IF LOOKS COULD KILL

Looksism: The Most Personal Oppression

Bev Jo

Men teach us that there are intrinsic standards of beauty (“aesthetics”) that apply to people, but these standards are political and manipulated, and aren’t an innate part of ourselves. If we don’t think them through, we’ll just accept them and think they come from inside us.

Patriarchy couldn’t exist without a complicated network of lies that are made to feel so familiar that they’re taken for granted as the truth. When you believe those lies, you believe in patriarchy. When you support those lies, you support the rule of male over female and the rule of the more privileged over those they oppress. But when you decide to question and reject patriarchal beliefs, you challenge patriarchy at its core.

In order to improve our lives and to even survive, we must challenge every lie we’re taught.  Changing the basis of what you’re taught to believe is “natural” or “unnatural,” “normal” or “abnormal,” “beautiful” or “ugly,” changes everything. Recognizing patriarchal cons as universal, rather than our own personal problem, is Radical Feminist. We don’t just accept other lies we are taught, like that sado-masochistic feelings are innate and inevitable – we say no to them.

Fear of being oppressed by being called “ugly” is part of what motivates many women to be looksist by “othering” and marginalizing women with the least looks privilege. Yet, what if we could create more camaraderie and empathy among us, instead of the usual  competition?  We are all in this together — all women are vulnerable to looksism. Unlike most of the other issues that divide women, no woman is guaranteed looks privilege forever.

This is an oppression by which girls and women torture themselves, mutilate themselves, and kill themselves – because of focusing their self-hatred (driven by patriarchal rules) on themselves.

Some consider looksism a trivial issue, but it reaches right down into the heart of who is loved and who is rejected. It is one of the major weapons that patriarchy uses to divide women. Other oppressions are linked with looksism, but looksism is the most difficult to get political acknowledgement and support about. The politics of looksism is connected with genocide and gynocide.

Most women never feel attractive enough, because male standards of beauty are unnatural and keep changing. The patriarchal media and corporations make billions off selling women surgery and toxic products that damage their health and, ironically, their looks. These stinking products also literally kill, and pollute the earth and water.

Yet women could be freed from this self-destructive game if they used basic Feminist politics to examine and reject male “beauty” standards that, in reality, are often quite ugly. Most women are afraid to even think about what is truly beautiful because it completely disturbs their sense of reality. Some question particular standards, but don’t question what is named beauty itself in patriarchy. I see so many feminists talking around the issue, but clearly still believing the artifice that what men tell us is beautiful, in reality, is.

Mainstream media shows us almost no images of Lesbians or women just looking ordinary. Women are portrayed grotesquely altered in ways that men never are, and women are judged by completely different standards than men are. In the media, the more sloppy and “unattractive” (by the standards set for women) that men are, the more attractive and “manly” they are considered to be. Even ageism seems to not be problem for old men if they are rich enough.

Because of the pressure on all girls and women to alter ourselves, mothers police their daughters, and women police other women, including friends, to fit the various male standards of looks and femininity. The more natural and unaltered a woman tries to be, the more policed she is. Her weight, hair, clothes, shoes, etc. are all criticized in an effort to make her obey male rules.

When I explore issues that affect Lesbians and women, I think about who does it serve — and who doesn’t it serve — to believe what men, and women allied with patriarchy, tell us about how we should look and about what is attractive or “ugly.”

I grew up seeing that my mother’s measurement of value for herself and other women was based primarily on how they looked. Were they “’good-looking” or not?  Her standard of what was considered “good looking” was rarely based on what I considered to be intrinsically beautiful – a girl or woman who was natural, courageous, strong, kind, and loving, who thought for herself, no matter the opposition, who fought for justice, and was radiant with a love of life and nature. A female who glowed with love for other females added to her handsomeness. And she did not follow or reflect the demeaning artificiality women use who obey patriarchal rules of “beauty.” She refused all signs that would mark her as a man’s woman.

I remember my mother calling one of the first girls I was in love with (when I was five), “homely.”  I didn’t know what it meant until she told me, but I remained convinced that that girl was beautiful.

When we are trained from our beginnings with propaganda about what beauty is and what ugliness is, and who to trust and who to fear, we are also taught what our roles are to be in patriarchy. Grotesque Disney cartoon images and later animation teach us what “normal” women are supposed to look like, even if they are a travesty of a female hippopotamus with a bow on her head and garish lipstick on her mouth. No female animal ever looks or sounds the way they are portrayed in patriarchal media. But when you grow up with bizarre, unnatural images, it’s hard to not internalize them. Even later animation that attempts to be less sexist still shows females, including animals, in some form of traditional male-defined feminine role that hurts all females.

One day I went with a group of Lesbian friends to an aquarium. I saw some of the most amazing beings I’ve ever met – cuttlefish, who are cephalopods, related to squids and octopuses, and considered to have primate-level intelligence.  As soon as I saw them I again wondered how anyone could believe the story we’re taught that “man” is the furthest evolved of all animals. Humans are animals, but men are so obviously not the pinnacle of perfection.

The cuttlefish were soft and sensuous, swimming by gently rippling the edges of their bodies, with ever-changing patterns and flashes of color flowing over them.  They use their colors to communicate, and can decide to show intricate designs and colors on one side of their body which are completely different from the other side. Even though they were captives in a sordid place, there was a deep sense of peace about them. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen any being as beautiful.

I moved closer to the glass, and a cuttlefish came up and looked deeply into my eyes. She had to work hard, undulating the edges of her body so that she stayed at eye level with me. I felt that she was speaking to me, but I couldn’t understand. I wanted desperately to free her and the others. I was in awe of these exquisitely beautiful beings.

As people passed by, I began to hear their comments. “God, I’ve never seen anything so ugly. What is that weird thing?” The hatred aimed at these luminous beings was a shock.¹   I’m used to Lesbians getting this kind of treatment, but not usually animals. This was an example yet again of people obeying patriarchal rules about what is considered beautiful and what is called ugly.

I wanted to protect the cuttlefish as I want to protect Lesbians and all females. I felt more clearly than I ever had before that some men and some women’s alliance with the worst men means they don’t just hate us — they hate all life — except, of course, that life which is useful to them. To protect ourselves from such hatred we have to change everything we’ve been taught by patriarchy about what’s “beautiful” and what’s “ugly.” That changes how we relate to each other and to life itself.

The Politics of Beauty

Hetero-patriarchy is based on lies: the lie that patriarchy is inevitable, the lie that males are superior to females, the lie that all females are naturally meant to be het and/or mothers, the lie that Family is good, wholesome, and necessary, the lie that racism and classism are inevitable, the lie that christian European-descent peoples and cultures are superior (even though their “superior” technology is destroying the Earth), the lie that all animals and plants are inferior to mankind, and the lie that a Higher Power has created innately good and innately bad people on Earth who are easily recognizable, because god bestows “beauty” on the “Good” and marks the “Bad” with “ugliness.”

One of the earliest, cruelest lies we learn is that we should fear and hate those who are different from the hetero-patriarchal norm – even if it’s our own selves. From fairy tales to the film industry, the “ugly,” “deformed,” or old person is depicted as evil, while brutal men who have the power of life and death over us are considered “attractive” and “charming.” The courageous witch is called “hideous,” while some of the most dangerous men on Earth are called “handsome.” And of course, Dykes are portrayed as unnatural and horrible, if we’re mentioned at all.

Children are barraged with this destructive propaganda in cartoons and animation, so most children quickly learn that children’s society often means the popular, “attractive” children ally in groups who exclude and sometimes bully the less “’attractive.” (Classism and racism and other oppressions also greatly affect who is popular, including how children appear, whether they wear more expensive, new clothes versus used, shabby ill-fitting clothing, to having surgery to correct “defects.”)

In a recent blog post a feminist described why she was accepted in a male group: “I was exactly what a Boy’s Club wanted. I was a young, not-hideous woman who passionately supported their cause.” I’m still in a bit of shock that a self-described feminist would use the term “hideous” to describe other women and am still wondering what she actually meant. Certainly, by the context, old women might be considered “hideous,” but I’m also thinking Lesbians, women oppressed by racism, ableism, etc. What kind of feminist thinks other women who lack her privilege are “hideous”? This is more than just projecting and spreading how the men would think, but reflect her own thoughts and politics. It’s horrific that any feminist would use “hideous” to describe any women. But that reflects how acceptable looksism has become.

Looksism is often ignored even by politically aware Radical Feminists, partly because it isn’t considered a valid oppression by male political groups. Yet looksism is intensely political, and is used to perpetuate all other oppressions, including heterosexism, sexism, racism, anti-Semitism, classism, imperialism, ableism, ageism, and fat oppression. The people who are visibly a member of an oppressed group get the worst treatment. Those who are clearly more Butch, fat, dark, disabled, older, or not yet adult, and poor are more oppressed than others of the same group who look less blatant. Those who look the most female – the most like Dykes – get treated far worse than those who look effeminate and who obey the rule of male-defined “femininity.” It’s no coincidence that gay men attacking in print Lesbians who they had never seen, called the Lesbians both “man-hating and “ugly.”₃

When men control governments, they control the cultures of their countries. The most powerful countries also influence and control the cultures of others. Men in power decide which faces and bodies are to be loved and admired, which are to be tolerated and pitied, and which are to be shunned and despised. Those decisions are based on what will serve men, regardless of the pain and oppression they cause. In many parts of the world, white/European-descent gentile men have enforced the idea that pinnacle of perfection is rich, thin, young, able-bodied, het, christian, light-skinned Euro-descent men, even though, as a group, those are the most selfish, hateful, thieving, murderous, and destructive men on Earth. This propaganda protects patriarchy by setting up women to fight each other on behalf of “their” men.

Instead of bonding together, oppressed people who are more privileged than others in the patriarchal hierarchy are more likely to despise those that the men in power designate as beneath them. That’s how oppression continues: the rich woman knows she’s not worth as much as a man, but at least she feels superior to a poor woman. The poor woman is treated badly, but if she’s thin and has “good looks,” she can pride herself on that. The fat poor heterosexual woman knows she’s despised, but at least she’s “normal” and not a Dyke. The lowest in status are those who are the most oppressed and who suffer multiple oppressions – the racially or ethnically oppressed, never-het, Butch, lifelong Dykes who are fat, poor, old, disabled, and considered ugly.

One of the cruelest aspects of patriarchal hate propaganda is that it can even make one’s own group seem alien, while the more privileged group appears in the media as cozily familiar. Studies were done in the U.S. using two sets of dolls that were identical except for color, with one group dark-skinned and the other light.³ Young children were asked which doll “you would want to be, you want to play with, is a nice color and would take home if you could.” In spite of African-American Pride movements, 65% of the African-American children chose the light-skinned dolls.  This is alarming evidence of the effects of institutionalized racism in which everyone in the U.S. is taught that European-descent, especially WASP, appearance and culture is the best. (There is a excellent more recent video of African-descent girls talking about the effects of racism on themselves and the idea of beauty — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjy9q8VekmE)

Racist propaganda has been going on for hundreds of years. History is re-written so that the accomplishments of racially oppressed cultures not only are hidden but are often credited to their oppressors and the invaders of their countries. Many light-skinned peoples pride themselves on the lie that the ancient civilizations of Egypt were created by people who looked like them. Much of the evidence of the truth has been systematically destroyed over the centuries, yet there are still many portraits and sculptures that survive, showing dark-skinned ancient Egyptian queens and kings.  Drawings from several hundred years ago show the face of the Great Sphinx of Egypt to be clearly African, and not Arabic or European.⁴ The Sphinx was not eroded into unrecognizability by weather and time, as so many historical and archeological books claim. Invading soldiers deliberately used her for target practice until she was no longer identifiable as African.⁵ African and African-descent researchers have made this public, but most white/European-descent historians still ignore and deny these facts – just as they deny proof that humans were in the Americas for over forty thousand years and came from the south and central Pacific as well as from Siberia, as if that gives Euro-descent people more claim to the land they stole. Their painters and sculptors even portray their Jewish god and followers as looking northern European.

Racism fuels some lies, while male-supremacy fuels other lies. Male historians deny the existence of female-centered cultures before patriarchy existed.

Who knows what else has been changed? There are still a few statues of female sphinxes, but most ancient representations of women from many cultures throughout the world have been altered or destroyed, leaving us little evidence of the time before men took power. (Max Dashu’s Suppressed Histories Archives is a wonderful international comprehensive counter to patriarchal lies.) Male historians also attribute as many of women’s accomplishments as possible to men, and when they can’t ignore certain women in history, they make sure they are portrayed as heterosexual and devoted to men, even when they are well known to be Lesbians. A more recent version of this male re-writing of history is when the transgender cult describes Dykey women and Butches from the past as being “transsexuals” or “transgender,” and actually calls them by male pronouns!  Nothing like desecrating the memory of dead women on behalf of men.

The politics of the European christian gentile ideal of beauty developed when the European aristocracy decided they needed excuses for oppressing their own poor people and the people in the countries they invaded. When the Roman Empire had invaded and controlled most of Europe, northern Europeans were considered uncivilized and inferior savages by the imperialistic Romans, but when they themselves later became invaders, they also called their victims “savages,” making those people less human and somehow deserving of the atrocities the Europeans committed against them. (Other patriarchal cultures, such as Islam, were also spread by invasion from Arabia into Africa, parts of Europe, Asia, and reaching to Indonesia, and did similar things, but the European dominance, which is still affecting many of us, went beyond imperialism into genocide.) Most European cultures became competitive, cruel, greedy, and domineering, and met anyone different from themselves with only conquest, theft, slavery, and murder in mind. (As Bishop Desmond Tutu said, “When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.”

Many christian European and European-descent social scientists have written about people’s so-called “natural” fear and hostility toward those who are different than themselves, but it’s European christians who’ve displayed this quality the most consistently and cruelly. In many countries where Europeans invaded they were at first received with friendship, generosity, and courtesy, even though they looked very different than the inhabitants.  Meanwhile, Europeans named anyone who looked different as “ugly.”

In Europe, the lightest skin was considered “beautiful” because only the rich could be extremely pale, since they didn’t have to work outdoors in the sun.  During the Industrial Age, factory workers were pale from lack of sunlight, while the rich had leisure time to sun themselves at the Riviera, so suntans became “attractive” — as long as it wasn’t someone’s natural skin color.

It’s very likely that thinness became a status symbol because rich European men’s wives were supposed to look fragile and weak, showing that they didn’t need to do any work. The woman’s thinness also made her husband look and feel more powerful by contrast. That mania for thinness is still related to class, nationality, and race.

The supposed “beauty” standards of female facial features are based on the qualities that distinguish gentile Europeans from most other racial and ethnic groups. Some characteristics of “beauty” and “ugliness” don’t seem to fit into set formulas that further racism or ethnicism, because male rule thrives on hierarchy and inequality, so that even in racially similar populations there still have to be standards defining the hierarchy of the “most attractive” to the “least attractive.”  When most people accept those rules, it’s then very easy for them to know their place or be put back in their place if they try to escape. It’s just like hierarchical school play-ground culture – if you don’t like what someone says you can always try to humiliate them by making fun of their looks.

What’s in a face? A face can tell you almost everything about someone – her sex, race, age, class, whether she’s a Lesbian or het, and how female-identified, Lesbian-identified, and Butch she is. People project their inner selves into their facial expression so that you can sometimes tell if you could like or trust someone just by the look on her face.  Expressions can reflect directness and honesty, or manipulation and pretense. If a female chooses to cover her face in make-up and literally change her features through surgery and electrolysis, then she’s making a definite statement about who she is and how she’s likely to relate to you. If her own face isn’t good enough for her, what will she think about yours?

Fear of Nature

I believe that in dominant Euro-centric cultures, we are fed patriarchal lies when we are little girls, which teach us to transfer our reasonable fear of the men and boys who threaten and assault us (often in our own families) onto harmless, innocent little animals — many of whom are revered in other cultures. Most girls are sexually assaulted and all girls are sexually harassed. It is terrible to be living in continual fear, often with no one to go to for support. Why else do girls and women shudder at the thought of certain animals or their body parts, such as snakes and little useful tails on rats and mice, rather than the more dangerous claws and fangs of more popular animals? Films and television producers love to show women screaming in terror at the sight of sweet little animals. Alfred Hitchcock even got women to be afraid of birds!

We are not instinctively afraid of nature and animals. Until fairly recently, nature was the home of humans for millennia, and no one would waste time being afraid of harmless creatures. If it wasn’t for being bombarded with horror stories, we would not be afraid of spiders, rodents, bats, etc.

How many readers just shuddered reading what I wrote, when they envision those animals?  How many shudder when seeing media images of males being worshipped, including sometimes their pricks, and women pornified into grotesque objects? (Girls and women did used to feel horror or disgust at seeing pricks, knowing what they represent. That is what I think we have an inborn fear/revulsion of – not little harmless animals.)

In Laurel Holliday’s book, “Children in the Holocaust and World War II: Their Secret Diaries,” she includes a woman’s story of how, as a little girl, she and her family hid from the Nazis in the sewers of Warsaw. This was a short piece, and yet she mentions how the sewer rats (Rattus Norvegicus, also the domestic rat, lab rat, “pet” rat) were her “friends.” She didn’t say if they brought her food or just kissed and cuddled her to comfort her during such a terrifying time, but it was touching that she included them in her story. Knowing rats’ capacity for kindness, I am sure they could tell how afraid and lonely she was, and so gave her that special deep love that rats know how to give.

