fragile to take it” since the truth doesn’t kill, lies do. (It’s interesting that for Meg Christian’s first album — one of the first out Lesbian Feminist singers — she wrote “Song to My Mama,” where she sings how her mother must know that she’s a Lesbian, but “it would kill her if I told her so.” No woman sings that her mother would drop dead if she finds out her daughter is getting fucked by a man, but somehow love between two Lesbians is horrifyingly lethal.)

In our experience, exceptionally “liberal” parents remain obsessed with people’s reactions to their daughters’ Lesbianism. A group in the U.S. called “Parents of Gays” complained on television about the stigma of having a Lesbian or Gay child. Their support was for each other, not their children.

Families’ social function as a patriarchal institution is to enforce heterosexuality and maintain heterosexual supremacy. They’re better suited to do this than other institutions because they raise us. They teach us heterosexuality just as they teach us to talk, walk, and dress. Later, when we come out, families are societies’ first line of defense against Lesbians and Gay men and they’re in a unique position to punish us. It’s been estimated that a third of teenage suicides in the U.S. are because of being oppressed as Lesbian or Gay. In a study of 6,500 teenage suicides in the U.S. approximately 30% were found to possibly be Lesbian or Gay. About 2,000 Lesbian/Gay teenagers kill themselves each year in the U.S.8  

Misplaced Loyalties

Het women’s alliance and loyalty is usually to males first. The Family and patriarchy itself couldn’t exist if women didn’t act as paid agents in policing other females and spreading males’ lies and misogyny.

Our female relatives can choose to change, but there’s no way we can make them choose females over males. What IS in our power though, is to protect ourselves and each other. It’s especially hard to defy our mothers because it’s not just patriarchy that teaches us to revere and obey them – liberal/right wing feminist politics tell us how hard our mothers’ lives are, saying that we as Lesbians are in a privileged position in relation to them. In spite of the truth being the opposite, most Lesbians respect and value mothers far more than they do non-mothers. This is destructive family roles and makes it very hard to deal with betrayal by our mothers. It helps to remember that when we relate to our families in ways that hurt us, the harm will travel through us to our friends and lovers.

Love and loyalty given to family is misplaced, and it weakens our bonds with each other. Most families can never truly accept a Lesbian daughter, because that would challenge all the lies and illusions their lives are based on. It hurts us to love someone who doesn’t even respect us enough to listen to us and who undermines the positive choices we’ve made in our lives. If they say they love us but hate who we are as Lesbians, then they don’t really love us. Most het women don’t really know what love is. They have that mind/body/spirit disconnect that they learned from men. Usually, they explain that they were “born het” or choose to be because they are just not “sexually attracted” to women. Considering how grotesque and pornified “sexual attraction” is throughout patriarchy and especially in the modern media, who but males would feel it?  Being a Lesbian is a decision to be open to loving other women, which naturally leads to passion. But for het women so disconnected even from themselves, too often “love” ends up being a word to use, to justify demands, to manipulate and to explain commitments which don’t make sense.

The myth of “unconditional love” is very seductive, considering how lonely most females are in patriarchy. It’s hard not to lie to ourselves if we desperately want to believe that our families do love us. They insist they understand us better than anyone else, even though they obviously don’t know us at all. It can be easy to build up their few kindnesses in our minds while overlooking the many times they make it clear they hate Lesbians and wish we were someone else. Most assume we still belong to them because we don’t “belong” to anyone else. Only a man in our lives would count as a real relationship — certainly not our Dyke friends and lovers.

Family often don’t take our Lesbian lives seriously. Most hets believe the stereotype of the lonely Lesbian – It helps them feel smug about their dismal, desolate, sordid lives. It’s a projection onto us of their own deep emptiness and loneliness. Dykes are potentially the least alone of people. We may be outcasts, but what we have with our lovers and friends and communities is deep and intense. The stereotype is that old women will be lonely, yet in our Lesbian community, there are hundreds of Old Lesbians who regularly go out to dance and party. Sometimes so many things are happening at the same time that it’s difficult to know which event to go to. Since we don’t have women only spaces left, we usually meet in public venues, where sometimes the older het women see us and have a mixture of horror and envy on their faces, as they cling to their zombie-like men. Yet to our families we’re “just girls” together, no matter how old we are. (Bev: “When my mother looked back on her life, she referred to herself at the age of 45 as an “old lady” to explain why it had been too late for her to make her life better, yet she referred to me at that same age as a “just a young girl.”)  In patriarchy, family is all and friends are nothing. Very good friends are honored by being called “one of the family,” but everyone knows they’re still “just friends.”

Bev: My mother had a very lonely life, with no friends. She lived alone with and looked after a man she hated, who hated her, like her previous two husbands. He called her filthy names, gave her an STD, and was with her only to use her. Her first husband was an alcoholic boxer who beat her regularly. The second was my father, who was cold and distant, and ridiculed her for being uneducated, rural poor (though he also was poverty class). I gave her constant support for years to leave her last husband and make a happier life, including helping her find a place and move. But she went back the next day, continuing saying how she hated him. She’d had a few close female friends, but lost them by putting her men first. It didn’t help that her last husband tried to fuck every woman who visited her (as she told me).

My mother complained about how lonely she was, yet told me how sorry she felt for me because I’d been “all alone” during the “holidays” and on my birthday. She knew I hate nationalistic, racist, and christian holidays and haven’t celebrated them since I lived with my parents. My and my friends’ birthdays are our biggest celebrations, and I’d had a wonderful time on mine,with my favorite Separatist friends and lover. My mother knew this, but “those girls” didn’t count. They’re not real since they’re not men. And though then ages 41 and 31, they would never be adults to her since they were not wives and mothers. And, of course, they’re not family. (Why my mother glorified family is beyond me. Hers was filled with horrific abuse, growing up partly in foster homes and being sexually assaulted and forced to work in fields as a little girl because her mother abandoned her eight kids to run off with a man.) When I confronted her about trying to make me feel like an outcast, she explained that she meant I was alone because I wasn’t with my family. Yet she knew I could see her anytime I wanted and I chose to keep as distance as my only way to stop her constantly harassing me.

Often our female family, like so many het women, spend hours complaining about their husbands, even saying they’re about to leave them. But this is a trap, because they use our support and caring only as a way to release their anger so they can stay with their men. So our energy ultimately benefits those men. Some Lesbians are so intertwined with their families that they say they’re going “home” when they visit their parents. They make endless excuses for the cruel treatment they get from their “beloved family” and then take out their suppressed rage on the Lesbians closest to them.

In order to protect ourselves and Dykes we love, we should be aware of how our “loving” family treats our friends and Dykes in general. We shouldn’t expect less of relatives than we do of other het women, nor should we expect our friends and lovers to relate to or accept our family’s abuse. Dykes need our love and energy more than abusive family, because we have so much less support. When we’re injured from choosing to relate to abusive families, our Lesbian friends are drained by helping us recover.

Lesbians who’ve never felt accepted by their mothers are especially vulnerable to their mothers needing them now, hoping to finally be loved by them. For those who never had a more traditional type of family, this can be very attractive, but it’s like stepping into what seems to be a beautiful pool, only to find quicksand.

Bonding with family often means bonding with privilege. One of the main ways that race and class privileged people keep their power within their own groups is through nepotism. Bosses don’t usually place a “help wanted” ad when a prestigious, high-paying position is available. They use contacts from privileged family or friends, or from that other old-school familial network — the brotherhood and sisterhood of fraternities and sororities) in order to keep power among the select few. Most wealth and positions of power are inherited.

Lesbians who grew up in families where racial, ethnic, and/or class oppression made family solidarity necessary for survival are even more painfully oppressed by the institution of Family than more privileged Lesbians. As is often said, more oppressed Lesbians need the protective, strengthening alliances that family is supposed to provide in the face of a hostile dominant culture, but we do not get it. Rape, cruelty, hierarchies, and the devaluing of Lesbians in families cuts across all races, classes, ethnic groups, and nations.  As class-oppressed Dykes, we (Bev and Linda) know the pain of not “belonging” with family members who were once, by default, our most intimate partners in oppression and sometimes major allies in resisting classism. For Linda, as part of an immigrant Italian­-American family, this is even more true.

Dykes with chronic illness or disabilities also may find it especially hard to distance themselves from families who’ve provided vital assistance. However, it will be easier for them to be independent of family if able-bodied and/or moneyed Dykes provide ongoing, reliable assistance, which is the responsibility of our communities. Instead, many Lesbians who give physical care do so only for Gay men with AIDS, even though that is an STD some men actively seek out. (A Gay man I [Bev] know who has AIDS says he is constantly approached by Gay men who want to get it from him.)  We need to focus our caring ability on our own kind who are disabled and ill, and needing help. (In 2013, the “AIDS Lifecycle Ride” organization got $14.5 million dollars, much of it from Lesbians. Some of the male directors of such “LGTBQWTF” groups make $300,000 a year. This is outrageous. Lesbian energy and money otherwise is devoted to helping het women, as if het women’s issues are our own. Lesbian have the least and get the least.)

The more we try to get support from our families, the more power they have to further injure us. Privileged Lesbians who keep bonds with family may justify themselves by claiming that more oppressed Dykes have no choice but to maintain family bonds, yet the truth is that many racially, ethnically, and class-oppressed Dykes have had the guts to cut off those harmful relationships. For those of us who do keep some contact with het female relatives, we need to maintain control over how we relate to them. The best way we can get true solidarity and support, as many of us have already found, is with Dyke-identified-Dykes who share our oppressions.

Relating to Lesbian family members is more complex. Ideally, it’s wonderful to have someone in your life who knows your family as well as you do, who’s also a Lesbian with the potential for shared support in understanding your family’s dynamics. If your relative is strongly Dyke-identified, then it’s possible to have a true friend who’s also your family. But for some, it’s a constant struggle to not fall into old destructive familial patterns and rivalries, or to avoid pulling lovers and friends into them. It’s also important to resist the pull to automatically put Lesbian relatives before friends and lovers. Some Lesbians still feel trapped in an intolerable hierarchy with Lesbian relatives, including their Lesbian mothers, and decide to break off contact. Just because someone is a Lesbian doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily like her and want to be close. Still, there’s at least the possibility to have a close and trusted friendship with a Lesbian family member that you won’t have with het family.

One of the most forbidden things we can do is to decide to free ourselves from our family. It’s so unthinkable that the possibility never occurs to many Lesbians, including those whose families previously cut them off for years. Many of us have been so grateful our family “accepts” us that we don’t even consider we may not want to accept them.  After all, we had no choice in being owned by them in the first place. Saying “no” to family in any way is considered cruel, even though you’re saying “no” to cruelty. Making the decision to free ourselves from male relatives and abusive female relatives, or even just limiting our contact with the more decent female relatives, takes great courage and determination. It’s especially difficult for those who’ve been caring for a dependent relative, which often seems to be expected of Lesbian family rather than siblings. But that decision enables us to begin healing from the abuse we’ve suffered, including from rape by male family.

Those of us who had regular recent contact with our female relatives found there wasn’t one time when we visited them that they didn’t make critical comments about our Lesbianism or how our bodies and clothes look, and how we live. Freeing ourselves gives us a chance to break old destructive patterns, which also makes it less likely we’ll respond to old or very young Lesbians in ageist ways in the future, and can help Dykes who grew up in families to be less likely to be oppressive to Dykes who’ve never had a family. For many Lesbians, it’s also meant being freed from cycles of depression, suicidal feelings, and self-hatred as well. Freedom from family gives us more physical, psychic, and emotional energy to care for ourselves and other Dykes. Sadly, Lesbians are more likely to provide support and care for ill, abusive parents than they are for ill Dykes. Yet there are often other family members who are willing to help sick relatives, while sick Lesbians are more likely to have no one.

There are some wonderful exceptions, though. In 1987, there was a story in a Berkeley, U.S., newspaper about Ollie’s, a Lesbian bar community that supported a Lesbian named Jean, whose lover had recently died of cancer. “It’s a place where people will back you in any kind of crisis.” When Jean’s lover died, the bar was the second place she called. “Within fifteen minutes, the bar had emptied and several carloads of women arrived at her house. In the weeks that followed, Jean’s friends from the bar organized into shifts, taking time off from work so that someone was always with her.” Jean said, “The people at the hospice told me, ‘Whatever your connection is, I wish everybody had it.’” This kind of support has been traditional in some Lesbian communities.

For ourselves, the changes we’ve made with our families have greatly improved our lives. One of us had letter contact with only her mother and hadn’t seen or talked with her for many years. Another of us related only to her mother, talking with her occasionally on the phone and seeing her several times a year since she lived nearby. Another of us had extensive contact with family members until a few years ago when she began to remember her father had raped her when she was little, so she cut off contact with him. When she tried to talk to her mother about it, her mother was completely protective of her father, and harassed her about “maligning such a wonderful man.” She now refuses to relate to her family until they deal with her in a more fair way, and is amazed to find herself mourning the loss of them only rarely, thinking of them hardly at all. Whether or not she has very limited contact with her female relatives in the future, she’s determined to never be “part of the family” again. And she feels clearer in her friendships with Lesbians than she ever was before.

We were not casual about distancing ourselves from our families, but did not know how to stop being treated badly otherwise. It does help to share support about doing such an unpopular thing. We appreciate the Dykes who’ve written and talked about their experiences with cutting off contact from family members.

One thing we definitely recommend, from experience, is that if you do keep having contact with relatives, visit them only on your terms, deciding how, where, and when you’ll visit, and never stay overnight with them. It’s much easier to stop them from putting you back into your old family position if you don’t live together, however briefly. Never willingly relate to anyone who you don’t want to see or who’s still treating you badly in anyway. Don’t relate to a relative, even one you love, who pressures you to see, talk with, or write to anyone you don’t want contact with. A mother who will see you or be nice to you only if you relate to the father or brother who sexually assaulted you isn’t good for you. Her approval is not more important than your recovery. It’s also damaging to you to censor yourself from talking about the harm your family has done to you. Much of family power and control is based on secrets and lies. It might surprise you how much power you do have when you start to say no.

It’s important to explore the ties that bind you. What does your family want and demand from you? If they could make you become het, would they? That would mean that they want to break up you and your lover, and all your Lesbian friendships. Also, let yourself think about what would happen if you suddenly were living as a dependent (without legal rights) with your family – how much would they restrict your freedom?

What do you want and need from your family? Do you ever get it? What do you get? How much is hurtful to you and how much is good for you? What do you have to pay for the good parts? Can you get those things from the Dykes you love? How do you feel about your friends’ families and how they’re treated by them? Do you think your friends should be treated better?  Are you more willing to accept hurtful treatment from your family than you think your friends should from theirs? Would you protect your friends if you could? Are you more prepared to break off with Lesbians who upset you than with relatives who abuse and oppress you? If you don’t have the sort of close Dyke connections that would sustain you if you left your family, could making family distance create a space for those connections?

Thinking of your parents as a heterosexual couple (if they are) can help you think more clearly about the bond you have with them. Do you ordinarily choose to intensely, intimately socialize with het couples? Why should you think of your parents as any different? If you were raised by a heterosexual couple, you were intimately involved in their relationship and probably still are, if you visit them. Their primary commitment is to each other, no matter how much your mother complains to you about your father or claims you’re closer to her than he is. Would you so easily be manipulated by your het neighbors and co­workers?

Lesbians who’ve been around lovers’ and friends’ families for a long time may be accepted to some extent as “part of the family.” That can feel like an honor, because it’s so easy for us to value men and het women more than we value ourselves. But being part of a family, even one that’s not our own, means being treated in the same possessive way. They speak to you in those familiar, intrusive, critical, and callous ways that they would never use with their own friends. They’re likely to act parental and condescending, putting you in a child role. And it wouldn’t be unusual for your lover’s male relatives to be sexually suggestive towards you, including telling pornographic stories.

Let yourself pay attention to the horrible things your family says, because that lets you know what they really think. Don’t keep making excuses, remembering only the good parts.

                                       Let’s Not “Be A Family”

“Family values” means hating Lesbians. Why do so many Lesbians want to use the term “family” for ourselves? The drive to belong, be “normal,” and be accepted by the male and het world plagues Lesbians, which is why many try to present Lesbian and/or Gay culture as just another kind of family. That’s also why many Lesbians want to try to be part of male religions, and why christian-raised Lesbians celebrate christmas (sometimes in the guise of “Summer Solstice” in the southern hemisphere or “Winter Solstice” in the northern hemisphere — which is still clearly a christmas celebration when they don’t celebrate the opposite Solstice and other more important witch days such as Beltane and Lammas.) This quest for approval undermines us as Lesbians. No amount of proclamations at Gay pride marches about how we’re all “family” will make Gay men become our brothers and why should we want brothers, anyway?

The including of Lesbians into “LGBTQIWTF” against our will is another attempt to include us into a pseudo-family that is using us and is incredibly destructive to us. We’re also trapped by the het mystique of Family if we consider “sisterhood” with other Lesbians a better ideal than friendship. For many Dykes, their biological sisters are het women who’ve been, and still are, cruel and oppressive. There’s a hierarchy among sisters in most families, which means that for many Lesbians, the sisterhood they grew up with was anything but the “sisterly” ideal. Too often that inequality creates patterns that stay with adult Lesbians and interfere with our ability to get along socially or work together politically. We grow up without any model of justice and equality. Our closest female relationships with our mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, and cousins, were usually anything but fair. Many Lesbians who keep close relationships with het sisters find their heterosexuality oppressive and hurtful, including the few who attempt to not be anti-Lesbian. Most heterosexual women are actively hostile to their sisters’ Lesbianism and try, like their mothers, to “turn them straight.” Even if our sisters try to be good to us, the male structure of family inequality is too powerful to not damage our interactions.

Adults often give elder sisters the power to boss, punish, and even hit their younger sisters. Older girls are expected to do some of the parents’ work of taking care of the other children, which should not be their job, but one way for them to rebel is by taking their anger out on the only people in their power — their younger siblings. Since boys are more protected, the youngest girls usually get the most of this unfair treatment. A Lesbian Feminist told one of us she felt badly for her mother when the mother beat the littlest girls, aiming for bare skin so it would hurt more, because “she must have been in such pain to do that.” As an older sister, she chose to identify with the authority figure, her mother, rather than with her younger sisters, the truly powerless ones who needed her support. She’s still doing it as an adult, using feminism to excuse her mother’s cruelty. Some older sisters do use their position to be kind and protective to younger girls, and in rare cases they will expose a male relative who’s raping the younger girls.

It can also be hard for mothers to avoid transferring to other relationships the experience they have had of being able to order and control their children, telling them when they can eat, sleep, etc. That sense of power often continues unconsciously, and mothers will treat other women as if they expect to be obeyed. The Lesbians who have not had the status of being considered “real” adults are particularly targeted and vulnerable to this. Lesbians who grew up having power over younger siblings or as teachers also sometimes continue expecting to have power in relationships, unless they are careful to be aware of that. That attitude of authority can be quite powerful, even if they don’t have that authority now. They may still unconsciously expect other Lesbians to be submissive and it can take constant vigilance to not act out that dominant role in their relationships. Many Lesbians who were older sisters do act in egalitarian ways towards others, but some are reluctant to let go of that past authority. If you were never in such a power position, being an only, youngest, or middle daughter, you may find some Lesbians acting condescending towards you simply because you refuse to use the body language and verbal games that define you as a person who’s been in physical and emotional authority over others. You may find yourself being treated as if you’re younger by someone the same age or younger than you. In many Lesbian groups, battles over dominance and submission go on not only because of differences in acknowledged areas of privilege and oppression, but also because of family positions.

Sometimes the only equal relationships we knew in our early years were with our friends who were also little girls. But too often family inequalities were carried over into our first interactions with non-relatives. Being trained in hierarchies at home encourages us to accept other hierarchies as well, including those based on race, ethnicity, class, nationality, ability, size, looks, age,  heterosexism, and male-identified femininity (how “normal” and feminine one girl is as opposed to how Lesbian and Butch another is).

Schools are no places to learn kind, egalitarian, female ways of relating because its structure gives some girls power over the majority of other girls. Most of us know what it’s like to be ostracized and ridiculed by more privileged girls in cliques (often based on classism) at school. Those who are excluded are usually the majority, but as long as the favored few are admired and sought after by the outcasts who hope to join the “in crowd,” the privileged group stays in power. That cruel pattern often divides Lesbian communities even now. Whenever a Dyke is slandered, ridiculed, patronized, or excluded from Lesbian political and friendship groups, the same malicious hierarchies are being played out.

Our yearning for “sisterhood” among Lesbians is a yearning for that true love and caring we should have received from our families but never did. We can’t have it as “sisters” or “family,” but we can have it as Dykes together.

                                   Dykes Are Home

As long as our family comes first in our allegiance, we can’t be truly committed to other Dykes. When Lesbians cut off friendships with other Lesbians over minor conflicts and differences, yet keep contact with family members who are vicious to them, they betray Dykes as a people. They’re literally allied with our enemy. We have only so much room and tolerance in our lives for difficult relationships, so it’s Lesbian friends who are more likely to be abandoned. Sometimes Dykes maintain contact with their families because no one else, friends or lovers, can be relied on to stay in our lives. The family may be brutal and hateful, but at least they’re “family.” If more Dykes put Dykes first in their lives, we will be available as friends and support for each other, and dependence on families will be easier to break.

There would be far more money in our Lesbian communities if most Lesbian money didn’t go to our families when we die. The fact that your family once owned you means they can own you again. They have legal rights to you and your possessions, which you don’t have to them. (Lesbians’ children have those “rights” over their mothers too.) Any of our family members, no matter how they’ve attacked us, can assert their right of access to us if we’re in the hospital. When we die, the family automatically has access to our bodies. If we’re very sick or injured so that we have difficulty communicating, they can take custody of us and imprison us and even deny us proper medical care. Some adult Lesbians have been declared incompetent by law so their parents or other relatives could resume ownership. That’s one way to deal with a “rebellious” daughter.

There are Lesbians still being held against their will, like Sharon Kowalski was, with their families trying to keep them from ever being with their lover and friends again. (Sharon, a U.S. Lesbian, was severely injured in a car accident in 1983. She was improving under the care of her lover, Karen Thompson, until Sharon’s parents took legal possession of her. They denied Karen access to her, and Sharon’s condition deteriorated. Sharon’s mother said, “I hate Karen Thompson like I’ve never hated anyone or anything in my life.”)11  After years of legal battles, they were reunited, but Karen believes Sharon will never recover as much as she would have if her father had not stopped her physical therapy.

It’s extremely important for Lesbians to make legal documents to try to prevent family from using their legal powers to make decisions about our medical treatment when we’re hospitalized or to incarcerate us in mental institutions, and to keep them from taking our property (including journals, letters, and possessions on loan from friends and lovers). Even then, families have been successful in overturning such contracts, but at least it gives us some protection. Lesbians who’ve made legal documents and whose families don’t know where they live are in the safest position. Legal marriages are also stronger protection, as well as giving immigration rights. As much as Separatists might be against marriage, we support it for the equal rights it gives. Of course everyone’s rights’ should be protected, whether married or not, but that is not within reach at this time, while marriage equality is. (For Radical Feminists adamantly against marriage, we question why they first don’t first try to stop het marriages.)

It’s also important to work out how we continue harmful family dynamics with our friends and lovers. Our girlhood is always going to affect us in some way, but we can improve things and try not to set up hierarchical pseudo-families in our own communities and relationships. With strong Dyke politics and support, we can and do recover from girlhood abuse, without resorting to therapists who often provide a hierarchical substitute for parents, continuing our dependence. We are our own and each other’s best healers. We should resist being in or wanting to be in elite groups, with their hierarchies of stars and scapegoats. We shouldn’t think of Lesbians in couples as being superior to single Dykes, whether ourselves or others. (It’s easy to relate to couples as if they were in authority over us, because many Lesbians in couples act parental and condescending towards single Dykes.)

We, as Dykes, have got to be there for each other with that long-lasting commitment that’s usually given only to families, with real love and caring, which means working out occasional difficulties. Then we’ll be better able to survive our families and patriarchy. We will be the enduring Dyke communities we long for.


I.  KGO-TV News, San Francisco, 6 May 1988.

2.  Shulamith Firestone, The Dialectic of Sex: The Case for Feminist Revolution. (New York: Bantam/William Morrow and Co., 1972).

3.  KGO-TV News, San Francisco, 31 March 1987.

4. San Francisco Chronicle, 31 August 1988. Mark-David James studied 195 teenagers who left their homes and went to shelters in Toronto, Canada. He found that even the horrors of runaways’ street life –prostitution, hunger, and drugs — don’t outweigh family abuse. 86% had been physically and/or sexually abused at home, while 67% got the same treatment on the street.

5.  Nina Eliasoph, “Why Kidnap Stirred the Bay Area,” San Francisco Chronicle, 2 December 1986, A26.

6.  Information leaflet by Family Violence Prevention Coordinating Committee and Accident Compensation Corporation, New Zealand Listener, 19 November 1988, 61.

7.  The Unquiet Death of Eli Creekmore, KCSM-TV, San Mateo, 3 May 1988.

8.  KRON-TV. San Francisco, 29 March 1988.

9. Angie Cannon, “Reassurance for Gay Kids,” San Francisco Chronicle, 5 March 1988, A2.

10. “Cheers: Gay Days and Nights at Ollie’s, Express, Berkeley, California. 21 August 1987.

11.  Why Can’t Sharon Kowalski Come Home? by Karen Thompson and Julie Andrzejewski (San Francisco: Spinsters/Aunt Lute Book Co.,1988).


Posted in Additional Radical Lesbian Feminist writings | Tagged , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Please, if You Love Lesbians and Other Females, Think About This….

This is an update to previous work at my blog. Part One should fit onto one double-sided leaflet for distributing and sharing. Part Two is an explanation of the brief questions and comments in Part One, with many links to brilliant Gallus Mag’s GenderTrender. Most of the clever comments (in italics) with her posts are hers, and she collected this amazing and horrifying articles with photos, which proves what perhaps words alone cannot.


