by Bev Jo
I had never seen anything like this before… Her eyes slide to the side as passion moves her, Our hearts beating in synch, our breathing matched. I do know what to do. I always have. How slow to go, where to be, Knowing I bask in the safety of how much she needs me. I give her everything she asks for – she does not need to speak – Her eyes tell me, drawing me inside, pupils opening wide, wider, Black replacing color, like entering a cave, moist and inviting. This will never be boring, but always exciting. Is the roar if hear, I feel, from our blood pulsating, Or ocean waves soaring?
So much talk of being in the Here and Now – Some spend years trying to learn how to be deeply in the moment, But I know it now – You’ve taught me the way a religious experience ought to be – Transcendent with no meditation necessary.
Oh I love that moment where I lose it – And can find no track of time. No longer watching, thinking, wandering Through the convolutions of my mind. My, for once, just here and nowhere else Because you captivate me, Capturing my full attention, Sliding into those eyes, pulling me into your core. Feeling you grasp me so tightly I can’t catch my breath. You leave me breathless. This is beyond wild. Taste of your lips, scent of your breath. So glad I can smell you with no false odors between us, Your natural pure aroma intoxicating.
All that money I could have spent trying to be in the now. Not hard to stay on track if I start to wander – you bring me right back. I don’t need to look to see where I am going. I could do this in the darkness, But I love to see your eyes, Every feeling reflected, As you ask me to share it, again, again, again, Will there be no end? I feel you changing. So much liquid with water signs. Feeling so much brings no fear But is freeing to feel more, and more. Softness turns to tension and you are so close, and come nearer, nearer, “Share it with me,” you say, And I do, I do, over and over and over, again and again… As the waves of wildness subside, I don’t have to fear that my mind will finally wander because we return to where we’ve been and start again. This kind of night I waited for all my life, I worry we could ignite if it wasn’t so moist in here, You can barely speak, but whisper “Oh, do not stop,” making it clear that
I am truly in the here and now.
THE HAUNTING –
FOOL MOON IN SCORPIO, MONTH OF TAURUS
Thirteen years ago, this month, this May, I was dazzled by a promise of love so sweet, I didn’t notice I had lost my way.
I was bought and sold a pile of goods, A passel of lies. Fought over and won, I was the prize, But what a surprise awaited me. Oh, tricked so deep, I didn’t even care if I came out alive.
The deeper I went, the freer I felt, So far, far away, so far from me. I felt I was coming home as the circle closed, Coming back to the beginning. Lost in eyes with limitless depths, the wriggling pile of lies Centered me, distracting me from grief.
My mother warned, “They want something from you. Don’t go there alone – they might eat you!” How right she was – Oh yes, that one almost ate her too, Sucked her right in, but what a glow – We basked for a while, Not feeling the cold behind the fire, Not realizing the cord to the light Came from our own warm hearts and my own desire.
We provided the juice for the Empty One – so empty inside underneath her shimmering lies, Behind the stories, the entertainment, The dreams, she gave me dreams While stealing my heart, tearing me apart. Oh, I didn’t care as I swam in her juices, Tossed in her waves, melting, Almost lost in her cave, The steady dripping, dripping, filling up Until I could scarcely breathe – Breathless, she had me breathless. Her eyes led me back, tracing my way, Following the strands of lies from Ireland to England, Thoughts of Yorkshire permeating us both Until I was so very far from home. Oh I did roam so far from home, Though she had named her very body my home.
So cold and dark, in summer, it was on that mountain in Ireland. I remember the night of endless stars, Newly in love, in ecstasy, Why so much sorrow, so much grief? Why could I not see that she did not Seem truly alive, for all her performances, her drama, her tragedies?
I’d seen her change before my eyes, Face growing different, hard, and oh so cold, frozen in cruelty. Her sweet voice which had once captivated me, now transformed harshly, accusing, Eyes blank and dull, which had Glowed a few moments before. Where did she go? Only the mask had fallen, The stolen joy gone, This cold thing was her, Underneath the bright shiny lies, This sullen cold thing was my love. Too late to back out now, Away from the immoveable object.
I swear I will make this work. By the force of my will, with all of my strength, and the power of my love, I swear I WILL make this work.
Surely her lover for me was real? She had given up so much for our love. She proved it time and again, While draining my life force away.
I wondered if we would die there By the hand of her ghost. That hand that I felt on my shoulder, Shuddering as I struggled to sleep. Was it a threat, a warning, a comfort? Poor ghost, having witnessed her madness all those years before. And now I am left so many ghosts, so very many little ghosts to remember.
Oh what desperation made me bring The vampire home? Why did I bring the tantruming vampire home? Into my heart, into my life, Into my room, into my home, into my bed? Into my bed… So I could never think again, Never be alone, to remember, To know, to think what was missing, What was lost.
She left her scent on my mind, Her passion on my skin, Her stories on my wall. She left her pain on my heart And I didn’t want her to go. She clung to me so, And I promised to never let her go.
Extrication came with fire, Such burning and pain, Pushed so hard and reeled back again, Years of this game. Punished for my crime of refusing To join in her lies, She denied our decade together, our very love. Yet for all she took, she did not steal every drop of my blood, and she did not steal my soul. She wanted me dead, Yet I remain.