(Since originally writing this, I found out about the Rat Community, which is 99% women, most of who are involved in rescuing rats and who go against rat-phobic patriarchal propaganda. Rats are amazingly intelligent, loving, thoughtful little people who are hated and feared by humans who’ve never even known them personally, as also Lesbians and other oppressed peoples are feared and hated.)

Cable television channels that used to show beautiful and informative nature documentaries, now mostly portray wild animals as evil monsters who deliberately want to hurt humans and who therefore must be conquered and destroyed by “courageous,” posturing, cruel men. The men look silly when you recognize that the terrified animal being filmed is clearly trying desperately to escape the hunters, so they rev up the music and intersperse shots of scary close ups of eyes and fangs, often of clearly unrelated species, and repeatedly say how “dangerous” the poor animal is. Most of the remaining channels on animals, science, and nature also show men as conquerors of nature, stalking, hunting, experimenting on, torturing, and killing wild and domestic animals for sport.

Various methods are also used to train people to think of animals as “other” – as not being a person we could identify with or love unless we own them. Instead of saying an animal in a documentary is “eating,” they are described as “feeding.” “The deer were out feeding in the twilight….” When did this ridiculous, pretentious crap begin? Feeding is what somewhat does when giving someone else food, not when they’re eating. And why do people repeat it without thinking?

Instead of using common sense and experience to know that of course animals think and feel emotions as we do, we are ridiculed into believing that it is “anthropomorphizing”₆ to recognize what is obvious until we obey “the expert” and stop. We are taught to disconnect our own experience from what we then believe. This is a basic lesson in patriarchy – ignore your own female wisdom and common sense.

Even animal lovers sound embarrassed and apologize for daring to say the truth that of course animals think and feel. And then too often people believe and repeat the lies that some animals are superior to other animals, so that women who think it’s wrong to eat mammals or birds, happily eat fish and kill spiders. When asked why, a friend told me, “Fish don’t feel as much.” This was a longtime Radical Feminist who surely knew the history of male scientists lying when they wrote declaring that women felt less than men, and that people oppressed by racism felt less than Euro-descent people, and slaves felt less than slave owners. I asked her if she had ever seen/been with fish in their own environment and she said no. Yet she repeated the propaganda against fish, a people she did not even know.

I have swum/snorkeled with fish and saw every emotion in fish in that short period of time that I have seen in humans. I saw curiosity, affection, anger, outrage, happiness, fear, jealousy, and even embarrassment. I spoke to fish I’d never seen before, offering them love, and they immediately responded by coming to me and swimming around me, touching me with what felt like a loving answer. I am very impressed with fish, but I certainly was taught to think of them as barely alive. (And I had only met fish who were lonely, mentally ill captives in tiny containers, bored and terrified, deprived of everything that would make them happy, including being fed what they would chose in their own home. That does not help us to see the complexity of fish emotions.) I have had interactions with insects who I met only the day before and who clearly recognized me and came to me. Animals are amazing if we only bother to notice them.

I know my friend who denied fishes’s feelings had been bullied by a vegan activist who had also given her photos of tortured chicks to bring to our dinner, so I think she was trying to rationalize continuing to eat food she loved and that her body needed, while dealing with the contradiction of animal lovers eating animals. Plants also feel, but unfortunately, we all need to eat someone to survive. I’m not suggesting anyone be vegan since human bodies are designed to be omnivore like many other species, and we do less harm to the environment and other living beings if we are ethical omnivores than if we end up supporting Big Agriculture, including Monsanto, which is cutting down rain forest to plant GMO soy.

Many people also think of plants as not feeling or barely being alive, and some are actually afraid of plants, as they are afraid of nature in general. Plants must be “tamed,” altered, damaged, and made unnatural for humans to feel safe and comfortable with them. So many people are obsessed with pruning, shaping, and distorting plants, which literally hurts the plants and opens them to disease and infection.

Many men happily destroy forests as a way to mark territory. They desecrate and pave land so that no beings can live there anymore. They transform beauty into true ugliness. Wild, free nature makes them uncomfortable.

Who does it serve to think of animals and plants and nature herself as something only to use or to fear?

Most animals are terrified of humans with good reason and are just trying to live in peace, which is impossible when their home is being destroyed. But even some feminists seem to lose their sense and politics when they want to kill every wild animal on “their” land, without realizing that their new property already had inhabitants who have nowhere else to go. A particularly ironic case was a Lesbian couple who were about to have a baby, who hired men to trap and remove – which meant, by law, killing – two baby raccoons who we heard crying all night, in separate traps without water or food. The hungry babies had committed the terrible crime of lifting up newly laid sod to look for grubs and slugs to eat. Planting grass in the Bay Area is not a good idea anyway since it needs an enormous amount of water in an area that gets no rain for over five months a year. I managed to talk the women into letting me release the babies into our yard, where I hoped their mother and siblings would find them. Eventually, I fed all six by our front door and became close with their mother, who would hold my hands when I would feed her. (She was a bit rough with her claws the first time, but stopped when I asked her to be gentle – and she remembered the next year, even after I hadn’t seen her for months. I believe the two trapped babies were permanently traumatized though.)

As a girl, I went from loving every animal I saw, to being terrified of spiders. Finally, when I was eight, I decided that I couldn’t continue living like that. I forced myself to learn about spiders, and, after watching them, my revulsion and fear quickly turned to love. Instead of reacting with fear of being hurt if a spider startles me, I react with fear that I’ve accidently hurt or terrorized her. I worry if I’ve torn her web, and try to offer water or anything that might help her. I see their emotions and tell them I love them. I’m trying to make up for having asked my parents to kill them when I was little, and as a result I’m always meeting little beautiful creatures who I consider my friends. I can handle them without fear and I enjoy learning new things about them. (I’ve discovered that Araneus Diadematus, the beautiful large orb weavers, can dramatically change color to camouflage, and Pholcus Phalangioides seem to mimic the female pheromones of other spider species to entrap males to eat.) If a species is in our house who would not do well, I take them to a safe place. If they are a species who is happy in our house, I water and feed them. I can also grab bees and wasps to take to safety if a human is about to kill them.

I know women who are afraid to walk on trails because they think wild animals will attack them.  I treasure every encounter with wild animals, including rattlesnakes (who always try to escape without striking), and tell women that the only real danger on trails is the same as it is in the cities: male humans and dogs off leash.

Stopping being afraid of nature is incredibly freeing and spiritual. It’s also fun.

Don’t let patriarchy control you and turn you into a murderer or accomplice.

Nature Is Female

Patriarchy’s goal seems to be to destroy Nature and replace her with as artificial a world as possible. Its media are cults of superficiality in which appearance is everything.  Depth, intensity, independent thinking, intimacy, and feeling are all avoided. In magazine ads and on television, emaciated models pose with vapid, cold, arrogant, and cruel expressions. These are the looks that we’re told are beautiful. We’re shown “perfect” bodies that are literally manufactured by men. That’s how men want us to be – as plastic and unreal as their machines. (There are an amazing number of films, television series, and animation/cartoons that portray machines as having human emotion. Men are obsessed with this idea and I can only wonder if that is partly about their own search for the feelings that most seem to lack.)

In their phony world, men have left no room for the natural differences that exist in real bodies, including disabilities. The revulsion patriarchy shows towards people they call “disfigured” is actually part of their revulsion towards Nature herself.  We come in all sizes and shapes, with the infinite variety that Nature loves.  What’s truly repulsive and boring is the image that hetero-patriarchy presents to us as the “perfect woman,” who is shaved/waxed, plastic-surgered, skinny, yet with enormous toxic bags of silicon attached to her chest, pretending to be breasts. (That’s part of what’s so wonderful about going to a large gathering that’s mostly Lesbian, like the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival. It’s one of the only ways to see a small part of the incredible variety of Lesbians who have not changed their natural bodies.)

If we go along with what we’re told, agree to love the bodies they want us to love, and agree to hate the bodies they tell us to hate, then we’re supporting patriarchy, heterosexism, racism, anti-Semitism, ethnicism, fat oppression, ableism, ageism, and even classism. Then we’re serving the male ruling class and we’re despising women who deserve our love and support and who can love and support us.  We end up despising ourselves.

If no female is ever good enough – no hair quite the right texture, no color quite right, full lips surgered, while thin lips are injected with poisonous silicone — then more toxic products and plastic surgery are sold to women, and insecure women are more vulnerable to male predation. Now women who don’t even need glasses are urged to get contact lenses to make their brown eyes look bright blue or green, even though contacts are uncomfortable and harmful to eyes.⁶ Changing fads mean big money. They’re also necessary to keep women obsessed with fitting in and competitive with each other.

Even though many of us have exposed the effects of women contributing to looksism, too many feminists’ attitudes are still that it’s all a matter of different likes and dislikes, tastes and attractions, or that it’s our “’feminine” prerogative to change ourselves. Some women just “happen” to like looking the ways men have decided women should look. If it’s a fad among hets and/or gay men, then it’s “fun” among Lesbians. We’re supposed to believe that bleaching hair couldn’t possibly have anything to do with racist attitudes of “blond is better?” Or that women dyeing their hair when it starts to grey is not about ageism?  (I’m not blaming women for trying to avoid more oppression, but blaming patriarchal attitudes that influence women to harm themselves and other women.)

Some women wear make-up because they say they look awful without it, but don’t seem to realize that it marks them as much as wearing a sign saying “I’m a man’s woman.”  Why else are cosmetics designed to make women look sexually aroused if not to send a message to men?  Besides the usual reddened cheeks and lips, many women mimic high-fashion models who wear make-up on their cheeks that look like bruises. But then men do like to beat women and sado-masochism is an essential part of heterosexuality.

Women against prostitution should be aware that some forms of male-identified femininity that have become mainstream were once signals of the ways that prostitutes were willing to service men, with lipstick for oral sex, red nail polish for hand jobs, etc. Why would any woman want to participate in that? Yet women are now considered to not look proper in some settings without lipstick.

Even someone as courageous as Rachel Maddow has to wear makeup and low-cut blouses on television. Women are never presented as full equals anywhere. Women on the Supreme Court wear ridiculous-looking white ruffles on their chests, as opposed to the dignified ties the men wear. The more you look for the expected differences in appearance, including body language, stance, expression, etc., the more you see.

It’s even more harmful to change our bodies permanently, through surgery and electrolysis, or temporarily, by applying burning, poisonous chemicals to straighten, curl, or color our head hair or to remove our body hair.  Of course, to get a job we usually have to remove our facial hair, but too many women make changes in themselves that are not based on survival needs and are instead based on betrayal of and competition with other women.

Many Lesbians and most het women drastically change themselves because they’ve been convinced that there’s something unnatural about the way our bodies naturally grow. The male medical industry tells us that we’re not supposed to have facial hair, and that if we do it’s a sign we’re “abnormal” because of having too much testosterone. Lesbians are particularly likely to be hit with this insult. As usual, there’s a double standard.  Since men now prefer thinness, they would never consider telling skinny het women with small breasts that they’re deficient in estrogen!  Meanwhile, the fact that some of the Dykes with facial hair also have large breasts, which is a sign of ample estrogen, is ignored because largeness in females is feared and hated.

Men love having reasons to tell us we’re abnormal, and they have the power to declare us normal or not. So they’ve hidden from us the truth that it’s quite natural to have facial hair and “unacceptable” hair on other parts of our bodies.  Even male medical studies show that one-fourth of “normal women college students” and three-fourths of women over 60 have facial hair.⁷ The truth is likely to be even more, since most women remove facial hair and would be unlikely to admit having it if questioned. Yet even in these studies, men persist in referring to a quality shared by one-fourth to three-fourths of women as “abnormal.” But then oppression is never logical, nor are men.

Now they’re telling us that we should be completely hairless, except for scalp hair, eyelashes, and, occasionally, eyebrows (although they are often permanently misshapen or shaved off to be painted back on). We’re even expected to have naked pubic areas. Advertisements constantly flash naked outer labia at us and it’s almost impossible to see a media image of a woman in a bathing suit that doesn’t clearly show a hairless pubic area. Are they going to tell us soon that female pubic hair is unnatural?  Or will they be satisfied with implying it’s ugly, while getting women to fit into their porn fantasies?  Is the motive simply more female-hatred and a new billion-dollar industry?  Or is it a not-so-subtle message that men want adult women to resemble the little girls men like to rape?

This is becoming so mainstream that I’ve read women who call themselves “feminists” who insist it is entirely reasonable to pay money for other women to wax or shave their outer vulvas. Girls who are athletes in sports that force them to wear revealing costumes are also are expected to remove their pubic hair, which means that girls who refuse will be forbidden to do their sport.

Even our voices expected to be unnatural.  Many women pitch their voices higher than is necessary or natural, to prove their “femininity,” making them sound more like little girls.  Then Dykes with naturally deep voices are treated as if they are the abnormal ones. Only certain accents, dialects, and languages are acceptable and anyone who talks differently suffers constant ridicule until she changes. Just like changing your natural appearance, changing your accent denies and betrays your connection with your class, racial and ethnic group, region, country, and your own self.

One of the most bizarre things in terms of looksism, is that many parents are now ordering breast implants for their daughters’ sixteenth birthdays!  Besides the health risk of surgery, and the humiliation and degradation of girls being pressured to have grotesquely large, fake breasts for the benefit of boys and men, silicone implants are so toxic that they have killed women and made others disabled with chronic illness. Once banned, they are again the most common form of implants in the U.S., since money is always more important than girls’ and women’s health and lives.

This is all about making girls and women saleable to men in the most horrifically grotesque, sado-masochistic, and pornified ways. It reflects male desires to have women pay to harm themselves to look bizarre and unnatural in order to fit in with male fantasies. Even more upsetting, women agree to damage their bodies as a way to compete with other women. Some women have even gotten breast implants so unnaturally large that they can hardly walk. It’s bad enough for women to do this to themselves, but to their daughters?

Now some women are actually having parts of their toes removed and metal pins inserted instead so they can fit into tiny designer shoes.₈ Women are also getting parts of their labia cut off if they are “too big” – or as a woman I heard interviewed explained, “so I can be more pleasing to men.” When apologists for such self-hating/female-hating women say it’s about “beauty” and not misogyny, how else would the increasingly popular hymenplasties be explained?

These surgeries are about obeying men and betraying women. Many people understand boycotting and not supporting companies that harm women, but not when it comes to the surgeons, clinics, hospitals, etc. who participate in dangerous surgeries with the only goal being mutilation of female bodies to fit unnatural male demand. Female Genital Mutilation, including clitorectomies and infibulations, are horrific crimes against girls and women that are done against their will, and which can leave life-long pain as well as causing death. Women who voluntarily choose to have their labia cut to fit disgusting female-hating male standards trivialize Female Genital Mutilation and are collaborating with our enemy.

Fat Oppression

If patriarchy announced it was going to limit females’ food in order to control and damage us, there would be a tremendous outcry. But since it’s presented as a way for us to look “beautiful” and be more “normal” and “healthy,” women eagerly starve themselves, and starve and harass their daughters.

Feminists have written great articles against fat oppression, but they, and the excellent feminist anthology on fat oppression, Shadow on a Tightrope, are either hard to find or no longer known by most feminists.₁₀

Patriarchy wants us to waste our time and energy on feminine obsession with “beauty” and thinness, and to avoid thinking about what’s really important in our lives.

There is so much hatred against fat females. The fatter a women is, the more visibly female she is. As a result, many women not only want to be thin, but to look like adolescent boys (I’ve heard feminine women proudly brag about this.)  Meanwhile, females are suffering discrimination and literally dying because of fat oppression.

The medical industry makes a fortune off diets, drugs, and dangerous surgery for fat women. Even though lies about health hazards of being fat have been refuted, there is still far more money made in killing and maiming fat women, so most doctors continue supporting the lies.

Following the medical industries’ recommendations (until recently) to diet and eat trans fat, low fat, soy, and high carbohydrates, such as grains, beans, etc. has greatly increased the amount of people said to be dangerously “over-weight” in the US, but those people are starving nutritionally, while the diet industry tells them the opposite health advice they should be getting.₁₁  

Doctors recommend people eat low fat, ignoring that organic saturated fat is one of the most important nutrients we can eat, stabilizing blood sugar, preventing diabetes, heart disease, and cancer.₁₂ People who restrict their fat intake often end up desperately binging on high carbs like sugar (with the fat taken out of dairy products then sold back to them in ice cream, etc.), further depleting their health.

Cholesterol has never been proven to be a cause of heart disease, yet Big Pharma with doctors are making a fortune off prescribing statin drugs which cause stroke, cancer and dementia. Those with the highest cholesterol live the longest. If your cholesterol is very low, doctors will congratulate you, even though one reason could be cancer.

A friend who was in a women’s cancer support group saw most of the women die after following doctors’ advice. One woman, who had had lymphoma, was “treated” three times to chemotherapy, as well as having many radioactive scans – all of which could have easily caused the different cancer that she ultimately died from. Her cholesterol dropped so low that the last doctor she saw said that it looked like that of a famine victim. He was the only one of the many doctors she saw who realized that cholesterol that low was indicative of very serious illness: she had metastasized breast cancer.

“Before looking at the connection between blood cholesterol levels and heart disease, it is worth highlighting a critically important – remarkably unheralded – fact: After the age of 50, the lower your cholesterol level is, the lower your life expectancy.”