Please, if You Love Lesbians and Other Females, Think About This….

1. Do you know about the increasing demand to accept men as Lesbians, thereby supporting men in invading our last female only space, driving away women who do not feel safe with them there — women who are perhaps alone and isolated and needing safe women’s community?

2. If you feel angry or upset at being asked this, or unable to think clearly for fear that you are being “transphobic” or “politically incorrect,” can you consider that you are being subjected to cult rules which forbid independent thinking and feeling?

3. Did you know that 80% of the men who claim to be women have had no surgery and are quite capable of raping women, and that the numbers of women raped by these men are increasing?

4. Are you aware that many of these men refer to their “lady penises” or “six inch clitorises?”

5. Did you know that most of these men are obsessed with “Lesbian” porn, made by men, for men?

6. Did you know that 90% of men claiming to be women are “autogynephilic”– meaning they are “aroused” by wearing the exposing clothes, makeup, high heels, etc. that men demand women wear, and many of them masturbate while wearing “women’s” clothing? (Real women do not do this.)

7. Do you know that many of these men demand Lesbians have sex with them and call those of us who refuse “transphobic”?  Do you agree with this?  If not, and if you are outraged and concerned, do you feel pressured to ignore your reasonable feelings?

8. Since when have Lesbians accused other Lesbians of being “bigots” or “phobic” for daring to say no to men?” Have you considered for a moment — beyond the name-calling and guilt-tripping — that these ARE men who have found a clever way to get access to Lesbians?

9. Do you know that most women who have publicly tried to defend women only space get rape, mutilation, and death threats from these men?  Yet we who have tried to protect our Lesbian communities (some of us for more than 40 years) are being asked to pay reparations on behalf of these men, in spite of the fact that they have threatened us and that men make far more money than most Lesbians could ever hope to have.

10. Did you know that many of these men have previously stalked and assaulted women?

11. Do you know that men appropriating female identity are more violent than other men and are changing the statistics on violence by “women?”  Why are Lesbians being asked to be outraged on behalf of the violence that men aim at men claiming to be women, ignoring that those same men are threatening and attacking women? Asking women to be especially concerned about male-on-male violence ignores that women are the primary victims of male violence.

12. Have you witnessed any of these men touching, grabbing, making obscene comments or otherwise doing things to Lesbians against our will, yet felt pressured to ignore those assaults?

13. Do you realize that the “transgender” phenomenon has become big business for psychologists, surgeons, drug companies, etc., and that an increasing number of young children who are not happy with being forced into roles that patriarchy demands children obey (whether it’s little girls being forced into dresses and painful shoes, or little boys forced to fit male roles) are being considered “transgender” and started on irrevocable and dangerous hormones and even surgery before puberty?

14. Do you know that “sex change” surgery and hormones do not begin to approximate a female body or mind or spirit?  Aren’t women far more than castrated men?
15. Do you know that many of the men claiming to be women also claim to be better women than us, and that they refer to us, and demand we identify ourselves with, yet one more “c” word: “cis?”

16. Do you know that adult men claiming to be women have won the right to expose themselves in school girls’ locker rooms and to play on girls’ sports teams?

17. Do you know that some men who have killed women are demanding that the government pay for their “sex change” and transfer them to women’s prisons?

18. We are told that “transgender” politics are progressive, yet they are in actuality right wing, enforcing gender roles that harm girls and women. In fundamentalist Iran, Lesbians and Gay men are executed, but the government pays for “sex changes.”

19. If you feel that no one has the right to tell someone they cannot be who they feel they are, do you agree with the able-bodied man who claims to be a “trans-paraplegic Lesbian?” (This man’s story is classic “trans” cult, including fondling his disabled aunt’s leg braces as a boy.) He goes to his local Dyke March in a wheelchair with a sign saying “Differently-Abled Dyke,” and makes his wheelchair fall over to get attention. He has no intention of truly becoming paraplegic, just as most “transwomen” have no intention of getting surgery.

20. Does believing that people have the right to identify however they want include white men appropriating the identity of people oppressed by racism? (Some of the completely European-descent men identifying as “transwomen” also say they are “trans-racial,” and have tried to get into positions of power in those communities they oppress, just as they have taken over many Lesbian/women’s organizations, including women’s studies classes.)

21. If you are outraged at the idea of “trans-racial” and “trans-disabled” identity appropriation, why would you accept that this should be done to Lesbians and other women?

22. Would you agree that people who have surgery to resemble cats or reptiles should be accepted as those animals? Trans politics and ideology say that you should.

23. Some women claim that these extremes are rare, mentally ill men who are not at all representative of real “transwomen.” Yet if you read any men posing as women online, you will see how they obviously have no idea what a real Lesbian or woman is. If you ever say no to these men, you will quickly find out how very male they are.

24. Why do the lives of Lesbians count for so little that men can claim to be us and then proceed to re-write our Lesbian history, get into power positions in our beleaguered Lesbian communities, and destroy what little we have left?  Why do women feel flattered by or protective of these men instead of being protective of the Lesbians and women they are harming?

25. Do you realize that if you support these men to destroy our last female only spaces, you are simply supporting men against women?

See my blog for links that explain more:

My previous posts about the trans cult: DEFINING LESBIANS OUT OF EXISTENCE — “TRANSWOMEN” ARE STILL MERELY MEN (And over 80% don’t even have surgery)

Bev Jo

Part 2

Please, if You Love Lesbians and Other Females, Think About This….

Bev Jo

Do you agree with small children being diagnosed as “transgender” and started on irreversible “corrective” surgery and hormones, based on the sexist opinions of their parents, doctors, or psychologists? Is the belief of some people that little girls who don’t want to wear dresses and sit primly with their legs together, but would rather play in nature, must be “boys,”’ and that little boys who want to wear dresses and not torture animals must be “girls,” adequate reason to diagnose little children as “transgender,” while making a fortune for the pharmaceutical industry, surgeons, and hospitals, etc.?  Meanwhile, the trans cult, which is pushing for the tiniest children to be called “transgender,” are ignoring the struggle of Intersex people to not have Intersex babies and children given surgery, which is what has been going on for decades, sometimes even without their parents’ consent.

I keep being told that the issue of “transgender” or “transsexuality” is “complicated,” but why?  How is it?  What could be more simple than following your own instinct in knowing that men can’t be women and women can’t be men?

But we are not allowed to say that.  Many Lesbians’ thinking has shut down (including “feminists”) — except for wanting to censor me by yelling “transphobic!”  They are terrified to think more about this issue and so are self-censoring for fear of being labeled “transphobic” themselves.

How can it be that women daring to think against male rules are therefore being “phobic?”

Why are women being told that men can not only be women, but be Lesbians? If you express the completely reasonable feeling/thought/opinion as most of us did on first hearing this, you are likely to be treated in a very similar way to people who say no to religious propaganda: bullied, shamed, name-called, patronized, lectured…that is, oppressed. Trigger words like “transphobia” are used similarly to words used in religious mind control to shut down thinking. How dare you think, question, wonder?  How dare you listen to your own common sense? How dare you say no?

This is why I coined the term “the trans cult,” because it is as much of a cult as any other, except that this one has taken off in Lesbian communities, women’s communities, theoretically “our LGB” communities, Leftist groups, “progressive” groups, mainstream media, etc. It is moving with the speed of religious conversion and invasion, where the plan is to stop all logical thinking. The victims then are trained to act as robots and agents to shame and police other Lesbians and women on behalf of men to continue spreading the cult.

When did saying no to men and male commands become labeled “phobia” or “bigotry” instead of being recognized as women-loving? Men appropriating the identity of Lesbians and of women are using Lesbian Feminist politics and language against us.  We’re not afraid of these men – they are oppressing us.

Why are Lesbians’ and women’s minds supposed to shut down when the subject of men claiming to be Lesbians comes up? Why is the response not outrage at the men, rather than at the women who say no to them?  Why is it that the feelings of the women and Lesbians affected don’t matter as much as the fear of upsetting men?

This is as much of a mindfuck as any other kind of “reverse discrimination.”

I don’t believe in Santa Claus either, but my refusing to believe that does not get the reaction that I, as a Lesbian, get when I refuse to accept that a man who has sexually harassed me is a now a Lesbian. Why?
We have the right to say no to men oppressing us, yet, when we do, they threaten to rape us, cut off our clitorises, and kill us. (All feminists who blog in support of women only space get these threats.)

(Gallus Mag: Finally a response from the Transgender Law Center’s Cecilia Chung after two days of death threats against lesbians and feminists in his twitter timeline. Killing women “is not helpful” at this time, in his estimation.)

Even more proof than death threats that these men are men is their demand that we let them fuck us. Seriously. (If you do not read anything else here, read this: )

(And a woman’s story of being raped by her male friend who played on her sympathy to trans:

The worst part though is that these men have succeeded in getting Lesbians to fight other Lesbians and girls and women on their behalf. One of these misogynist men claiming to be a Lesbian actually made a list online of how ugly women’s vulvas were (a Sharpei dog run over by a car is one example), and women joined him in this.

What was your reaction the very first time you heard a man say he was a Lesbian? Women not immersed in the trans cult ideology usually respond as a friend of mine did when she said “A man calling himself a Lesbian is just plain creepy.”  And so it is.

To shut down your natural reaction and think otherwise (“But he’s a woman now!”) means accepting dogma that is inherently anti-female. (Yes, there are some Intersex people, but they are a tiny percentage and are in no way related to trans, and many are as angry at being used by the trans agenda as women are.)

How can a man be a Lesbian? Well, “he was born in the wrong body.” “He always felt like a woman.” “He, I mean she, is a woman attracted to women.” And if a Lesbian knew him when he didn’t lie about his past and he sexually harassed or assaulted her and she dares the wrath of other women to tell the truth, who is told to shut up and go away?

If you try to talk to trans cult members, they are likely to start yelling their dogma to terrorize and embarrass you into obedience. Being screamed at causes instinctual fear. Caring women are likely to ignore that they are being abused, and instead be distracted by trying to figure out how they could have so upset another woman. The trans cult agent will usually continue yelling their dogma, trying to publicly humiliate the woman they are bullying, and then literally put their hands over their ears for fear they may hear other ideas other than those allowed by the cult. If online, they simply ban you.

Another aspect is the pleasure that many feel at learning in-group and clique tactics and language, the accompanying sense of superiority towards women who do not yet know the religious/cult terms. Because Radical Lesbian Feminism decades ago was clear and strong in recognizing all the cons that men pretending to be Lesbians played, the present cult members often use ageism to shame women into bowing down to cult rules, as if reality has actually changed.

So now, how dare you not genuflect to these men?  After all, they have renamed you a “cis” woman while telling you that they are more real women than you will ever be, as they play out a fetishized caricature of their fantasy of hot womanhood.

The language these men and their women collaborators use is very much based on dominance and submission, with women expected to submit to male supremacy. It’s no coincidence that some of the former Radical Lesbian Feminists, including former Lesbian Separatists, who promoted these men into our last women only spaces, like OLOC (Old Lesbians Organizing for Change), the SF Dyke March, and elsewhere, have a sado-masochist community connection with the trans cult. Of course there is a long history of certain “feminists” and other sado-masochists ignoring consensuality. Some of these women became friends with the trans cult in their dungeons. (This is not a joke. A group of sado-masochists in SF own the “Armory,” which is a city block of multi-million dollar real estate in a city where the average house costs one million. Check the photo of their “Leather community” flag that imitates the US flag with black and blue bruise stripes. In late 2006, The Armory was purchased for $14.5 million by, a San Francisco-based internet pornography producer specializing in BDSM pornography…. La Casa de las Madres, a neighboring women’s shelter, announced in late March 2007 that they would be leaving their location as a result.)

If these men claiming to be women truly acted like they were, wouldn’t they at least try to have the compassion of real women and think what it feels like when the rapist caste intrudes on the last female-only space of the raped and assaulted caste – against our will?  Wouldn’t they care about women and girls, the people who cannot escape seeing ourselves brutally objectified and raped every moment throughout the media? If they sincerely were questioning “gender,” wouldn’t they meet with each other and call themselves by other names in order to not appropriate and oppress Lesbians, girls, and women more than they already have?

Instead, trans and their allies actually protest (with “blood boiling” anger) a workshop for “Female Survivors of Sexual Abuse,” because such a workshop discriminates against those born male, and a “Day of Remembrance” for fourteen women killed by a man who hates feminists:

Most of the women who support men in this oppressive fantasy, as well as the men themselves, are European descent. If you believed you were Euro-descent, but suddenly discovered that you were genetically part of an oppressed race and culture, though you appear completely “white,” would you insist/demand that all people address you as a member of that oppressed group, and demand to be let into their most private and protected spaces? Would you insist on becoming their leader and spokesperson in public and media events representing that culture?

By the way, in my own community, spanning ten counties, all the men I’ve seen who are going to our “Lesbian” events are middle to upper class and are European-descent, which means that the Lesbians oppressed by classism and racism are getting a multiple bombardment of oppression.

Men looking like drag queens are just men looking like how men want women to look in patriarchy. We are not talking about reality here, but fantasy. “Femininity” is male-defined, as is “masculinity.” No man pretending to be a Lesbian looks remotely like a Lesbian. Some even pretend to be Butches, which would be even more laughable if they did not have the power to control Lesbian conferences and censor real Lesbians and Butches (like pornographer Tobi Hill-Meyer who posts videos and photos of his erect prick online, referring to it as his “ladypeen.”)

(This one is beyond infuriating as these effeminate men pose and posture, with not even an idea of what a Butch is, other than the women the furthest from what they could ever be — )

If men can become women, can white men in blackface (not interracial men, but completely, ethnically, culturally, visibly European-descent men) claim to be Indian/Native American or Black or other oppressed races and then insist they not only be allowed into private events and organizations representing those cultures, but be in leadership positions?  Of course that would be an outrage, and in fact some of the same men professing to be Lesbians are doing this.  Some have had surgery and altered their features and hair, but they are still oppressor white men. If the reaction of women/Lesbians/feminist who are anti-racist is outrage, as it should be, but they support men saying they are Lesbians, why the double standard? – except that people oppressed by racism, as bad as their oppression is, are still taken more seriously as a people than Lesbians of any race.

Male surgeons and male pharmaceutical companies cannot begin to approximate female bodies. Women are more than castrated men. No one believes the men who have surgery to look like reptiles or cats are truly those animals, and no one believes that Michael Jackson literally became European-descent as a result of surgery and skin lightening toxic chemicals, so why would anyone believe the medical industry can make women out of men and men out of women?

This entire trans con is outrageous, and if so many women did not participate it would be obvious how ridiculous it is. Basically, trans is a mass delusion, cult, and myth. It is taken seriously only because of male supremacy and female-hating.

Real women do not do what men claiming to be women do, which is be “autogynphilic,” meaning become sexually aroused by dressing the ways that men demand women dress (which has nothing intrinsically to do with women) and masturbate.

How many women are alone in abusive relationships with men who have decided they are Lesbians, being told they are “transphobic” or “homophobic” if they try to get help? More of these stories are surfacing, in spite of the harassment (even while these are added to statistics on “Lesbian domestic abuse):

If men can become women, why can’t a man who has had extensive surgery to look like a reptile or cat be accepted as those animals?

If men can become women, why can’t an able-bodied man truly be the “trans-paraplegic” he claims to be?  “Chloe Jennings-White” is a Narcissistic man who loves being on TV and in magazines and has no intention or desire to truly be paraplegic. His rationale is identical to the classic trans cult story, down to the boyhood desire to be like his disabled aunt, including fetishizing her by fondling her leg braces. (This is similar to so many men’s stories, like the “Sex Change Hospital” television series quote where a man says he first felt he was a woman when he was excited as a boy by his mother’s bra.  All of us women remember that, don’t we?  Bras aren’t even part of a female body, but a sexualized device men demand women to buy and wear.)

The “trans-paraplegic” admits to being jealous of disabled people. He also says he’s a Lesbian and admits going to his local Dyke March with a sign saying “Differently-Abled Dyke” and making his wheelchair fall over to get attention. Sadly for real Lesbians, this scumbag is talked and written about in the media as a woman and often Lesbian.

There is a man pretending to be a woman who chainsawed his legs off —

What about the man who pretends to be a woman adult baby and wears diapers and sleeps in a crib?  Of course, yet another National Geographic television documentary that tells us that this is a woman. Gallus Mag: “And remember, when you hear about a female doing something really wack, or read about it in a newspaper or on a website, and it just “don’t sound right” to you: It’s probably a male transgender.”)

The extreme versions sound ridiculous, but they are just an extension of the trans cult line. No, these are not just mentally ill men any more than any of the trans men are. This is classic trans cult ideology. And if you believe them to be mentally ill, isn’t it kinder and more honest to confront their fantasy than go along with the pretense?

In this era, when women and girls are dying because of being denied decent medical treatment, the trans cult are also demanding and getting narcissistic attention for fantasy health tests on non-existent organs:

(GM: “DENVER — A state-run women’s wellness program now provides breast and cervical cancer screenings for transgender women, announced the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment Wednesday.”

If you would say no to some of these men, why not say no to those who want access to Lesbians, to our lives, our bodies, our communities, our last spaces, our organizations?

Who does it serve to make this a complicated issue? — Men, and primarily the MRAs/Men’s Rights Activists. Who most wants to destroy Lesbian community and invade Lesbian space?

                                 Misplaced Sympathy and Pity

Part of the problem is the liberal feminist myth that there is no basic biological difference between females and males. Yet males certainly know that there is and brag about it. Even a christian man who wrote a book about raising boys says it’s not safe to let boys who’ve reached puberty babysit babies and children. Men also clearly know the trans cult is a con, so why don’t women?(from the Little Britain television series: )

The biological difference between males and females can be seen in many males of other species who rape and kill babies and females of their species, and who rape other species as well. Human males’ difference goes way beyond socialization because human males’ raping and murdering is often against their own cultures and religions. As bad as some women are, they just do not do what men do. I know of a Lesbian couple who came home to find their male gardener raping their dog.  If the difference isn’t clear from experience, just read online the comments following any description or video of an animal or woman being raped, otherwise tortured, and killed, and see how very different that men think and write than women. The way that many men make disgusting jokes about the most horrific things is incredibly revealing in comparison to women’s heartache and concern.

Lesbians are women who choose to love other women. Can we really not tell the difference between women and men? Wouldn’t our lives of oppression and marginalization be so much easier if there truly were no difference? Would Lesbians be disowned, hated, attacked, imprisoned, executed and otherwise murdered if there were no difference?

No amount of being told I am “transphobic” or “bigoted” will ever make me consent to letting a man have sexual access to me. How dare these men do this to Lesbians? Men demanding sexual access to women are het men who are refusing to take no for an answer. That is sexual harassment, and when they continue not accepting no, it is rape.

And in spite of the ego-stroking of these men by many Lesbians and other women who assure them that they really are attractive women, they will never, ever, get what they demand, which is sexual access to a Lesbian. Because a woman who would agree to being sexual with one of these female impersonators is, by definition, no longer a Lesbian. It’s that simple.

And how dare these arrogant and entitled het men take over our Lesbian organizations, re-write our history, be our “spokeswomen/leaders” at Dyke Marches and other spaces, which we created in spite of men like them?  These men are destroying our last female only spaces. Yet they would not be able to do this without the help of Lesbians and other women collaborating with them against us. Why are women and Lesbians betraying us to these most male of men?

If you correct a woman with the “Transgender Etiquette” list, you are shaming her, telling her she’s wrong, patronizing her – all for the benefit of men as well as your own sense of superiority. Even if your chastising her is on behalf of a woman pretending to be a man, ultimately, this obsession still benefits men. You are not fighting oppression. You are harming women in order to enable men to harm women. Why?

This is as simple as the issue itself. You cannot both support men demanding to be accepted as Lesbians and support Lesbians and women. It’s like pretending to be against racism, while working with the Nazis and Klan. It’s like pretending to care for the earth, air and water, while supporting Monsanto and the men destroying the earth.

How did this happen, where Lesbians police other women for men to have access to them?  I’m sorry, but it really does remind me of those men who kidnap girls to rape and impregnate, yet who have wife/women accomplices to help them in ensnaring girls and imprisoning them. You must have seen these grotesque men in the media, in court, sometimes after having imprisoned a girl in chains for decades, and we have to know that they could never have gotten the girl in the car or to come home if his woman was not there to reassure the girl. Some of them even hold the girls down while their men rape them. (And please do not start telling us how oppressed these collaborators are.)

Of course, we are not imprisoned. We can just walk away alone from the communities we created. We can decide to not plan any more women’s or Lesbian events for our community if we don’t want to have to deal with men showing up. But why should we? The men have the entire rest of patriarchy worshipping them. (And please do not pull out the con about how these men are in danger and being killed and it’s our responsibility somehow. When they themselves are not raping and killing, it is other men attacking them. But far more Lesbians and women are attacked, so why should we make men a priority over their victims?)

For centuries, men have been perving on women and Lesbians. In our remembered history, men have gone into our few spaces, like Lesbian bars, to perv on us and try to rape us when we left. Police would do raids to rape us.

Then, when we created Lesbian Feminism, we finally had our own female only spaces, and, in a few special parts of the world, like the African-descent Lesbian community in the SF Bay Area and in Aotearoa/New Zealand, there have been Lesbian only events.
When the first men perving on us stalked us into our growing Lesbian communities, they got into positions of power, causing divisions and destruction, but still most Lesbians said no to these men.

So what happened? Men are no more able to become women than people can change race or species, but there is a media bombardment with laws changing so that even public women’s restrooms now are allowing men in. The rate of little girls and women being raped will increase, but because these men are now considered women, they are already adding to statistics on women being violent and dangerous.

Some women, usually those already invested in males, are flattered that men say they want to be women. Some mistakenly believe that these men must love women more than most men to identify as us, and have not seen how these men talk about themselves, with their posing and videos and photos of looking like male porn fantasies.

Some feel sorry for them, and are impressed that they are giving up the most powerful weapon and status symbol in patriarchy (not realized that 80% of “transwomen” never have surgery), and forget about the girls and women they are harming. And some women just feel more comfortable having men around in previously women’s spaces. It’s a combination of misdirected sympathy and being in the female role of wanting to support and help others. An intrinsic part of that is valuing males more. The poor man, to lower himself to our level, give up so much privilege, and to want to join us as a woman!

Some women are shocked at the level of threats, abuse, and name-calling and are terrified, desperate to placate. Some believe that placating men who refuse to take no for an answer will somehow work. They do not understand the analogy and link with rapists. All men who refuse to take no for an answer are on a continuum with rapists. After all, many of the men who insist they are women have already raped women and girls. If they even remotely respected or cared for girls and women, they would not insist that they are us and invade our spaces.

They forget how obsessed men are with Lesbians as a fetish. “Lesbian” porn for men is the most common male porn, which encourages men to try to get sexual access to Lesbians in any way they can. (In 1972, I became lovers with a Lesbian Separatist who had recently came out with the encouragement of her boyfriend, which I didn’t find out until later. He had been in a men’s group with Robin Morgan’s husband, Kenneth Pitchford, and wanted not just to be with a Lesbian, but with a Lesbian Separatist. After she left him, he tried again to get his next girlfriend to look as much like a Lesbian as possible with. Of course, by definition, no Lesbian will be with a man, which is the ongoing dilemma that men who pretend to be Lesbians have. This man didn’t bother with that game, at least at that time. By now, he could very well be saying he’s a Lesbian and be more accepted in our communities than we are.)

As women, we do not focus our lives on sexuality, and especially male sexuality that is often based on porn, sado-masochism, and fantasies of raping women. How many men are playing with other forms of extreme sexual fetish, such as using asphyxiation for stronger orgasms, even though some famous men have died from that sex game (David Carradine)? Fetish has become mainstream sex for men.

Extensive plastic surgery and mutilation for men is another aspect to sexual fetish, from the men who want to look like animals, to the man who chainsawed his legs off while his wife later confronted him with “what about me and the kids?” to the men who just keep disfiguring their faces, like music stars, Michael Jackson and Pete Burns.

Learning the Con

I keep going back to my own experience with men pretending to be women. I remember the first man I knew who decided he wanted to be a Lesbian. I was 17 and it was 1968 and a couple of years before I found feminism of any kind or Lesbian feminists. He had been pressuring me to be het with him and seemed to have no clue what a Lesbian was when I said I was in love with my best friend. He told me about his life, being in a seminary high school, and had never considered himself like a woman. He kept obsessing about Lesbians and was just as repulsive, whether identifying as male or female. He exuded adolescent maleness and prurience, and still does, decades later. He picked a first name as close to mine as he could and dyed his hair a similar color.

By 1970, we weren’t going to the same university any longer and he wasn’t in my life. He just continued being interested in chasing Lesbians and nothing about him seemed any more female, and certainly not Lesbian. I thought of him as a pathetic lonely man and wished him happiness. His not seeming as successfully male as other men somehow made his deciding as an adult that he was a Lesbian made sense only in the context that we could think a nerdy, insensitive, narcissistic, passive-aggressive man was like a woman. But because I was the first Lesbian he fixated on, I felt somehow responsible. I had no idea that he would stalk me into the Lesbian community and I could never escape being forced to be subjected to him. He joined one of the earliest Lesbian organizations (Daughters of Bilitis) and became vice president, causing a split that ended the group. He wrote an article called “Lesbian Sex” that was printed in “off our backs” after he lied to them about being a “womyn-born-womyn.” He also has written publicly racist letters as a “Lesbian” and has harassed African-descent Lesbians with his racist comments. When he was invited in 1973 by Jeanne Cordova to the West Coast Lesbian Conference as a “Lesbian” performer, Robin Morgan, in her keynote speech called him “an opportunist, an infiltrator, and a destroyer — with the mentality of a rapist.” (From Wikipedia.) The last time I had the misfortune to hear him at a women only open mic, a couple of years ago, I was forced to hear his usual bellowing/singing off-key about a woman crawling on the ground, desperate to reach his “kitty cat” (pussy). Yet he is still welcomed at that event.