So now, 13 years later, This spring, this May, She no longer stalks me. I am free, so free. Surrounded by green and water falling, Rushing and roaring, the sacred trees. I can see it all clearly now Like the sky washed clean by the rain,
And I am free.
Sometimes I have glimpses of what used to be, My life from before, or what is coming, Swiftly, sharply seen brightness, like sunlight glancing off water running. So clear and sure it comes to me, The knowing like when everything slips right into place, all as it should be.
The love of my life came to me more than once, twice, thrice, countless times, Each better, deeper, wilder. I feel it like new green growth bursting from the earth, magic flowing,
But this time I may say no.
I do not have to rush, leap headlong into the abyss. If love is true, I can take my time. If love is real, it will not miss. We can take a slower dance, while I learn the rhythm of your heart and the truth of your mind. Not one thing left to chance, Until I know no lie lurks inside,
And our hearts open like the first time.
QUARTET OF NEW LIFE
Tiny jewels of beings just born, Golden orbs, cuddling, huddling together. Holding each other so tightly, While a few brave ones start their journey, helping the rest, So sure and capable, though just hatched.
Humans hate you, but I love you For the treasures you are — tiny beautiful perfect
Old growth primordial forest, Tallest trees in the world, Ancient deep green, roaring creek, radiant flowers, glowing ferns everywhere, and there, easily missed amongst the height of the trees,
I see them, Looking right at me, Hissing, cuddling together, Rare, endangered babies,
Oh these tiny creatures, Soft beyond belief, Full of life, and oh so open to love. Exquisite little hands hold me, While sweet eyes look into mine, Tiny tongue covers my lips with kisses, Such kindness, wisdom, and capacity for self-sacrifice.
Why would any fool fear or hate you, Or despise your innocent little tails? I know squirrel love but these perfect beings, I have bonded with –
I almost step on her in the shadowed light. Exquisite colors and patterns so bright. Darting sweet black tongue – Such a frightened little one.
Does she know that with one strike of her tiny mouth, she could kill anyone who dares threaten her?
She appears as a tiny pumpkin in this ocean twilight, How did she become so round, Orange orb, glowing so bright?
fog of loneliness flows along the growing chill of the night air. Halloween time again and I hope for ghosts. So many ghosts I long to see, to feel, to hear, To be with again. If they visit, I do not know of them. But other shadows come instead in this darkness. It is an interesting evening.
First, the magnificence of such a fancy person, With her long fluffy tail and her exquisite Black and white patterns. My gentle skunk friend visits every night and I can almost touch her.
Then the other shadows come, shyly at first, Hesitant, but so curious, growing bolder. Such beauty in this night, Little ghostly forms like small pale bears. Six spectors. I greet them and feel the softness of their Tender leathery hands holding my hands. I love their intense earnest faces. No tricks from these clever masked brave bandits. Just pure treat in their little hands so sweet, And wise gleaming dark eyes that hold mine.
The time of longing between feeling love
and that first touch is well worth the wait.
Even when you don’t know how
much longer you can take
– such aching inside –
Does she feel the same?
How can this be?
No lies here –
Your eyes meet,
each seeing the love
sparking the fire of passion wildly,
Breathing quickens, deepens,
Knowing the desire shared –
No longer alone in it.
The irises of her eyes widen –
No end to their depths –
Pulling you inside –
Oh god –
Her love mirroring yours –
Needing, knowing, feeling such yearning –
Both reaching, both finding –
The love sweeps you along –
Hearts melting, fires burning –
Like a dance, the circle of balance
Turning over and over, spinning,
Flowing one into the other
And back again.
Wanted and wanter,
Desired and desirer,
Loved and lover.
Not just one, but together –
Not just me, but you –
I am not ready to commit myself to a lifetime,
You told me quietly.
Yet I want to wrap my love around you throughout this cold night,
While you hold me oh so tightly.
It’s all right – it doesn’t have to last longer than
The orange flicker of this candlelight.
Or we can go alone together
Where we hear the roar of the ocean,
Its midnight mist moistening our faces,
Salty brine inside and out,
While meteors shoot across the dark sky
Of this new moon,
No other light blocking our way,
And soon we smell the blossoms unfurling
Their flavor only in this quiet of night.
We can take this path to see where it will lead.
We can kiss until our hearts melt.
And for these hours you can be mine
While knowing I am yours.
We can take it one night at a time.
Electricity coming off you,
Sparkling like blue light,
Like an ethereal wine, shocking,
That, is what I’ve been missing
In this search of mine.
Settling is not even considered.
This is where love can become a drug.
And I’ve been that way before.
Ah, but that magic beginning.
Nothing can compare,
Where we glance and
Then dare to look –
Directly at each other.
Neither turns her eyes away
In fear or embarrassment.
That is a very good sign.
My god, the depths here.
I can’t see the bottom.
There is no bottom,
This could be a love of friendship,
A love of equals.
This could be the thrill of a lifetime.
So much potential
and we’ve yet to touch.
No needing to remind oneself
To stay in the Now.
When with you,
There is nothing but Now.
There is so much.
I can see that remembering to eat,
Could become a serious problem.
Do we care?
Not when we dare to share
This kind of love.
Bev Jo – March, 2011