“Perhaps even more important than this is the fact that a falling cholesterol level sharply increases the risk of dying of anything, including heart disease”.₁₃

One of the greatest obscenities about fat oppression is that while people are dying of starvation, literally dying of thinness, fat is despised in rich countries. Even when there was such panic about AIDS, with famous people in the last stages of AIDS looking skeletal, fatness is still feared and hated. (In some parts of Africa, where fatness is still associated with good health, AIDS is called “the slim disease.”)

Damage attributed to being fat is actually caused by years of constant dieting, with rapid weight loss and gain. It’s fat oppression that kills, not being fat, but most people don’t know that.₁₄

Lies continue to be spread and are just accepted, like the myth that high cholesterol kills, when the opposite is true. If health concerns were really behind the harassment and oppression of fat women, then smokers would be yelled at on the street and people who drink toxic diet sodas and other artificial “food” would be lectured at the way fat women are.

In 1981, my lover and I became ill with matching symptoms of flu that that lasted for months — low grade fever, exhaustion, aching, etc. (This was before Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome, or Lyme disease were known about). The Lesbian doctor we saw said that nothing showed up on the blood tests, so nothing was wrong with us. She me to just lose weight (I weighed about 140 lbs at the time) and advised my very thin lover to drink coffee. Luckily, I didn’t lose weight since my symptoms also matched the early stage of some cancers – except that I hadn’t had the weight loss associated with cancer.

I suspect our illness was a combination of toxic exposure and either viral or bacterial infection (My lover eventually got well, but I never did. I now know a lot of women with the same chronic symptoms.)  If the incompetent doctor had known anything about nutrition and health, she would have told us to eat the opposite of what doctors usually order: only organic food and as much saturated fat as possible, plenty of meat₁₅  and vegetables, no thyroid-toxic, estrogenic, carcinogenic soy ever, no other beans and grains, nothing high in carbohydrates, no transfat or polyunsaturated oils (like canola, which is usually rancid). But doctors are so fat-phobic that another doctor was horrified when I said I ate an avocado a day, because “they will make you fat!” (The irony is that the more saturated fat someone eats if their carbs are low, the more weight they lose.₁₆ But never trust doctors to know about nutrition or health.)

Fat females are accused of being mentally sick as well as physically sick. This propaganda means when thin people look at a fat female, they make immediate insulting assumptions that she has some “mental or emotional problem” she’s “compensating for,” in addition to believing the lies that fat people eat more and exercise less than thin people.

Why this unreasoning fear of fat? If you look at the most ancient statues from across the earth, they are of fat women.They are clearly not “fertility” symbols or pregnant effigies, which male archeologists irrationally declared for years, or any other bizarre theories₁₇ –they are simply, gloriously fat women.₁₈

Fat men are oppressed, but much less so than fat women, and most of the anti-fat propaganda is aimed at women. This also has a direct economic benefit for men, because of the billions of dollars spent on the diet industry, as well as for clothing manufacturers who make money selling women more expensive and shoddier-made smaller clothing sizes. Cyril Magnin, a U.S. department store owner, boasted that in the 1930s he removed all women’s clothing in sizes 16 to 20 from his stores and replaced them with sizes 8 to 14. He was one of the first to do this, and it set a trend, which permanently affected the standard of “women’s” clothing sizes in the US₁₉ and therefore in countries influenced by US culture. Meanwhile, they make money by selling smaller amounts of material. Buying a mini-skirt or short top that exposes the midriff is supporting this con as well as being demeaning and exposing female bodies for male consumption.

Men are always measuring things, from their pricks to their nuclear missiles, and saying “bigger is better.” They want everything to be huge — except women. Women who are the same size as ordinary large, muscled, healthy men are considered fat and unhealthy. And women internalize these lies. In one study, 70% of women interviewed saw themselves as fat, while only 20 to 25% of them were seen by others as fat.₂₀ The patriarchal standard “healthy and fit” female looks emaciated compared to the standard “healthy” man. Men want us to be invisible, except as sex objects — but fat women are blatantly present. Fat women are an offense to mankind. Men want us small and weak, with just enough strength to serve them, so they can push us around. They don’t want us to have fat any more than they want us to have brains or muscle. And they’ve been breeding us for thousands of years, just as they’ve bred “domesticated” animals to be almost unrecognizable compared to their original, natural selves.

Men have bred dogs into forms that would never occur in nature, making caricatures of wolves to fit men’s bizarre fantasies. The most valued dogs, the certified pedigrees, are the least natural and the least likely to survive on their own. Men’s cruel genetic interference has resulted in painful disabling deformities common in some breeds. All this is done in the name of being “animal-lovers” and “dog-lovers.” But then men say they “love” women too. Man has been tampering with nature for as long as he’s been able to. How do we know how much the many years of enforced selective breeding have changed our own female bodies?

Men’s preference for controllable women was the reason for footbinding in China and painful constricting corsets and high-heeled shoes in European-descent countries, and is also the reason most women diet in countries that are dominated by European-descent male culture. One U.S. diet ad aimed specifically at women said simply, “Waist away.” Ads for products to increase weight show men, while ads for diet foods and diet drugs show women. In many places in the world, men and boys are given the first choice of food, including meat, while women and girls eat only what’s left. This means more females die of starvation than males, and they also die sooner than starving males.

Gynocide includes the systematic underfeeding of females and overfeeding of males. An Italian study showed that baby girls are breast-fed less than and for briefer periods than boys, and girls are also weaned earlier: “On the average, the breast is withdrawn at 12 months for little girls, at 15 months for boys. Duration of nursing at 2 months is 45 minutes for boys and 25 minutes for girls. Nursing at 6 months: 8 minutes (girls),15 minutes (boys.)” Studies in Egypt and Jordan show that mothers’ breastfeeding is continued “longer for boys” and they are “generally better cared for.”₂₁

“When is a child worth keeping?” From a 1990 survey₂₂ of parents: Only 1 percent would abort on the basis of sex. 6 percent would abort a child likely to get Alzheimer’s in old age. 11 percent would abort a child predisposed to obesity.”

U.S. Environmental Protection Agency food consumption charts₂₃ show that young adult males eat approximately 50% more than the average U.S. citizen — yet 80% of 9-year-old girls in San Francisco are on diets₂₄, which will create a new generation of females who are smaller, weaker, and more susceptible to disease than ever before. Lack of sufficient nutrition in a growing body prevents it from developing to full size and makes it much more vulnerable to illness.

As the decades go by, we see how younger women do seem to be suffering the results of enforced starvation, as well as the effects of soy in so many foods and plastic leaching into foods. Soy is thyroid toxic and both soy and plastic are extremely estrogenic, which means they are serious hormone disrupters and carcinogenic. I believe that’s why almost every younger woman I know has excruciating menstrual cramps, polycystic ovaries, endometriosis, and/or serious emotional and mental problems.

Endocrinologists are seeing many cases of stunted growth in girls caused by their dieting. Some doctors worry this will prevent women from reproducing, which would affect future generations of males. But where’s the concern for the girls? Many girls are tormented into dieting by the incredible fat hatred which exists in primary schools. In a recent study of nine-to ten ­year-olds, thin children were called “smart” and fat children were called “icky, too much, ugly, and lazy.” In the film, “Portraits of Anorexia₂₅,” one young girl said, “They called me fatso or blubber. I just stopped eating so they’d stop calling me names.”

In a television report, a group of girls and boys about 10 years old were shown pictures of fashion models and asked what they thought of their body size. The girls said the models were “skinny” and that, “you can see their bones.” The boys, pointing to the same parts of the pictures said “their legs are too big” and “humongous.” These girls described being called “chubby” and “too fat” by boys at school, even though they were very thin.

One II-year old girl who looked like a Barbie doll said she became anorexic because she didn’t want to be an “Amazon.” That’s likely to be her way of saying she didn’t want to look like a Dyke and would rather look weak (male-identified feminine) rather than strong. The girls also talked about wanting to be attractive to boys. Another girl ate so little in her effort to be thin that her hair fell out. These particular girls were choosing to diet, but very often it’s the parents who force girls into dieting by depriving them of food.

One researcher says that anorexia nervosa dates from Victorian times in England, when the feminine ideal meant weakness, fragility, and illness. Lord Byron (a 19th century English poet) said, “A woman should never be seen eating.” It was an insult to call a class-privileged woman “robust,” because that suggested she looked working-class. Women in privileged countries have lost their instinctive fear of starvation. When women students in the U.S. were shown pictures of starving, emaciated women from the 1930′s Depression, they saw them as attractive rather than starving.₂₆ Today, in the U.S., 100,000 more girls develop anorexia nervosa each year and, of that group, 6,000 die from starvation.₂₇

Meanwhile, doctors pressure fat women to take diet pills and to have intestinal bypass, stomach stapling, and liposuction. By 1987, several women in the U.S. had already died from these tortures.₂₈

“Lesbians are fat” is actually one of the male/het stereotypes of us.₂₉ This is one case of an oppressive stereotype reflecting the truth — Lesbians ARE less likely to diet than het women since thinness is a heterosexist value. As usual, men take a positive, self-loving Dyke tradition and use it to attack us. Yet many Lesbians do diet, talk of diets, and make fat-oppressive comments.

Ironically, many Lesbians and women are smaller in height and bone and muscle mass than they would have been because of trying to be healthy and/or being vegan for years. Many long-time vegans also have chronic pain and spine, joint, ligament, and tendon damage, as Lierre Keith describes happened to her in her book, The Vegetarian Myth: Food, Justice, and Sustainability. She also talks about vegan rages and severe depression. Patriarchy could not have come up with a better plan to weaken women while pitting us against each other since this issue has divided feminists more than any other. Radical Feminist omnivores have even been physically threatened by vegans, and Lierre herself was attacked by three cowardly masked vegans at the Anarchist Book Fair while she was speaking. (Her spine damage is well known, yet they ran from behind and each smashed her in the face with “pies” full of cayenne. They videoed their attack to humiliate her, but that backfired.)

Mainstream medicine teaches the function and importance of all body tissues and organs except for fat tissue because of fat-hating male prejudice.

Fat is literally protection against death. When people are dying of cancer, they usually waste away and die from starvation as much as from the other effects of cancer. So if you’re fat and you have cancer, you’ve got a lot more time than a thin person has to try to get well. Yet even in this age when cancer is a modern plague where more than one in three people in the U.S. getting it and most of us know many women who have died from it, we’re still pressured to be thin.

Fat is a vital body tissue that protects our bodies. It cushions muscles and internal organs, insulates us from cold, and helps us to float, making swimming easier and drowning less likely.₃₀ Fatness strengthens our bones. Osteoporosis, the weakening and thinning of bone tissue is a major cause of injury and disability among older women, often leading to death as a consequence of hip fractures. As our weight increases, so does our bone mass, protecting us from osteoporosis.₃₁ That’s one reason our bodies naturally get fatter as we grow older.

Our bodies know what they’re doing. Male thinking, so obviously reflected in male religions, teaches us to hate and distrust our bodies. We’re told to separate our minds from our bodies and treat them as two beings: “The mind should be the master, and the body the servant.” (This is schizoid thinking — and men call women crazy?)

Fatness is also protection against famine, which is why people who’ve gone through periods of starvation often become fat – bodies naturally interpret dieting as starvation and so guard us against future famine/weigh loss by regaining the lost weight and more as soon as possible. Our bodies then become reluctant to ever lose weight again by permanently slowing our metabolism – which is why the more you diet, the harder it is to lose weight, and the easier it is to gain it back.₃₂ I believe our bodies carry this lesson into future generations, so that the descendants of people who have survived famines will tend to be fatter and more prone to gaining weight as a result of dieting.₃₃ These, after all, are the people who survived.

             Fighting Looksism ls Dyke-Loving  

Lesbians, by our very nature, have separated much of the truth from the lies. Choosing to come out meant finding or returning to our true selves. Some of us had already refused the male-invented feminine uniform which is designed to demean women, but is also a signal of submission to men. Other Lesbians rejected it as they became more their own being, and no longer wanted to please or attract men. That changing of appearance is a powerful personal and political message to the world that we choose to be naturally female instead of being covered in the layers of artificiality men call “feminine.”  As those layers are refused or removed, the truth appears.  Away go the constricting, exposing clothes and the painful, limiting shoes that distort female bodies. Away go the cosmetics that mask real faces and bodies. Refusing male identification means becoming solid, real, direct, and honest in body and spirit.

Men tell Dykes we “look like men” because we look natural – only men are permitted to just look like themselves, including looking their true age. What is more unnatural than dousing ourselves with toxic chemicals to destroy our natural aromas, hair, and skin texture and color, etc.? There’s certainly never been any medical argument about why we’re not supposed to have armpit or leg fur, but men and their collaborators (too often our own mothers) have pressured us for years to cut or poison ourselves removing it. If it’s so “unsightly,” then why aren’t men expected to be equally hairless? Standards of “beauty” are as phony as “beauty parlors.” Men reserve certain appearances only for themselves. How else is anyone to know immediately who’s lord and who’s lackey?  Only men are supposed to have facial or body hair, just as only men are supposed to wear trousers and sturdy shoes. By insisting on being ourselves in such a small thing as keeping our own body and facial hair, we’re threatening men and their women supporters at their fragile cores. That’s why they react to Dyke-identified-Dykes with such unreasoning hatred.

Lesbians need to think about who we’re hurting and stop it. Do we really want communities where anyone who doesn’t look like a mannequin feels like an oddity? Do we only want to be around Lesbians who fit male-identified standards of “pretty”? What about the incredible handsomeness and realness of the diverse faces and bodies Dykes are born with, that reflect the multitudes of races, ethnic groups, ages, sizes, and shapes living on Earth?

Is it right for disabled Dykes to be rejected by non-disabled Dykes? Should older Dykes feel as out of place among younger Lesbians as they are in the het world unless they try to hide their age? Should Dykes with ample hair on their bodies continue being made to feel like freaks? And do we want fat Dykes to injure their health and torture and kill themselves because too many Lesbians believe men’s fat-hating, female-hating lies? As Dykes, we know what it is to be feared, hated, and attacked because we’re “different.” We know what it is to be the alien group that’s ostracized and stared at. So we, of all people, should never treat another Dyke that way.

Men call Dykes ugly? Look at them! We already know they hate us, and we can’t change that. What we can control is avoiding internalizing that hatred and turning it on ourselves and other females. Even if we try to accept fatness in other Lesbians and only hate it in ourselves, then we still do men’s work for them. And, besides, it’s not possible. If we hate our own fat there’s no way we can accept fat Dykes.

We’ve already rejected most of men’s commands and lies. Dykes have questioned and fought lies and injustice more than any other group of people. We’ve been in the forefront of challenging all forms of oppression. The more we continue fighting the lies, the stronger we become, individually and as communities. Why not “let ourselves go” and really be our natural selves?

Looksism Kills Females 

It’s the story of patriarchy: males hate females. They want to own and control us because, though they hate us, they need us for their survival and creation. Why then do so many females do men’s bidding and take into themselves men’s oppressive ideas of what’s beautiful and what’s ugly? If women didn’t continue doing men’s work, patriarchy would end immediately.

In choosing to serve the masters, women are rewarded by being given a higher place in the male hierarchy. Women get privilege only at other females’ expense. There are no upper or middle classes if others are not forced to be lower class. There is no racial privilege without racism. Het women gain status according to the degree Lesbians are oppressed. “Beauty,” like other privileges is never neutral or “just the way things are.” No one can be considered “beautiful” if someone else is not called “ugly.”           

Lookism is wrong, hurtful, and cruel. No woman should participate in it. The extremes that some females have gone to in order to make themselves acceptable – not even to be “beautiful,” but just to fit in – have killed them. Don’t be a victim of patriarchy, and don’t victimize other females on behalf of patriarchy.

Endnotes

There are new endnotes added since the printing of our book in 1990. Most of the references can be looked up to find more recent versions.

_1.  Most women love their ” pets,” the dogs and cats they own, and proudly think of themselves as animal lovers, — yet too many don’t seem to care at all that their cats and dogs are relentlessly torturing and killing local native populations of birds, reptiles, amphibians, small mammals, and insects, many of who are perilously near extinction as a result. Cats have exterminated all reptiles and amphibians where we live, as well as also killing many birds and even squirrels. It’s very upsetting to want desperately to have a tiny wildlife refuge in our yard, but be unable to because of neighbors’ cats. I’ve actually read feminists brag about how often and how many animals their cat kills. Others may be momentarily upset, but not enough to stop the slaughter. Even a kind friend said, after her cat killed a baby mockingbird, “There are plenty of birds, aren’t there?” The mother of the baby had been frantic for days, as her baby was starting to fledge, but could not protect her.

This isn’t about “survival of the fittest,” but about non-native animals exterminating vulnerable native animals, as well as depriving native carnivores of food.

Well-fed cats can kill up to 800 small animals a year. At least one cat on an island caused the extinction of an entire species. From Wikipedia: Feral cats introduced to such islands have had a devastating impact on these islands’ biodiversity. They have been implicated in the extinction of several species and local extinctions, such as the hutias from the Caribbean, the Guadalupe Storm Petrel from Pacific Mexico, the Stephens Island wren; in a statistical study, they were a significant cause for the extinction of 40% of the species studied. Moors and Atkinson wrote, in 1984, “No other alien predator has had such a universally damaging effect.”