Yet isn’t this similar to the way many woman are led/tricked into agreeing to obey men as a form of rape? It’s not the direct violent kind of rape — it’s men using guilt and pressure to get a woman to agree to something she does not want. I remember when I was sixteen and visiting a girl I had just met at high school. She took me to a hippie house where a man put his hand on her belly and looked pleadingly at her, so she laid down and let him fuck her, right in front of me. It was cold and horrifying, and all about obeying this disgusting prick. Afterwards, she said how her life would be ruined if she now got pregnant. The man could have cared less.

Women supporting men in their fantasy and insistence of being women are doing a variation of the same thing — laying down for men in order to not hurt their feelings, not daring to say no to them — regardless of how this lie hurts them and other women and girls. It is destructive, self-hating and female-hating. It’s a mass participation in an Emperor’s New Clothes fantasy, with women thinking that it’s more trouble than it’s worth to say no.

But these are not “failed” men. These are very successful men at getting what they want.

Many of the men claiming to be Lesbians do not act on their porn fantasies until getting bored with their families after having full het male privilege. They also do not care what “becoming a woman” will mean to their wives and children. It is always about them. For every one of these men, there is a story of a woman or women and often children horribly affected:

A weak objection that many liberal feminists give to men appropriating our identity is saying that they did not have our experiences growing up – but that is a flimsy argument which does not deal with the few men who have been identifying as Lesbians for decades or who insist they always felt like girls. The truth is simply that these men have never felt like or been girls or women and they never will. Every one of them lies about always feeling like they were girls from childhood. (They don’t even know what that means if you ask them. Their ideas of being women is all about male-defined femininity.)

All you have to do is listen to these men, read them, watch them. It doesn’t take long to see how far from being female they are. Not one has a clue of what it means to be a girl growing up, or a Lesbian, or any other kind of woman as an adult. Their extremely male minds are more male than any other kind of male, because they are in constant rapist mode of refusing to take no for an answer. Their focus is all on themselves and their fantasies of what glory they will get as a woman, imagining an experience no woman has ever lived. Their words and minds are still prurient male. Many of them do not even know enough to stop themselves from grabbing and groping Lesbians in public or making typically obscene male comments. They are male to the core in the worst possible way.

They did not grow up worrying about being sexually harassed and attacked for being girls. (If they did experience sexual assault, it was as a male, knowing they could also rape.) Whatever abuse boys experience is in no way comparable to what girls experience. Boys also do not grow up seeing their own kind obscenely objectified everywhere, being harassed by males constantly, not even being safe in their own families.

Men did not experience the constant humiliation and oppression that girls suffer. They did not experience adult Lesbian or female oppression. They certainly have not experienced having created an oppressed but vibrant culture only to see the oppressor steal it for his own — and then to see the betrayal of Lesbians and women obeying the male rules by calling themselves “cis,” to denote an inferior kind of women to the male “women.” It is still a shock to see how meekly and how obediently even many longtime Radical Lesbian feminists dutifully rename themselves and the rest of us to please these arrogant men. What other oppressed people agrees to taking on an insulting name while not protesting when their oppressor steals their own identity?

If you support these men against women, please know that you are contributing to the new laws which eliminate protection for girls and women in having separate restrooms, girls’ sports locker rooms and teams, etc.

Not Betraying Lesbians and Girls and Other Women for Men

Of all the oppressive forces against Lesbians and women in patriarchy, I believe the trans cult is at the top and is far more dangerous than the rest of the right wing like the Nazis and Klan and christian, muslim, and other religious fanatics, because they want to destroy us from the inside out. They are like the worst form of parasite, who tricks the victim into protecting and fighting for those who are killing them. So we don’t even end up fighting these men directly. We have to first face the women who are standing in front of them, working to destroy all women’s rights, including our right to say no.

It is so hard for Lesbians and other women to say no, especially to men, but it can be done. This reminds me of teaching self defense to women who seemed incapable of allowing themselves to consider hurting a potential attacker. Only when I said that unless they stop the man attacking them, he will continue and will rape and possibly kill other women and girls, did they whole-heartedly fight back. They became impressively ferocious. That is what has to happen for women to not put men first in the trans cult.

Where did the illusion come from that we are part of a movement that included our oppressors?  Those who do not know our history are condemned to repeat it. When we are included with those who either directly oppress us (men, including gay men), or those who choose to ally with our oppressors (bisexual women), we may feel like we are less alone as a people, but we are betraying ourselves to benefit those who harm us.

Were we ever asked to be joined as a people with those who despise us unless they are using us?  I never agreed to be part of “LGBT” and neither did anyone I know. We were added against our will. Gay men still do drag shows ridiculing Lesbians and other women. Until the AIDS epidemic where gay men put ads in papers asking for Lesbian blood because we have the cleanest blood (“Our boys need blood” was a Bay Times ad), gay men openly despised us, calling us “dirty.” They still do, as a group, and don’t even want us going into their precious neighborhoods, though we have nothing of our own. (The few bars and cafes owned by Lesbians wholeheartedly welcome men, both to work there, even though some sexually harass Lesbians, and as customers). Even though AIDS is simply a preventable STD that some gay men actively seek out (a gay man with AIDS told me he’s horrified how often by gay men ask him to give them AIDS) Lesbians still donate time and money. The AIDS “Lifecycle Ride” made 14.5 million dollars in 2013. There is almost nothing for ill or dying or disabled Lesbians. Lesbians who volunteered with AIDS groups said one gay male director makes $300,000 a year, and they have seen gay men walk off with most of the donations.

What is with all the appropriation and ignoring of consensuality by gay men, bisexual women, and the trans cult?

Once we give the men posing as women the smallest bit of what they want (such as referring to them with female pronouns or calling them “women” in any form), then they have won the battle.  This is one of the most important things that we can do for each other and our culture. Please never call a man a “transwoman” or “she” or “her.” Never call a woman a “transman” or “he” or “him.”  Refuse to use “transgender” as a term. It is no more real than trans-species. Seriously. This may seem small, but it is essential. If you would not play along with an able-bodied man pretending to be disabled in a wheelchair by waiting on him, do not enable or give what these most dangerous of men demand of us.
If you are tempted to play along to not hurt his feelings, then know that going along with his male fantasy is hurting women so much more. What if all women and Lesbians just said no to them?

Once you give in and submit, and call them women of any kind, we have lost. It’s like opening the door to the rapist and then begging, cajoling, pleading for him to perhaps just beat you and not rape you, or rape you but not kill you. Once that door is open, they have won and can do whatever they like. You can see it now, everywhere.

Also, never accept any of their misogynist, offensive terms for yourself. No sensible woman or Lesbian ever refers to herself or other women as “cis.” It’s immediately identifies someone as a cult member since no woman who has not been indoctrinated into the trans cult would ever use such ridiculous, creepy, and bizarre terms.

And for F2Ts, women who say they are men — again, the surgery does not come close to approximating a male body. Many of these are male-identified feminine women who want sexual access to gay men. They are being self-hating and female-hating. Many have connections with men in the sado-masochist community, as do many of the women supporting men into our last spaces.

Why don’t these women recognize males as a group as the enemies who assault girls and women and animals, and who are destroying the earth?  Some say that they don’t want to be raped any more or to become an “old woman.” Some say they want “better paying jobs and more chicks.” Then they discover that gay men don’t want to be with women, even in drag. Some men will fuck anything that moves and don’t mind the “bonus hole” (as gay men call vaginas), but that has to lose its charm eventually. When F2Ts find out that the het women they idolize and idealize want real men and all the status and privilege that het women get from men, many want to come back to Lesbians. Some don’t like how quickly they are turning into what looks like old, balding men with acne, cartoon chipmunk voices, and male facial bone structure. Many of these women are angry and aggrieved and expect and demand that Lesbians will cheer to see them return and welcome them with open arms and no questions asked. Sadly, many do exactly that, since, like most oppressed people, Lesbians often value our oppressors more than ourselves. But some Lesbians and other feminists get a bit sick of the returned pretend men lecturing us and telling us what we did wrong since few will accept responsibility for their own female-hating choices. Those who call themselves feminists play on the liberal myth of women who hate other women as victims needing rescuing.

I’m not saying to not support women who change their minds about joining men in the trans cult, but why should they get more support than the Lesbians and women who never left us?

And Now, the Charming Stories By/About  Men Claiming to Be Women

Gallus Mag has compiled an amazing archives of true horror stories at GenderTrender, which every women who supports the trans cult should read. Here are a few of them as well as from other sources.

This is from a study in the British medical journal The Lancet.

Transgender fetish is the largest sexual disorder reported in convicted sex offender….Almost 100% of convicted sex offenders have a documented history of transvestism, crossdressing, free-dressing, Autogynephilia, transsexualism – in other words: TRANSGENDER.

60% of convicted sex offenders have transgender fetish as their primary paraphillia (a parapillia is a psychological sex disorder). Of the remaining fetishists, such as pedophiles, rapists, etc., 60% of those sex offenders have transgender fetish as their secondary parapillia, in addition to their primary disorder. Finally, 40% of convicted sex offenders have transgender fetish as their tertiary (3rd) fetish among multiple disorders.

If these are truly women, why would they protest a Day of Remembrance for fourteen women killed by a man who hates feminists?

Vancouver male transgender activists (“Transwomen”) spent today organizing a protest against the scheduled upcoming Day of Remembrance for the fourteen women slaughtered during the horrific 1989 L’Ecole Polytechnique Massacre.

Reed believes that all males can become female if they simply claim to be, and has lobbied for the right to have a state-funded medical procedure to insert a surgical “neo-vagina” near his penis, so that he can have the appearance of having two sets of genitals. Reed and his “transwomen” co-organizers are offended by any feminist or women’s event that addresses the issues that affect women because they feel that such events discriminate against them as males.

Photo of Natalie Reed, the man who organized the protest of the memorial for the women killed by the man who publicly hated feminists:

Another popular image among “transwomen” – what lovely “women” they make, don’t you agree? —


You are such a “transphobe” if you don’t want to let this man have sexual access to you….

hideous trannie

The Cotton Ceiling This Week

March 17, 2013

It’s been a year since I first spotted a small listing for a Planned Parenthood male-only seminar curiously titled “The Cotton Ceiling”. If you’ve never heard of it you can read about it here:

A lot of lesbians were sort of shocked by the Cotton Ceiling- a series of closed-to-females seminars designed for transgender males to tackle the “problem” of lesbian refusal to have sex with males. Lesbians were shocked, but not surprised. Dykes had long been aware of the male takeover of lesbian spaces- it’s been going on for years. Every public womon-space, from book groups to dances to music festivals to record companies to bars has witnessed the “transition” of the same creepy straight dudes who imposed themselves and haunted, sentry-like, the corners of our spaces,  into “transwomen” who now claimed they “were” lesbians…..

It happened incrementally. First some male would show up in women’s space woefully in his earrings and afghan, speaking in his soft falsetto. Lesbians, like most women socialized to be care-taking and non-confrontational, did not have the heart to kick him out. The air in the room changed with his presence. Women did not talk and joke in their usual relaxed manner. He didn’t know the difference. But the women did. They hoped he would not return. But he always did. Of course he did.

Gradually women’s meetings and groups stopped being advertised. They were moved to private homes. Public dances became private house parties. Women’s bars, record companies, spas, festivals, book stores closed. Lesbian websites were taken over until they were all run by “male lesbians”. Inch by inch, yard by yard, real lesbian culture went underground, private, smaller. Cultural pundits speculated this happened because we were integrating into the larger society where homosexuality was no longer taboo. Integrate! Integrate! Integrate! Who needs womon-space anyway? It will always be there if we want it. But inch by inch, yard by yard, men took over. Until it actually wasn’t there if we wanted it. Until we actually weren’t allowed to have lesbian space: women’s space. Malesprotested lesbian space, often physically.

They tried to shut down Michfest Womyn’s Music Festival by setting up an occupation where men (“male lesbians”) slashed tires, cut water lines, terrorized women by stalking the perimeter with illegal weapons, and blanketed the festival with pictures of their dicks inscribed with the phrase “A hot load from my monstrous tranny-cock embodies womanhood more than the pieces of menstral [sic] art your transphobic cunts could ever hope to create”. Transgender “male lesbians” tried to shut down rape crisis services. They tried to shut down the Take Back The Night marches. Male transgender “lesbians”, ten years ahead of the curve of real women in internet access and organizing, formed attack groups against lesbian and feminist websites and news outlets long before most real women even knew how to get online. They attacked lesbians at Dyke Marches carrying banners stating that homosexuality is “wrong”.

Anti-Lesbian Dyke March protest: “Gender is Greater Than Genitals”: Accept the Male Genitals you dumb dykes!!!

A male transgender named Ida (formerly Daniel) Hammer forced his way onto the organizing committee of NYC Dyke March even though he was partnered with another male. He then proceeded to organize a posse of other men and non-lesbians to surround and threaten lesbian feminists who were targeted for their history of advocating for lesbian gatherings and events without men. Hetero male trans successfully had lesbian films removed from film festivals (before they had even viewed them). They wrote to book publishers calling for censorship of lesbian feminist books that had not yet been published- or written. They joined forces with the same anti-woman“Men’s Rights” groups that Anders Behring Breivik was a member of to shut down feminist seminars. They stalked and harassed any women who performed or attended lesbian or women’s festivals or conferences and tried to get them blacklisted from other venues. They tried to destroy vendors servicing lesbian events. And the rape and death threats. Holy shit. The death threats, the stalking.

My first post here at GenderTrender never even mentioned trans but I had my first death threat from a “male lesbian” within 5 minutes of posting. Any post, any gathering, any group, any seminar, for lesbians or from a lesbian or female perspective will be assaulted immediately by heterosexual males that fancy themselves as “lesbian”. The lesbian community is ground zero for the men’s movement we call transgenderism because the number one goal and priority of the gender movement is the elimination of lesbian voices and culture…..

Reinforce the Cotton Ceiling:

“Apparently, there are some “trans women” who feel that they are entitled to sex with natural-born women. It make them very angry, frustrated and…well…angry that lesbians don’t want to have sex with them. This is all rooted in their firmly-held belief that — despite their male bodies, male DNA, male genitalia, etc. — they are REAL women and REAL lesbians. Ergo, any natural-born female who is a lesbian OUGHT to want to have sex with them.

These “trans women” look in their mirror and say, “I’m pretty, I’m a woman, I’m a lesbian, I want to have sex with THEM, why oh why won’t they have sex with me?”

If they bother to ask the question out loud (or on-line) to a natural-born female lesbian, she will say (of course) in so many words: “I’m a lesbian. I don’t have sex with men.”

This (of course) holds a HUGE mirror up in the faces of “trans women”. Simply by saying, “I’m a lesbian. I don’t have sex with men.” lesbians are also saying:

1) I don’t buy in to the myth that you are a REAL woman;

2) I don’t buy in to the myth that you are a REAL lesbian;

3) I don’t find your MALE body sexually attractive — at all — because I’m not sexually attracted to men; and

4) My sexual attraction to women is unassailable. There is nothing you can say, nothing you can do, no amount of surgery, make-up, elocution lessons, hormones, shoes, clothes, electrolysis, whatever that will change you into a person I would consider having sex with because…I’m a lesbian and you’re a man.

Men don’t like unassailable women. Unassailable women piss them off.

So. If you Google “the cotton ceiling” you’ll discover that some “trans women” ignited a storm of criticism directed at the Toronto branch of Planned Parenthood by organizing a workshop designed to teach other “trans women” how to “overcome the cotton ceiling” — with “the cotton ceiling” being lesbian panties (how rape-y is that?) — and the workshop (exclusively for males who identify as “trans women” who want to have sex with real women)  took place anyway, despite quite a bit of feminist objection and the VERY dim view that psychologically healthy women take of Planned Parenthood enabling workshops to teach men strategies for “overcoming” the sexual preference of lesbians.

The usual level of discourse one expects from “trans women” followed (lying about what really happened, death threats, violent hate-speech against feminists, histrionics about being The Most Oppressed Women On Earth, yada-yada) and here we are.

I recommend that every natural-born woman carefully examine the record of this entire debacle. I think any intelligent reader of the public (on-line) record will be left with little doubt that “trans women” as a group have never been and will never be allies, supporters or appropriate bed-partners for women. Whatever in the heck is wrong with these people (!) they are rendered incapable of seeing the truth:

However much they obsess about women, they will never, ever understand women and they will never, ever BE women.”

We’re all familiar with “The Cotton Ceiling” whereby heterosexual male transgenders advocate for the corrective rape of lesbians who “oppress” them by denying them sexual contact. Transgender cotton ceiling rapists hold male-only (Planned Parenthood sponsored) seminars, writebooks, host lecture tours, and endlessly spam lesbian websites and blogs with rape and murder threats over lack of male “inclusion” in lesbian social gatherings, lesbian organizing, lesbian events, lesbian music festivals, and – most importantly- lesbian bedrooms.

We never see homosexual male transgenders (M2T) hold seminars, write books, and spam rape and murder threats towards straight men who prefer not to have sexual contact with other men.

We never see homosexual female transgenders (F2T) hold seminars, write books, and spam rape and death threats towards straight women who prefer not to have sexual contact with other women.

“Transgender sex disorders are the leading indicator of criminal sexual behavior.”

The title “Fuck You, Kill You, Or Be You” is a quote from this man, who is such a woman. He says, about his doctor husband’s 23-year-old daughter:

“I irrationally hate this girl. I mean, not in the way most women hate other women, like admiring her proportions, wishing they were mine, that kind of thing. It’s almost like, “I fucking hate you because you got the life I always wanted.” It’s not a pass/don’t pass thing. She got the life I always wanted. The princess bedroom. The prom dress.

Seeing her is such a trigger for me. Like I said, my physical transformation is done. I’m usually pretty happy. My life is great. But when I see this girl I get so angry, and it’s a mix of what I said above and these overwhelming desires just to have angry, passionate sex with her.

I love football, but I couldn’t even enjoy the game. When I got home, I cried in the shower for about half an hour.God… The “Do I want to fuck you, kill you or be you?” envyragecrush. Yeah, that’s a thing. Not even just a trans thing, though I think we’ve probably got some special self-loathing twists of our own that we can put on it.

The only cure I know of is getting drunk, listening to Bikini Kill at high volume and dancing around in your underwear.

Reality test: Do you feel sorry for him or scared enough to hope you never meet him?

How many women who are trying to support men posing as women are getting raped?

The Gender of Rape

(obvious trigger warning)

Before I went on testosterone, I (thought I) became good friends with a trans woman. We met through the trans activist group on campus, and we started hanging out outside of the group because we seemed to have so much in common, despite the fact that “she” was about 35 and I was 20. I had been socially transitioning for about a year. “She” had been on estrogen for a few months, or something less than a year I think. We talked about trans issues a lot. “She” validated my pain over my parents disowning me and how it felt to be misgendered all the time and listened to me when I was suicidal. I saw us as having mirrored problems even though I realize now that we were in two very different situations. I trusted “her.”

At some point in the friendship, Z (the MTF) started sending me explicit texts letting me know that “she” was interested in me. I had no idea how to deal with that, so I just deflected “her” advances. I assumed “she” would stop after multiple “no”s, excuses, and a complete lack of interest in anything beyond friendship. I was afraid to be too harsh, because I didn’t want to hurt “her” feelings. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I couldn’t risk losing my main source of support, the one person who “understood” my problems and treated me like a man. No one else offered the same level of sympathy for my transsexuality, not even my girlfriend. No one else was willing to drive me an hour to the only other trans meeting in the area, or stay with me when my dysphoria got so painful I thought I needed to die. 

I called myself pansexual at the time, because that’s practically mandatory from inside the Gender Fog, and I also had been taught to see Z as nothing other than a woman. I felt guilty for my wary gut feelings about Z’s sex and had to overcompensate by validating “her” identity through trust that wasn’t earned and just giving “her” the benefit of the doubt. Not only did I have to treat “her” as a woman, but I had to navigate the friendship as a man would. There was no room for feeling threatened or listening to my feelings or for risking being transphobic. My subconscious unease about trying to see Z as female was negated by the fact that I thought gender shouldn’t matter and therefore attraction was based on the person, not the genitals. Either way, there was no way to rule Z out of being a potential date without my politics being questioned. If “she” was not at least a potential sexual partner for me, then I was a transmisogynist. Seeing this person as a woman meant not seeing Z as a threat, and even seeing myself as the person in a position of power because I identified as a man.

One night, Z came over after the trans group. My girlfriend was at the library and I was expecting her back sometime soon. Z cornered me multiple times, moving in, trying to kiss me. I kept telling Z that my girlfriend would be back soon and that she would be pissed if Z didn’t back off. I kept washing the dishes, not responding physically, attempting to change the subject. Z kept coming up behind me, putting “her” arms around me, whispering in my ear. I kept trying to move, but Z was much bigger and stronger and I didn’t want to start a physical struggle. I was trying to play calm even though I was very anxious.

At some point I left to go to the bathroom and when I came out Z cornered me further back in the apartment – in the bedroom. I was very uncomfortable, minimally responsive, and I said “no” in every way I could think of, making excuses in-between Z’s creepy advances. Even still, I didn’t want to hurt “her” feelings (cough-female socialization-cough.) Maybe I thought that somehow my identity could still be a shield.

It was all just a game to Z. “She” laughed off my protests. “She” tripped me down onto the mattress on the floor. “She” raped me.

Later, Z wrote an account of the events on “her” blog. Everything was backwards in Z’s version: I, the “man,” was the one making the advances. “She” quoted “her” words as mine. “She” presented “herself” as the passive sexual partner, and me as aggressive and dominant and pushy. Z wrote out the coercive atmosphere as erotica. Even the basic physical logistics were reversed.

The only detail that Z left out of the reversal was the part where the female in the situation fears being pregnant while waiting for her late period for a week.

This was not the only time Z hurt me. I continued to stay “friends” with “her” because I was isolated and I had a lot of needs I couldn’t meet. The mindfuck continued, because I was without language for “her” violence. “She” turned everything inside-out and defined what was real in many ways. When I initially saw Z’s account of the sexual encounter online, I just felt crazy. The violation escalated and went on for months.

For the next couple years, I struggled with this mental knot that could not be straightened out with the politically correct language or ideas. The aftermath was painful and difficult and I tried to find the words for what happened, but I had none within the trans paradigm. I was a “man” and “she” was a “woman.” I kept going around and around, but my brain was just locked in this wordless puzzle. I read online about cis men being “raped” by cis women, but that was not like what Z did to me. I wasn’t able to unravel this or tell anyone what really happened until I started moving out of the trans gender fog.

I have been afraid of saying anything even after finally understanding the reality of being raped by an MTF, because my words and my truth will inevitably be questioned. I wanted to write out part of my experience with this to add to the all-but-non-existent record of MTFs as dangerous men.

I never knew that this was a pattern with MTFs violating FTMs until I started talking to women who had left the trans community. I cannot identify out of rape. I was not a man when I was being fucked by this person using “her” dick as a weapon. I held no power. The trans ideology takes away my only way to portray this situation for what it was: another man hurting a woman. Rape is about power, and men hold power. Gender politics scramble the sexed pattern of violence.

Gender kept me from knowing what I already knew. I was more vulnerable to Z’s assault because defending myself would be twisted around as “male” privilege and transmisogyny, just like being raped was twisted around into being a typical sexually-aggressive “male.”

Gender isn’t some theoretical spectrum. When trans women talk about what it means to feel like a woman, this is what I think of: rape I am not allowed to even speak of. This is what it feels like to be a woman. Being FTM didn’t change the reality of sex-based violence for me, and the MTF who hurt me is no outlier. He is just another rapist.

Olympia WA School Officials: State Gender Identity provision overrides Title IX Equality for Girls Swim Teams

October 7, 2012

Two Washington State high-school Girls Swim Teams were stripped of their Federal Title IX rights by Olympia Washington School officials after the teens and their parents refused to allow the girls to shower with a middle-aged retired military man calling himself Colleen. The man was discovered in the women’s sauna by a high-school teen girls swim team. Parents refused to let their minor girls undress in front of him. As a result, local school officials have forced the girls into a small ancillary locker room space and given use of the women’s locker room to the male….

Francis, a white heterosexual male, compares his right to undress among juvenile girls to the Black Civil Rights Movement:

 “This is not 1959 Alabama. We don’t call police for drinking from the wrong water fountain,” said Francis.”

Colleen Francis is a 45 year old man who retired from the US Army after 20 years as a supply sergeant. Married three times, he has three adult children and two daughters aged 7 and 5. His cross-sex hormones are provided by VA Medical, as well as a cocktail of psychiatric meds, lithium and antabuse prescribed for a troubling history that he details at length on a blog at the “Transgender Lesbian Space”of the puddygirl dating site for women. He says he is known as “Fae Raven” (not to be confused with the UK fetish model of the same name) in the “BDSM Community” and describes himself as:

“I am polyamorous, bisexual (I very much favor women though, and my therapist calls me a lesbian…makes me smile) and kinky.”

He describes his VA funded estrogen treatments as making him “tired and very horny”

The VA also funds his education at Olympia WA Evergreen State College. Francis performed in the university presentation of Eve Ensler’s “The Vagina Monologues”, an experience he describes on his wordpress blog thusly:  I suddenly find myself in a community of Cunts.”

 He lists his life interests as: “drawing, cooking, transgender issues,polyamory, witchcraft, nature, fishing, art, poetry, ocean, women, sex, sexuality, emotions, magic, magick, goddess, reading, erotica, pornography, nudity, crafting, leatherwork, firearms, knives, swords, paganism, wicca, LGBT issues, beauty, gender issues, kink, spirituality, guns, makeup, shoes, boots, corsets, selkies” [sic]

and describes himself as at once a teen girl and a woman wise beyond her years.”

He says the first thing people notice about him is “I obviously stand out as the one who is not a genetic female.”