Another study (Leon Jaroff , “Attack of the Killer Cats,” in Time, July 31, 1989, found that the five million house cats in Britain kill and bring home at least 79 million small animals, including 30 million birds, a year. One cat brought in 400 victims a year!  A US study says that the number of native animals killed may be double since cats bring home only half their victims. This is even more serious where cats and dogs are not native, but have been introduced by men. In Aotearoa/New Zealand, a single pet dog killed at least 150 endangered kiwi in just a few weeks in 1985. Until the government started removing cats from Stewart Island, feral cats yearly killed half of the remaining Kakapo, one of the three remaining indigenous parrot species in Aotearoa that are almost extinct. Just a few dozen were left by 1985.

This is not the cats’ or dogs’ fault, but the humans who breed them, release them, and don’t protect their potential victims.

Yet anyone who objects to the inequality of owning “pets” and who protests the number of animals killed by cats and dogs is likely to be accused of being an “animal-hater.” That’s because generally only mammals domesticated by man and introduced into countries that didn’t previously have them (as part of European nations’ imperialist invasions) are considered “real” animals.

Meanwhile, as those whose cats have disappeared know, cats kept inside are safer from disease, predators, cars, cruel humans, etc

I’d like to credit Linda Strega’s wonderful article “Pets: Mine, All Mine” which questions the ownership of other beings as pets, printed in The Lesbian lnsider/lnsighter/ lnciter, January. 1981, Minneapolis, Minnesota; and Eileen Anderson’s, “The Politics of Pets,” Lesbian Connection, Vol. 12, issue 1, July/August, 1989.

_2.  The April, 1987 issue of the Bay Times, a San Francisco (LGBTQWTF) newspaper, printed a letter from a gay man criticizing Lesbian support of Nancy Pelosi for Congress — “How dumb: the man-hating dykes (ugly ones at that) do the obvious: back Pelosi.”

_3.  One study was by Darlene Powell-Hopson, and the other was by Mamie and Kenneth Clark. Both were reported in Time, 4 September, 1987. 74.

http://abagond.wordpress.com/2009/05/29/the-clark-doll-experiment/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjy9q8VekmE

₄. The Mansell Collection, The World’s Last Mysteries, (The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc., 1981), 200:

₅. Chambers Encyclopedia and Encyclopedia Americana. Kurt Mendelssohn, The Riddle of the Pyramids, Praeger Publishers, NY., USA, 1975), 54.

_6.  Since writing this chapter, I’ve read When Elephants Weep: The Emotional Lives of Animals by Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson with Susan McCarthy, and Animal Talk by Tim Friend, which both describe beautifully how ridiculous it is for scientists to claim that animals don’t feel as much as humans do, and as I’ve thought, they question whether they feel more since we don’t see animals experimenting on other animals.

₇. There  has been a barrage of U.S. television ads, and Newsweek, 30 November,1987, had an ad saying: “Decorate your eyes this holiday season.… contact lenses can change your eyes from brown to baby blue, green, hazel, aqua or new sapphire blue.”

Meanwhile, we’re still learning about the full extent of the dangers of contacts. They’re known to weaken the cornea and make eyes more susceptible to infections and cataracts. Even short-term usage causes loss of the blink reflex which means eyes become more vulnerable to any object which comes towards them.

_8.  Lewis B. Morrow, “Hirsutism,” Primary Care 4, (1977),128.

_9.  Smithsonian.loveme.com – Smithsonian magazine, October 2012                            The Distressing Worldwide Boom in Cosmetic Surgery, by Joseph Stromberg.

http://www.smithsonianmag.com/people-places/PHOTOS-The-Distressing-Worldwide-Boom-in-Cosmetic-Surgery-175250541.html#ixzz2F4d24vWQ

In ancient China, where foot binding was invented, a stunted foot signified a prized comeliness. In modern Manhattan, the pursuit of beauty has led some women to surgically shorten their toes and secure them with metal pins to fit more easily into three-inch Jimmy Choo stiletto heels (Kristina Widmer’s foot, post-surgery).  

X-ray

For his new book, Love Me, photographer Zed Nelson traveled to 18 countries over five years, documenting extreme measures undertaken in the quest for cosmetic perfection. Nelson’s unsettling images of plastic surgeons, beauty queens and bodybuilders underscore the seduction of narcissistic compulsion. “Beauty is a $160 billion-a-year global industry,” he says. “Body improvement has become a new religion.”

Nelson’s project began when he noticed, while travelling internationally, that global standards of beauty had become eerily homogenized: He saw skin-lightening products in Africa and surgical procedures to “Westernize” eyes in Asia. The popularity of rhinoplasty in Iran was especially apparent…“When I arrived in Iran, I was amazed,” Nelson says. “My interpreter had had a nose job, as had her mother, her sister, and her two best friends. People were proudly walking in the streets with bandaged noses, excited to be the new owners of small, chiseled, American-style noses.”

… Banks now offer loans for plastic surgery. American families with annual incomes under $25,000 account for 30 percent of all cosmetic surgery patients,” he says. “Americans spend more each year on beauty than they do on education.”

Notice how Nelson keeps referring to “beauty” and “body enhancement,” and never questions that these surgeries are the opposite. I believe many men find artificiality more attractive than reality.

_10.  Megan Mackin, dear friend, Radical Feminist, and Fat Activist wrote this powerful poem in the tradition of the Radical Feminist Fat Activist movement:

Realities

chiding eyes that look away, tell you how you don’t belong; scowling,
sneering, smirking their silent cues nonverbal; you are wrong!

snarl the narrow turnstiles, booths and halls — the seats that bruise
you, rip your tender flesh; you are outcast, cursed and boundless –

fat that cannot be accommodated within the normal span of chair, or
sizes in the normal styles of clothes; but helpful experts will appear

with their troops prepared and waiting, they will snip you, carve you,
tuck you, band your organs, bind you mentally and starve you;

they will cost you sums of money you cannot begin to know; they will
cost you much, much more in terms of suffering and sorrow;

then, when all your bills are tallied and you reach the journey’s end, you
will find that more than likely you’re still fat — and so you must begin
again.

but now you have the blessing of some of those you’d feared, since, as a
repeat patient/ customer you’ve gained respect from those endeared –

not to you but to the money — behind the pockets you have lined; just
perhaps you’ll be like others who have spent their lives and health to find

that the real problem isn’t that your body size is wrong; instead it’s with
a culture that cannot abide its women being either big or strong;

it’s with a culture where corporations can demand compliance,
and taking space gets perceived — and named — as pure defiance;

it’s where self-absorption, thin-obsession, is demanded from the masses,
to allow the rule, unfettered, of the distant upper class …

there are many ways, of course, to name the problem, and though we
maybe won’t agree on its form, exactly, we can still begin to see

that bodies are more real than all the chairs or booths that people make,
and sizing them too small is certainly the true mistake.

self-hatred isn’t necessary, it’s coerced beneath our skin by the powers
seeking profit, naming fatness (in the guise of “gluttony”) as “sin.”

every body has its beauty, its unique and artful form; everyone deserves
to know this, to distrust the money-manufactured norm;

if you can’t yet see you’re handsome, then simply know that others do;
if you
cannot find your worthiness, please trust that we believe we see that, too.

–diana Mackin
12-something a.m., Sunday February 22, 1998

_11.  Layna Berman’s (with Jeffry Fawcett, PhD) radio show “Your Own Health And Fitness” has provided so much valuable health information, including warning people about transfats years before the AMA changed its mind from pushing it. I feel like she has saved my and friends’ lives. Your Own Health And Fitness broadcasts Tuesdays at 1pm on KPFA 94.1FM, Berkeley, California, and on KFCF 88.1FM Fresno. (Check their  list of stations that carry the show for other dates and times.)

From Layna’s website:

“Your heart is big business. Its care is dominated by the theory that cholesterol causes heart attacks. Yet even as the theory holds fewer and fewer advocates, the treatments stay the same.”

_12.  Mary Gertrude Enig, PhD, author of Know Your Fats : The Complete Primer for Understanding the Nutrition of Fats, Oils and Cholesterol, is a nutritionist and early trans fat/hydrogenated oil researcher, warning of their dangers before they were widely accepted. She pushed for improved labeling of trans fats on products, which has now become mandatory on products in the U.S. and in Europe.

Enig also disputes the widely accepted view in the medical community that consumption of saturated fats contributes to heart disease. She believes both butter and coconut oil are not eaten enough and are good for heart health, and criticizes the use of polyunsaturated oils, which most doctors and diets recommend, because they are rancid, and also argues that many who follow low-fat diets feel low on energy because they are “fat deficient.”

_13.  The Great Cholesterol Con and The Great Cholesterol Myth by Dr. Malcolm Kendrick (Scottish doctor and author of The Great Cholesterol Con, 2008, graduated from the University of Aberdeen in 1981, has been a general practitioner for over 25 years, and has woked with the European Society of Cardiology) documents the misguided use of statins in primary care, citing evidence from many trials and World Health Organization data to show that statin drugs do not increase life expectancy overall, and do not prevent heart disease in patients without cardiovascular symptoms. Kendrick states that widely varying levels of cholesterol are inversely correlated with deaths from heart disease, and correlated with cancer mortality, as well as strokes and dementia. His findings show that within a reasonable range, higher total cholesterol is associated with lower cancer mortality, but lower rates of deaths from heart disease—the opposite outcome that one would expect if cholesterol were a causative agent for coronary heart disease.

http://www.spiked-online.com/Articles/0000000CAE78.htm Nov 18, 2005

Gary Taubes and Robert Atkins also have written excellent articles and books recommending organic high saturated fat as good for health.

_14.   Our Imaginary Weight Problem — www.nytimes.com   This study illustrates just how exaggerated and unscientific the government’s claims are on the relationship between weight and mortality risk.

 Dr. Paul Ernsberger, “Is it Unhealthy To Be Fat?” Radiance, Winter 1986, 12-13. A graph with 4 weights of females, 110 lbs., 122 lbs., 224 lbs, and over 287 lbs., shows that the fattest (at over 287 lbs.) live longer than the thinnest (at 110 lbs.). Those in the 224 lb. group outlive the “insurance ideal” weight of 122 lbs.

Jan. 2, 2013 — Could Being a Little Overweight Help You Live Longer?

Newsweek Special Edition on “The 21st Century Family,” Winter/Spring 1990, page 98.

Also, very thin women have higher rates of lung cancer and osteoporosis than fatter women. American Journal of Public Health, Vol. 3, 1987.

http://www.ihpra.org/cdc_obesity.htm
CDC: Dangers of being overweight overstated.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2386473/
Stigma and obesity-associated disease

http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=209359
Death rates by weight (range)

http://www.nutritionj.com/content/9/1/30;%20Nutrition%20Journal%202010,%209:30doi:10.1186/1475-2891-9-30

Diets fail

http://www.nutritionj.com/content/10/1/9
Linda Bacon’s Paradigm Shift

_15.  China Study refuted:  http://rawfoodsos.com/2010/07/07/the-china-study-fact-or-fallac/

Other studies that purport to show meat is unhealthy do not differentiate between toxic non-organic meat laden with hormones and antibiotics from animals fed GMO grains or highly processed meat full of toxic nitrites and nitrates from healthy organic pastured meat.

_16.  Robert Coleman Atkins, US physician and cardiologist — “Atkins Nutritional Approach,” and Dieter’s Dilemma: Eating Less and Weighing More by William Bennett and Joel Gurin.

_17.  Male scientists go to the strangest lengths to alter the truth. On the BBC­TV series, “The First Eden,” David Attenborough claimed that the famous many­breasted statue of the goddess Diana at Ephesus actually has a chest covered with testicles! (Shown on PBS television stations in the U.S., December 1987.)

_18.  Carbon dated to at least 35,000 years ago…These figurines were carved from soft stone (such as steatite, calcite or limestone), bone or ivory, or formed of clay and fired. The latter are among the oldest ceramics known. In total, over a hundred such figurines are known; virtually all of modest size, between 4 cm and 25 cm in height. They are some of the earliest works of prehistoric art.  

_19.  San Francisco Chronicle, 30 March, 1988.

_20. Dr. Dean Edell’s Medical Journal, KGO-TV, San Francisco, 10 November 1988.

_21. This study and the following one are quoted from a thesis by Marianne Lens of Brussels, Belgium, 1981-1982, titled “Perspectives D’Analyse de L’Ideologie de Ia DIFFERENCE, Comme Fondement de L’Hetero-Patriarcat.”

L. Van Loon and Van Pee-Grosjean, “La Femme: Objet de Sante Publiquet,” Germ, Lettre de Information 99, June, 1976, 18-19.

E. Gianini Belotti, Du Cote des Petites Filles, (Paris, France: Ed. des Femmes, 1977). Marianne says “Of course these results are of a planetary nature, since patriarchal oppression itself is omni-present.”

_22. Newsweek Special Edition on “The 21^st Century Family,” Winter/Spring 1990, page 98.

_23. Dietary Consumption of Selected Food Groups for the US Population (Purdue Research Foundation for the EPA, Washington D.C., Feb, 1980).

_24.  A report on KRON-TV, San Francisco, June 6, 1987, said that 80% of nine-year-­old girls are on diets. In Newsweek, 27 July 1987, a study by Laurel Mellin of the University of California at San Francisco, stated that “81% of the 10 year-­old girls were dieters.” “More than half the girls described themselves as overweight, while only 15% were….”

Corinna Kaarela found that in a study of 500 “middle-income, parochial schoolgirls,” 89% of the l7-year-olds were on diets. UC Clip sheet, Vol. 62, No.1, 9 December,1986.

In Time,14 July,1986, Dr. Michael Pugliese reported that “restrictive diets …now account for one-fourth of the cases of failure to thrive seen at the hospital.” (North Shore University Hospital in Manhasset, NY) “…the youngsters were all on low-fat, low-cholesterol diets and getting only 63% to 94% of the calories they needed.” A 21-month old girl had “…failed to gain any weight in nearly 6 months.”

_25. By Wendy Zheutlin, Fat Chance Productions.

_26. Joan Brumberg, in a KALW, San Francisco, radio interview, 16 August 1988, about her book, Fasting Girls: The Emergence of Anorexia as a Modern Disease.

_27. KRON-TV, San Francisco, news feature on “Eating Disorders,” 11 November 1988.

_28. 20/20, ABC-TV, U.S.A., 1 January 1988.

_29. In the May, 1986 issue of San Francisco Insight, one het woman commented on another het woman’s feeling good about her weight increasing to 150 pounds by asking, “Has she gone gay?”

_30. Wearing only a bathing suit, Lynne Cox swam the two miles of the Bering Strait, from the island of Little Diomede, Alaska to Big Diomede, Siberia, in the summer of 1987. The water temperature was 34 degrees Fahrenheit and, although people usually die in such cold water after 2 hours, Lynne swam for 2.12 hours and was fine. Doctors said that her layer of fat acted as an internal wetsuit. She weighs about 209 lbs. Kathleen McCoy, “Making Waves,” Radiance, Spring 1988, 25.

Update from Wikipedia: Lynne Cox (born 1957 in Boston, Massachusetts) is an American long-distance open-water swimmer and writer…. She has twice held the record for the fastest crossing (men or women) of the English Channel (1972 in a time of 9h 57 mins and 1973 in a time of 9h 36 mins). In 1975, Cox became the first woman to swim the 10 °C (50 °F), 16 km (10 mi) Cook Strait in New Zealand. In 1976, she was the first person to swim the Straits of Magellan in Chile, and the first to swim around the Cape of Good Hope in South Africa.

Another of her accomplishments was swimming more than a mile (1.6 km) in the waters of Antarctica. Cox was in the water for 25 minutes, swimming 1.22 miles (1.96 km).

_31. Patricia Hausman, The Calcium Bible, How to Have Better Bones All Your Life, (Rawson Associates: New York, U.S.A., 1985), 36-37.

_32.  A 1986 study by the University of Pennsylvania of adopted children and their adoptive and biological parents showed genetic inheritance had a far greater influence on children’s weight than environmental factors such as amount of food eaten. San Francisco Chronicle — 12 November 1986.

A study of Danish people found that the genetic tendency for fatness is passed most strongly from mothers to daughters. “Genetic influences from fathers, and from mothers to sons, are apparently about half that of mothers to daughters.” What could more clearly prove that fatness is a specifically female characteristic? Charles Petit, “Genetics’ Role in Contributing to Obesity,” San Francisco Chronicle, 31 March,1989. A5.

_33. Alvin Feinstein, “How do we measure accomplishment in weight reduction?” Obesity, Causes, Consequences and Treatment, ed. Louis Lasagna (Medcom Press, 1974), 86.

– A Radical Lesbian Feminist Perspective 

Bev Jo

Do not name me against my will. Do not presume to know how I want to be named without asking me. Do not call me “elder,” “elderly,” “geriatric,” or “crone.” Do not assume that naming me in a category as different from yourself is flattering. Do not assume that I agree to be part of the mainstream ageist and heterosexist separation of females. Ageism is one of the many ways that patriarchy divides women from each other.

Wouldn’t it be better to make all Lesbians and women welcome and have truly inclusive and diverse Lesbian communities without driving anyone away by “othering” and oppressing her?

Similarly, do not call me “cis” or “cunt.” Even the feminist/Wiccan “maiden, mother, crone” is based on sexism and heterosexism – pre-fucked, currently fucked, post-fucked – all identities associated with bonding with men, with no recognition of females who say no to men and to male rules and patriarchy. I do not agree to any of it. My identity is based on being a Lesbian.

Aren’t all old women oppressed enough without doing it in the name of feminism? Why categorize one group of females from another except to divide us? Yes, we may measure and treasure our ways of being different from the mainstream. But ask first before those of you with privilege dare to call us names. Do not patronize us.