Colleen Francis 2012

“Transwoman” fights for experience of living in all-girls dorm

January 15, 2011


A 51 year old male, medically discharged from the Navy in 2008 “Went over to the female side they kicked me out” has decided to change his legal sex and has applied to live in the only all-girl dorm on the South West Texas Junior College Ulvade campus. John Brigman, now Jennifer Gellar says although he has a home in Ulvade he wants to “experience dorm life” in the only female dorm on campus. Gellar had a harassment complaint filed with police against him last march by one of the female students over an unfinished group project.  According to KSAT news: “Now undergoing counseling, Gellar also said she has not lost her temper since the other student “made me blow up a little bit and I started yelling at her.” Police Chief McDonald said Gellar was not charged because she later avoided that student as instructed by police.”

The teenage girls in the dorm are frightened “You have to kind of trust who your roommate is if you want to stay in that dorm, and I really don’t trust her. It’s not even about gender. She’s built like a man so automatically he’s going to be stronger than any of us.” They cited concerns about Gellar arising from the harassment incident with their friend. “I kind of blew up on her on that, but I never did touch her or anything, it was all words” the 51 year old Navy vet responded.

The girls also question why Gellar would want to live in their dorm when he has a home in Ulvade. “Basically so I can experience dorm life”, he stated.

“I’m just wishing that people would accept me for who I am.”

After deliberation, today Gellar was denied housing in the female dorm, and also limited to use of men’s restroom on campus. According to college spokesman Willie Edwards “Due to privacy concerns, we cannot go into the reasons behind this decision.”

Gellar’s response: ““Who said anything about it being over! Because of these girls, I’m now receiving national coverage. KSAT has done two stories on me, Uvalde Leader News has interviewed me and it should be in the Sunday paper, CNN and ABC is about to do a story on me; so who said it’s over! Those girls are making me famous!”
“I also forgot to mention that KTSA will do a live interview with me on Monday at 12:30″

“I do like attention, even if it is negative”

“Remember I’m now getting national exsposure just because of those sweet girls. Now I will become a household name.”


Wasn’t GLAAD supposed to be an organization that supported Lesbians and Gay men?  Aren’t Lesbians donating to GLAAD?

GLAAD celebrates a new LGBT hero on their website today: a heterosexual 50 year-old, six-foot-eight, 230 lb man embarking on his women’s junior college basketball career after having his California birth certificate changed to “female” on November 30.


ludwig 1

Five days ago Robert Ludwig was just a man with a dream. Since Friday, he has “become female”. Five days ago Robert was a past-his-prime male athlete. Today he is a “female” athlete embarking on a new career.

GLAAD (Gay and LESBIAN Alliance Against Defamation) champions the rights of middle-aged men to compete against 18 year-old female athletes in women’s sports, as long as those men have declared strong internalized beliefs in sex-based stereotypes.

ludwig 2

GLAAD strongly supports the rights of 50 year old heterosexual men to live out their fantasies parlaying male musculature into careers in women’s sports thirty years past their prime: but only if those men voluntarily adopt the sex-based stereotypes that are enforced without consent upon females. This is because GLAAD believes such sex-based stereotypes actually make women female. GLAAD does not support title IX rights for female persons, because GLAAD does not believe the female sex exists. Further, GLAAD does not believe in the worldwide reality of sex-based oppression of females, and actively lobbies against the rights of females to organize, meet, and compete based on sex. Instead, GLAAD believes in sex-roles. Blue is for boys, Pink is for girls.

In the USA Today article that GLAAD applauds, their hero Gabrielle Ludwig refers to the 18 to 20 year-old young women on the Mission College basketball team as “a bunch of dysfunctional lesbians”.

Ludwig goes on in the same article to dismiss a female player’s complaint that it is unfair that he is eligible to compete against her. He states: “They have been in this world 18 measly years. This 18 year old has not the slightest clue what life is about. It’s when they grow up. If that comment came from someone like you [male reporter Eric Prisbell] , that would sting and I would need to find a home for that comment.

The twice divorced father is an 8 year Navy and Desert Storm veteran now working as a Genetic Systems Engineer at Roche Molecular Diagnostics in Silicon Valley. Robert takes 12 credits of online community college coursework in order to qualify for the team. From the Mission College website: “We have excellent transfer programs and general education courses that will promote your journey to four year institutions and prepare you for higher level learning whether it is the California State System, the University System or a Private University. We also have exemplary signature programs that help to prepare you for the work force in many areas: Nursing, Fire Technology, Hospitality Management, and many others. Mission can provide classes that will catch you up in math, English, ESL or other areas that provide foundational skills to serve you in any future courses.”

GLAAD’s hero Gabrielle/ Robert John Ludwig played men’s college basketball 33 years ago. California Community College Athletic Association’s bylaws limit undergraduate athletes to two years of competition, but Robert’s time spent competing as a man was erased because it applied only to his male athletic career, not his “female” one.

What does the team coach think? From the Silicon Valley Mercury News: “In time,” said Corey Cafferata, her coach, “she will be the most dangerous player in the state.” “I think at 6-foot-8, if she does some work,” Cafferata said, “I don’t see why the WNBA wouldn’t draft her and give her a shot.”  

There is no requirement, a league spokesman said, for a WNBA player to be born female.

This Week in Men Shitting All Over Women’s Sports

November 2, 2011

Chris Tina Foxx Bruce is a failed bodybuilder, unable to qualify in male competition. He is also the latest crossdressing dude who thinks a brow-shave and some breast implants entitle him to shit all over female athletes by using forty years of testosteroned musculature and male frame to compete against females in, what else? Musculature. The 6 foot 1 inch father of two had to drop 40 pounds of muscle in order to qualify for entry into the Border States Classic Bodybuilding competition on Oct. 29th. I was too lazy to look for pictures, and as far as I could tell with a cursory search, he didn’t place in his first competition. This contest is a low grade physique competition which is more like a “fitness stripper” sort of display. These contests are highly policed for enforced sexualized femininity, which explains his interest. Nonetheless, this is yet another example of failed male middle aged athletes embarking on late-in-life competitive sports careers courtesy of women’s sports.

Contrary to the claims of Genderist advocacy organizations such as the National Center For Lesbian Rights (a former Lesbian advocacy organization now representing heterosexual males), males who take estrogen for a year or two don’t become female. Which is why we see guys like CTFB launching sports careers in middle age by exploiting female athletes. A legacy started by Renee Richards, who started a professional tennis career in his forties in women’s tennis after failing to qualify for men’s competition. (He now says that he was wrong to do so, and he is against transgender males competing in female sports).


Another real woman:

Reed Barrow: Stop Making Rape and Death Threats Against Lesbians, Feminists and Gays

July 26, 2012

hai, this battery pack leads to something up my ass.

Unbelievably creepy scary dude Reed Barrow aka Forrest Reed Barrow aka SissyKrystalTG, aka Sissy Krystal aka Sissy Reed Barrow aka SissyKrystalHot aka RedheadTransgenderedFox has been sending out threatening rape messages to women on Tumblr ALL NIGHT LONG.

Here is a small sample of his handiwork:

Barrow, 55, of Whitby Island in Clinton WA describes himself thusly:

“I’ve been Transgendered since 3 years old and this uniqueness I’ve been Blessed with has followed me thru my whole life. Most people aren’t sure what to think of Transgendered people or are scared of us, only because they have never been educated to the third gender ( Transgender ). I’m just like you in every since, except I enjoy dressing and being a female as often as i can, and I’m a complete sissy when I’m dressed.”

Under his real name, posting the same phone number that he uses for his business That Handy Man Guy (who the fuck would let this person into their home!) he describes how he trash picks used tampons and menstrual pads, sticks tampons up his ass, and dumpster-dives for soiled baby diapers whichhethen wears for his twisted erotic satisfaction…..

Reed haunting children’s playground.



He posts tons of photos of “the uniqueness he’s been blessed with” wearing pedomorphic female children’s undergarments and clothing and expresses his desire to publicly humiliate himself by adopting the clothing and mannerisms that he imagines young female children might enjoy. He considers himself as something of a minor “transgender celebrity” in the local Everett WA area where he haunts children’s playgrounds seeking attention from horrified young girls. This gives him erections, which he is very proud to discuss at every opportunity, under his real name online, as part of his “transgender rights”.

“..almost every person in the Seattle area knows that I’m a sissy baby and it has even spread to other states. Everyone tells 2 friends etc. etc.

so now every!! place I go people I’ve never met hold there nose when they see me. I never! poop in my diapers and I only pee in them. At first I was very bothered by the pointing and laughing, but as time has gone by I’m glad everyone knows I’m a sissy baby and I now go out in public all the time wearing the cutest sissy dresses you ever saw and I’m always wearing Pampers Cruisers 7t and nursery print plastic pants that you can very clearly see under my very short sissy dresses and petticoats.

No one has ever tried to hurt me yet! but I do get pointed at and laught at everywhere I go ,even in boy mode with no diapers on. And surprisingly very few people call me names, most people just tell me how cute I look and how pretty my dresses are. OK so I personally love the attention now! “

Under his real name, posting the same phone number that he uses for his business That Handy Man Guy (who the fuck would let this person into their home!) he describes how he trash picks used tampons and menstrual pads, sticks tampons up his ass, and dumpster-dives for soiled baby diapers which he then wears for his twisted erotic satisfaction.

Transwoman warrior

A Member of My Family Decided That He Was “Really A Woman”

‘Narcissus’ by Caravaggio 1597-99

A woman’s comment at GenderTrender:

I cannot believe I found this site! I’ve been reading the archives for a day and a half now, practically crying with joy that I’m not the only woman in the world who feels this way.

I’m not actually a radical feminist; I’m kind of not really a feminist at all (nor am I Christian). In fact, it never occurred to me that there was anything radical or “fringe” in, for example, thinking, “How do *you* know what being a woman feels like?” when a man claims he’s “felt like a woman all his life.” I never thought it was somehow radical to look back at my life and be insulted that some man who never dealt with any of the issues or situations in life that I or any/most/all other women dealt with thinks he knows what that was like, or in the idea that a woman is a collection of life experiences, feelings, and thoughts and not some sort of doll that is created out of the air. I was born a female; _growing up_ female made me a woman. When Julie Burchill wrote her column a few years ago I was thrilled, only to see other women–friends, some of whom were feminists, some of whom were lesbians, even–denigrating her. I agreed with every word she said.

I’m going to try to keep this short. I don’t want to drown you in words. But a member of my family–my stepfather-in-law–decided about fifteen years ago that he was “really” a woman. He claimed to have gotten tests that “proved” this. The effect it had on my MIL was devastating, not least because he had for years led her to believe that all of their problems, sexual and otherwise, were HER fault. That she was somehow inadequate as a woman, that she was unexciting, that she was too sensitive, that she just didn’t have the brains and sharp killer instincts of a man. Then he decided to be a “woman,” and fully expected her to stay married to him. He was very angry that she refused; what was wrong with her, that she wasn’t supporting him by remaining his wife and letting him stay in their marital home and teaching him how to apply make-up? Did she think she had a right not to be forced into a lesbian marriage (nothing wrong with lesbian marriage, of course, but it’s not really what most hetero women look for) or something?

All of this was infuriating for my husband and myself, as well as the FIL’s two children–his son moved to another country, he was so devastated by this. My FIL didn’t care. He’d run out and gotten himself hormones and told us how he felt so good all the time, almost high, and it was so amazing–it was less than six months after he made the decision and he’d already had the facial feminization surgery. He also decided that he didn’t feel like waiting the two years for the full reassignment surgery, so went to his elderly mother, convinced her to hand over the money that would be his inheritance (money my MIL was supposed to get an equal share of), and ran off to Prague to become a castrato with boobs. He then changed his name to one of the most stereotypical drag queen names you’ve ever heard (hint: it’s the name of a song mentioned in this thread, with a “St. ___” as the last name) and proceeded to meet up online with a bunch of other unsavory delusionists, with whom he’d go clubbing almost every night in full drag-queen-feminine-caricature regalia.

What’s funny–if by “funny” you mean “disgusting”–is that his behavior hasn’t changed one iota. There is nothing feminine about him, nothing womanly. He mansplains; he interrupts; he corrects; he expects my MIL (they have remained friends, and he goes to her place regularly for dinner) to cook for him and clean up after while he snores on her couch; he thinks everyone admires him. He thinks his mutilation and pseudo-woman persona makes him special and interesting.

(In the last year or two his health has begun to fail, and he at least once told my MIL he regrets the surgery. Well, that’s what happens when you decide indulging a sex fetish is going to fix all the things you don’t like about yourself as a person. It’s called gender reassignment surgery, not create-a-whole-new-person surgery. There’s a reason why a 2011 Swedish study found that 40% of post-op transexuals attempt suicide, and 10% of them succeed. Also, all those studies they like to trot out about the brains of M2T transgenders [did I use the term correctly?] being just like those of real women? Not only is that not completely accurate, but those were cadaver brains, the brains of dead post-op post-hormone transgenders. Who’s to say that years of hormones didn’t create those changes?)

It’s very clear to me and has been for years that this whole “woman trapped in a man’s body” thing is either a fetish or a psychological disorder/problem caused by childhood abuse. And I have more to say on that but this is already way too long, for which I apologize. I’m just so excited to finally be able to say this!

Oh, one last quick thing. Years ago I saw this TV documentary on trans surgery. I was absolutely dumbfounded when the post-op M2T mentions how he won’t know how it all turns out until he “pees out of his new vagina.” (Happens @40 minutes in.)

He’s just had surgery to give him a poor facsimile of ladyparts, and he is so ignorant about them that he thinks women urinate through their vaginas. THIS is how irresponsible and neglectful the doctors who “treat” these people are; they have mutilated his genitals without even once sitting him down with a diagram and showing him what a woman’s vulva actually looks like and what the parts of it do. He wants to be a woman–he claims he *is* a woman “inside”–but has so little curiosity, so little interest in the reality of a woman’s body, that he never bothered to learn for himself, either. It’s not like that information isn’t readily available; he just didn’t care enough, it seems, to take a few minutes to see what those genitals he apparently feels so wrong and sick without actually are. Because yeah, no real woman has any interest in what her genitals do. Roll eyes. Did he think the doctor was just going to fashion his skin into a sexy unicorn?

Anyway. Sorry for the length, and I hope I haven’t offended or upset you or jumped in where I’m not welcome. I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve read here so much. Thank you for letting me comment and for the stand you’re taking here.


Gas Mark Six

Here’s something I wrote when I was asked to speak alongside Sheila Jeffreys, who was speaking about her book “Gender Hurts”, about how transgenderism harms women. In the end, I didn’t say all this, but for those of you who are interested, here it is..

“For the longest of time I told no-one. It is only in the past few years that I have found the words to describe my experience. Thank you, Sheila Jeffreys, and the Radical Feminist community of bloggers for the gift of words.

I used to have an online friend (also a partner of a man who thought he was a woman) who likened the experience of being partnered to a transgender to the frog who is put into the pot of water and the heat gradually turned up till cooked – a deliberate programme of de-sensitisation as each limit is compromised or ignored, and each line in the sand crossed by these men in their “journey”. Another woman once told me that “You give a tranny an inch, he will take a mile”…how true that turned out to be.

When I first met him, he spoke to me about what he called his “strong feminine side”. He confided in me that he was an occasional transvestite and that it had ruined a few relationships where girlfriends had inadvertently “found out”, or had rejected him when he told them. He told me he had a very low sex drive and instead preferred to just cuddle and kiss. That he felt more comfortable around women. He told me that he DIDN’T WANT TO BECOME A WOMAN, that he didn’t know where the urge to “dress” came from, other than a need to express what he felt were his “feminine feelings” and an attraction to pretty things. He told me he had been doing this since he was about 11 or 12….remember that detail.

I felt special that he would confide this in me.

It was only later that I realised that he considered those conversations as “GIRL TALK”. He likes “girl talk”.

I couldn’t really grasp those “feminine feelings” he spoke of, since I had never really experienced my sense of self in that way. I thought women who bought into it were un-informed – certainly none of my friends were like that. I hadn’t worn heels since I was a teenager. I never wore make up. I was a conscientious objector to the femininity game.

But I believed at the time that these guys are living proof that GENDER IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT. Men and women should be able to wear whatever they want, without the silly distinction of ”male clothes” or “female” clothes. To hell with gender norms….I thought it could be “edgy” and “alternative”.

Within a few weeks of him moving in, I realised that this was much, much more than just an occasional bout of self-expression for him. It was obsessive, and it had an ENORMOUS sexual component. Dressing episodes (which were at least three or four times a week) were invariably followed by “sex” (which consisted of me masturbating him by rubbing his tucked penis as he lay on his back squeezing his fake tits). On top of that, I often walked in on him masturbating. The mirror in my bedroom was moved to his side of the bed…

There wasn’t a time when he “dressed” and didn’t get an erection. Even after he started taking internet bought hormones. If anything, the thought that he was chemically transforming himself into “a woman”, held immense erotic charge for him.

He was a textbook autogynophile.

It transpired that he was also a “submissive” – a very common component of this particular paraphilia – and that nothing got him off more than being “forced” to be “a woman”. Of course “woman” meant submissive, passive, always “willing to please”…..He would work this into our “sex life” either overtly or covertly.

After a time, it was impossible to ignore that I was no more than a prop in this game. I could have been anyone really. I didn’t even have to exist. As significant as a gravy stain on the table. Many of the women I spoke to in what limited support groups I could find complained of the same thing. Not just the sex part, but the entire being invisible part, and a deafness to *OUR* needs, views, or opinions.

I discovered that he was an obsessive user of porn, particularly “shemale” porn, and BDSM fare. I had been very clear with him about my opinions on porn, and was sickened when he tried to get me to participate in looking at these men.

Time and again he would promise to stop, only to be discovered again. He would swing between crying and begging forgiveness and bold-facedly challenging me, saying it was ME that had a problem, that no-body else thought like me, ridiculing my objections and my politics, or telling me that I was paranoid, – even though the evidence was staring me right in the face.

He had no intention of stopping. A lot of his behaviours seemed compulsive, obsessive.

I discovered that he was using dating and sexual hook-up sites, saying that he was a full-time transsexual, going through the Real Life Test, willing to relocate anywhere for the right lady (of any gender – wink, wink). There was no end to his inventiveness when it came to lying about who he really is.

Using his smartphone, he created an online world for himself by inventing a fictitious life. I discovered that he had a secret Facebook profile, and scores of photographs of himself in varying degrees of undress– I am convinced that trannies invented that selfie – and that he had a coterie of dozens and dozens of young women between the ages of 17 and 24 who believed that he was a full-time transsexual, single, and struggling with finding a job in this cruel discriminatory society. He had a fictitious home life, fictitious job or non-job, a fictitious social life and fictitious friends. He even fabricated a “trans bashing” – this, I found particularly repulsive.

He loved sympathy and attention, and “validation” – even if it meant lying and manipulating to get it. The young women were so “Go girl!” and “Awww poor you”, toward him. Some of them called him “big sis” and took their problems to him. Otherwise it was giggly conversations about clothes and what colour to die their hair that week, musings about becoming a stripper or a fetish model, and complaining about getting “slut shamed”.

Oh yes, he liked his women faux feminist to match his faux existence.

I was outraged that he would be so bold-facedly lie to these young women and demanded that he STOP. He cried, saying , “But these are my frieeeends…”. Ignoring the fact who THEY thought was their friend is A WORK OF FICTION.

Then again, it’s not as if women are actually *real* to these men.

Of course he didn’t stop. It carried on as if I hadn’t said anything. Even the several times I asked him to leave were ignored.

He would just get up the next day as if nothing had been said.

I felt I was being driven insane.

My sense of self, and my belief that I was entitled to set limits or boundaries was gradually eroded as the TRANS STUFF came to dominate and shape every corner of my life. I never knew where or when the next assault to my psyche was going to come, and so I existed for a long time in a state of hyper vigilance. That is, until such time as my ability to dissociate kicked in.

I know from observing trans support groups that many of these men say, “My wife is fine with it – she just doesn’t want to talk about it or see it”.

Many women are surviving through disassociation.

Let’s not forget that a well-orchestrated and financed propaganda machine surrounds these men. It has the effect of silencing not just those of us who oppose on ideological principles, but all women who are within these relationships who question the idea that these men are ” women trapped inside men’s bodies “, or who’s lives have been ripped apart by these men.

I know from bitter experience of reaching out, that the primary concern is for the welfare of the trans partner, who must never be questioned as the most oppressed creature to walk this planet.

This is a double whammy to those women experiencing abuse, intensive gaslighting, and erasure of their right to name their reality and to set boundaries. Thee is no such thing as a line in the sand when it comes to trans desire. He gota have what he gotta have.

Even within mainstream services, support for female partners is tempered by the need to be sensitive to the needs of the transgender partner, and to avoid being seen as discriminatory. My doctor was happy to give me anti-depressants, but les happy to countenance the idea that what I was being put through was abuse.

Increasingly, statistics on DV within same sex partnerships count the trans partner as “female”. There is an invisiblising of male violence within these relationships, and women are suffering as a consequence. We are silenced. We are shamed. We are ereased.

A Scottish Government funded survey carried out by the Scottish Transgender Alliance (funded by the Scottish Government since 2007), is often cited as evidence of how very bad it is for trans women, who would appear to experience rates of abuse higher than actual women. Apparently a small, self-selecting sample is no barrier to credibility, nor is the fact that one of the crireria for abuse included “misgendering”. It is of no surprise to me that some women (partnered to a man for some years) might slip up occasionally and forget to call their Steven “Stephanie”, yet this is a heineous act of abuse – apparently. Yet there are no surveys I am aware of, of abuse perpetrated *by* trans “women in relationships. I find this a telling omission.

It often feels like no one want’s to hear the woman’s story.

For example, at one point (as a means to at least get him to LISTEN to my distress) I begged him to seek relationship counselling with me. Apart from the fact that he used the trips to the counsellor as an exciting opportunity to dress in public, and spent more time stressing about what to wear (sometimes even buying entire new outfits), than any time in self-reflection, the counsellor spent an inordinate amount of time focusing on MY inability to “accept” rather than on HIS behaviour .

In one session she grasped on to an incident of “misgendering” that had happened in her presence (I had said something like “Why can’t he understand?”). He had fled from the room in a dramatic tizzy of tears. She stated to me in a firm voice that she is prohibited from working with couples where there is domestic abuse. In other words, I was being accused of being an abuser. This almost drove me mad with pain and self-doubt …what if it really is me? Am *I* an abuser?

I can’t begin to describe the pain this caused me. I carried that comment with me for months.

I refused to go back. He was disappointed that his daylight trips outdoors with his repulsive “cleavage” showing were curtailed. However it did give him an excuse to now appropriate the identity of “abused woman”.    Sickening.

I was started to drop or loose female friends. I would be hesitant about going out with them or inviting them over: particularly with him around. He would laugh and giggle with them and I knew that in his head he was imagining he was having “GIRL TALK” with them, and the fact that *they didn’t know* that they were unwittingly playing a part in his fantasy life made me feel nauseous, and guilty, so I stopped meeting female friends with him around.

Then I pretty much stopped seeing female friends at all, since when I tried to go anywhere without him, (telling him that it was “women friends only ”), he would pout and huff and often cry, “It’s because I have a penis, isn’t it?”. When I was away from him he would text and phone me constantly. When I got in he was nasty to me.

I was growing afraid of him.

It was easier just to forget about having friends.

So my world became smaller and smaller as his “exploration of his feminine side” took up more and more space until there was little room left for anything else. It dominated every conversation and extended to physical space too. By the time he left, my clothes storage was down to half a drawer and a box under the window.

Even everyday purchases were fraught with meaning and reminders of my erasure. I remember having an argument in Superdrug over toothbrushes. There was only one pink toothbrush left, and I don’t know what came over me but I decided that fuck him, I am having the pink toothbrush. He “helpfully” pointed out the purple ones, and the blue ones that matched the bathroom. But no. I was having the pink one and I was going to win this tiny victory even if all the shop assistants were looking at me like I had lost my marbles.

We needed a phone. He said he would take care of it. That he had seen just what we needed. He came home with this….


I couldn’t bear to bring it up to my ear. My flesh crawled very time it rang.

I thought that perhaps if he had an outlet, the lies and stuff would stop. Lots of partners go through a similar “bargaining” phase. The gas under my pot was turned up to full.

So I agreed to escort him to a tranny club.

I secretly wanted to see if there would be other women there. I needed to find out if this behaviour is *normal* for trannies, and if there is anything that women had found that made their lives with these men more bearable.

He would be beside himself with excitement at going out “en-femme”. I could see his hard on starting from the moment he got out of his leisurely bubble bath (my bath’s were always rushed and fitted in around his dressing schedule). Getting ready was a ritual that took at least two hours. Of course, I was expected to “help”. I’m pretty sure now that he was working that into one of his fantasies he had running on loop in his head.

Often trips were abandoned due to some smudged nail polish, or similar “feminine disaster” that would have him stomping around in an agitated state sweating through his make-up, crying and shouting at me. Ordering me around like some demented potentate. Six foot trannies with chipped nail polish can be pretty scary, believe me.

The tranny club comprised of men, in very short, very tight “little black dresses” (had they co-ordinated this? I thought), high heels, a variety of wigs (probably two third of them, long and blonde) and a weird atmosphere I couldn’t quite put my finger on. There were other men there too (not in dresses). They sort of lurked, and leered, most of them not actually talking to the men in dresses, but often sending a drink over for one of them, followed by a raised glass and a wink from their corner – the men in dresses responding with a coquettish smile and a simpered “Thank you”. I found out later that most of the men in dresses were doing each other and calling themselves “lesbians”. I know this, because I found the photographs.

And they had a certain gleam I their eye…

Amy Bloom, in her article from 2002, Conservative Men in Conservative Dresses, wrote :

“The greatest difficulty people have with cross-dressers, I think, is that cross-dressers wear their fetish, and the gleam in their eyes, however muted by time or habit, the unmistakable presence of a lust being satisfied or a desire being fulfilled in that moment, in your presence, even by your presence, is unnerving.”