A name I particularly hate is “young lady.”  When I was a girl, pompous feminine teachers told us they would force us to be “young ladies,” which meant trying to destroy our natural, wild girl selves. Being yourself means falling in love with other girls and forming communities, like my friends and I did in our all-girls’ high school. Some girls rolled around wrestling on the floor. Not “ladylike.” A few of us refused to obey those ridiculous rules that restricted our movements, minds and freedom. How terrible for a girl to take up space, stand and walk grounded and with pride. Mincing and wriggling while walking is not natural. Holding in your body while males are encouraged to take up space is training for girls to be obedient servants, victims, and rape bait. All aspects of male-defined femininity are devised to separate females’ bodies from our minds and spirits.  “Lady” is also classist, with its origins in English aristocracy. It is especially insulting to any female who refuses male rules to be feminine, such as Butches.

Men use “young lady” to patronize us, as if they expect us to giggle in gratitude for calling us “young.” If you object, they act as if you are insulting them. But they expect themselves to be addressed in ways that gives them respect and dignity.

I am not even that old at 61, and I don’t feel very different from how I’ve always felt. You don’t make a decision to become old. It just happens. So it will happen to everyone, if they live long enough. It is therefore in all women’s interest that old females be treated with respect and equality.

Perhaps that is part of what causes ageism: the fear of becoming old – so you try to make distance and end up objectifying old women. It’s not even that patriarchy is consistently youth-worshipping, because some old men are given the most respect, ruling countries, deciding the fate of everyone else. Actors in their eighties are called “handsome,” while old women are made to feel ugly, unwanted, and even monstrous. There are so many media portrayals of old women as dangerous, fairy tale nightmares, while it is rich old white men who are literally destroying the earth.

Old women are hated, instead of being appreciated for what we’ve learned, and what we can teach. Sadly, some women even say they want to become men in order to avoid becoming “old women.”

The most ageism I’ve gotten as a Radical Lesbian Feminist writer has been from the trans cult – the men who appropriate Lesbian identity and use ageism to discount and erase my and Janice Raymond’s and Mary Daly’s and other radical politics by calling us “dinosaurs.” They talk as if their ideas are new (they aren’t – we’ve been countering their female-hatred and Lesbian-hatred for over forty years). Those of us who have continued being politically active have seen public feminism become so right wing/mainstream as to be almost meaningless. Politics do not necessarily improve as time goes by. Even politicians who were right wing extremists in the Sixties are now considered moderate.

I understand why the supporters of the trans cult want to discredit us – many of them even threaten to rape and kill us – because the truths we point out expose their lies and threaten their power. But why do some women who call themselves Radical Feminists also tell us to “retire”?  It’s for similarly arrogant reasons – to censor us because our radicalism threatens their privilege. Appearing radical is trendy, but truly radical politics reveals them to be more mainstream.

Of course it’s hard getting older, as health tends to decline (although I know Lesbians in their sixties and seventies with far more stamina and strength than some in their thirties and forties). Some older women will live longer than some younger because of growing up before food, air, and water were so polluted, and before nuclear age radiation existed. Modern GMO “food,” toxic soy, and food cooked and stored in poisonous plastic (soy and plastic are xenoestrogens) are damaging our bodies and minds, causing cancer, hormonal problems, depression and mental illness. Almost all younger women I know have health problems that were rare before.

The media spreads lies to get people to accept the unacceptable. We are told that people live longer now, but, except for infants and women in childbirth dying, that isn’t true, as death records show. People also had healthier lives. We are told that cancer and Alzheimer’s are genetically caused, but that would mean no increase over time. Those of us who lived sixty years ago know that cancer was so rare that a child with leukemia was on the evening television news, and no one had Alzheimer’s.

Dementia was also very rare and not assumed to be a common result of growing old. I lived in a very polluted industrialized area, knowing many old people in my enormous extended family and large neighborhood, yet my step-grandfather was the only person I remember who got cancer. It certainly was not one in three or two, like now.

Of course there are genetic vulnerabilities, but the real source of these epidemic illnesses is exposure to environmental toxins, (There is NO safe dose of radiation in spite of the propaganda. Stanford Medical School taught my Physician’s Assistant that 20 percent of all cancers are now caused by CAT scans. That is a horrifying one out of five.)

People now happily buy toxic products to pollute their homes and neighborhoods, with laundry fumes spewing from drier vents making our neighborhoods smell like factories.

And the medical system makes a fortune by “trying to find a cure,” instead of stopping what they know is the cause. It’s all about making the rich richer.

Younger people often don’t know the truth. A current myth is that fascist Reagan was a good president. Lies told often enough are believed – unless those of us who remember the truth tell it.

Barbara Macdonald’s (with Cynthia Rich) book, Look Me in the Eye: Old Women, Aging and Ageism, from 1983, is still the best book I’ve read about ageism, with that old Seventies direct, radical, and sensible Radical Lesbian Feminist politics that I rarely see now. The book began when Barbara was 62 and Cynthia was 41. Barbara described being so alone as an old woman in her community, treated as “other” by younger women.

Almost thirty years later, my experience is very different, though ageism of course still exists and younger women are clearly more valued. I see older Lesbians being dismissed with a glance, just as I see those with less privilege in other ways dismissed. Still, old and older Lesbians now have a huge loving community. We no longer have our bookstores, coffee houses, or bars, so we meet in public, het, or gay male spaces for a night. There is so much for older Lesbians that sometimes I have to choose between five events in one evening. One of my friends in her twenties likes to go to the dances where ages range from twenties to seventies. I also love that age diversity, especially when older is the majority.

I also object to ageism directed at younger women. When I hear someone called “immature” as an explanation for what I see women in their sixties doing, it’s clearly about choice and not age. It’s a shame when Lesbians automatically reject possible friends or lovers simply because of age. We have many differences among us, but I would like to think that all could be overcome with enough love for each other.

After the feminism of the last forty two years, it’s been a shock to see older Lesbians desperately trying to look young in ways that only accentuate their age. Some even have had plastic surgery, so I appreciate the handsome and beautiful old Lesbians who look comfortable in their skin, proud of who they are, happy to be with other old Lesbians.

Bio

I am a lifelong Lesbian, working class Butch, born in 1950. I began writing as a Radical Lesbian Feminist in 1970, when I found the San Francisco Bay Area Lesbian Feminist community. Iworked with Lesbian collectives, including on one of the first Lesbian Feminist conferences in the US, in 1972, the local women’s bookstore, Lesbian Coffeehouse, Dyke Separatist Gathering in 1983. I co-wrote and published Dykes and Gorgons in 1973, and Dykes-Loving-Dykes in 1990. My articles have been printed in For Lesbians Only, Lesbian Ethics, Mehr al das Herz Gebrochen, Finding the Lesbians, Lesbian Friendships, Lesbian Inciter, Sinister Wisdom, Hag Rag, Lesbian International, Lesbian Voices, etc.

It’s All Still Sadism and Masochism

Bev Jo

(This is an update of our chapter against sado-masochism from our book, Dykes-Loving-Dykes, which I co-wrote with Linda Strega and Ruston, and which we published in 1990, and which was translated and printed in the German Lesbian anthology against sado-masochism, Mehr als das Herz Gebrochen (More than a Broken Heart) by Constance Ohms (Hg)in 1993. Some other chapters and updates from our book and later articles can be seen at http://bevjoradicallesbian.wordpress.com/)

(My focus here is about the contradiction of some Lesbian Feminists, or even Radical Feminists, also being sado-masochists. Some Radical Feminists ask how sado-masochists can be feminist at all, but some do have otherwise strong feminist politics. I am exploring this because Lesbians are my people. But I am in no way saying that Lesbians are more likely to be sado-masochists than are women who choose to be het or bisexual. Sexual interactions with men are by their nature sado-masochistic. Lesbians are the people who are the most free from the sado-masochism permeating patriarchal culture.)₁

Most of us grow up with mental, emotional, and physical abuse. I believe most of us have been sexually assaulted, and certainly all females have been sexually harassed as well as subjected to violent hatred of females throughout the media. Patriarchy, reinforced by religions, is a sado-masochistic culture, based on humiliation, pain, and suffering. Most females’ earliest feelings of love, intimacy, and passion are interwoven with dependence, fear, anger, threats, and rape. We are taught to be both self-hating (masochistic) and to hate our own kind (sadistic). We are trained into sado-masochistic scenarios from the day we are born. I believe this is done to disconnect us from our natural feelings of love and passion towards other females. We are also taught to turn our reasonable, righteous anger inward so that most girls feel suicidal at some point in their lives. It is hard to identify with other females who are victims, so many girls and women learn to worship the boys and males who have tormented and tortured them. This also explains some of why women will line up to marry imprisoned serial rapists and killers of women and girls, and will betray other females on behalf of men claiming to be female.

Most girls hate themselves and other girls so much that they choose to become heterosexual. Lesbians fight for the right to love ourselves and each other, but we still carry a lot of self-hatred. That doesn’t mean that we have to accept feelings of masochism and sadism because of the ways we’re oppressed any more than we have to accept the feelings of hatred and self-hatred because of being exposed to the heterosexism, classism, racism, anti-Semitism, ableism, ageism, fat oppression, looksism, etc. that are reflected in the patriarchy around us. Our politics and common sense give us the awareness to say no to oppression, as well using our own privileges against others, and gives us the strength and awareness to face reality and reject the lies forced on us.

It’s one thing to recognize the ways we are manipulated and conned to hate ourselves and other women, but it’s another to glorify, proselytize, and sexualize this misogyny and to justify it as a reasonable political position and identity.

CONTRADICTIONS

It’s telling how many euphemisms Lesbians use for sado-masochism. It’s as if Lesbian sado-masochists, and particularly those identifying as Lesbian Feminists, really do not want to use the most accurate and revealing word for what they do. I believe that’s because they are in conflict about it.

After all, how can they self-identify with the Marquis de Sade, who proudly tortured and murdered women, as well as Sacher Masoch, who pretended to be a masochist_2, while also subjecting women to non-consensual sadism. Identifying with these men is male-identified in the worst possible sense. And yet, many Lesbians have joined with the majority mainstream het and bisexual women and with most men in becoming sado-masochists.

When sado-masochism first openly appeared in my Lesbian Feminist community in the San Francisco Bay Area in the late Seventies, Samois, a “Lesbian Feminist” sado-masochist group, played with the terms and with many Lesbians’ minds by calling it “S/M,” saying that the power was equally shared. Their book, “Coming to Power,” began with sado-masochists patronizingly re-naming the rest of us as “vanilla.” (The sado-masochist cult shares many parallels with the trans cult, where women are re-named against our will – trans call us “cis” — and where we are insulted and lied about and lied to in order to con and manipulate us.)

The euphemisms keep changing. The most common one I see now is BDSM and “Leather” and “Kink.” I have been shouted at for daring to say “sado-masochists” rather than “Leather-dykes.” I have also been called “leather-phobic.” Anyone who refuses to call men who appropriate female and Lesbian identity “transwomen” will recognize the cult technique of bullying to censor opposition and political differences. In both cases, we are forbidden to think or say what we think. After enough times of being yelled at and threatened, many Lesbians just obey.

But why should we obey? What right do sado-masochists have to claim the term “leather” for their own or to police our language and politics? Leather has long been associated with Lesbians and especially with Butches who came out before feminism, and has nothing innately to do with sado-masochism.

Can you remember your first reaction when hearing about “Lesbian Feminist” sado-masochists?  Many of us were stunned that Lesbians, and especially Lesbians who called themselves feminists, would participate in such a Lesbian-hating and female-hating practice.

It’s important for those who consider themselves Radical Feminists or Separatists to be aware of how sado-masochism bonds them with patriarchy, het and gay men, and het and bisexual women. Some of us watched sado-masochism brought into our Lesbian communities and relationships by women who learned it from their husbands and boyfriends. Other women learned it from gay male friends. Some members of Samois had previously been in “Cardea,” a women’s sado-masochist support group, which had been connected to “Janus,” a group that included het and gay male sado-masochists.

Sado-masochism may be trendy, but it isn’t new – it’s as old as patriarchy. Religions, such as christianity, are based on sado-masochism. Those of us who were forced to be catholic as little girls, grew up surrounded by images of bloody and tortured jesus and saints, and were taught to regularly contemplate the blood and gore.

Mainstream culture is full of sado-masochism. I saw virtually every Hollywood movie in the Fifties when I was a girl. I’d thought that sado-masochism in the media was less obvious than now, but recently saw just a few minutes from the 1960 popular film, “Spartacus,” which I’d seen when I was nine. Spartacus was the escaped slave who formed an army to free people enslaved by the Romans. In the short scene I saw, he freed a slave woman who asked him to order her to always obey him, as part of their flirtation. Talk about obvious sado-masochism!  Clearly, sado-masochism was far more important than the idea of freeing everyone. (This scene, which was supposed to be powerful and presumably sexually charged, was just laughable. But then, most sado-masochistic scenes are.)

Part of the myth of sado-masochism is that it is so bold and daring that discussing it or even thinking about it will “trigger” women who have been abused. I believe sado-masochists get off on this because it contributes to their power. Nothing deflates that posturing as quickly as not only refusing to be intimidated, but finding it silly and pathetic. Yes, some aspects are horrifying and play on serious misogyny, Lesbian-hating, racism, etc., but that makes Radical Lesbian Feminists angry rather than afraid.

Sado-masochists attempt to intimidate any Lesbians who oppose them into not trusting our reasonable and instinctive emotional, psychic, and political objections to sado-masochism by using the political language of oppression to silence and censor us.  Just as with the trans cult’s dishonest tactics, sado-masochists use feminist politics against us. The fact that many responsible and caring Lesbians don’t want to oppress other Lesbians is used to manipulate us into accepting sado-masochists as an oppressed sexual minority. In reality, they are the mainstream majority, with sado-masochism providing titillation for otherwise bored hets. Sado-masochism (again, like the trans cult) is a right wing backlash against female-loving. It’s mainstream as well as deeply misogynist and Lesbian-hating. Reverse discrimination does not exist.

In my experience, when the political cons don’t work, both sadists and masochists resort to their usual verbal/emotional abuse, including using classism, by calling us “stupid, ignorant fools” and telling us to “educate ourselves,” as if that will make us be more open to their obviously warped politics. Attempts at shaming and humiliation are classic parts of sado-masochistic scenes, so most are quite used to these techniques.

The main pro-sado-masochist argument is that someone should be able to do whatever they want in the privacy of their bedroom and it’s no one else’s business. Well, the same can be said for porn and prostitution, as well as other right wing political practices. Such decisions affect all of us, individually and as a community. We’ve had enough decades seeing the harm sado-masochism does to Lesbian relationships and communities to have the right to talk about it.

At this point, for me, it’s really just about saying “no” to sado-masochists. But I haven’t seen that work very well, whether I’m trying to be friends or work politically with them. What I’ve experienced is non-consensual verbal and emotional abuse with my “no” being ignored.

The last time I ignored my common sense and worked with two sado-masochists in a Radical Lesbian Feminist political group, I was subjected to one of the members bringing her bullwhip to every meeting, presumably because she needed to practice. (You can’t make this shit up.)  From what I could tell, she was using it to flirt and to try to intimidate me. The intimidation didn’t work, but the flirting with other members did. Another member who claims to be against sado-masochism gave me an insulting lecture saying that I was showing bigotry equivalent to racism because I’d said my experiences with sado-masochists are that they inevitably do non-consensual emotional abuse.  (Again, this is similar to the kind of mind-fuck the trans cult uses against feminists.)

I lost a sadist friend from that group who I otherwise shared Radical Lesbian Feminist politics with. She accused me of “outing the worst and darkest hour of the Leather-dyke community” because I wrote at a Radical Feminist blog about gentile Pat Califia non-consensually carving a swastika into her Jewish lover’s back. What Califia did has been well-known for decades as an example of what sadists can do in spite of claiming to be respectful of “no.”  It is even more volatile and relevant because Califia is one of the original stars of the “Lesbian Feminist” sado-masochist movement and was instrumental into bringing it into our communities. Linda Strega, Ruston, and I wrote in our book in 1990 about what Califia did. It’s never been a secret. Yet, this friend was so desperate to keep it hidden that she verbally abused me and tried to censor me. She acted like I had betrayed her beloved sado-masochist community and expected that I should keep their secret, which I have to say is a bit reminiscent of keeping Daddy’s secret about molesting daughters – especially since sadists (including my ex-friend) like to be called “Daddy.” Considering how many women have been sexually assaulted by “Daddy,” it is also hard to accept “Daddy” being used as a “play” term for sadists in sexual encounters.

Rather than being discriminated against, sadist pornographers seem to get preferential treatment.  Califia has continued being Lesbian sado-masochism’s poster girl in spite of the fact of her increasing public male-worshipping. Califia said decades ago that she “would rather fuck a hot boy who’s into S & M than a vanilla Lesbian.” It’s actually a relief that she has come full circle back to men, although in a slightly different version of her former male-identified self. She is now claiming to BE a gay man – or what the more rational of us recognize as a het or bisexual woman obsessed with gay men (“fag hag”). Yet Califia still has so much power that even after abusing her lover in such a horrific way (can you imagine removing that scar?), after being forgiven for calling the police on the lover’s friends who went after her, and after writing books with some of the most Lesbian-hating misogynist sadistic porn imaginable (in “Macho Sluts,” one story is about a Lesbian being given the birthday “gift” of being gang-raped by gay men posing as cops), she was still made Lesbian sex/relationship advice columnist for the Lesbian magazine “Girlfriends.” She was allowed to keep that job even after she “came out” as a gay man and called herself “Patrick Califia.”