The penny finally dropped for me about what I was witnessing…

Another boundary being violated – the boundary that says “Don’t make me a part of you sexual kick, buddy”.

The experience of getting out in public seemed to turbo charge the tranny-ing at home.

Give an inch, take a mile.

When the kids weren’t around, his idea of relaxing at home was to potter about in a micro-mini and high heels, affecting a “sexy wiggle” and doing this weird thing with his hands and wrists when he spoke. I told him that women don’t go about dressed like they were about to nip down to a disco *all the time*.

He told me that he had seen “loads” of women that do, and that anyway, he liked the “council house tart” look.

I was always arguing with him about what women *actually* wore, and how sexist his stereotypes of women were, but he would insist that he was dressing like any other “girl” (despite the fact that he is a 47 year old man).

Other looks he liked were –

The “rock chic” look – think Cher in that video on the aircraft carrier. No jeans and band T shirt for this gal!

The “hooker” look – I’ll leave that to your imagination.


The “beauty counter girl” – Extra heavy make-up and an old lab coat worn over a bra, pants, suspender-belt and stockings ensemble. I caught him once, sneaking back into the house like that at 5 in the morning after a “constitutional”. Apparently he had been taking “constitutionals” for months , sneaking out while I was asleep. Trannies are expert ninjas as well as exhibitionists.

For all his faux “girly-ness”, the feminine side never extended to practical, everyday stuff that most adults have to do to get by – like helping with housework. He literally told me “I can’t do housework because I might break a nail – my long nails are important to me”.

Turned out he couldn’t carry heavy bags or lift heavy stuff either, cos he wanted his upper body muscles to wither away so he would be “more like a girl”. I told him lots of women have muscles. He told me that wasn’t “the kind of woman” he wanted to be. Of course not – how nice it must be to get to pick and choose.

He spent thousands and thousands of pounds on clothes, make-up, “beauty products”, laser hair removal and internet hormones. I still can’t see a television ad for make-up without an involuntary shiver down my spine.

He would go months without giving me any contribution to the home. Apparently he had “expenses”, and anyway, I wouldn’t have sex with him, so why should he?

The day came when he told me that he had “done an online test” and that he was “definitely a transsexual”. Self-diagnosis by internet is the tranny stock in trade. I was alarmed because I knew to the core of myself that these men are categorically not women. That I could never accept him as a woman. Like Sheila Jeffreys says, “woman is an honourific term”.

His story began to change in subtle ways – aided by his community of internet advisors. Now he said he had been dressing since three years old. He now had distinct memories of wishing he was a girl from around the age of five.

Many hundreds of pounds in laser hair removal and black market internet hormones later, and I was left struggling with a six foot, 14 stone hulking man with “breasts” , liable to incandescent rages one minute and tears the next. I was terrified. I began to hate him. No way was I going to wipe his arse if he had a stroke.

I was repulsed by him, his insulting attempts to emulate “femininity” and his freakish body. Being touched by him, even by accident, made my skin crawl.

I was disgusted at myself for allowing this to happen to me. I was drowning in shame. I was sinking fast.

I tried finding help online, but nobody wanted to acknowledge that these delusions are harmful. Rather, I was told * I* had to be educated, that *I* was “phobic”, that I should learn to embrace this. Women were telling me this as well as the trans borg.

Had feminism changed so much? What had happened to the idea of women being central to feminism? Why can’t women see that these are men???

I was told  that I was “homophobic” AS WELL AS “transphobic” because I refused to call myself a lesbian. WHAT?? He is a man!! What madness was this???

I went to the doctor and was given anti-depressants. Nobody wanted to hear about my problem with the trans. I was told that “she” must be suffering too.

I went to the LGBT centre and asked if they had a group for partners of transitioning males. The young man looked at me, puzzled, “Um, well we have a group for trans women and their friends and families…isn’t that enough?” he asked. I tried to explain why maybe it wasn’t a good idea for women who were struggling in their relationship with a male partner who was insisting he was now a woman for those women to be discussing their problems with their male partner in* the* same* fuckin* room*…..crickets. Eventually he said he would ask the tranny group what they thought. If they were OK with it, then they would “think about it”. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out their response…. More men telling women what they can and cannot do.

Women are often reluctant to talk about this. Whether from a sense of shame or embarrassment, or because we have seen the harassment and invasion that takes place against women who have spoken out publicly. Most commonly though, because we are GROOMED AND OBLIGATED TO CARE.

One of the saddest things for me, was that when I contacted the few women who I had met along the way (and who I knew to have been put through a variety of torments) to ask them if they would consent to an interview for Gender Hurts, they declined, stating that they didn’t want to be “disloyal”, or for [him] to find out that they had been talking to anyone outside of a tightly proscribed circle. Some didn’t want to risk being ejected from some of the only spaces they have to talk about this – compromised by male oversight though they may be.

It gets to be exhausting, pointless and depressing.

I know that for many, the greatest state of emergency will be what seems to be the almost unstoppable trend of lesbian women who are “transitioning”, and destroying their beautiful, healthy female bodies in the process – as well as erasing their lesbian herstory and identity.

I feel a deep sorrow for this state of affairs, and when I have read descriptions of what women put their bodies through, and the details of the surgeries that some go on to seek, my heart sinks at how self-hating, how female hating this is. It is misogyny written upon the bodies of women, and it is truly terrible.

The trend for “transgender children” is particularly horrifying and is evidence of how damaging the essentialist idea of “gender” that is promulgated by the Transgender cult is.

In speaking about my own experience, I hope that you understand that I don’t wish to minimise those states of emergency, and hope that what I have said will be taken in the context of how male privilege and entitlement in the guise of transgenderism, is driving a movement that has, and will continue to hurt all women as long as our voices are silent, and women remain unsupported to escape from these men, and to make sense of their oppression.

I believe that what women go through in these relationships is a form of emotional violence, and that work needs to be done to raise awareness among not just the wider public about what really goes on within many of these relationships, but also services that support survivors of male violence.

This is not “woman on woman” relationship abuse, and should not be treated or recorded as such. We should not be afraid to see this for what it is – male entitlement. Male violence.

No woman who is being abused needs to be told to have compassion for her abuser.

Women’s enforced compliance with male delusions, needs to recognised for what it is.




I’m standing up and saying ENOUGH. “

Jezebel Headline: “Female Adult Baby Wears Diapers 24/7″ —  Except that once again, this is not a woman, but a particularly repulsive and annoying 25 year-old-man….  Why do these men, like the “trans-paraplegic” keep being called “women” or “female?”


Betrayed by the National Center for Lesbians Rights:

Lesbians Are WOMEN !

January 5, 2011

Some of us have been murmuring for some time about how skewed the priorities of some organizations claiming to represent LESBIAN WOMEN have become….

Is THAT a picture of a lesbian?

THAT is a picture of a mass murderer. His name is Richard Speck. He murdered eight nurses. In prison he claimed he had turned transgender and was “actually” a female. He wanted a “sex change”.

How high on a list of LESBIAN Priorities should Richard Speck’s desire for a taxpayer funded sex change be? How important is it to YOU, as a LESBIAN, that this mass murderer gets a free sex change? Would you donate funds to help him do so? Would you want a major LESBIAN organization to make his desires a PRIORITY? Would you want an organization to do so while claiming to represent LESBIANS?

Well, the National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR) has made it a priority. A LESBIAN priority that criminals like Speck have a CIVIL RIGHT to taxpayer funded gender reassignment, even if they have NEVER expressed a transgender urge prior to their incarceration. And this is a priority for a Lesbian WOMEN’s organization WHY exactly? What ARE the priorities of the National Center for Lesbian Rights?

Here is a list of all active pending cases on the NCLR case docket posted on their website, as I understand them:

-an amicus brief submitted in a lesbian case challenging Florida’s ban on adoption by lesbians and gays. (The case was represented by pro-bono attorneys, not NCLR, so here the NCLR submitted a brief in a case relating to an actual lesbian, not a case they represented however.)

-Lawsuit filed to force prisons to provide incarcerated trans criminals taxpayer funded hormones and surgery. Free sex changes for incarcerated transgender people who “come out” after incarceration. As wards of the state, convicted criminals should be entitled to taxpayer funded hormones and surgeries that are not provided for law abiding citizens.

-Lawsuit filed claiming heterosexuals are being discriminated against, by being excluded from gay men’s softball leagues. Seriously. This is who the NCLR is representing. Can’t make this shit up.

-amicus brief filed in case of Egyptian gay man seeking asylum from anti-gay mistreatment in a country where gay men can be arrested for homosexuality.

-asylum case for Mexican transgender identified person who received alleged harassment because of claiming to be a sex incongruent with that on birth certificate.

-asylum case for gay Pakistani male.

-amicus brief filed in case of Pakistani hetero male who alleges he was detained by the FBI due to religious profiling of muslims in terrorism investigations.

-assisting a pro bono attorney who is representing an asylum case for Bosnian lesbian.

-lawsuit against Cherokee Nation representing lesbian married couple.

-asylum for another Mexican transgender person.

That’s it. As I understand it those are the open pending cases represented by the NCLR.

Well what else do they do?

NCLR Sports Project issued a report in 2010 warning that women’s sports teams discriminate against males and that failure to permit males to compete against females in female sports may result in “costly litigation”. The NCLR press report was issued in October when a 57 year-old male who beat out all the female competitors (average age 30) to win the women’s world championship for long-drive golf sued the LPGA for his “right” to compete against women. The NCLR supported this action and does so by misrepresenting themselves as being a lesbian WOMEN organization. The NCLR appears to believe that women’s sports leagues infringe on the CIVIL RIGHTS of males. The 57 year-old male may be the first competitor in history to embark on a new professional sports career at such an advanced age.

It’s hard to IMAGINE that a lesbian rights organization would make the rights of males to play women’s sports their highest priority, much less the “rights” of male criminals to receive taxpayer funded sex changes, or the “rights” of heterosexuals to play on gay softball leagues, but this is what the NCLR is concerned with. Only three of the ten active pending lawsuits listed on the NCLR website concern lesbians, and two of them are not actually being represented by the NCLR. So, one out of ten.  Three transgender cases (two male one female), two gay male, two hetero male.

It’s time for the National Center for “Lesbian” Rights to change their name to better reflect their priorities. “National Center for MALE Rights”?  “National Center for Queer Rights” perhaps?

After all, the ex-lesbian legal director of NCLR has stated “…there is a community of lesbians and transmen who are just kind of merging into one social group…”. NCLR seems to believe that the concerns and priorities of lesbians (who are women) are indistinct from the concerns and priorities of men (the legal director considers herself a man, so that may explain her male-centrism and misogyny). Like many transgender persons the legal director seems to believe that all discrimination against gays and lesbians is due to their perceived gender-nonconformity, and therefore the concerns of the LGB can be subsumed, borg-like, by the transgender political movement. What such a philosophy fails to take into account is that……wait for it…..Lesbians are WOMEN. Fancy that! Political objectives and legal priorities for WOMEN are entirely different- and often at odds with- those of MEN. Go figure! Who’d a thunk it???

So if anyone wrote out a year-end donation to the NCLR- quick put a stop payment on it. Don’t support an organization that colonizes lesbians and takes our money and works for the “rights” of Richard Speck, and straight men, and males who want to start professional sports careers at the age of 57 in women’s leagues.

And don’t buy the women’s underwear that NCLR sells to raise funds.

And tell ALLLLL your friends and neighbors how the NCLR does NOT represent your LESBIAN interests.


Increasing Numbers of Murders and Assaults Attributed to Women Actually Committed By Men Claiming to be Women —

Then these men want taxpayers to pay for their “sex changes” and be transferred to women’s prisons.


Why Court Ordered Sex-Changes for Prisoners are Bad for Women ––  September 6, 2012

Robert Kosilek, Wire Killer, Life Without Parole

David E. Megarry Jr. raped female children. He raped lots of them. He started in his teens. He liked to torture them. He was locked up as a teen for multiple violent torture rapes of female children. But he got out. When he was 21 he was apprehended for abducting a ten year old girl, forcing her into his car, abducting and driving her into the woods known as Lombardi’s Grove in Milford, Mass. where he tied her up, gagged her, raped her, and left her for dead. Behind bars for child rape he got 64 infractions on his disciplinary record. He was caught making obscene phone calls to children from prison. He was found hoarding pictures of female children in his cell. At this time he decided he was transgendered. He got extensive prison tats of naked women and began wearing smuggled “female” undergarments. He started calling himself Sandy Jo: Sandy Jo Battista. In 1995 he had his name legally changed to Sandy Jo Battista from his cell at the all male Massachusetts Treatment Center for Sexually Dangerous Persons facility where he lives under civil commitment without limit of sentence due to his legal status as a “Sexually Dangerous Person”.

In 2005 “Sandy Jo”, filed suit against the Massachusetts Department of Corrections asserting his “right” for cross-sex hormones that would allow him to grow breasts. Global business law firm McDermott Will and Emory, who represent 50% of global business interests worldwide, decided to devote their required pro-bono hours to him. They brought all their power and interests to bear and devoted years and thousands of hours to representing his interest in medically acquiring superficial female sex characteristics. Last year he won his case which created precedence for the rights of male predators to access feminizing medical treatments funded by taxpayers while serving time.

Strangulation murderer and fellow Massachusetts inmate Robert Kosilek, serving life sentence without possibility of parole, paid close attention to this ruling. Kosilek had been filing multiple cases against the Department of Corrections for over a decade. Since he first murdered his wife. He did not enjoy the prison experience, and with no possibility of parole, filing lawsuits was his passion.

Kosilek in various cases over the last twelve years of his incarceration won access to cross-sex cosmetic medical hormone treatment, the right to wear clothing now legally regarded and classified by federal court as appropriately sex-role stereotypical for females, make-up/face paint now regarded and classified by federal court as female appropriate, electrolysis hair removal, and annual mammograms for the breasts created by his feminizing hormone regime. He has not yet filed cases for breast implants or facial feminization surgery. In 2005 he filed a case claiming that withholding taxpayer funded feminizing cosmetic surgery violated his Eighth Amendment right of protection from cruel and unusual punishment.

Yesterday a federal judge, U.S. District Court Chief Judge Mark Wolf agreed with this premise. And he issued a precedent setting ruling for men like Kosilek and “Sandy Jo” Battista. He issued the first court-ordered tax-payer funded surgical “sex change” for a prisoner in the United States. This precedent setting ruling, while lauded by transgender activists, represents a very unfair discriminatory outcome for females. Especially female prisoners.

“‘The idea that I might be a lesbian because I liked being with, being held by, and kissed and cared for by other girls never even came into my conscious mind until I was 57 years old.’ – Robert Kosilek”    Into the Mind of Kosilek: Grace’s Daughter – a Book Review  — April 9, 2013


Transgender Serial Killer Donna Perry blames murders on former “male identity”

March 20, 2014

Donna Perry Today
Photo credit: Nina Culver

Serial Killer suspect Douglas “Donna” Perry is back in Spokane after completing his Federal sentence on weapons charges. Perry faces triple murder charges for the slayings of Yolanda Sapp, Kathleen Brisbois and Nickie Lowe in 1990. He is still under investigation for other murders. According to court documents filed in January, a cellmate of Perry claimed he confessed to murdering a total of nine women who had been exploited by men into prostitution. He killed them because they had the ability to have children and were “wasting it being pond scum.”

I Am Not A Man- Goodbye Frank Spisak  February 16, 2011

by Miss Frances Anne Spisak

“I am not a man! I reiterate: I am a girl and I want to be recognized as one!! The state of Ohio is FORCING me, against my will, to remain transsexual. Prison officials refuse to provide me with the medical treatment I need to become a woman! Ohio is withholding female hormornes from me, and denying me the surgery needed to correct my disorder. Ohio is forcing me to be masculine in appearance and gender. I am being deprived of autonomy and my rights as a United States citizen! I have first amendment rights to be a woman!….”

[Frank Spisak was a 59 year-old Neo-Nazi Serial Murderer who in 1982, over a period of six months, murdered three Black men in cold blood, shot another 7 times (who survived), tried to shoot a woman in the back after she fought off his assault and attempted rape in a women’s bathroom on a college campus, and tried to kill a man whom he thought to be Jewish.

B,B,But Trans Activists Say This NEVER Happens #86

November 2, 2011

Total fucking scumbag baby rapist Thomas Lee Benson claiming his “internal gender identity” made him dress up like a woman and plonk himself into a hot tub full of little girls in the women’s locker room, even though he is a designated predatory sex offender for raping elementary school girls, and forbidden to be near children. There’s a puke inducing extended interview with the babygirl rapist at the bottom of this link, if you have the stomach for it.

Try this link if you want to see Trans defending him in the comments. Even more puke inducing.

The rapist pedophile goes on in the interview about how he trolls Lesbian bars because he’s obsessed with having sex with women who don’t want to have sex with him. He wants to have sex with Lesbians who don’t know he is male. Guess he trolls elementary school girls for rape and switches it up with targeting some Lesbians.

CCWF: Stop male inmate Richard Masbruch from being housed in a Women’s Facility

July 20, 2012


Who is Richard Masbruch? Masbruch is a career criminal and serial torture-rapist who ties women up at gunpoint and splices together multiple electric cords which he then uses to torture, electrocute and shock his victims before raping and sodomizing them.

This week the family members of women being housed at the Central California Women’s Facility began an urgent campaign for the removal of male serial torture-rapist Richard Masbruch from the female population. Anna Silver of Los Angeles has started a petition upon hearing the news that Masbruch is about to be transferred to her mother’s unit.

From the petition:

Today as I answered my Mothers phone call she spoke to me and sounded slightly more upset than usual, normally she tells me she misses me. Today she told me that Richard Masbruch would be housed at CCWF. He would be the first male to be housed in a womens facility. Not only would he be housed there he would also be housed within her unit 514. Richard Masbruch is a Serial Rapist. During his time in Mens prison after his arrest he cut off his penis, claiming to be transgender. Due to inmates being unable to be interviewed what wasn’t revealed was that Masbruch is in fact still raping women within the facility, just now with foreign objects. He has also brutally injured some of the women within the facility.Please sign my petition against Richard being allowed in a women’s facility of any kind, so that he may return to a male penitentiary. It would not only help me and my mother but any woman in any facility. Thank you for your help and have a wonderful day.


                                                       Anna Silver


Benson Mugshot

From the Toronto Sun:Christopher Hambrook, who claimed to be a transgender woman named Jessica, is a serial rapist who sexually assaulted and terrorized women after being placed in Toronto area Women’s Shelters. He has attacked four females between the ages of five and 53 in Montreal and Toronto over the past 12 years.

(Dana McCallum considers himself a “male lesbian” and at least one media source has already run the headline “Lesbian Twitter Engineer Charged With Raping Wife”. McCallum has been an outspoken anti-woman activist, referring to feminists as “wackos”, and participating in the transgender “#Fuck Cis People” twitter campaign (“cis” is a transgender community slur for “biological females”).

From a German feminist: In Germany, M-F transgendered go to women prisons. There was a man who killed two women, and when sentenced, “discovered his female side.” He took hormones, and “transitioned,” which cost the tax payer 40.000 Euros, around $60000. He then almost killed a female CO, dragging her into his cell. He is still in a women’s prison. Then he stopped taking hormones, in order to “become a man again,” and is growing a beard. He is still in a women’s prison. The other female inmates are probably all transphobic, because they’re scared to death of him. And this is not the only case. Calling the fears and concerns from women “transphobic,” is a slap in the face. Thirty-seven years ago, when my best friend was thirteen, she was raped in a restaurant restroom. Why doesn’t her fear count? Not all men are rapists, but still they are not allowed to enter women’s toilets for a reason. We don’t know men’s intention since it’s unpredictable. In clubs where alcohol and drugs are used, it’s extremely frightening. I don’t know what’s going on with strangers that have male sexual organs, and I don’t want to sit beside them with my pants down. So please let us have our own space.


“Woman” arrested for bestiality ? News Media fictionalizes sex of crime suspect

April 26, 2014

woman 1


woman 2


Jezebel false report

I’ve said this before: when stories emerge in the media about women who live asfake mountain-climbing paraplegics or live as adult babies in diapers shoving marshmallows up their ass, or who are cited with multiple felony rape charges, or who are accused of multiple sadistic sexual serial murders, or in this case, are arrested for bestiality for fucking horses, there is an EXTREMELY good chance the perpetrator in question is actually a man, who is falsely reported as female on the grounds that said male is a transgenderist. News agencies and incompetent journalists like David Moye at the Huffington Post now falsely report male crimes and male perpetrators as female, if the male in question is a member of the genderist belief community. From the PhoenixNewTimes:

The ad on Craigslist, which is still active at the time of this post, was listed on April 8, and states:

I am 22 years old and I want to play with a male Horse. simple as that. If you have access to a Male horse, and can allow me access to a male horse, then contact me please 😉 I will do something in return.

Detectives were able to identify the poster as 22-year-old Donald Waelde, according to MCSO.

Another Craigslist visitor, who had a “genuine interest in horses,” contacted the MCSO out of disgust, according to the Sheriff’s Office.

According to an MCSO spokesman, “In the undercover investigation, Sheriff’s deputies contacted the suspect and engaged Waelde in conversation where the suspect stated the sex act he wished to perform on the horse and agreed to meet the undercover detective on Tuesday.”

The detective actually went to the meeting place in Anthem with a horse, borrowing one from the MCSO’s Mounted Posse.

Waelde was immediately arrested after showing up to the meeting place, and the Sheriff’s Office says he admitted to placing the ad and “stated his intentions to consummate the act.”

MCSO deputies also served a search warrant at Waelde’s Phoenix home.


Transgender male "transwoman" Craigslist post pretending to be female

Donald Waelde mugshot


Hey, this is what makes us women, and where is the clitoris?: uk-prisoners/

Crossdressing and Sex Prosthetics Approved for Transgender UK Prisoners

March 16, 2011

A 20 page guidebook on transgender prisoners was issued to wardens across the UK last week. As a result of the UK’s Gender Recognition Act the Ministry of Justice’s guidelines state “An establishment must permit prisoners who consider themselves transsexual and wish to begin gender reassignment to live permanently in their acquired gender.”

Unlike other prisoners who must wear prison uniforms, self-identified transgenders may wear their own clothes, and will be given access to prosthetics, devices, and gendered street clothes used to disguise their physical sex. Males who want to must be referred to as “miss” or “ma’am” and be called by a fake name of their choosing. These new guidelines apply to transgendered who have not been issued a “Gender Recognition Certificate” by the government but to those who remain legally regarded as their actual physical sex. Male murderers and rapists who wish to “become women” are already provided with state paid Gender Reassignment Surgery and then transferred to women’s prisons, regardless of concerns for those women’s safety.


In at least one case, a man in prison for kidnapping and attempted murder of a woman received a taxpayer funded sex change, transferred to a woman’s prison, then after a few years demanded a reverse-sex-change back to male, also taxpayer funded.

A senior citizen confronted with a “trans woman” in a Toronto YMCA women’s locker room who forced her to view his erect penis, and asked her “do you come here often?”- was recently told by authorities that males have an “absolute” legal right to placement in public areas traditionally sex-segregated for female safety, under new legal “Gender Identity” statutes, which override former sex-based protections for women and girls.

The elimination of women-only services and spaces where women are particularly vulnerable, such as homeless shelters, prisons, hospital bed assignment, areas of public nudity (such as locker rooms), is the primary goal of the transgender political rights movement. Also included are women’s sports, women’s colleges, women’s conferences, private women-only music festivals, lesbian events, etc.

Men posing as women in a women’s restroom to video and ridicule a lone woman while one of the men exposes himself to her. Notice how hard she tries to humor them –

Transjacktivists claim that arrest statistics for peeping and perving don’t show a sharp increase in states where men are allowed in women’s spaces. Well of course they don’t!… Making a formerly illegal behavior LEGAL seldom results in more arrests for (now legal) behavior.

The truth is guys do this…all the time. And they’ll do whatever it takes to perv on females. Here are some of the things they’ll do to get into female spaces:

  1. Hide cameras and microphones in female spaces.
  2. Crawl through ventilation ducts to view female spaces.
  3. Install double mirrors to view female spaces.
  4. Drill holes in walls to peep women’s spaces.
  5. Place cameras in shopping bags next to females wearing skirts.
  6. Risking arrest –and repeat arrest- sneaking into women’s restrooms.
  7. Dress up as and try to pass as female.
  8. Claim they are female.
  9. Try to pass laws permitting men who claim they are female to legally enter spaces where females do not want men.
  10. Try to pass laws that state that females don’t actually exist.
  11. Force law enforcement and media outlets to report male crimes against women as woman-on-woman crime, if the male is diagnosed with GID.

Let’s face it, males commit violent and sexual crimes against women. Statistically, it is indisputable. And criminal actions by and arrests of men don’t decrease after SRS (sexual reassignment surgery). In fact post SRS males have higher rates of criminality than the general public. There are voluminous incidents of transgender male violence against women. Murders, rapes, assaults. There are infantesimal reports of crimes against male transgenders committed by female perpetrators. Statistically minute. What does that tell us? It tells us that females should have the right to sex-segregated areas in places where they are especially vulnerable to male crimes against women….

The only “bathroom incidents” involving male transgenders are related to males entering female-designated spaces.

Americans are protected by Title VII against sex discrimination: discrimination against folks who don’t conform to sex role stereotypes. So males who are discriminated against while using male facilities can sue, the same way females can sue for sex discrimination. So where are the cases? Out of millions of transgender people there must be at least a handful of cases of males who have been discriminated against by being prevented from using male facilities because they looked female? No. There are none.

Where is the evidence that there is a statistically significant problem of crossdressed men/transsexual males/other transgender males suffering predation in male restrooms/male spaces? It doesn’t exist.

There is no demonstrable need for male-bodied people to use female facilities, regardless of how well they conform – or not– to gendered sex-roles.


Rape by men claiming to be women can be deadly in more ways than one….

“Transgender women were 49 times more likely to have HIV compared to a reference population, according to a new study on transgender women and HIV”.

Transgender Rights: The Elimination of the Human Rights of Women

July 11, 2013

Removing the legal right of women to organize politically against sex-based oppression by males

Removing the legal right of women to assemble outside the presence of men

Removing the legal right of women to educational programs created for women outside the presence of men

Eliminating data collection of sex-based inequalities in areas where females are underrepresented

Elimination of sex-based crime statistics

Eliminating athletic programs and sports competition for women and girls

Removing the legal right of women to be free from the presence of men in areas of public accommodation where nudity occurs

Elimination of grants, scholarships, board and trustee designations, representative positions, and affirmative programs for women

Removing the legal right of women to create reproductive clinics, rape crisis services, support groups, or any organizations for females

Eliminating media and all public discourse specific to females

Removal of the right of journalists to report the sex, and history, of subjects

Eliminating the legal right of lesbians to congregate publicly

Elimination of lesbian-specific organizations and advocacy groups

Removing the legal right of women to free speech related to sex roles and gender

Elimination of the legal right of women to protection from state-enforced sex-roles (appearance/behavior/thought)

Elimination of the legal right of girls to protection from state-enforced sex-roles in public education

Elimination of the patient right of dependent females to hospital/facility bed assignments separate from males

Elimination of the right of dependent females to prefer female providers for their intimate personal care requirements

Elimination of the human right of female prisoners under state confinement to be housed separately from male prisoners

Unlike any other “social justice” venture in history, Transgender Rights are unique in that they are completely based on eliminating the human rights of women. Transgender Rights are the “right” to eliminate the human rights of women. But how can such a relatively small group eliminate the legal human rights of half of the human race? Because the transgender politic is an anti-female politic, and as such receives blanket support from all male sectors who profit from the elimination of human rights for females: the state, the conservative politic, the liberal politic, the gay politic, the “queer” politic, academia, business, commerce, media.

This Is What Privilege Looks Like   June 23, 2011

howard collage

Male? Check. White? Check. Upper class? Check? Hetero? Check.

Howard is a business development consultant from Phoenix Arizona who flies frequently via US Airways as a high mileage executive preferred customer. For years now he has been entertaining himself by traveling in his tiny underwear and high heels and various sexualized female gender coded crossdresser ensembles. There are whole websites devoted to collecting photos of him in various airports over the years, and many a YouTubes. He has been accorded the nickname “Terminal” by afficianados and is regarded as something of a folk hero.

Well Howard is getting his 15 minutes of fame this week after someone linked Howard’s behavior to the incident of College football player Deshon Marman getting into legal trouble over refusing to pull up his pants that were hanging off his ass and his ejection from a US Airways flight. “Look at the carte blanche the white guy has to run around in sexay underwear while a black guy gets kicked off a plane for having his ass hang out of his pants” is the refrain. “Look at the privilege”….

…Can you imagine the treatment a woman would receive wearing these travel clothes? What about a 65 year old female executive with a droopy flabby gut? Would she be a preferred customer? What about a poor woman?  A Black woman? They would all be frikkin treated like dirt- at the very least. More likely they would be intercepted by law enforcement. Or beaten or raped. Or given a psychiatric evaluation. And would the media withhold their name which is plastered all over the internet at their request? Hell’s to the No.

This is what Privilege LOOKS LIKE. “Terminal” Privilege. I just thought you might want to have a look….


It is possible to de-transition:


88% of the transgender population, those people who are protected by gender identity and gender expression laws, are, as reported by their own advocacy organizations, males with a psychosexual disorder. (1)

Many men with psychosexual disorders practice their fetish in the privacy of their own homes. But as many as 13,946,348 of them in the US, at the time of this writing, will be free to practice their fetish in public, in front of your children, in women’s locker rooms, in the girls bathroom at school. (2) This will be enabled by current and pending transgender legislation throughout the US. (3)

Transgender fetish is the largest sexual disorder reported in convicted sex offenders.(4) Almost 100% of convicted sex offenders have a documented history of transvestism, crossdressing, free-dressing, Autogynephilia, transsexualism – in other words: TRANSGENDER.

60% of convicted sex offenders have transgender fetish as their primary paraphillia (a parapillia is a psychological sex disorder). Of the remaining fetishists, such as pedophiles, rapists, etc., 60% of those sex offenders have transgender fetish as their secondary parapillia, in addition to their primary disorder. Finally, 40% of convicted sex offenders have transgender fetish as their tertiary (3rd) fetish among multiple disorders.

Transgender sex disorders are the leading indicator of criminal sexual behavior.

This is what transgender does:

rape and kill 6 year old girls

are sexual predators and

T. rape women

TW rape women

TW rape women

TW rape women

TW Rape women

TW are rapists

assault and sodomize women

TW expose themselves at parks

TW assault teenagers

TW parade through office buildings,4675,NothingButHeels,00.html

TW steal from their families

TW attack their mothers with baseball bats

TW wear tutus

TW molest children

TW steal shoes

TW stab people

TW expose them selves in public and

TW expose themselves in residential neighborhoods

TW expose themselves at the post office

rob women of their shoes

TW masturbate in public libraries

TW masturbate in public

TW solicit lewd acts from children

TW expose and touch themselves in public

TW grope and grab teenaged girls

TW masturbate in the park

TW sue to wear panties in prison

TW expose themselves in parking lots

TW flash young teens

TW expose themselves at gas stations

TW expose themselves to drivers from the road side

TW hide in cars

TW find sexual pleasure in the park

TW masturbate in front of children

TW flash women at train stations

TW flash and run

TW perform lewd acts in car parks—mans-2396874

TW expose themselves to dog walkers

TW attempt to kidnap children for sex

TW flash women at grocery store

TW force female validation

TW flash dog-walkers

TW expose themselves to construction workers

TW assault women

TW steal

TW piss on neighbors porch

TW stroll the neighborhood in panties

TW steal and wear neighbors clothing

TW Grope women

TW Stand outside in women’s underwear

TW Break into neighbors home

TW Spy on women in bathrooms

TW Peep and video couples, return to steal her clothes

TW Get high and vandalize women’s bathrooms

TW dress in women’s lingerie and rob people

TW wearing black bras flash young women

TW expose themselves to other men

TW expose themselves while riding scooters

TW enter women’s restrooms and locker rooms for sexual gratification

TW filed under “Open and Gross” in police call logs

TW smuggle drugs in their bra and panties

TW attack their ex-wives with a meat cleaver

TW murder women and

TW attack and stab women and

TW steal clothes from Sorority House

TW assault security guards and steal designer dresses!/entry/crossdressing-thief-commits-perfect-crime,51df3e57da27f5d9d0f68f30

TW threaten with knives

TW rape other men

have a fetish for women’s undergarments

T. break-in to homes in the middle of the night

have erections with their coffee

shoot at police

T. work as “Escorts”

T. suffer a phenomenal 19 rapes in just 10 years

T. break-in to neighbors house, bring drugs and porn, borrow panties

alarm customers and create a scene at local Pizza Hut

T half-naked take young daughters on drugged joyride

T assault women and steal underwear

TW love being seen in public

in booty shorts

T. Impersonate police officers

TW Sexually molest teenaged boys

TW creep around rape victims back yard

TW confess to killing little girls and

TW advertise child pornography on Craiglist

rob in taxis at knife point,_a_cab_and_a_knife

violate probation

TW dig tunnels and watch child pornography

TW steal booze and dance

TW steal cars and whore

TW host circle jerk block parties

TW hang out in your garage wearing your panties

TW torture their girlfriends

TW Are convicted pedophiles

T. Threaten to kill state legislators

participate in office sex scandals

wear double the panties

steal from laundry rooms


assault young girls in restrooms

viciously attack their lovers

T. force young boys into prostitution

deal drugs for gangs

get breast implants and go topless to support equal rights

Solicit sex from boys

attack men

rape men

molest children

dress to drown he was a very large man in a very small skirt

attack teenage girls

drive drunk and indecently expose themselves at the park with their family

harass women and

From THIS is Transgender (posted 2013/8/23):

use women’s locker rooms prior sex offender conviction

chase teenaged girls and expose themselves

sneak into women’s locker rooms

make indecent remarks to women in public

visit strip clubs and solicit prostitutes

masturbate in public

expose themselves to teenaged girls

place obscene phone calls

Sunbathe at public beach in frilly knickers

expose themselves to runners at the park

feel excited

go jogging in women’s underwear

wear their daughters’ panties

attack bike messengers“aggressive and dangerous”











































TW Have sex in the park

TW Stalk children, send sexually explicit images and texts

TW expose themselves at Wally World



TW and

























TW grope women in public

TW enjoy being frisked by TSA at airports

TW molest children at knifepoint

TW expose themselves to teenagers at the mall

TW commit lewd acts on children under their supervision

TW Steal and wear children’s underwear

TW sexually molest children

TW commit lewd acts in stolen knickers

TW masturbate in department store bathrooms

TW break-in and commit lewd acts

TW Molest children

TW sexually accost strangers

TW are voyeuristic

TW flash hotel visitors

TW expose themselves in public

TW Transgender on-off switch





From They are Out There (posted 2013/7/9):


TW and

TW (warning: child pornography)



TW and




TW Note that he wears “just panties”.



TW and





TW (Note his 2nd Arrest)


TW (warning: child pornography)














TW (warning: 4 yr old child victim)



TW trans activist hides sexual fetish of above




























TW (wearing a “maid’s dress” with genitals showing)













Panty theft




TW and



TW (warning: indecency with a child)




Pnty theft







TW (warning: child torture)






TW and



Remember that most of these women who identify as “transmen” are Fem and many are het or bisexual, and also identify as gay men and want access to gay men.

“Boxers rock. Guy’s clothes is comfy and cheap. Being ignored more easily. My friends’ parents no longer question my friendships with their sons. That feeling of being a guy. Being treated like one of the guys. More body strength. Men’s underwear ROCKS! Men’s clothes are cheaper and better quality. Not expected to look pretty. Not expected to have babies. Not expected to go gaga over other people’s babies. Boxer briefs are sooo comfy. Muscle mass increase. Not having to shave. BOXERS. I love them. I’ve never, ever worn briefs, haha. Not having to shave. Not being expected to show emotion all the time by the inflection of my voice. My ma never liked it when she couldn’t tell exactly how I felt about something. Now she has realized that it is the words I use that matter. Men’s underwear. I used to assume that it was impossible to design comfortable underwear, and that everyone put up with it. Then I started wearing briefs. Not being expected to care about other people’s babies and young kids. Men’s clothing is more comfortable, and often cheaper and more functional. Not being expected to be able to relate to other girls as a girl/ not being expected to understand the nuances of what’s happening in a social situation/ being ignored more. Feeling safer when I’m by myself at night. Being treated as one of the guys. Feeling normal. Clothes, girl’s clothes are tight and uncomfortable and too flashy, guy’s clothes are comfortable, simple, and convenient. Less head hair (unless u have long hair for a guy) it’s just simpler, plus more fun to style. Bathrooms, guys don’t go in there to put on makeup and giggle, they go in there to shit and piss, I love it, I always felt weird trying to do my business in the girls room, cause it seemed I was the only one in there using it for what it is, a bathroom. No makeup, most girls are expected to wear makeup, sure guy liner is cool sometimes, but I’m so glad I’m not expected to wear it. I don’t have to look good- I can just roll out of bed and go to class, no one cares if I look grungy. No periods/pms (for guys on t). Don’t have to shave your body. Boxers, I had been wearing men’s underwear before I even knew I was trans, panties are uncomfortable and too thin! Higher pay, they say men get more money.. cha ching. More respect. Getting treated as one of the guys by other guys, there seems to be a silent code of respect between guys (for the most part) Being stronger, not being seen as weak, being expected to pull your weight, and not treated like a wimpy girl. Feeling safer when I’m by myself at night-agree. Being called bud, bro or man by peers. Being called son (I love that term of affection. You never hear anyone say “daughter” as a term of affection). I completely agree with the men’s underwear, although I find briefs the most comfortable. Not being given a hard time about not wearing makeup. Not being assumed to be weak or vulnerable. More comfortable clothing. Boxers. Just being ignored instead of looked at like a weird butch chick. Not being stared at weird for acting immature. Feeling normal. Feeling safer when I’m by myself at night. Being treated as one of the guys. Oh and being called boss by a guy the other day. Being more comfortable. Lack of femininity isn’t questioned. Number 1: Straight chicks checking me out. Being my girlfriend’s man. Being one of the guys, without them having to add “without the dick”. Being chivalrous; men have always held doors for me. Not that I don’t appreciate the consideration, but I’m a door-holder, not taker. Now I get to let the ladies and older persons go ahead of me, or hold a door open, and put a smile on their face. Wearing clothes that suit my personality without people glaring at me or shifting uncomfortably when they see a bug dyke [sic] walking their way. Boxers and boxer-briefs. The drive to work out, the desire to have muscles, the lack of shame about having a more muscular body than most other women because, well, I no longer consider myself a woman. I’m a man, I’m strong, I’m proud, and lifting those weights makes me feel even better about my body. Not feeling like I’m putting on a show.  If anyone’s seen Chicago, I used to always think of my interactions with people as starting with “And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, a tap dance.” Having my woman feel safe in my arms, protected. Looking forward to watching my wife walk down to aisle to me. Feeling proud when my gf ask me to help fix something around the house. Smirking when my gf needs me to open a jar.”

[From a popular online forum for “Female-to-Male Transsexuals”]


These men get it, so why can’t women?  from the Little Britain television series:





Posted in Additional Radical Lesbian Feminist writings | Tagged , , , , , , , | 81 Comments



Bev Jo

Too many women and girls are put off Radical Feminism because of the bland, vague politics that masquerade as Radical Feminism. Too many have been personally insulted by false “leaders” of a movement that is based on having no leaders. The energy, excitement, and love that can exist among Radical Feminists is being sabotaged by imposters substituting anti-feminist politics.

I object. I object to our Radical Feminist movement and culture being appropriated and parasitized. I object when men do it, claiming to be Radical Feminists and demanding we accept them as women. And I object when women who are not Radical Feminists do it, setting themselves up as the bosses of our movement, misrepresenting our politics, policing women to accept their distorted version of Radical Feminism, and harassing actual Radical Feminists who object. This movement is not theirs to steal.

It’s clear that men can’t ever be women, so they also can’t be Radical Feminists. But a woman who is not yet a Radical Feminist could yet become one, making it more difficult to draw the line about who is or who isn’t a real Radical Feminist. However, just as there is a clear definition of “female,” there is a clear definition of true Radical Feminist politics as developed for over forty years. Still, lies repeated enough begin to be believed, especially when supported by arrogant cliques who use ruthless tactics.

Some present these new anti-feminist politics as the ultimate law of “radfems,” yet no Radical Feminist I know ever voted on it or agrees to it. It’s like a cult where no thinking, or questioning the contradictions with real Radical Feminism, is allowed. Women who dare to object are immediately bombarded with ridicule and hatred to shame them into mindlessly obeying. They then are trained to police other women who step out of line. Some women who want to learn about feminism, and who want and need to share support with other women, instead find this Counterfeit Feminism online and are put off and give up.

This is not about women new to feminism excitedly repeating mainstream ideas they learned from the media or fake women’s studies classes, but about a deliberate weakening and distortion of Radical Feminism.

In many groups now, as soon as Radical Feminists refer to the basic principles of what has been known for decades as Radical Feminism (clearly distinct from anti-feminism, mainstream feminism, or liberal feminism), we are censored, silenced, and even told we are “misogynist” – which are the same tactics the trans cult use with their mock charges of “misogyny” against women who say no to them. This manipulative ploy is being effective in the Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ takeover of real Radical Feminism because it’s hard to fight such an accusation when you are not allowed to answer at blogs or in facebook “Radical Feminist” groups because you are immediately banned. Then the imposters misrepresent your politics with lies to explain your disappearance. Other women in the group withdraw in terror of being the next to be banished. (By the way, if anyone does hear bizarre misrepresentations of my politics, feel free to ask.)

Many online feminists are well-meaning, but also are isolated and lonely, and fear rejection. It’s in women’s nature to be social and want a community of friends. Yet too often the price of joining the parasitizing cliques is agreeing to abandon common sense. So they learn the new rules and join in the gutting of real Radical Feminism.

This re-defining of Radical Feminism is similar to how the word “Lesbian” has been re-defined to include bisexuals, het women, and even men.

We already know that there are trolls in our online international Radical Feminist movement. Some have been revealed to be MRAs (Men’s Rights Activists) but others are women betraying our movement and playing a double game. Too often the women trolls get into positions of power, and even name themselves our leaders. When they are exposed, they just start new pretend Radical Feminists groups to moderate, and real Radical Feminists, not wanting to be left out of the cliques, join, ignoring what these women have done, and so give credibility to the troll groups, draining our movement.

Some feminists talk sadly about how heart-breaking the “infighting” is, but infighting is what happens among members of the same movement. The women dismantling Radical Feminism are NOT part of our movement or culture. It helps protect us as a movement, and protects our hearts individually, to recognize that clearly.

Knowing our history, means knowing that every destructive anti-feminist and anti-female group that infiltrated our culture began by claiming to be feminist and using our language to convince our community they were one of us. (In 1979, the sado-masochists Wikipedia describes as “writer Pat Califia and feminist academic Gayle Rubin,” began Samois, used classic Lesbian Feminist terminology like “womyn” and “womon” in their publication to convince feminists that sado-masochism was feminist. I still hear women repeating some of their stock phrases used to explain the unexplainable. Similarly, many of the men who insist they are women and Lesbians call themselves “feminists” and even “Radical Feminists.” Those two female-hating worlds merged when Pat Califia, the bisexual who also used to appropriate Butch identity now claims to be a “gay man.”)

Our Women’s Liberation movement does not grow if we are forced to re-discuss basic feminist ideas and politics endlessly, which is a classic method of trolling and sabotage. Those who do not know our history keep trying to condemn us to repeat it.

Feminists who have strong politics about some issues suddenly can sound like liberals with no politics when they insist “You can’t define Radical Feminism and tell a woman she isn’t a Radical Feminist.”  Well, why not?  The politics either are or are not Radical Feminism, as opposed to liberal/mainstream/right wing feminism. Any woman who wants to dilute Radical Feminism into a bland, meaningless mess is simply not a Radical Feminist.

So What IS Radical Feminism?

Radical Feminism is liberal feminism taken to its logical extreme. Radical Feminism is where liberal feminists are afraid to explore. Though there are strong het Radical Feminists, It’s important to know that Radical Feminism did come from Lesbian Feminism.

Radical Feminism, which began in the late Sixties and early Seventies, is an international movement of females of all ages who are fighting against patriarchy.  Some Radical Feminists have access to the many books that came later, but other women are just discovering it, as we did, inspired by their own minds and experience, and by talking with other women.

Mainstream, reformist, and liberal feminists support the status quo. They believe everything will be just fine if men as a group would somehow stop raping and killing females, and destroying the earth. Of course they think it’s always up to women to make men change, which means devoting even more time to men and boys. That never works. Reformism does not go past fantasy into reality. Reformists don’t want to face the upsetting truths about patriarchy and males, or female collaborators. As painful as those realizations are, Radical Feminists know that Radical Feminism explains what has gone wrong with mainstream feminism and is the only way to actually change patriarchy and to end male violence towards all females and the earth. It is ultimately extremely freeing.

Liberal/reformist feminism is about pleading with our oppressors and relying on the male system to eventually make things better for women, with women bearing the brunt of the work as usual. Part of the problem is that most women want to just feel comfortable and not be deeply challenged to think or to change their lives. They know that patriarchy is not fair for girls and women. They want a better deal from men. But many do not realize that better deals are limited, as well as subject to removal over time. Those of us who have been watching for decades see the various ways that patriarchy plays games and even uses mainstream feminist slogans for their benefit. Woman wanting freedom from men are turned into “liberated women” who give men exactly what they want, with none of the protections that het women previously expected (like sexually serving men in exchange for marriage, which, while constricting, also means increase in family status and societal status as well as security, money, property, etc. that most women could never hope to get on their own or with other women. Yes, it’s a form of legal prostitution, but with more advantages than servicing men for free. Of course Radical Feminism is against both.)

Women become more bound to men with less safety when they believe the patriarchal version of mainstream MS magazine feminism (with its het porn stories) instead of finding out about real Radical Feminism.

Radical Feminism, and particularly Radical Lesbian Feminism, takes liberal, mainstream feminism past its bland, vague request for equal rights for women into the most courageous and unacceptable extreme of working for true justice for all females. It takes us past where we are forbidden to even think, which is why it’s so threatening. Radical Feminism is about always questioning every single thing that we are told is “reality” or “just the way things are,” etc. Parasitized pretend feminism teaches women to stop questioning and thinking, and to accept lies that can be comfortingly similar to the regular patriarchal cons. Only enough is changed to fit the agendas of the false leaders of this counterfeit feminism.

Radical Feminism is what women discover and invent when all the patriarchal censors on our minds are gone, and the fear of retribution is ignored. Radical is more than the root, it goes beyond all the lies we were taught, recognizing that patriarchy is built on deception. When the lies are exposed, then patriarchal control of girls’ and women’s minds unravels.
Radical Feminism shakes patriarchy to its core because it calls for the very ending of patriarchy. And we believe that that is the only thing that will save the earth from the direction of destruction men have set.

Radical Feminists don’t even pretend to believe that females and males are basically the same, while liberal/mainstream feminists repeat the dangerous myth that male violence is not an innate biological difference, even though male violence can easily be seen and verified in many other animal species. They also push the line that men are somehow victims of “socialization,” and therefore victims too.

The truth is all around us, and even our other animal sisters know better than most women that it’s the norm in males to want to rape and kill.

Male sea otters kidnap baby otters from their mothers, forcing the mothers to bring food to them. They kill ten percent of the females when trying to rape them. They also rape baby seals to death and continue raping the corpse until it rots. Male koalas, attempting to rape the females, often kill the females and their babies. Male lions kill the babies, including their own, and rape the females. In one bug/hemiptera species, the males literally puncture the females’ abdomen to reproduce. In response, some female animals have built female-only societies, and some have almost completely eliminated the males and control the existence of those they choose to create.

This was one of the clear dividing lines in the Seventies, when the women invested in males said we must help them overcome socialization, ignoring that boys raping animals and baby girls were no way shown in the media or approved of in most families, religions, neighborhoods, and cultures. If the boys who do this bring shame to their people, then where does the “socialization” come from?  (There was a video online showing a boy raping a chicken, and then his father hitting him in the head, knocking him down.) Would women really pay to go to brothels where they could sexually assault animals, like men have constructed?

Already for millennia, before there was mass media, males were as dangerous as they are now. Now over forty years after the theory of men as “victims too” was introduced, we see how well the making of new non-misogynist males has worked. Some of the most female-hating men come from women trying their hardest to make decent men out of their boys. It’s not the mother’s fault that their sons absorbed their love and energy to become even more entitled and now have inside information. (One of the worst, pornographer Tobi Hill-Meyer, even while posting online photos of his erect prick, insists he’s a Lesbian and Butch, and is given a power position on the board of Butch Voices to ban real Lesbians and Butches from doing Lesbian workshops.)

The Radical Feminist politics of males and females being biologically different matches common sense and what men themselves admit (just ask them), and is also what most non-feminist women know. If we want a worldwide movement, we must be aware of what aspects of feminism put off most women. The insistence of liberal feminists that there are no brain/mind/spirit differences is one which most women know is not true.

We’ve been saying no to excuses for male violence for decades. (The classic “he’s a serial rapist/murderer because he was abused” would mean that most women would now be serial killers.) Feminists should be questioning all patriarchal propaganda instead of making up a fantasy world which excuses men.

One clue to the pretend “radfem” tactics is to notice how much they attack real Radical Feminist ideas with nonsensical charges. Some of these women actually lecture us that our daring to name the truth about male violence being biologically caused somehow excuses male violence. Of course it doesn’t — they still have free will, and they do control themselves when it suits them, usually when the consequences are higher than they want to risk. Of course they are still accountable for the choices they make to rape, torture, kill, and contaminate the earth with their territorial marking (male nuclear marking is forever, whether from contamination through accidents and storage of radioactive material, or use of nuclear weapons, including “depleted uranium”), which is why men will not give it up in spite of the obvious. As the scientist we quoted in Dykes-Loving-Dykes said, “a male human being loves to see an explosion.”) Men know the truth about themselves, but women are too often willing to sacrifice other women and girls to protect men. That is not Radical Feminism.

Another tactic has been to insist that only men are our enemy, forbidding any mention of women’s crimes because somehow no woman is recognized as having any real power. This tends to come from women whose lives revolve around males, and who ignore that many of us have moved on, knowing we want nothing to do with males and are now focusing on making women’s communities as good and safe as possible. It’s almost as if naming some women’s betrayal will blow apart fragile feminism, but this fantasy works only for the most extremely privileged women who rarely feel oppression from other women, or for those who somehow continue ignoring the world all around them. Radical

Feminism is not a cult that needs institutionalized fantasies and lies to protect it.

Denying the truth weakens Radical Feminism, while daring to say the truth strengthens it. Some newer Radical Feminists despair and quit after seeing how some women participate in the worst of men’s crimes. Insisting that collaborators are mindless victims who can’t choose anything is not the answer. It’s simply not true. Of course some women betray us, and Radical Feminism explains why. Our book focused on explaining the reasons many women collaborate with men, but we still don’t believe that women would be raping and killing and destroying the earth on their own. Yes, some women are our enemy, but as a group, women are never close to being life-hating and female-hating as most males are. (By the way, because many men are now legally accepted as women, the statistics on violence caused by ”women” is increasing.)

Why Are Liberal and Mainstream Feminists Pretending to Be Radical Feminists?