I do not believe the gay male line, which has done so much damage to Lesbians, that we are all “born this way.” Lesbian Feminists in the Seventies proudly said that we were making a choice to be Lesbians, as opposed to the mainstream het lie that says only a few perverts are born queer. Women being aware we are making a choice to be het or bisexual or Lesbian changes women and changes the world. It’s an enormous threat to patriarchy. It brings up the fact that all woman could choose to be Lesbians, which is what I think they would do if it wasn’t for the extreme punishment for refusing and reward for obeying.

As our once independent, strongly feminist Lesbian community was being eroded by gay male influence, many Lesbians started to explain their past het choices and later coming out as “I was always a Lesbian. I just didn’t know it.”  The right wing’s attitude is that we don’t deserve equal rights because we are choosing to be queer, so gay male and now mainstream Lesbians’ answer is that “We would of course choose to be het like you if we could, but we’re just pathetic queers who have no choice, so please give us equal rights.” It’s a politics based on shame and pity, not pride and self-love, like Lesbian Feminism.

I believe that Pat Califia has always chosen to be a bisexual, like the two other women (JoAnn Loulan and Susie Bright) who were the main “sexologists” who pushed their agenda of sado-masochism, porn, heterosexism, etc. in our Lesbian community in the Eighties. They pretended to be Lesbians partly because writing porn/sex books and doing workshops for Lesbians meant they were accepted by Lesbians and made money and careers from Lesbians. JoAnn Loulan redefined “Lesbian” in her destructive book, “Lesbian Sex,”(which Linda Strega and I reviewed in our article, “Lesbian Sex – Is It? In 1985) by saying that “some Lesbians have wonderful ongoing sexual relations with men.” This was such a mind-fuck that one of our headings was “Can Therapists Make Lesbians Disappear?” We knew Loulan could not be a Lesbian by her own definition, and years after taking money from Lesbians, she admitted on national television that she was with a man. But most Lesbians seemed to believe and trust these women based on the authority and expertise they claimed as therapists or “sexologists.” In restrospect, it was actually quite the dominance and submission scenario. This was also where our community seemed to switch from not trusting anyone who set themselves up as stars, to just obeying “authority.”

Those who were pro-porn and sado-masochism were scathing and ridiculing towards Radical Lesbian Feminism. The glossy magazine, “On Our Backs,” that glorified “Lesbian” porn and sado-masochism and role-playing, chose that name in opposition to the longtime Feminist newspaper, “off our backs.”  It was all clearly so reactionary and right wing, yet few seemed to question it. Or maybe they did and were censored in the Lesbian media. And then the “Lesbian” strip shows began – not just in the usual male porn districts, but in our own communities, prostituting all of us for men and endangering us. (How many men have raped Lesbians after reading Califia’s porn about Lesbians wanting to be raped?) Suddenly, mainstream or liberal and leftist bookstores replaced Feminist or Lesbian Feminist books and newspapers with porn and sado-masochist books by “Lesbians,” for Lesbians, and whoever else wanted to spend the money. I still believe that the male porn industry funded this takeover of our communities.

SADO-MASOCHIST “CONSENT” IS AN ILLUSION

The “consenting” exchange of power and trust said to be the core of sado-masochism is in reality a re-play of the betrayed trust and abuse of power most of us experienced as girls. What does it mean to be unable to accept “love” unless punished? Why ask someone you love to play your rapist? Why want to hurt, beat, cut, whip, burn, humiliate, and shit on someone you “love?” How can re-playing scenes of sexual terrorization ever be good for someone? How can anyone who is sexually excited by the inequalities acted out in sado-masochism be trusted to respect limits. If it was a release, then why is sado-masochism so addictive and those who join the cult increase the level of pain and destructive games? Why do so many lose control?

When Lesbians are used to playing emotional as well as physical sado-masochistic games, do they automatically stop when they are around Lesbians who do not want to play games of hierarchy and humiliation? In my experience, they don’t. Besides friends and acquaintances being treated in sado-masochistic ways, some scenes are done as public displays, with unwilling spectators, because many sado-masochists are stimulated by having an unwilling audience. Even just parading around in sado-masochistic regalia, and bragging about sado-masochistic events is exhibitionistic and an example of shoving sado-masochism at us against our will, like the sadist who brought her bullwhip to our political meetings.

It’s hard to take seriously a Lesbian who accuses you of “demonizing” sado-masochism while she is wearing the Nazi-style leather cap that gay male sado-masochists popularized. Gay men made an entire business out of producing expensive leather sado-masochistic paraphernalia, as well as fabricating a political movement, complete with a “Leather Pride” flag (black and blue with a red heart₃), which they march with and fly over the Armory, an enormous dungeon that takes up an entire city block in San Francisco. Demanding respect as an oppressed minority parallels the trans cult again.)  My ex-friend first became a sado-masochist in a bisexual community when she was still quite young. She became a Lesbian within a year, but, in spite of her otherwise Radical Lesbian Feminist and Separatist politics, her first loyalty lies with the sado-masochistic community, which became obvious to me when she clearly still thought of Pat Califia as a courageous hero, rather than the male-worshipping misogynist porny bisexual sadist who brought the worst aspects of gay male culture directly into our community, as well as the genderqueer crap my friend so rails against.

But then sado-masochism is about ritualizing inequality and oppression. Hero-worship without examining what that means is just one aspect of mainstream sado-masochism in patriarchal culture.

Another example of non-consensuality is in female-identified Lesbian support groups which are meant to provide a safe space for Lesbians who do not want to be around women identifying as male and using male pronouns, yet special exemptions are made for sado-masochistic “play” language. Why the double standard?  Even more interesting is that it would never be allowed for someone to bring a beer to such a group since that might trigger a Lesbian in “Recovery” to want to drink, yet there is no concern for anyone who has been raped by their “Daddy” to not want to hear Lesbians play with that term sexually.

A friend of mine had dinner with a Lesbian who defines herself as a “Top.” When my friend went to leave, the sadist grabbed her arm and told her she was staying.  My friend finally had to push her away to get her to let go. What if another Lesbian in that situation had been too intimidated or upset to be able to show that she was willing to defend herself?  It sounded like this was a game/scenario the sadist was used to playing. How many Lesbians has she attacked?

I have to ask: What atrocities have sado-masochists managed to hide?

“WHAT CAN TWO GIRLS DO TOGETHER WITHOUT A —–?”

Sado-masochists tell us we need games, apparatus, and role-playing scenes to be exciting, which is similar to when men and het women ask “What can two girls do together without a prick?” Instead of asking how can we be passionate without rape and slave and prisoner scenes, handcuffs, whips, dildos, role-playing, etc., I ask why any Lesbian feels so bored and empty that she is driven to increasingly unsavory and bizarre scenarios. It’s running away from real passion and intensity. There is nothing like being completely present with your lover, looking into each other’s eyes, as you make love. But then, many sado-masochists have anonymous sex with complete strangers.

To me, the epitome of sado-masochism, which, after all, is based on male violence against women, is the glorifying of maleness. Using dildos, and believing you need dildos for Lesbian love-making, is more destructive for Lesbians than the worst aspects of sado-masochism. I just don’t understand the reason for it other than pretending to be male or pretending your lover is. There is nothing you can do with a dildo that you can’t do far more intensely and passionately with your Lesbian hands and Lesbian body. Most Lesbians find pricks disgusting, so why play with a fake one?

From what I’ve read, it’s ex-het Fems who primarily brought dildos into our Lesbians communities (Joan Nestle wrote about this in “A Persistent Desire,” when she described carrying a dildo in her purse in case she met a Butch she wanted to fuck her), and then brought them back after they seemed to be rejected by most Lesbians. I can’t help but distrust the motives. A self-hating, lesbophobic, Lesbian-hating Lesbian can pretend it’s not really a Lesbian making love to her if a dildo is being used. And that same hateful woman can feel more “normal” by pretending to be a man touching a woman when she is “making love” with a dildo. It’s a way to avoid touching and being touched. It’s a way to distance, as well as to pornify Lesbian sexuality.

I have heard so many Butches say they hated and felt objectified by being asked to use dildos on lovers. But, of course, Lesbians, and especially Butches, want to please their lovers. I’m guessing that dildos came back into use because some Fems demanded them, and then lovers complied. Dildos merged with the rest of the sado-masochistic “sex toys” that Lesbians talk about in order to not feel left out.

I’ve seen two documentaries where Lesbians decided to have mastectomies and take hormones to please their lovers who did not want to think of themselves as Lesbians, and to please their lovers’ families. So if mutilating yourself and risking your life is required for some relationships, why not use dildos?

When I protested at a Butch Conference that it was wrong to assume that we all used dildos, a sado-masochistic Hard Fem lectured me as if I had no awareness of what dildos were. When I refused to submit to her, she dismissed me by using ageism, telling me that I was probably too old to change. Is fourteen too old?  That’s the age when I first heard about dildos, in 1965, when I visited the girl I had been in love with since I was five and she was nine. Now, at eighteen, Rosemary had found a sort of Lesbian community, though it sounded like it was the ex-het, ex-wife Fems in control and who taught the younger Lesbians what to do. Rosemary was in love with her Butch friend, but that was disapproved of. She asked if I knew what a dildo was and proceeded to explain that Lesbians needed to use them to satisfy these women since they didn’t have pricks. I only vaguely knew what a prick was and was repulsed. I was also confused since I was sure I was a Lesbian, having been in love with other girls since my earliest memories, but if this was what it meant to be a Lesbian, then how could I be?  How many young and older Lesbians are made to feel more alone and isolated by the normalizing of dildos and other sado-masochism in our communities?

Butches are particularly objectified in regards to dildos. A local “sex toy” party and demonstration was given recently by a Fem who made a “joke” about having to watch to make sure that no Butch would steal her dildos. Why would any Butch want her ugly dildos/

It is so disturbing how absolutely mainstream and acceptable dildos have become in our communities. Where once Lesbians said no, they now feel guilty and not trendy enough if they don’t use them. I even hear Lesbians complaining about the cost — after all, it’s become a big business. It’s also become a het and mainstream joke in the media and elsewhere, and therefore is a way for men to be reassured that, deep down, Lesbians really do want pricks. How can any Lesbian with a sense of pride want to participate in this? Men appropriating Lesbian identity are also using dildos to claim that their pricks are just a variation and so they should be allowed to be in female-only space. (GenderTrender is a blog by Gallus Mag, where she posts some of these Lesbian-hating men in their own words — http://gendertrender.wordpress.com/)

SADO-MASOCHISM IS ADDICTIVE

Many sado-masochists are also addicted to alcohol and other drugs. The popular gay male drug, poppers (amyl nitrate), is used to make it easier to have something shoved up your rectum. While it can be damaging to be lovers with addicted Lesbians who are not careful, it can be dangerous to do sado-masochism with one. Sado-masochists say that when someone is sexually aroused, sensations which normally would be painful are no longer felt as pain, or that, mystically, there becomes less distinction between pain and pleasure. But why wouldn’t there be more sensitivity, rather than less? Why is insensitivity to pain said to be good when it is actually dangerous to our safety? If a Lesbian is feeling numb sexually, why is sado-masochism recommended, rather than exploring why she is shut down? The oppression and brutality that we’ve suffered as Lesbians and as women have caused many of us to become numb, physically, psychically, and emotionally. It can be hard for many of us to really feel our bodies because they’ve been the objects of torture and ridicule for so long.

A friend has said that we’re not born wanting to feel pain. Babies move away from pain, not towards it. Craving pain is not natural. It’s a sign of damage.

We’ve all internalized a connection between love and violence, pleasure and pain – it’s a natural response to constant assault and abuse from an early age and a culture that glorifies rape and torture. It’s not our fault if we’ve internalized some of those feelings, but it’s therapized crap that we should just accept them. Do we just accept oppressive or suicidal feelings that we might have? Sadistic and masochistic feelings are not naturally ours. We must fight them just as we must fight suicidal, addictive, or other destructive impulses.

Another addictive and male aspect of sado-masochism is competition to see how far you will go. There is definitely status into being into “heavy” sado-masochism, including wearing the black handkerchief in a back pocket (again, Lesbians imitating gay male culture.)  Along with this are the putdowns and ridicule of non-sado-masochist Lesbian love-making as being weak, passionless, prudish, etc., when the truth is the opposite.

The fact that many sado-masochists keep increasing their dosage of pain and humiliation, as addicts do, in a desperate attempt to feel less numb or just to feel something, is ignored, as is the fact that as a group, Lesbians are the most passionate people on earth.

Sado-masochists, like other addicts, insist that what they are doing is good for themselves and that they are making a healthy choice. Once addicted, doses tend to increase, and so does the level of sado-masochism.  Lesbians start to do more and more, bragging about pushing limits. It becomes necessary to do sado-masochism to feel sexual at all or to have an orgasm. And sado-masochists relentlessly push sado-masochism on the rest of us, nonconsensually.

An example is from an interview with Joan Kelly (an upper-middle class woman who describes herself as a Radical Feminist and who has a blog called “Chicks Dig Me.” She is still selling her book, The Pleasure’s All Mine: The Memoir of a Professional Submissive. Here’s an excerpt from the Village Voice review of her book:

Big Bucks for Pain Sluts: Inside the Kinky World of a Professional Submissive₄–

My favorite part of the job is the physical high, while the biggest drawback is tending to bruises several times a day after a heavy corporal scene. “I surprise myself at how far my pain tolerance has evolved. For example, I had a client sew my vaginal lips shut, and I didn’t make a peep,” Ophelia (Joan Kelly) boasts via e-mail. “I had another client who took 18-gauge needles, heated them until they were red-hot, and used them to pierce the insides of my butt cheeks. I could hear my skin sizzling as the needles penetrated me.”

Why have I never seen any feminist challenge this woman’s right to call herself a feminist, let alone “Radical Feminist,” while selling herself and all women out in such a disgusting way? She is making money off feeding men’s fantasies about women loving being tortured by men.

A friend describes these public proud sado-masochist prostitutes as being in the pimp role, because they proselytize prostitution. In this case, Joan Kelly is also pimping all women into being targets for male violence. Certainly men use this kind of porn as an excuse for assaulting women, since it’s not just “snuff” films (where women are literally killed for male pleasure) which lead more men to attack women and girls. Explicit pornography in advertizing, TV, movies, magazines, and online has massively increased as a response to feminism until it’s become a “normal” expression of heterosexuality and is now part of mainstream “culture” in many countries. It’s also part of the backlash against the Women’s Liberation and Lesbian Liberation Movements and has contributed to the rise of sado-masochism in het and Lesbian society. “Lesbian” porn for and by men is the most popular porn. The mainstreaming of sado-masochism in the everyday propaganda of women being willing victims or “sluts” is just as dangerous. There is a direct link between sado-masochist “toys” and high heels, make-up, slutty clothes, etc.

Too many Lesbians get involved in sado-masochism because of desperately wanting to please lovers. How many Lesbians now want to become free of the addiction of sado-masochism, but don’t know how, and instead of getting support, are called traitors by the proponents of sado-masochism? It is very hard to leave a cult.

THE DANGERS AND THE DAMAGE

We really are not supposed to talk about this, but some sado-masochist Lesbians have suffered permanent physical damage from: lacerations of the vagina and cervix, loss of bladder and bowel control (from fisting), uterine injury, scarring from whipping, burning, and cutting (how do you remove an incised swastika?). Some Lesbians have gotten STDs, including Hepatitis and AIDs from blood and shit contact. Joan Kelly described loving the feel of those hot needles inserted into her body and from having her labia sewn up. Can you imagine her scars? (Sorry to focus on the scars, but it’s a permanent reminder even after a woman decides to quit sado-masochism.)

One Lesbian sado-masochist book’s “suggested guidelines for safety” only reveals how unsafe sado-masochism is.  The needle for nipple piercing has to be carefully placed to not puncture the milk ducts. “A womon’s nipple will take three months or longer to heal, with daily attention to hygiene.”  For labia piercing: “You will need to wash the vulva at least twice a day…until it has healed. It will take at least 6 to 8 weeks to heal.” For “golden showers:” “Anyone who drinks piss should be sure to drink plenty of water afterward, to help wash the excess urea out of her system.” “If you receive brown showers, you should monitor your health closely. In particular, you and your partner need to be checked regularly for intestinal parasites.” Since it can take a while to show up positive for certain blood-borne illnesses, some women can be contagious without knowing.

What does it do to a Lesbian to be whipped, chained, cut, burned, humiliated – to lick someone’s boots, to have cries of “No, stop!… please stop….” be ignored as part of the game – to be literally shit on and ordered to eat shit, to be called vile names? What is the effect on the Lesbian doing these things?  How does it affect anyone else they relate to? What does it do to a Lesbian to be told she must hurt and humiliate her lover in order to please her?  And how often does the “safe” word end up being ignored?

Lesbians have been made the scapegoats for the men and boys who sexually assault girls and women. What damage does it do to play out those scenarios? When a Lesbian plays “rapist,” she is inviting the forces of Lesbian-hatred deep into herself and into our culture. When a Lesbian plays at being a willing victim, she is mocking all victims of rape. (I still believe that glorifying rape by feeding the lie that women want to be raped, as Califia has done for money and fame, is one of the worst betrayals any woman can do to other women.)

What damage is done for a Lesbian to be called a “slave” and call her lover “master” or “Daddy?”  On US national television a European-descent Lesbian was shown calling her African-descent lover her “slave,” as she led her around by a leash. What damage is done when a gentile dresses up in a Nazi uniform and carves a swastika on a Jewish Lesbian’s body? What damage is done in playing out rape scenarios for “fun?” How can any Lesbian defend, identify with, or justify these actions?  I ask the same question about those who read and watch porn. I say that it damages Lesbians who do these things, on many levels. It is hard enough to not be contaminated by misogyny and Lesbian-hatred that is all around us as it is.

Some “Lesbian Feminist” sado-masochists are outraged at what we and others have written, and they protest, “But we don’t do that!”  Yet by saying they are into “Leather” or “Kink” or “BDSM,” they make a public statement identifying themselves with that cult. I have yet to read or hear any Lesbian publicly protesting or disagreeing with any aspect of sado-masochism. Loyalty first goes to other sado-masochists, including someone as abusive as Pat Califia. My ex-friend never sounded upset at Califia, but only at me for writing about what she’d done.

Most sado-masochists insist that sado-masochism helps free them from past trauma and abuse. They say they know the difference between real and pretend, consent and abuse. But Lesbians who leave the sado-masochist cult say differently and talk about how lines are crossed and consensuality ignored. Even Lesbians in non-sado-masochist relationships that become abusive can have trouble recognizing what is abusive until it’s in the past. Instead of freeing you from past abuse, sado-masochism is like cutting an old scar, deepening the damage.

MASOCHISM IS SELF-HATRED/SADISM IS LESBIAN-HATRED

“Top” (sadist) and “Bottom” (masochist) are roles used by het and gay men, het and bisexual women, and Lesbians to define their sado-masochistic roles. Although sado-masochists may switch, most define themselves in rigid roles. Sado-masochism is defined as a “mutual exchange of power.” Why then, are the vast majority of sado-masochist Lesbians self-defined masochists who crave pain and humiliation? The few “tops” usually don’t look very comfortable in their sadist role.

We live in a very Lesbian-hating world and it is almost impossible to escape internalizing that self-hatred. It’s no coincidence that many sado-masochists Lesbians, including “tops,” are still self-mutilating. Rather than accepting and encouraging the roles of dominant and submissive, sadist and masochist, why not fight those roles?  Many sado-masochists are addicts trying to be sober. Why don’t they see the connection with sado-masochism as another kind of destructive drug?

We have enough trouble from having grown up in patriarchy with inequalities like heterosexism, sexism, classism, racism, anti-Semitism, ableism, ageism, fat oppression, looksism, etc. as being the norm without glorifying abusive power differences. It increases and reinforces inequality to ritualize and sexualize it. Yet, it used to be said that playing sado-masochistic games would somehow free Lesbians from the oppressions we’ve been indoctrinated with. No one is so trustworthy that it’s safe to play with such pain and oppression. Even when the roles are reversed, how does it affect a relationship for the more oppressed Lesbians to focus a lifetime of justified rage onto her Lesbian lover? The situation still isn’t equalized.

All these years after this fad became popular in our community, has anything seemed to change for the better?  I sure haven’t seen it. I only see the sado-masochists I know refusing to take “no” for an answer.

TRENDY IS REACTIONARY

Patriarchy loves to create subcultures so that the boring, bland privileged can feel even more superior compared to “common, ordinary” people. Meanwhile, their trendy subcultures, with their own expensive clothing and hair styles, create new markets for the fashion industry. Often manufacturers themselves determine which new fashions will become “counter-culture” styles. This game-playing at who’s trendy and who’s passé helps hets feel less numb, since being het is incredibly boring.

The most popular fads are those pretending to express “rebellion.” Smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol had that appeal in the past, but they have long since become part of mainstream dominant culture.  Still, in spite of how passé they are, and how dangerous they are to the health of the users as well as those around them, many Lesbians still use them simply because they are associated with being trendy.

Trendy Lesbians often act as if they are still rebelling against their parents who don’t want them to look slutty, but they are actually allying with the parental attitudes that prefer a Lesbian be or look ANY way other than identifiably Lesbian. Looking male-identified feminine is very much part of sado-masochism, although many non-sado-masochists also consider it exciting and sexy. This is where the line between non-sado-masochists and sado-masochists can blend and merge. It’s interesting that some feminists who object to leather and studs on Lesbians feel fine about the more traditional male look for women: high heels, make up, dresses etc. But the conformist, reactionary politics that support Lesbians looking het also fuel sado-masochism.

Anything that reflects how men want women to appear, including looking ridiculous and emaciated, is innately misogynist.  Mainstream and fashion images of women often mimic or promote sado-masochism, such as showing women wearing makeup that mimics bruising – once you start to recognize sado-masochistic promotion, besides the overt images, you see that the media is full of it.

For het and bisexual women who are already male-identified, being sado-masochistic is just “normal.” Het and gay male culture and media constantly show sado-masochism in films, television, plays, books, etc. Many het and bisexual women seem to whole-heartedly participate. I believe that heterosexuality is by its nature sado-masochistic. Women being fucked by men is humiliating and degrading, which is why many het feminists are against women being fucked or “PIV” (Penis in Vagina), as many call it. (I really don’t like euphemisms, and the current feminist term “PIV” both pretties up the reality as well as making it sound even more grotesque.)  There’s a reason that girls’ first reaction to learning about fucking is to be horrified and disgusted.

Many women now proclaim proudly how they love being fucked, but that’s a fairly recent phenomenon, which I believe is in response to the intense pressure on women to obey men’s rules, which is a direct response to the threat of the Women’s Liberation Movement. In the past, it was an open joke that women chose a form of legally contracted prostitution, to sexually service one man in exchange for het privilege, respectability, “being taken care of” (since men’s wages are so much higher than women’s), to be considered “normal,” please their families, etc. – with the joke being that they hated being heterosexual with their men. (“Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.”) All that changed with the “Sexual Revolution,” where men got “free love” (no more paying), while women got STDs, pregnant, and less rewards (though still enough for most to not consider being celibate or Lesbian.) The “Sexual Revolution” was men’s way of dispensing with the game of heterosexual “love” in order to admit that they just wanted to fuck, rape, and abuse as many girls and women as possible.

Some mothers try to protect their daughters from being fuck fodder for men but many girls and young women rebel against their mothers by becoming even more of what patriarchy calls “sluts” and are proud of what they mistakenly believe is being “liberated’ and daringly rebellious. There is nothing more conservative, reactionary, destructive and old-fashioned than for a woman to be fucked. The male “Sexual Revolution” capitalized on this by encouraging as many women as possible to agree to being fucked by as many men as possible to feel “liberated.” Some women literally died as a result from getting lethal STDs such as AIDS and Hepatitis.

There is a whole level of sado-masochism that carries over into oppressing Butches, but with the same kinds of erroneous assumptions that are similar to the trans cult, where the most female and Lesbian and most oppressed in the situation (Butches) are equated with being the opposite – the most male, the dominator, and the privileged. The reverse is true, which we explained in our book and in my recent update, “Supporting Butches Supports All Lesbians.”

For the Radical Lesbian Feminists who don’t understand, equating Butches with privilege, is similar to how the trans cult says that Lesbians are more privileged than trans, even though they are either men wielding their male privilege against Lesbians and women, or are women who want male privilege and are self-hating enough to despise Lesbians.

FIGHTING SADO-MASOCHISM IS PRO-LESBIAN

I went to a party recently where a friend brought out a paddle and explained that sado-masochism helps to heighten sensation. Another friend, rather wearily, I thought, repeated almost verbatim, another old Samois line about how playing with sado-masochism helps women overcome past abuse (as opposed to the reality of becoming addicted to reenacting it.) It is very sad to see all these years later, younger women continuing those sado-masochist con lines.

Some Lesbians promote the myth about sado-masochists being an oppressed minority by saying they shouldn’t have to “be in the closet” about their sexual preferences. We agree that we would prefer knowing who is and who isn’t a sado-masochist since so much of how they act is based on enjoying power imbalances and there’s enough of that already between women without playing games to add to it. So, no, we don’t want anyone hiding that they enjoy humiliating lovers, cutting and beating lovers, pressuring lovers to drink their piss or eat their shit, etc. or that they are masochists who want a sadist lover, and we object to comparing being sado-masochist to Lesbians who have to hide who they are to survive.

Some have credited sado-masochism with making it easier for Lesbians to talk about sex, but Lesbians do that all the time without being sado-masochist. Perhaps it just isn’t considered “real” sex if it isn’t in a male context? — Just as men don’t consider whatever is not fucking to be “real” sex, no matter how many more orgasms women can have with other women.

We support Lesbians who have stopped being sado-masochists and know that they get bullied in a similar way to how women who leave the trans cult are harassed.

Haven’t we learned enough by now to know that wanting to do something that is destructive to ourselves and other females is just not good? For our survival and self-respect, we need to turn our justified hatred against our enemies and our oppressors, instead of inward, letting men’s war against us to be successful.

Many Lesbians are becoming Radical Lesbian Feminists and Separatists, saying no to male and het values, and are fighting unjust hierarchies and oppressions. Recognizing

heterosexism among ourselves and in our communities opens the way to freeing ourselves from it. Rejecting and fighting sado-masochism is part of that. Some Lesbian events, like Dyke Separatist gatherings have been publicized as sado-masochist-free.

If Lesbians give up sado-masochism and allow their natural Lesbian passion to come out, they’ll find that nothing can compare with that wild love that only Lesbians have and can give.

 ENDNOTES

₁   Susan Hawthorne has also written against Lesbian sado-masochism in http://guweb2.gonzaga.edu/againsthate/journal4/04ancienthatred.pdf

₂  From Wikipedia: On 9 December 1869, Sacher-Masoch and his mistress Baroness Fanny Pistor signed a contract making him her slave for a period of six months, with the stipulation that the Baroness wear furs as often as possible, especially when she was in a cruel mood….Sacher-Masoch pressured his first wife, Aurora von Rümelin, whom he married in 1873, to live out the experience of the book, against her preferences.

₃   Leather Pride flag – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia  en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leather_Pride_flag

₄   Big Bucks for Pain Sluts
Inside the kinky world of professional submissive
By Rachel Kramer Bussel Tuesday, Feb 7 2006

Over the course of her career, Joan Kelly (submarnie.com) has been strung up and splashed with freezing water, had her labia sewn shut, gotten caned, and taken countless bare-bottomed spankings—and has loved almost every minute of it. As “Marnie,” the Los Angeles–based kinky gal works as an independent professional submissive. For $260 an hour (to start), you can hire her to lie across your lap and get whacked good and hard (her favorite) or, for several thousand dollars, go deeper into your dominant fantasies. She’ll even come right to your hotel room, or you can use a local dungeon.

Joan Kelly, author of The Pleasure’s All Mine: Memoir of a Professional Submissive

It’s clear from Kelly’s (Carroll & Graf, 2005) that this job’s about much more than money. Her excitement        is evident over the phone, as she reveals that she’s been single until recently, getting her pain fix on the job. “When I started, I had that Pretty Woman fantasy, thinking I’d meet Mr. Kinky Right. If that had ever happened, I would’ve quit in a heartbeat,” she confesses. “If I don’t have someone in my personal life [to be kinky with], I’m physically compelled to do sessions. I’ve tried to quit a few times, but I couldn’t—I have to have this in my life.” Kelly’s current paramour, whom she met online, is “getting kinkier by the minute,” responding to her cues.

Local pro sub Submissive Ophelia (submissiveophelia.com), who claims she’s “New York City’s most hardcore masochist,” also got into the work after a failed relationship. Her first boyfriend made her his captive, and after that, “I had a difficult time meeting men who enjoyed dominating me. My submissive urges kept growing, and I decided being a pro would get me more playtime and fulfill my desires.”

Her favorite part of the job is the physical high, while the biggest drawback is tending to bruises several times a day after a heavy corporal scene. “I surprise myself at how far my pain tolerance has evolved. For example, I had a client sew my vaginal lips shut, and I didn’t make a peep,” Ophelia (Joan Kelly) boasts via e-mail. “I had another client who took 18-gauge needles, heated them until they were red-hot, and used them to pierce the insides of my butt cheeks. I could hear my skin sizzling as the needles penetrated me.”

Byron Mayo, co-owner of the BDSM advertising hot spot Eros-Guide.com and former owner of a commercial San Francisco dungeon, has nothing but praise for the skills pro subs bring to their trade. “You can touch places in a really good sub session that most marriages don’t get to in years. The result is a sense of psychological intimacy most of us crave but rarely get,” he says. “In a world of political correctness, confusing role models, and enforced ‘equality,’ the ability to tell a beautiful, intelligent, and demure woman to get on her knees and do what you say is a fantasy come true.”

A woman after my own heart, Kelly’s favorite type of scene involves over-the-knee hand spanking and role-playing. “The hottest thing for me is if they’re ‘punishing’ me for something. I could do back-to-back spanking sessions all day, every day,” she enthuses, then clarifies—”but not if it were eight hours of super hard spanking.” She has done five hours in a row, but she enjoys the challenge. “I’m tired at the end of a day like that, but mostly from the emotional energy of plugging in with one person after another.”

Being a sub is decidedly more risky than wielding a whip, which is why pro subs make more than your average dominatrix. Kelly explains that in L.A., dungeons often start women as subs who can work their way up to being doms. They may go through the motions, but for Kelly, it’s all real. “Virtually any pro sub will do spanking, but if it’s not their fetish, they’re not gonna have the kind of response that turns a fellow fetishist on. Spanking pushes an instant arousal button in me. That’s not common in the professional s/m scene.” Mayo praises such dedication. “I’ve seen pro subs come out of sessions glowing like they’ve just spent a week on an island vacation with a fantasy lover. Others emerge needing to curl up and be held because they exposed so much raw emotion. They have to do it because they love it, or it will quickly go sour.”

• Novice clients, be forewarned: Cash alone will not buy your way to smacking Kelly’s ass. This proud “spanking fetishist, selective and submissively responsive bottom, and excitable pervert” (according to her website) insists that although she enjoys herself immensely during sessions, she’s no one’s plaything or naughty little girl. Don’t call her and expect instant obedience; you not only have to pay for that, you have to earn it. “Clients have to respect me as an equal person. I get to say how hard things will get, I get to say what I need,” she explains. “Guys will call up and while I’m trying to interview them as a potential client, ask, ‘Are you kneeling?’ It’s embarrassing for the guy.” Her advice? “Never assume anything about a woman you approach for a pro session—we’re all different. Some subs won’t take off their G-strings but will let you cane the shit out of them. There are women like me who’ll get naked and jerk off in front of you, but you better not start caning the hell out of me unless it’s my idea.”

SUPPORTING BUTCHES SUPPORTS ALL LESBIANS

Bev Jo

So how are things for Butches now, since 1990, when we published our chapter on Butch oppression (now at my blog) in “Dykes-Loving-Dykes?”

Well, things seem  a lot worse – some of which we predicted, based on how mainstream and assimilated (and Lesbian-hating) Lesbians were becoming. But some of it has still been a shock to me. I have never seen or heard such overt hatred of Butches among Lesbians as I’m hearing now, even while Butches have organized and allied as an oppressed community.

In my old Lesbian Feminist and Separatist community from the Seventies, there was disapproval about role-playing (which I still agree with, but not for the reasons said then), yet Butches were more respected than now. Even without clear politics about what it meant to be Butch, there was an awareness that Butches were the most visible of Lesbians who had kept Lesbian existence known while other Lesbians were hiding. Some of the out Butches had created our Lesbian Feminist community with their brilliant Radical Feminist politics, articles, poetry, music, etc., and were appreciated and acknowledged for that. Looking like a Lesbian or Dyke was valued, so most Lesbians, even most of the Hard Fems (the most male-identified feminine in mannerisms and behavior, and who we referred to as “Queens” in our Butch chapter in our book), cut their hair, wore trousers and boots, and the infamous flannel shirts. We didn’t wear “men’s” clothes. We rejected the flimsy, demeaning, and restrictive clothes men ordered us to wear, and we proudly wore OUR Dykey clothes, which were handsome, practical, comfortable, cheaper, sturdier, and safer (in terms of being able to defend ourselves, do physical work, and not be such a target for male harassment.)  We were saying yes to being Lesbians and no to men.

The only reason I can think of why Lesbians make fun of that time and of how we looked is that they are embarrassed by so many women being so clearly out and rejecting male rules and they want to police us into being less threatening and more assimilated. (You would think they’d invested in the cosmetics and other industries selling male-invented femininity.)  A few Fems from that time now talk bitterly about the “pressure” they felt to look like Lesbians, ignoring the harassment and sometimes lethal punishing pressure in patriarchal society (from family, het women and male friends, at work, from strangers, etc.) to look more het/feminine.

Now, most of the Lesbians I know pass as het. The more extremely male-defined feminine a Lesbian is, the more valued she is. Occasionally, there are defensive comments like, “What do you mean? How does someone look like a Lesbian?”  But we all really do know what it means – it means looking the way patriarchy forbids us to look, which deeply threatens those who support patriarchy. It means looking free and looking how only the most oblivious would not recognize as Lesbian. It means being able to identify each other in public. It means being proud to not assimilate or succumb to the pressure to feminize, including saying “I don’t want to waste my time and money trying to make myself fit impossible standards that leave most women feeling inadequate.” And to some of us, it means looking far more attractive.