Of course not all women who name themselves “radfems” are parasitizing Radical Feminism, but still, “radfem” is the newer trendy word that some of the cliques opposed to original Radical Feminist politics use. Yes, “radfem” is an abbreviation, but so is RF (Radical Feminist) and so is the trivializing term “women’s lib,” which no feminist would ever use.

Much of what we took for granted as basic feminism is being dismantled and eliminated. We never thought that we would ever again be forced to argue with women claiming to be feminist that of course heterosexism, racism, classism, ableism, ageism, fat oppression, etc. exist among us and have to be fought. Never did we think we’d be lectured about how all money comes from men, so classism doesn’t exist among us (just ignore the rich “radfems” with servants), and then see class appropriated and confused when used unnecessarily in phrases, such as “the class of women.” Nor did we think that even our clear and direct language would be muddied with academic terms that are intentionally substituted to further confuse women. An example is how “intersectionality” is used to discredit early Radical Feminist politics describing the multiple differences and oppressions that we must deal with to avoid having a segregated pretend feminism of only the most privileged. (As soon as the academic term “intersectionality” is used, I know that the writer either does not know Radical Feminist history or that they are deliberately undermining Radical Feminism. I explain at my blog in
Progress Versus Cooptation in the Radical Feminist Movement).

Attempting to erase our Radical Feminist history of fighting all oppression among women so we can have equality is also an attempt at segregation. This is all the more infuriating for those who know that Radical Feminism was created by those very women they want eliminated, such as class-oppressed and race-oppressed Lesbians.

It used to be that misogynist men claiming they were women were supported only by a few women who felt sorry for them or who bonded with them in the “Leather” sado-masochist and porn culture. Most women just said no to the embarrassingly obvious men parading around as their prurient fantasies of women. But that’s all changed — now women who say no to the trans cult are called bigots, are censored, sent death threats, etc. What was once sensible basic feminism now appears radical only because of how bad things have become for women. But hating men who pretend to be women and being targeted by them is not enough to make someone a Radical Feminist – and hating real Radical Feminists is definitely not being Radical Feminist.

It’s easy enough for counterfeit Radical Feminists to read our extensive history. When they say what we’ve done hasn’t worked, telling us to weaken our politics, they are ignoring how governments and media and MRAs have been undermining us for decades, as well as have the majority of women who betray females for males. Many more Radical Feminists are poor and barely surviving now than in 1970, with the worldwide change in economics, and that has made it very hard to organize in the US. (Rooms rented in Radical Feminist group houses were $50 a month, and houses $100. Spaces could be easily rented for women only events where we could do political work and socialize. Since surviving was cheaper, Radical Feminists had more time.)  Nothing was wrong with our movement and politics, considering a handful of women were fighting all of patriarchy and creating an entirely new culture. What Radical Feminists did all over the world was amazing and is still having an effect.

So why don’t the pretend “radfems” just leave Radical Feminism and us alone and start their own movement as a segment of liberal feminism? They won’t though. They want to claim Radical Feminism for their own.

Posturing as radical is trendy, but those who really ARE radical are a constant reminder of the truth, so the counterfeit feminists mindfuck, accusing us of being “liberal, “third wave,” and other projections. They want to erase our existence since we are proof of their lies, similar to how the trans cult wants to erase true female existence.

Also, some women new to feminism believe they are radical because they go further than the vague, meaningless con that is generally presented as feminism. The media made “feminist” stars of privileged liberal women in spite of the basic feminist tenet that feminism has no stars or leaders. Patriarchal spokeswomen’s “feminism” would make almost any woman think she is radical by comparison. Plus, having fleeting fantasies about hating men causes some liberal feminists to be accused of being “sexist man-hating fanatics.”  And of course all women on some level will be drawn to the truth in Radical Feminism. But none of these alone make a woman a Radical Feminist.

Then some women want fame and notoriety, so they started blogs plagiarizing feminists’ writing from decades earlier, forming elitist cliques with their own elitist “radfem” language that automatically excludes true Radical Feminists and requires those wanting to join the cliques to submit to the humiliation of asking what the bizarre terms mean, even if they were the original writers of the plagiarized work. Real Radical Feminism is opposed to hierarchy and inequality, dominance and submission that the cliques thrive on. One of the most quoted of these privileged pretend “radfems” admits she came to feminism as a “funfem” (women who participated in the female-hating pseudo feminism that men push, such as glorifying male-invented “femininity,” porn and sado-masochism.) She also has a history of being a cruel bully who uses ridicule to try to intimidate Radical Feminists. She is heterosexist and particularly targets Lesbians. We have no idea how many girls and women we lost from our movement who were searching for feminism and ended up being her victim. I believe it was her and other bloggers’ het privilege (some still with their “special” men) that gave them more authority and appreciation since het women are generally far more valued by feminists, including Lesbian feminists.

By undermining real Radical Feminism, these “radfems” eliminated any potential questioning of the hypocrisy in their own lives, such as presenting themselves as courageous man-haters while still keeping their own “exceptional” men (as feminists used to sarcastically say). When I saw the online bullies referred to reverentially, I asked what they had said that made them so worshipped and was told in almost hushed tones that they were writing against “PIV” (the new gutted feminism loves elitist, middle class, exclusionary terms — in this case, “penis in vagina” — as if the women who want to be fucked by men must be protected by using a fake, twee euphemism that blunts the shock of the graphic image of that reality) —  as if this issue was something new that hadn’t been extensively and more radically written about as basic feminism in the late Sixties and early Seventies.

No one seemed to even notice that the more radical question of why would feminists even be sexual/intimate with men was completely ignored, since patriarchy literally could not go on without women helping. And that, of course, was because the pretend “radfem” bloggers certainly did not want to lose their het privilege.
Even worse for Radical Feminism, it somehow became a crime to question women’s choices, which had been the basis of even liberal feminism in the Seventies. To further deflect, gaslight, and mind-fuck, the new parasitized feminism’s rules say that not only are women’s choices not to be questioned, but that women have no choices!

So why are these women, who either did not care to learn our history or who are happily plagiarizing parts of it and gutting Radical Feminism in the process, so lauded?

Meanwhile, we are treated as imposters by the imposters. If these women weakening our movement were new and excited and wanting to learn, that would be fine. But just as men say they are better women than we are, these women declare that they and not we are the real Radical Feminists. Both men pretending to be women and women pretending to be Radical Feminists refuse to argue directly and honestly, because they can’t. Instead, they insult, name-call, and use every bit of their privilege, hoping that by oppressing us, they can drive us away. When that doesn’t work, they just lie, censor, and ban.

This is not an issue of Lesbians versus het women because some of the strongest and most courageous Radical Feminists are women who choose to be with men. Yet when they support Radical Lesbian Feminists, they are ridiculed and banned. How dare they break ranks?

The more Radical Feminist a woman becomes, the more she realizes the fact that males (“mankind”) are destroying the earth and raping whatever girls and women they have access to. Those not actively raping (yet) are fantasizing through their beloved porn. It’s over forty years since the massive changes of feminism and yet the rape of girls and women has increased.  “Exceptional” men might exist, but more likely they haven’t been caught or haven’t taken the risk to rape. (Remember how Ted Bundy was considered the ideal man?)  I always say that we never know what a boy or man is doing when he is alone with human babies or animals. There certainly are enough horrific true stories. (I personally know a Lesbian whose friends’ dog was raped by their male gardener. A dear friend was abused by her mother’s boyfriend, who was known to have orally raped his baby daughter to death.) None of this is rare. Almost every woman I know has been sexually assaulted as a girl and/or adult, often multiple times. All have been sexually harassed. This isn’t about “crazy” or “sick” men. These are normal men, who measure “normal” on psychological tests. And even if some men are trustworthy, why do some women who claim to be feminists spend so much energy trying to find them, making them more important than women?

We’ve been seeing the same circular discussions among feminists for the last forty plus years. Clearly we can’t just stop men and patriarchy. But some Radical Feminists suggest that if every woman could deal with the man who had sexually assaulted her, that would not only get rid of most men, there wouldn’t be enough to go around — impossible, though, unless it was done at the same time. So then what?  Well, a simpler, safer method, as some of us said in the Seventies, is that women could end patriarchy by not giving males any more love, attention, support, etc., because men simply could not continue without women supporting them. They would fall apart. And instead of producing the 85% males that Lesbians getting pregnant produce, what about all women saying no to reproducing more males? That would certainly end the problem in a few years and save the earth as well. (A giveaway of right wing mindset is the often frantic response “But the human race will die out!” – as if that’s even a possibility when it’s doubling every few years.)

The most right wing pretend feminists immediately attack these longtime Radical Feminist ideas with their new, dangerous politics that I call “Counterfeit Feminism.” 

Counterfeit Feminism”

I was there when Radical Feminism was created. I saw it and I remember it. I watched the battles between the reactionaries who wanted a segregated feminism where they could get a better deal from their men and patriarchy, as they treated less privileged women like dirt. I saw when most of those women left to return to patriarchy for their careers and/or going back to men. I saw the porn, academia, sado-masochism, genderqueer propaganda, and the heterosexism of the main “sexologists” (who pretended to be Lesbians, while defining us out of existence) come into our community at the end of the Seventies. I also saw the trans cult (and have been fighting it since 1971), though those men did not have widespread liberal/right wing feminist support until decades later.

I like to keep things simple. There are many reasons to do that. Convolution and academic styles of writing confuse things and are methods of establishing class dominance. I want to reach all females, including those who, because of oppression, haven’t had access to patriarchal “higher” education and those whose first language isn’t English. That was why we wrote Dykes-Loving-Dykes in direct, honest, and clear language. As we said, it’s also harder to refute or dismiss something that is direct and clear.

Reformist feminism is about trying to get a better deal from patriarchy while betraying women. It’s about women invested in patriarchy not wanting it to really change because the reformists will lose their privilege. I mean, my god, if patriarchy ends, what good is that law degree, and how will you keep your servants?

Liberal feminism is about wanting to do good, trying to improve patriarchy, but also not wanting to go very deeply into how bad things really are and not wanting to question too much, and, ultimately, not wanting to really change because it will shake up the liberal’s world. It’s about not wanting to take risks, mentally or physically. This is a more comfortable position to be in than Radical Feminism because you can feel part of the mainstream while also feeling superior, and you can still keep your privilege. (This is why “Counterfeit Feminism” religiously forbids the once basic feminist idea that women make choices.)

Counterfeit Feminists say “Women are just too oppressed, too ‘colonized,’ and too uninformed to be able to make real choices….All women participate in patriarchy….No woman escapes male rules, etc.” This ignores reality as well as denies the existence of any of us who have made good choices and who have said no to men and male rules. (And we are not magical mythical privileged freaks. We are among the most oppressed of Lesbians and women in our movement.)

Counterfeit Feminism tells women we are powerless victims, while Radical Feminism is about empowering women. That is partly why the feminist movement seems to have lost much of that incredible sense of excitement and pride in ourselves, as well as hope for the future. Even Sixties and Seventies reformist and liberal feminism was almost completely focused on women thinking, exploring, and making choices to change their lives. Women were sharing skills, going into work previously reserved for men only, forming collectives, etc.

Who wants women to stop thinking and to wallow in feeling helpless in order to not think about past, current, and future choices?  And who then wants such women to police other women to also stop thinking, especially about saying no to men?  The MRAs couldn’t have thought of a better plan than to parasitize women and send them on their way to spread the new gutted feminism.

A question I’ve asked when this topic comes up, but which I haven’t yet seen answered, is how do they reconcile their “radfem” politics with hiring women to clean their toilets? How do they deal with the embarrassment of seeing their Radical Feminist servant at “radfem” events?  (They solve this by making the event unaffordable for anyone but the privileged.)

This is where some reformists and liberals merge into “right wing” feminists. I believe both groups want a segregated movement where more oppressed women are not allowed in or are condemned to “knowing their place.” If they had their way, we would have no feminist movement, because our strongest best writers and theorists were primarily the kind of oppressed Lesbians they want to eliminate. Doesn’t sound too different from how the Male Left treats women, does it?

Another giveaway is how they deal with disagreements and conflict. These colonizers have been very comfortable in feeling superior to other women who refuse to submit to their dominance. They don’t really know how to deal with women who talk back, so they just keep repeating their male tactics. They do not argue with mutual respect about the issues. They can’t really. So they immediately go to name-calling and insults. They use classism and every other possible privilege to win. And yes, the women who parasitize Radical Feminism are primarily very privileged compared to the majority of women. (Again, no excuse since some of the strongest Radical Feminists are also privileged, but the difference is that real Radical Feminists don’t use their privilege to hurt other women.) They patronize and condescend, calling us “stupid” or say we “need educating” or that we are “old fashioned,” as if the reality of patriarchy has changed, meanwhile ignoring the many Radical Feminists with our same politics who are in their twenties. They wildly project what they are doing onto the Radical Feminists they are fighting against, etc. In other words, they imitate male and trans cult methods.

Just look at the issues being discussed and it becomes clear. With this dilution of feminism, women who choose men are presented as somehow victims, denying the significant power they actually have in relation to and over women who have said no to men. How did feminism become “Counterfeit Feminism,” where we are not allowed to talk about the most important choices of our lives without severe punishment?  As soon as Radical Feminists say that most women make choices about whether to be invested in men or not, suddenly we are asked don’t we know there are girls in the world who are literally slaves, chained to the wall in the most oppressive patriarchal countries? The privilege of the woman berating us, and her own choices of men over women, is conveniently ignored.

Instead of harassing us, why don’t these counterfeit feminists confront Gail Dines and other famous feminist activists against porn and prostitution who are married to men and demand that they admit they are mere victims of “Stockholm Syndrome”?

In one Radical Feminist facebook group, I was called “misogynist” and reprimanded for “blaming the victim” because I said that women choose who they love. It was the usual patronizing lecture about how women are with men only out of fear, and Stockholm Syndrome. I had no idea that this bully who professes to be “smashing patriarchy” actually has her own ” unicorn,” as she calls her man (Having such a rare man makes her the exceptional woman, doesn’t it?) So how is she a victim? Interestingly, she, like a number of radfems who constantly talk about how evil men are, never say they are with men, deliberately concealing their hypocrisy and obvious conflict of interest. No talk of her leaving her man.

It seems that the online gang-up attacks on Lesbians and other Radical Feminists who say that het women are choosing to be het are attempts to stop a very obvious contradiction in loyalties, and certainly to prevent mention of what used to be a common Radical Feminist topic: het women as collaborators with men against other women and girls. This has been an ongoing discussion among Radical Feminists in books and articles, at conferences, etc. for over forty years. To bully women into stopping talking about it is to censor Radical Feminism….on behalf of men and patriarchy.

What kind of feminism wants girls and women to not be aware they can make choices away from men and into Radical Feminism?

There is no integrity in the methods used. When het choice is brought up, immediately they deliberately confuse rape with voluntary het sex. One online group was actually called “PIV Is Rape.” That not only trivializes the horror of actual rape, but defines it out of existence. Of course being fucked by men IS horrifying and harmful to women on many levels, but these women have to know that many liberal feminists do brag in pornographic detail about loving it. Some of these women now saying “PIV Is Rape” once bragged about loving it themselves. Meanwhile, they usually avoid mention of the existence of women who have said no to men, but if there is a rare acknowledgement, they use the patronizing term “gold star,” and spread the lie that Lifelong and Never-het Lesbians and celibate women have never been raped.

If you dare to say that women who are invested in males automatically have more societal respect and power and privilege than women who say no to males, suddenly every other issue imaginable is brought up, even though these women previously tried to censor those same topics – like what about poor, disabled women oppressed by racism, etc. – ignoring that more oppressed women are also the women most likely to have said no to men and are still saying no to men.

In the Sixties and Seventies, when feminism meant questioning all of our choices individually and as a community, women’s groups supported each other to go further into feminism, including sharing support to leave their men. NO ONE ordered women to shut up or insisted that women were just complete victims with no choice about the men they were with. That would have been laughed at. Women still with men were quite proud about having gotten a man and made sure everyone heard about it. Women who left men and came out were also proud, but still endlessly bragging or complaining about their ex-husbands and boyfriends, making sure everyone knew it was definitely a choice in order to separate themselves from “perverted” Lifelong Lesbians.

Politics and movements do not always advance over time. In the Seventies, Lesbian Feminists proudly said they chose to love other women, yet liberal feminists don’t seem to know that the “born this way” theory they so vehemently believe actually originated with our enemies. Before feminism, psychiatrists declared most women were born het, but that a few were born Lesbian because of genetic abnormalities or from later damage during development. Girls were expected to go through a phase of being attracted to other girls before they grew out of it to become “normal” women who want to be fucked by men, rather than being pathetic mentally ill “inverts” who continue loving our own kind and refuse boys and men. Another cause was attributed to having been sexually assaulted by males in girlhood – as if almost all girls weren’t). Then as feminism was over-shadowed by the later genderqueer/gay male/trans cult re-write of Lesbian Feminist history, the  “born this way” propaganda was reinstated when gay men pleaded for equal rights from hets who said Lesbians and gay men had the choice to just stop being queer. (Somehow bisexual choice is ignored in the plea for rights based on pity.)

Why on earth would any kind of feminist want to join with medical and genderqueer misogynists in believing the con that Lesbians are an aberration – other than that it releases het women from the responsibility of admitting they are making a choice rather than believing the lie that they are just “normal?” Interestingly, this game is played in reverse when feminists do start questioning why they chose or choose men over women. Suddenly, they insist they had the traumatic childhood as an explanation for choosing men and het privilege. Yet how many of these women once and still do openly ask or secretly wonder if a Lifelong Lesbian is “that way” because of terrible childhood trauma?

These attitudes and politics ignore reality. Some of us do remember watching our friends go from hating the boys who harassed us to making them far more important than us and other girls. I heard the girl I was in love with when we were fifteen describe how she had to get herself to learn to be attracted to boys and to flirt with them if she didn’t want to be an outcast. She was already thinking of Lesbians as freaks. (She asked if I really wanted to use the men’s restroom when I told her I loved her.)  Some of us also remember those friends turning on those of us who refused the rules, name-calling us to cement their new het membership status. It is a denial of truth, as well as insulting, to now lecture those few of us who did not join with males against females,  claiming to be much more oppressed than us.

Since we can’t change boys or men, the main obstruction to ending patriarchy is that het women support and even create it. That is something women can control and change. What keeps patriarchy in place is women believing the misogynist con that, by nature, women somehow belong to men. End that lie, and you have full scale revolution. This self-hating, female-hating myth of heterosexuality as normal is so deep that when recently I explained to a woman that it was wrong to call ants “he,” “guys,” and “little fellows,” etc., because, except for a brief, rare appearance of the few winged males for a day, all the ants we ever see are female who live in a true sisterhood — the “queen,” all the workers and soldier ants, all ants ever seen walking around, are female — she could not get it. Commenting on how hard they work, she tried again to present an ant heterosexual supremacist world of the men ants lazing at home while the women ants worked, probably thinking she’d made quite the feminist statement. No, there are no husband ants at home. Female ants do not belong to male ants. All the ants are female, together, sharing everything, working for each other, willing to die for each other, intimately feeding each other from their mouths, with only one ant out of thousands or millions having been het for just a moment.  Even in mammal animal societies, it’s more common for females to live together away from the dangerous males. And though reproduction is usually rape and the males often will kill the babies and females, in many species, the majority of adult females do not reproduce.

Another con by pretend radfems deeply invested in males is to try to convince women to obey men by spreading the myth that some women must be with men or otherwise men will enslave or kill us all for saying no to them. I thought I’d seen all the excuses women make to stay with their men, but this was a new one, which I never heard or read in over forty decades of Radical Feminist writings and discussion. I say, give it a try and see what happens, but really…. that is not why women stay with men.

Note that as soon as collaboration with the enemy is mentioned, het women invested in men will accuse us of having the secret agenda of wanting them to become Lesbians. Our response is: PLEASE do not flatter yourselves, and please do us the favor of not adding any more female-hating, Lesbian-hating, male-worshipping women to our beleaguered communities where such women already outnumber us. They also tell us that they just don’t feel “sexual” towards women – conveniently ignoring that saying no to their men does not mean they have to become dreaded Lesbians. There IS a third choice between that horror and intimate alliance with our oppressors, but it’s conveniently ignored for a reason — being celibate/single is a significant step down in privilege for het women. Most will make sure everyone knows they did have a man in their past and that they aren’t that most despised of women (constantly joked about in the media, and even among Lesbians, as in discussions about the Michigan Women’s Music Festival) – a virgin. Of course, if virgins are seriously mentioned as more than a joke, the bullying starts with insistence that virgins don’t really exist. Again, erase the lives of actual women in the quest for insisting that all women have to have chosen men.

This derail/diversion away from admitting that choosing men means supporting  patriarchy is relevant in terms of being a Radical Feminist though. But notice the het/male term used about being a Lesbian – “sex.” Well, I’m a Lifelong Lesbian and I don’t feel “sexual” towards women either. That is exactly the heart/mind/body/spirit disconnect that women who choose men have learned from their men. “Sex” is the male term as well as their obsession. It turns Lesbians into a mere “sexual orientation,” the offensive term which of course is never used to refer to “normal” women — anything to avoid the terrifying truth, which is that choosing to be a Lesbian is not about anything as trivial as “sex,” but is choosing to love women. And making that choice in spite of getting severe oppression — not only from men, but also from women allied with men — would literally change everything in patriarchy. At this point in the discussion (if the Radical Feminist hasn’t been banned already), the pretend “radfems” scathingly comment that being a Lesbian doesn’t mean being a feminist, playing on the Lesbian-hating still lurking in most feminists.

Well, yes and no. I have a badge from 1971 that says “Lesbianism Is Revolution.” To actually say no to men and then go further into oppression and risking hatred and rejection from everyone in your life in order to love other women is pretty damned feminist and revolutionary. Yes, there are some Lesbians who do bad things, but using that to vilify Lesbians as a group is similar to anti-feminists saying women are as bad as men when male crimes are named. (Lesbians also are actually way out of proportion to other women in devoting their lives to fighting oppression and the harm done to the earth and other species.)

If all women chose to be Lesbians, of course patriarchy would be over. Why do these “radfem” pretenders try to stop this fact from even being mentioned?  It was commonly said in the Seventies, including by het feminists who knew clearly what they should do to end patriarchy. When radfems now lecture us about why we didn’t “win,” ignoring the reasons, do they even consider what it means that this revolutionary idea is now almost censored in online “radfem” groups?

The worst part of the parasitizing of Radical Feminism is the shutting off of women’s logical thought processes and excitement at exploring these common old Radical Feminist issues, which is exactly what men want. And that brings up again, how many of these women are working for the MRAs and how many are just trying to steer women away in order to protect their own privilege?

Almost all girls do feel in love with other girls at some point. That’s natural. Making a cold decision to transfer those powerful love feelings to boys and men, even though males are empty and boring at best, and repulsive and dangerous at worst, is not natural. But most girls do it, just to fit in, be “normal,” to not be hated and rejected by family and friends. If that woman finally returns to her love for other women, sometimes decades later, she is unlikely to say, as courageous Radical Feminists did in the Seventies, “I finally returned to my first choice of love, our own kind.” Instead, she will say, “I was always a Lesbian, I just didn’t know it,” in order to not upset the liberal genderqueer/gay male line. It’s one thing for non-feminists to explain themselves in this way that defines Lesbians out of existence (because women who chose men at that point in time are NOT Lesbians), but why do feminists participate in propping up this cornerstone of patriarchal propaganda?

You can clearly see many women finally and happily choosing to become Lesbians in their fifties and sixties and older. Some leave husbands, and many are left by their men. Some of these women grew up in places where they saw out Lesbians in public and some were friends with Lesbians for decades. They usually have far more privilege (houses, careers, savings, etc.) than Lifelong Lesbians — or celibate women. (I’m not criticizing these women who are my friends. I appreciate how they honestly admit that our oppression and existence and visibility made it easier for them to make conscious choices. One friend said she felt uncomfortable having so much when it looks like being a Lesbian means being poor.)

These non-feminist new Lesbians are aware of their past het privilege, so why do women who pretend to be Radical Feminists try every trick possible to shut down such discussions now, including accusing us of “reverse oppression?” They, who are often hyper-critical and condemning of women who don’t measure up to their brand of feminism, and especially go after traitor women who support the trans cult, accuse real Radical Feminists of being “judgemental.” Talking about the differences in access to privilege gained from choosing men is not “judging.” It’s daring to speak about something real that we are not allowed to mention without punishment. They also imply that the women who choose men are more real women, compared to celibate women, Lesbians, and the least “real” women — Butches. So of course het women are more important, and we are expendable. Really, many radfems just wish we would disappear.

Recently in a Radical Feminist group I was chastized for not admitting the “special benefits” I got from living in a “women-only community.”  I have no idea where that mindfuck came from since I write continually about our having no women-only space left, having to deal with trannies and other het men leering at us, trying to grab us, etc., at “Lesbian” events, and that I live in one of the most dangerous cities in the US where guns are fired off in the street in front of our house.

The most obvious proof that women do choose, usually ignored, is the fact that many ex-het Lesbians choose to go back to men for privilege. I certainly remember my Lesbian Separatist lover, much more privileged than me on every level, who I held as she told how abused she’d felt by past boyfriends, how she wished she’d never been with men, felt so damaged by them, crying with her, for her. And only a few years later, she told me in graphic detail how much she loved being fucked by the boyfriend she left me for. She, who had placed limits on our love-making, theoretically because of the abuse she suffered from men, now bragged, “We do everything.”

So please don’t tell me women don’t choose to be het.

And why would a Lesbian say she feels sorry for het women?  Is she in a strange vacuum where she never goes outside, or is she so convincingly passing as het and is so non-threatening to patriarchy that she doesn’t get Lesbian oppression? Feminists who obey male-identified rules of femininity will complain about being sexually harassed by men. I can tell them that if they stop all participation in those male rules (which freaks out most women to where they won’t even consider it, making up the most bizarre reasons for why they have to wear toxic makeup, ugly dresses, etc.), they will no longer be sexually harassed by male strangers. Of course, they might be assumed to be a Dyke and get dirty looks and insults. That is the main reason women keep participating, as well as wanting to attract the “male gaze” which they hypocritically complain about. (This double standard was very clear when a “radfem” online who had tried to stop a discussion about Butch oppression and about the privilege of women who obey male rules of femininity posted on her own page a photo of a little girl in lurid makeup, saying she was a “princess.”)

I can’t avoid seeing the looks of contempt aimed me for just being my unapologetically Lesbian and Butch self. This disapproval and hatred are not just from men, but from het women in this area, many of who have far more privilege than I could ever hope to have. So no, in spite of the bizarre “radfem” line that being a Lesbian is being privileged, it clearly isn’t. How can it be? Choosing to be a Lesbian means being harassed, raped, and too often, killed, for saying no to men. It means that during your vulnerable teenaged years your girlhood friends turn on you because suddenly you are something to despise. (And for those who insist there is no choice, do you really think we forget what you did to us?) It means having your family ashamed of you, disowning you. Too many young Lesbians are locked up in psychiatric hospitals by their families where they are tortured. With other oppressions, you usually at least have your own family and friends reflecting you so you are not alone in being treated badly. For the young Lesbian, and even more so, the young Butch, it means being hated and ostracized with no support.

Choosing to be a Lesbian means having less access to money, which also means less access to a place to live, food, medical care, etc. In some parts of the world we are executed. Until recently, we were either a pornographic joke or said not to exist. When some of us dare to talk about how het and bisexual women choose to be with men, we don’t forget how those women once treated us – and many still do — as objects of contempt while parading on their arms of their men. Some of them deliberately go where they know Lesbians will be, like at Dyke Marches, to video the freak show with their men.

When women brag about being with men they are making it clear they are part of the heterosexist power structure, and that we are not. It’s about heterosexist domination when they say how wonderful it is, how they love it, etc. Some ex-het Lesbians do this too, like the “friend” who showed me a photo of an erect prick on her cell phone, and another who showed a grotesque key chain of a male figure also with an erect prick, laughing “this is going to scare you,” and yet another “friend” at a dance who asked our group of Lesbians, “Wouldn’t you like a great big dick right now?” I was the only one who said, “No, I’d rather eat dog shit.” A few minutes later, she publicly humiliated her Never-het Butch lover by announcing loudly that she was the only one who had ever been inside her. In my experience, there is no getting away from this kind of harassment — so then to hear how het women don’t choose, because they have Stockholm Syndrome, is infuriating.

One of the most dangerous examples of anti-feminist het-supremacist propaganda about how all women are helpless victims of all-powerful men – not because of male violence, but because of how “attractive” men are – comes from a much-praised “radfem” blog:

Even to this day if a man is kind to me or just smiles I can still feel this “attraction” and gratefulness that I’d feel before and tried to get rid of, which simply means that men are still our captors and there’s no way we can completely get away from stockholm syndrome so long as they hold us captive. Which is precisely why I know I have to stay away from them as much as I can…

The reason so many of us trauma-bond so instantly and intensely to men in our proximity and sometimes to just any man that crosses our way, whether we are lesbian, celibate, separatist or “het”, is that we are programmed and groomed to react in this way to male threat since birth.

If I hadn’t seen this kind of woman-hating masquerading as feminism reflected elsewhere, I would have wondered if it was written by a man because of its worship of male power. I have never known a feminist to describe men like this. In the Seventies, men were acknowledged as dangerous, but even liberal feminists wrote about men as weak fools, delusional in their assumption of women being attracted to them. Mainstream films, like “Nine to Five,” depicted men as pompous buffoons who had institutionalized power, but were easily dealt with by smarter and stronger women working together. And that was het feminism. Lesbian Feminism was even more scathing towards men. No feminist attributed such power to them as at this blog.

The new “radfem” attitude is disturbing on many levels. This writer is so determined to appear as a helpless victim, not of male violence, but of her own uncontrollable “attraction” to men, that she reads almost pornographic in her masochism. She says she must keep away from men, not because she hates them or recognizes how how dangerous they are, but because she can’t control herself around them.

Men reading this will love it. It’s bad enough that we have the male media bombarding us with images of women swooning over men, and presenting them as being so powerful that they can just take a gun from a woman’s hand because she is crying too hard to fire. (This scene is never shown in reverse or between two men.) Why would any woman calling herself a radfem want women to feel so helpless around men or promote the woman-hating propaganda that all women are captives of men?

Even worse, how dare she implicate Lesbians, celibate women, and especially Separatists in her pervy obsession with men?  Any man in front of us and we “trauma-bond?”  I don’t know any woman who reacts that way other than the most male-worshipping of women. How dare she erase those of us who do not obey men?  Counterfeit Feminism means not taking responsibility for loyalty to males over females. Why can’t she control herself around men?  Why isn’t she naturally repulsed by them?  And even worse, how dare she completely erase the existence of women who do not feel equally obsessed with men by saying “men are still our captor.”

This is classic mind-fuck/gaslighting. It reads like a bad romance novel. She ignores the real reason she was with men, which is privilege. It’s that simple. And saying that women choose men because of “trauma bonding” denies the existence of women who refuse to bond with men in spite of suffering horrific girlhood abuse. The girlhood sexual assault theory again makes Lifelong and Never-het Lesbians invisible.

Patriarchy teaches us we have no control over our attractions and choices, but we do. In fact, most girls do feel attraction/love for other girls that they stifle, and then systematically teach themselves to go against nature in transferring those feeling to males. True feminists would never say that women have no control of sado-masochistic feelings that they’ve learned. The assumption is that women must fight those impulses, knowing how and why they came about, and that they are not innate.

Even after several years of not interacting with men any more and choosing to love only women, I still get invasive flashes and dreams of PIV/rape, and I still TB to men if I can’t avoid them and they’re “friendly”. I hope it will dissipate more over time though.

She is STILL “aroused” (the word she uses earlier) by pricks. Since most longtime Radical Lesbian Feminists I know rarely think about or talk about men except in to acknowledge one more horror they’ve committed, I believe women pushing these victimizing politics are continuing to obsess about men as they have done most of their lives, and are only pretending to want to be done with them. I believe this “radfem” is actually bragging on some level, and is likely to return to the men she can’t stop thinking about. (I’ve certainly seen enough “man-hating” ex-het women do that.)

Sure, PIV is pleasurable, but the political and social prices are not worth it.

Make up your mind – is it horrific rape or is it a “pleasure” that you choose?

This propaganda is destroying the feminist movement. We need to separate completely from these women. They are our enemies. Who does it serve to say that women have no real choice in one of the most important decisions they will ever make?  Men.

Why do too many feminists want to deny the reality of the choices on all levels, weakening and disempowering women. Choices are still being made now.

Another “radfem” online commented:

The fact that all us womyn are thoroughly immersed in Societal Stockholm Syndrome by virtue of having been raised in captivity does NOT mean that we are to be blamed for not freeing ourselves! Always remember that it is the ABUSER, not the victim who is to blame for the abuse, even if the victim has been inculcated into capitulation as her primary mode of coping with her captivity.

I responded:

I don’t see women who support men against women as victims. All women are NOT “thoroughly immersed in Societal Stockholm Syndrome” or none of us would be feminists. Many of us said no on various levels.

WE are the victims of those women. Liberal feminism is so diluted that the politics of understanding about collaborators versus resistance fighters is lost. Those who are blamed are those who are the resistance fighters.  And of course I never say that women who choose men choose to be abused. I’m saying they choose men for many reasons, including because it means going with the flow, fitting in, feeling normal, etc. A few say they were attracted to men, but most I’ve heard say that it was the thing to do and they didn’t question it and so they crushed their love for other women. Some even talk about breaking the hearts of girls who loved them.

Part of this is that we are not supposed to exist in hetero-patriarchy. And we are not supposed to exist among many feminists. The other part is that we are said to have some special privilege to be who we are or that we are just “lucky.” That denies that some of the most oppressed Lesbians I have ever met (oppressed by racism and classism, etc.) are Lifelong Lesbians and/or Butch. We don’t have to speak out to get targeted. We just have to be. But yes, when ex-het Lesbians say “We’ve all been het,” and we dare to say some of us haven’t, that intense hatred of being treated like freaks,  we’ve experienced from hets since girlhood, gets turned on us once again.

We are warned to be quiet and ashamed of being Lifelong Lesbians or being Butch, or we’ll get even more hatred. Not long ago, some “radfems” made cruel posts to simply attack Butches, with one saying we didn’t even exist. We get the brunt of Lesbian-hating in the male and het world, and we also get it from women pretending to be radfems.

This issue is very personal to me because Butch-hating kills. I can’t tell you how almost every Butch I knew when I was a young Lesbian is dead — from cancer, from being beaten to death, suicide…. Three more Butch friends died this year from cancer, and two more diagnosed. One of those was harassed and ridiculed by her family and Lesbian friends at her own birthday party, by being told she should wear a dress and makeup – “to be more of a girl.” Being Butch is closer to what all women would be without patriarchy, and is therefore as far away from being “male” or “masculine” as a woman can be, yet Butches are targeted by pretend radfems as being “like men.” I have actually been accused of “lesbosplaining” and “sounding like a man” by het feminists when I was objecting to their man-loving politics.

This is the way the mindfuck works: “We must protect and defend real women at all costs. Lesbians aren’t real women. Only women who want to be fucked by… oh, excuse me, ‘have sex with’ men are real women.” But if Radical Feminism means really thinking about male crimes, from the boys who torture and rape animals and even little girls, to the majority of men who would rape and kill if they knew they could get away with it, and, as a group, are destroying the earth, then isn’t it logical that this is a war of survival, not just for human females, but for the earth and all other species? And in that case, aren’t women who keep men going, who nurture and reproduce males, collaborators?  Patriarchy and men rely on women. They could not survive without women’s intimate support.

But of course in the new parasitized version of Radical Feminism, no woman is ever to be criticized. (Unless she really IS a Radical Feminist and then she is fair game to be banned, lied about, etc.)  Just keep those women with the most privilege from being disturbed. In fact, forget they exist. So the most privileged het women, secure in being rich, owning companies, property, political power, and with Radical Feminists as servants, must be erased from the mind. Forget you see them in the media or out in the world or in some of your families. Forget the rich women who are film stars who keep the increasing porn in mainstream movies going. Yes, they make less money than men, but many still make millions. Some of these women are writers and producers, like Lena Dunham, whose acclaimed television series, “Girls,” normalizes the most disgusting scenes imaginable, like where Lena’s character’s beloved boyfriend, who continually sexually abuses her, is shown graphically wanking off on a protesting woman’s chest while calling her a “whore.” This series is lauded as “feminist” and Lena is in full charge.

And then there are women like Miley Cyrus who are continuing the pornographic selling of females to make fame and fortune, in the tradition of Madonna, except that she has far greater influence on young girls. These women know exactly what they are doing.

Obey the fake radfem cult. Just keep talking about girls far away who are chained to walls. Definitely ignore the ones who are so proud of their men and who look at Lesbians like we need to be exterminated. Forget the ones who fire and evict Lesbians, and who join with their men to destroy us.

It’s actually horror movie scary how women who want to be Radical Feminists, but who are indoctrinated into Counterfeit Feminism, respond to obvious female-hating atrocities, like when a Radical Feminist posted in our Radical Feminist group about women who sell their little ten year old girls to men who hire them out to be daily, multiply raped. This is so premeditated that the women first pay to get their daughters medically certified as virgins because then they will make more money selling them. One little girl escaped home, but her mother sold her again. Some of the true Radical Feminists in our group responded with reasonable outrage, saying they would sell themselves first rather than ever sell their daughters, But others actually lectured us about how oppressed the mothers were, they didn’t have a choice, etc. I wondered at what point they would hold a collaborator accountable. We wrote about some of the more outrageous cases in our book, like what about the women who lined up to marry serial rapist and murderer Ted Bundy when he was on death row:

Ted Bundy confessed to murdering 23 young females in four U.S. states. He’s suspected of actually murdering over a hundred. He usually vaginally and anally raped his victims before murdering them, and in at least one known instance he forced one girl to watch while he raped and murdered another, before killing her also. Many of the bodies were found decapitated and otherwise mutilated. It’s believed that his first victim was an eight-year-old girl who he killed when he was 14. After he was in jail for two years, a woman named Carol Boone married him. The night before his execution for murdering 12-year-old Kimberly Leach, his mother told him, “You’ll always be my precious son.”

In 1987, Robert Chambers strangled Jennifer Levin, his 18-year-old friend, and left her half-naked body in Central Park in New York City. He claimed she was forcing him to have “rough sex” with her and he killed her “accidentally”! Since his family is very rich, they hired the best lawyer money could buy, and Chambers was let out on bail. In December, 1987, before the trial even began, he went to a “slumber party” consisting of just him and four women. A videotape was made of the party, showing the women wearing pajamas, laughing, dancing, and playing sado-masochistic games with each other and with Chambers. At one point, he holds a Barbie doll up to the camera, twists its head around and says, “Oops, I think I killed her.” In another scene, one of the women plays at being a baby crying and tells him, “I’ll tell everyone.” He says, “I’ll say you’re lying. I lie and they believe me.” The women were laughing throughout these scenes, even though they were also Jennifer’s friends. One of them, Chambers’ new girlfriend, was interviewed on TV. She said she “loved” him, that he was “warm and funny,” and that everyone at the party knew he’d confessed to the murder. She said he’d received over 400 letters of support, many from women. When asked how she felt about the murder, she said, “I don’t feel it’s really my business.”

How about Susan Smith who murdered her two sons because the man she was leaving her husband for didn’t want her kids, and blamed it on a mythological “Black man”–  or Nancy Garrido, who helped her husband abduct Jaycee Dugard at eleven years old, keeping her prisoner to rape and impregnate for twenty years? What about women kapos in concentration camps, or the Klan members who contribute to bake sales, sew the men’s robes, and cheer at lynchings.

What about the laughing woman who was concerned her fifteen year old son had been raping chickens since he was eleven, not because he was torturing innocent small animals, but because he might get an STD. The boy was shown stroking the chicken as if he loved her, calling her cute, and then showing her cloaca where he rapes her. The announcer says that chickens are easier to get than “girls.” Throughout the video, comparisons are made with consensual heterosexuality. Finally, his mother says she should get him a prostitute, even though she thinks he might have STDs. (  There is another video of a different boy showing him actually raping a chicken, but this isn’t it.)

I know women whose mothers supported their rapist sons to keep raping their little girls. No one has posted about this, but I can imagine the responses excusing such women. When it’s about women leaving husbands or boyfriends who are raping their daughters, the line (which was unthinkable decades ago) was about how the women have no choice because of fear. But what about a seventeen year old Lesbian whose mother invites a six foot four military man to stay in her daughter’s room over a weekend, where he rapes the girl until her bed and even walls of the room are covered with blood? My friend has very limited memory of this, but remembers her mother being so set on making her het, that she had bought her birth control pills before the extended rape, acting like everything was fine, and afterward mimicked the man’s accent, telling her how easy it would be for him come back and open her window to get inside to rape her again. Please, “radfems” who believe women are always victims, explain this betrayal according to your anti-feminist convoluted female-hating politics.

Many other Radical Feminists, like most women, have experienced horrific abuse as girls by males that their mothers allowed or encouraged for the rapists’ benefit. Calling these women “victims” is a direct betrayal of the real victims, many of who are still vulnerable to these cruel and sadistic women. Even in patriarchal courts, it’s sometimes acknowledged that the men who help the actual rapist are equally accountable. We reject pleas that the men are victims too. Feminists were outraged when I reported that one of the men organizing the community rally for the fifteen year old Richmond, California girl who had been gang-raped for hours outside her high school dance said in his speech that “the rapists are victims too.” That large group of boys and men had texted for their friends to join in. If excuses are made for women who help men against women, why not excuse the men also?

Another post was a link to a dishonest article by a woman who was almost every man’s fantasy of a Lesbian going back to men, blaming San Francisco for making her het again.

This was a classic mindfuck article like many I’ve seen before, by a genderqueer, porn-loving, sado-masochist whose hatred for Lesbians just poured out. She is the worst kind of collaborator, on a par with the bisexual pretend Lesbian sexologists like Pat Califia, JoAnn Loulan, and Susie Bright, who made money off ridiculing and manipulating Lesbians, bringing their porn and sado-masochism into our community in books and workshops – except that this article was entirely for men’s benefit. Yet, in our Radical Feminist group, one newer confused woman wrote an elaborate explanation describing this particularly repulsive writer’s supposed past trauma (never referred to in the article) to explain her betrayal of Lesbians and women, and why she was really another victim. This level of mindfuck is enough to get some of us to just give up.

So why this horrific double standard when applied to women?  It’s like wanting a fantasy world where all females always are trustworthy allies, but that is not reality. Women who push this as a feminist line are losing and betraying women who remember what the truth is. Just as you cannot love both the real victims and their rapist/murderers, you cannot support both the victim and the collaborator.

Feminism in the early Sixties and Seventies was about empowering women to know they were making choices. No superior boss feminist stepped in to tell women to shut up talking about choices because they are so oppressed they must not even think about, let alone form, consciousness-raising groups to discuss leaving their men and to decide whether they should then be celibate or return to their early love for other women.
One “radfem” who was constantly posting extremely man-hating posts actually told the group one day about her husband and how nice he was. I said, “Well, this is amazing. I’m guessing you are going to be honest, unlike some others, and at least admit that you, as a Radical Feminist with a husband, are choosing to be het.”  She actually started to waffle and say she was “Stockholm Syndromed” to make sure she didn’t step out of the cult line of het women as victim only.

Another het “radfem” posted about how a woman who had been fucking with a married man for a year because he had promised to leave his wife was a now a victim of “rape and male violence” simply because her boyfriend stayed with his wife, and shouldn’t she have the right to sue him for fraud, violence, etc.? When I responded that she was defining real violence and rape out of existence and wasn’t the wife the real victim, she started insulting me for being a Lesbian Separatist, completely distorting my politics. She also said “It’s also a form of Domestic Violence for a man to fraudulently obtain sex. Saying that a woman should leave a man when she finds out he’s married is similar to saying that a woman should leave a man who beats her.”

True Radical Feminists who are honest and don’t pretend to be victims of the men they are choosing to be with are rare and precious.

Radical Feminism versus Reformist/Liberal/RightWing/Counterfeit “Feminism” 

If those of us who helped define and invent Radical Feminism are not allowed to say what our movement is, then who is?

I first met feminism in 1970 when I discovered the Lesbian Feminist community in the San Francisco Bay Area. It was intoxicating, with love of women and Lesbians, amazing Lesbian Feminist politics, women only space taken for granted, and support to choose to never voluntarily have to be around males. Male crimes against girls and women were named for the first time, and that awareness of patriarchy was incredibly freeing, explaining so much of what had been wrong with girls’ and women’s lives.

We met in the famous unfacilitated small consciousness-raising groups and read and talked and explored. We created politics and culture and community, with newspapers, journals, books, poetry, music, dancing, parties, bookstores, coffeehouses, dojos, conferences, and gatherings. We were ecstatic with our love for each other.

Some of us continued to go further into what the most radical female-identified feminism would become, which was Lesbian Separatism. We transformed ourselves and our beginning feminist movement into Radical Lesbian Feminism. And we paid a price for it, then as now, being censored, lied about, banned from organizations, and threatened. Some quit at the point at which feminism improved their own lives. And some of us did not. Some of us would not stop until everything was transformed for all females and the earth. Our Radical Feminist movement has a clear, unbroken history that is well-documented if anyone cares to look.

So I am very protective of our movement and culture, and I do not want any more true Radical Feminists driven away by pretender “radfem” bullies. The harassment from the men posing as Lesbians is constant, as are their defenders, but the harassment of the women posing as Radical Feminists is more dangerous because they have more direct access to us. I have been banned from “Radical Feminist” online groups for telling the truth, for listing famous classic books by Radical Feminists of Color (responding to racist white women questioning why there aren’t more Radical Feminists of Color), for defending a woman who was announced to be a troll without enough evidence, for revealing a troll who never denied supporting trans against girls (the man won a lawsuit to be able to continue exposing his prick to girls), for revealing a troll who had her man friend in a Lesbian caucus, for calling a Radical Feminist my friend who had been physically and emotionally abused by the moderator of a group, etc. I’ve seen other Radical Feminists unfairly banned from “Radical Feminist” groups also for the crime of being truly Radical Feminist.

I want women to feel free and not trapped. Talking about choices is not about trying to make anyone feel bad for having made bad choices in the past or even about the choices they’re making now. I’m just asking them to acknowledge the truth instead of pretending to be victims. Most of us have been victims of men and boys. That’s different that choosing men to love and making that public enough to get additional privilege.

It’s the same with choosing male-identified femininity, which is giving men what they want and getting privilege at the direct expense of women and girls who are saying no.  Men want all women to be marked by them. They can’t stand it when women refuse to humiliate themselves by masking their faces in toxic lurid makeup that mimic sexual arousal, or accept the badly-made, exposing clothes and crippling shoes they demand women wear as well as refuse to hate their bodies enough to shave off most of their natural body hair. (Women who are anti-prostitution advocates should be aware that makeup and nail polish used to be part of how prostitutes advertised what they were willing to do.) Women aren’t even allowed to have natural eyebrows. (And plucking permanently marks women’s faces as women who have obeyed men.)

Men want women to be immediately identifiable even from a distance as prey and for ridicule. Women aren’t even supposed to be grounded or to safely stand or walk. Men also want women to be terrified at being considered to be Lesbians. No woman is allowed to be in the media without some obvious difference in her clothing from males’ clothing/shoes, etc. Even when feminists have posted online showing reversals of common sexist media images of het couples by switching clothing and trying to show the man in the women’s role, the women’s postures and stances are still submissive.

Most feminists fighting this will still only go so far, yet how can they be against gender while participating in that most female-hating culture? This was one of the most powerful ways that feminists in the Seventies said no to men and male rules. Women in deep with the femininity cult will come up with the strangest reasons why they won’t stop, including that they think they look ugly if they don’t mask their faces into looking grotesque. It all comes back to privilege and wanting to be accepted as “normal,” as well as being in competition with other women. Challenging and changing male-identified femininity is in itself revolutionary. It’s one of the most important ways to say no to patriarchy and is extremely freeing.

Some of our best Radical Feminists are honest about being with men and the privilege they’re getting and do not say they are victims. For those with men who really feel that they’re a victim, then stop. If they can’t because of literal survival, then they are prisoners, not het. (But if this is asked outright, usually women in the Radical Feminist groups will suddenly change their minds because they want status for being with men, as much as they might complain about it.) If they are honest, most women will not leave men because of not wanting to lose the tangible rewards, which the rest of us do not have and never had. It’s not just money and property, but status, including how you feel about yourself. If you can’t bear your family and friends to think that you might be a Lesbian if you leave your man, what are you thinking about us?

Every time you talk about women being victims and having no choices, you are helping patriarchy to keep women trapped. Women are trained to be passive enough. It’s hard enough for women to be able to talk about how they have been betrayed by women. Who is it who wants women to think they naturally belong to men and no choice is possible?

I say to the pretenders gutting Radical Feminism, as I say to the male pretenders — call yourselves whatever you want, just stop trying to steal our name, our movement, our culture, and then parasitizing it for your own use. I say the same to the trolls, and to those who “don’t want to know” what harm that a troll is doing to Radical Feminism and to individual women — please be responsible enough to recognize that we cannot have a movement of women who don’t care about each other, and if that troll, whether paid agent for the enemy or someone who just enjoys pitting women against each other, is not named, held accountable, and stopped, then she will eventually hurt you too. We are in this together. If there is a doubt, let’s make a forum where all concerned can talk freely, with no banning so all can decide what the truth is.

Real Radical Feminists do not prevent discussion about past betrayals of our community. Those who do not know history are condemned to repeat it. Those who try to prevent discussion about the past that is relevant to now are harming our community. The personal is political. We need to know which women supported men and the trans cult against Radical Feminists. We need to know who lies and uses online bans to eliminate evidence in an attempt to rewrite history. If some women truly do regret betraying us, they will say so, apologize, and explain. They will not make up more lies to continue slandering those who are warning our community about them. And they certainly won’t threaten women to silence them.

Question everything you have been taught is the truth, and know that the more privilege you have, the more likely you will be oppressive unless very careful. It is a constant struggle to not let our Radical Feminist community absorb the dominant male-worshipping, false-femininity worshipping, sado-masochistic, competitive, hateful patriarchal culture.

If you are outraged when a Radical Feminist says something “too radical,” too man-hating, too questioning of the myths about femininity or het supremacy, then stop and realize what you are reacting to, and consider whether you are trying to stop the truth from being said. Don’t force us to go over what was solved forty years ago – try to learn our past so we can finally go on.

For those who are not Radical Feminists yet, but who are excited about our politics, please do not come into our community, ordering and lecturing as if you are our boss, when you haven’t even bothered to learn the history and the work of this movement. Also, if you are privileged, do not try to impose your dominant culture on us, whether it is heterosexist, classist, racist, ableist, ageist, fat oppressive….

If you’ve been drawn to feminism but still feel like an outsider because you are seeing some of the same heterosexist, racist, classist oppressive crap that is in the rest of patriarchy, know that that is not true Radical Feminism but a posturing imitation.
Real Radical Feminism is the opposite of Counterfeit Feminism. We can still have that excitement that was Radical Feminism, but we need to recognize who is and who isn’t truly Radical Feminist. Trying over and over to accept the bullies and trolls who often dominate is done at the expense of the women who should be with us. We need not just a growing, powerful, truly Radical Feminist movement that welcomes all girls and women, but a refuge, a safe space where we can finally talk about the most radical of feminist politics, to go as far as we can. We want the women who have been isolated, marginalized, and othered to finally know they are not alone and that they have finally come home.

Posted in Additional Radical Lesbian Feminist writings | Tagged , , , , | 56 Comments