There is a high price to pay for always looking like an out Dyke. It can mean being harassed by family, being disowned, hated and ridiculed, being threatened and attacked physically and verbally,  evicted, losing jobs, not getting jobs, etc.  Out Lesbians have been raped and killed for looking like Dykes.

Many Lesbians who are not Butch get Lesbian oppression. The more Dykey they look, the worse it is. But Butches basically do not or cannot pass as het, even the few who try to. That creates a whole other level of oppression. But it’s how Butches are treated in Lesbian communities that I’m writing about here, because if we can’t treat Butches as equals and with respect in our own communities, there isn’t much hope elsewhere.

For the first time, I am hearing Lesbians point out a particularly attractive Butch, saying “She’s so ugly. She looks just like a man.” Well, no, she doesn’t look like a man at all. She looks the opposite. The policing is so extreme, that I’m even hearing such insults said about stereotypically “cute” Fems with painted toenails, just because they have short hair and look like Lesbians. It is not a safe time and place to be an out Lesbian among Lesbians, let alone a Butch.

In just one week recently, I heard three Butch-hating comments from Lesbians. (And I can only imagine how much harder these onslaughts are for Butches with no support.)

On a hike, two Fems began commiserating about how hard it had been for them in college to find Lesbians to identify with because the only Lesbians they’d seen were Butch. (From experience, I’m guessing those “Butches” were probably mostly Dykey Fems since there aren’t that many Butches.) It didn’t occur to these Lesbians that by adhering to mainstream standards of how women are supposed to look, they were making it impossible for other Lesbians to find them. It’s as if they thought it was Lesbians’ responsibility to seek out and rescue them. The “Butches” took risks to be so visible, yet instead of being appreciated, they were criticized. Would it have been better for all the Lesbians to pass as het at those colleges? I think the real issue is that looking so Dykey was and is threatening to women. But why? What are they really scared of?

I think it comes back to the fear of being considered “abnormal” and not fitting in (“what will people think?”) – and daring to challenge rigid male rules of how females are “supposed” to look, which women continue to enforce. I frequently read Lesbian writers being very impressed with women displaying the various feminine styles that pretend to be wild, outrageous, and edgy with piercings, tattoos, elaborate hairdos, high heels, etc. – but these are just a variation on how women are expected and demanded to look, and are actually boringly mainstream. It is Butches and Dykey Fems, who are truly showing courage and, by their existence, are threatening patriarchy.

I don’t understand why so many women don’t seem capable or willing to understand basic feminist politics, like that “femininity” is male – male-invented, male-identified, and a caricature of true femaleness. It’s a colonized status, with obvious parallels with other colonized people who are pressured to assimilate. It is a demeaned appearance, demanded of women to display their supposed inferiority, and especially their subservience to men. That’s part of why it’s such a joke for men to dress in drag – they love to humiliate women. Nothing about “femininity” is female. It’s a patriarchal con. Yet, most women wholeheartedly accept and identify with it, and will defend it so rigidly and irrationally that they refuse to even think about the issue. Again, why is it so terrifying to explore?

The flip side of women’s fear of being too “Other” is women being extremely concerned about protecting some people who claim to be oppressed for being “Other” — as the “trans” identify, even though they have far more privilege than Butches — while undermining our communities by showing no concern for Butches. During that same week of the hike, I went to a Lesbian brunch where a Hard Fem was telling us about how terribly difficult it was for F2Ts (Female to Transsexuals – women who say they are men.)  I answered that they are women who no longer want to be us, and no longer want to be oppressed as women and/or Lesbians. (I do not believe people can change sex any more than they can change species. They are women opting for privilege at our expense. I’ve heard/read some say that they want to be men to get better jobs, more “chicks,” and because they dread becoming “old women.” I do not understand why we are expected to not only support them, but to put their desires above Lesbians,’ other than that usually everyone is considered more important than Lesbians. Of course it’s important to support anyone who is oppressed, but F2Ts are not more oppressed than Butches or Lesbians.)

As soon as I started to object to the comment, the het-looking woman began to lecture me with the trans cult line: “You have no idea what it’s like to grow up never feeling like you fit in!” Had she not bothered to look at me? This was an objectifying insult because anyone can tell immediately that I grew up exactly like she had described – knowing I never fit in as a “normal,” proper feminine girl. I have always felt like an outsider because I hated and rejected male-identified “femininity” from my earliest memories. I had no support — not one book or film showing Lesbians in anything other than the most horrible, degrading, terrifying stereotypes. You certainly couldn’t turn on the television like now, and see much-loved public Lesbians. Meanwhile, many F2Ts actually are Fem or het women who grew up fitting in quite well. But here was an example of the experiences of Butches being appropriated by a privileged Fem who was oppressing a less privileged Butch on behalf of F2Ts who had betrayed us both.

Then another Hard Fem at the brunch told us about how her nineteen year old daughter was a Butch who was lovers with another teenaged Butch. This sounded like a rare and wonderful event to me. But the mother was very upset because her daughter’s lover was “too Butch” and she preferred her to be with a more “womanly” Lesbian. When I protested, the first woman said confidingly to me, “It’s really more about class.” Meaning the young Butch was just too blatantly poverty class to be good enough for her daughter.

Sometimes I despair about Lesbians and women. But then I remember what all this means politically – it is clearly about the worshipping of patriarchal oppressive standards which too many women have adopted as their own – and that means that these attitudes and ways of hurting other women can be changed, just as some formerly right wing women have changed and now fight for justice. But unlike with other issues of privilege and oppression, specifically Lesbian issues are ignored. Our communities have been inundated with women who were determinedly het, sometimes for decades, often with the privilege and arrogance that that means. Unless they examine and change their lesbophobic and Lesbian-hating attitudes and politics, they undermine and destroy our communities.

The reason we wrote our book was to explain the internal factors among Lesbians and feminists that keep us from fully allying and fighting patriarchy. Recognizing female-hating and Lesbian-hating – which means recognizing all the ways that women who are more allied with, identified with, and committed to patriarchal standards betray Lesbians and women who have rejected those male rules – is the only way we can have truly loving, diverse and egalitarian Lesbians communities. This is in addition to fighting other oppressions among us, such as racism, classism, anti-Semitism, ableism, ageism, fat oppression, etc. Other feminists have written about these issues. Almost no one has named the oppression of Butches, Lifelong Lesbians, and Never-het Lesbians in Lesbian communities as well as in patriarchy. If anything, growing up as a lone Lesbian or Butch, feeling like you never belonged, being ostracized and put down by other girls, family, neighborhoods, schools, etc. is said to be “lucky” or a “privilege.” Even though oppressed by the dominant culture, other people who are treated as inferior or who are marginalized usually at least have their families, neighborhoods, and communities where they experience belonging. Most young Butches grow up completely alone, with no one around them reflecting them or supporting them.

Lesbians who betray other Lesbians on behalf of patriarchy, to make themselves more comfortable, do end up hurting themselves as well. But they still benefit from the power they wield over other Lesbians, sometimes including their own daughters.

I experienced another example of common anti-Lesbian attitudes recently at a Lesbian party in a town known for being right wing and mainstream. A Lesbian I was talking with said that she felt different from the others at the party. Since common introductions at some of these events consist of: “What do you do?” (career talk), “My children…,” “My grandchildren…,” I was very curious how she was different. But then she said, “I’m more suburban, I don’t like the word Lesbian, and I want to be more normal.” She looked almost startled for a moment when she realized what she’d said. She’s not the only one to feel like that. Self-hatred is sad enough, but it’s worse when it affects other Lesbians as well.

Femininity Is a Choice

I want to talk about how assimilating into men’s rules for how girls and women “should” look hurts Butches, but I also don’t want to upset my friends who do choose to look male-defined feminine. There are many compromises that we all make. I have a Dyke Separatist friend in her twenties who said, “I have to look like this — gesturing to her long, styled hair and feminine clothing — if I want a lover.” It’s not true, but any increase in privilege does give an increase in options. If it’s that difficult for someone who’s prime age, how much harder is it for old Lesbians who are being subjected to ageism, including disapproval and ostracism?

Looking extremely feminine improves Lesbians’ and women’s career options. Some women singer/songwriter/musicians know that being respected, with their skill and talent recognized and appreciated, is greatly influenced by how they look. They are expected to look “beautiful” by feminine standards. I don’t criticize them or any woman for this, but I just want to stir awareness for women to support women who will not or cannot fit male dictates for what a woman is supposed to look like.

I don’t mean to make anyone who chooses to look feminine feel bad. But there is no way to talk about the increase in butchphobia and Butch-hatred without talking about enforcement of male-created femininity. We can’t stop societal and male hatred of us, but women can stop policing girls and other women to obey male rules. And when feminine-looking women object to and talk about Butch oppression, it’s taken more seriously. So they can be excellent allies.

Lesbian oppression (for being Lesbians) hits Butches much harder. That is part of why we all need to be aware of it and acknowledge it. Far too many Butches (particularly those who are also oppressed by classism and racism) have already died far too young. Being hated and scapegoated, in mainstream patriarchy, among feminists, and even among our own Lesbian people takes a severe toll.

If all Lesbians made sure they were visibly Lesbians, that would dramatically change things for us – as opposed to most now passing. When the subject comes up, most Lesbians profess to not understanding at all what it means to be Butch or Fem, other than extreme caricatures. Yet, each woman does daily make a conscious decision about how she will look in the world. There is even a distinct look that some Fems choose, which seems to be a kind of uniform or signal identifying them as Lesbians but which is still clearly Fem and not any way that a Butch would choose to look.

For those who don’t feel safe being out, do try to help fight Lesbian-hating and Butch-hating when you can. For women choosing femininity, do think about why you make that choice. Is it out of fear of harassment? Is it to look “attractive?” For Fems attracted to Butches, you clearly find that look attractive, so why not choose it for yourself? If your reaction is about wanting to look like a “real woman,” and you recoil at the thought of looking like a Dyke, please explore and change your bias. There should be groups for Unlearning Butch-hatred and Unlearning Lesbian-hatred as there are about other issues that divide us. Since some non-Lesbians and het women are also working to fight male-identified femininity inside and outside of themselves, I want to acknowledge these women as WFF – Women Fighting Feminization – which reflects that it is a continual and essential process for fighting patriarchy. (An example is Megan Mackin, a non-Lesbian, who, in an effort to be supportive to Butches, explored the issue of rejecting femininity at her blog.)

“Why don’t Lesbians just stop separating and identifying as different groups? That’s divisive.  I don’t even know what a Butch is anyway.”

Well, I guess that’s because you aren’t one and don’t notice how we’re being treated. (Most Butches do understand and know who they are, even those in denial.) We wouldn’t need to identify separately if we weren’t made to feel like we don’t belong — if we weren’t being treated as different, other, inferior (including in lover relationships). Typically, in patriarchy, the most privileged, especially if they are a majority, dominate. They either drive out those they oppress or they bully and insult. Their dominant position is too often taken for granted. Many Fems, particularly those who identify as “radical feminists” and claim to not be Fem, question why the existence of Butches is even mentioned. This is exactly how most het feminists treat Lesbians.

Butches are like a barometer of Lesbian oppression – the more that Butches are maligned, the worse it is for all Lesbians. So it’s in all Lesbians’ interest to support Butches. But for the lesbophobic, we completely upset their het-identified world of “normal” Lesbians. The same thing also often happens when ex-het Lesbians are dominating a conversation with assumptions that we all have been het, and make jokes about “virgins.” Do we object and say we exist, or do we not put ourselves through the inevitable harassment and attempts to humiliate? It is all about the most privileged Lesbians’ experiences and lives being the most recognized and valued. It’s the classic situation that happens with other issues of privilege and oppression, except that those with otherwise good and even radical politics, too often revert to being right wing when it comes to specifically Lesbian oppressions.

For those who just can’t handle their lesbophobic emotions about the existence of Butches, do you really mean to be asking “How dare you exist and how dare you make those of us looking down on you uncomfortable?” Do we not have the right to say we exist and to discuss how and why we are treated differently from other Lesbians and other women?

How Butches are treated in patriarchy and in our Lesbian communities is a more severe form of how Lesbians as a group are treated. When the existence of Butches is denied or we are treated as freaks, then love and acceptance of Lesbians as a people is missing. Butches are the most obvious, the most out of Lesbians. We are feared and hated. We are ridiculed and scapegoated. We are even said not to exist. That is how Lesbians as a group are treated by Lesbian-hating hets, and that lesbophobia and Lesbian-hating are brought into our communities from ex-het Fems, who are the majority and so dominate.

The fear and hatred is damaging enough, but having our existence denied is much worse.

Whenever a Lesbian says she doesn’t understand why anyone identifies as Butch, that’s because she’s not Butch and it doesn’t affect her. She’s not hurt for being Butch or she would understand. It’s similar to het women not understanding the importance of Lesbians identifying as Lesbians. (Although there is a difference, because het women could choose to be Lesbians. Being Butch is also a choice, but one made in childhood.) We need to define ourselves because we are not represented in the dominant culture or even in the Lesbian media. We are rarely, if ever, represented in media images of Lesbians or we’re presented as a horrible stereotype or a joke. Sometimes we’re commented on as a prurient interest of Fems who objectify us.

We are treated as Butch whether we want to be or not. Those who profess to not understand what this issue is about, do treat Butches differently. It’s like those who profess to be unaware of class or classism, claiming to be “class-free” while being classist.  That’s a privileged option for those in the power position because they are not the ones being treated as inferior, which happens to the class-oppressed whether we identify or not – and the oppressiveness is still there because people do know, whether they are conscious of it or not. Those of us who are aware of these issues can see it clearly even in personal and written interactions.

Those who deny the existence of class or of Lesbian or Butch oppression are more likely to use their privilege to control, intimidate, and hurt others. Those who dominate always insist there is no oppression. This is what men do to women in denying that sexism and patriarchy exist.

I often wonder what Lesbians who deny the existence of Butches think when they hear men and het women and the media joke about us. Do they cringe and then vow to be more obedient to male rules so no het would ever take them for such a despised creature?  In spite of Butches being a joke in the mainstream and even Lesbian media, there is so much pressure to feminize girls and women that they rarely show a real Butch. When a “Butch” is shown, it’s a feminine woman who is a bit less made up and less drag queen-looking, but who is still clearly not Butch. Even the “L Word” television series had not one Butch. The long-running cartoon series “Dykes to Watch Out For” never showed a Butch once, but did show a boy pissing on a Lesbian and semen dripping from a condom. That was amazing to me about how threatening Butches are, for these supposedly diverse representations of Lesbian community included so many characters over years and still did not show a single Butch. (Many Lesbians thought the sado-masochistic, non-monogamous, trannie-supporting character with a crewcut, Lois, was a Butch, but her look and behavior was the opposite of Butch and very much the image of a genderqueer “boi” Fem.)  Male money and a television network was behind “The L Word,” but the comic book series was done by one Lesbian. Both influenced our cultures and our lives.

Again, why are Butches so threatening that the mainstream media and Lesbian media refuse to even show us?

The horror of being called Butch is used to terrorize girls and women into being even more artificial and male-identified feminine to escape such an insult. Most women want to placate their oppressors, who, after all, ARE dangerous. Women then police girls and other women on behalf of men. (Very important to not anger Daddy.) Women who are the most threatening to men are the most policed. This can be subtle – with constant suggestions about “improving appearance,” which just happen to fit in more with male standards – or less subtle, like open ridicule of Butches.

Identifying as Butch can bring up self-hatred since “Butch” is a term so used against us with contempt, but it can also give us pride and a way to share support and culture with others. I believe that identifying who we are gives us a means and language to connect with others and defend against bad treatment.

For those who are not defensive, and who love women and Lesbians enough to care, it is easy to learn about who Butches are. I have friends who can immediately recognize Butches. Many can do it from just seeing a photograph or hearing a voice. As a Fem friend said, “Just look around. Butch oppression is obvious.” There is a Butch look that is instantly recognizable. I have seen that same exact look among Maori, Thai, Bangladeshi, Indian, Iranian, Israeli, Chinese, Filipina, Native American, Mexican, Serbian, English, French, German, US (from so many backgrounds and races) Butches.

Butch Myths and Objectifications

I believe that Butches are closer to what all females would be without patriarchy.

But the common myth about Butches is that Butches are “male” or “masculine.” Refusing to follow male rules does not make someone “masculine,” but the opposite of masculine. Butches are the least male of women because we refuse to obey men. Just because men have declared that the more comfortable, better made, and less humiliating clothing is just for them, does not make it male.

Feminists have always known that it is an insult, not a compliment, to be called “male” or “masculine.” But now too many women eagerly embrace that insult or they caricaturize themselves in order to escape it.

Standing in a natural grounded way also does not make a woman male. Women are told from girlhood to look uncentered to not appear masculine, which is part of why wearing high heels is required. (If men like how they look, they should wear them!  It’s horrifying to see the comeback they’ve made, including in singing TV contests where women are at an extreme disadvantage compared to men.) Notice the vast difference in images used to denote female versus male. Many public restrooms signs show men taking up space with a wide stance, while the “women’s” sign is like a one-legged top in a dress. Humiliating and demeaning. Every media silhouette I have seen depicting female versus male shows a dignified strong male image and a weak, flimsy female image. None of this propaganda is innate, natural, or normal, but it affects us from girlhood about how to look “properly,” though unnaturally, female.

In some cultures women aren’t allowed to drive. When a few brave women risk torture and imprisonment by driving, do we call them male or masculine?

Lesbians may claim to not be “butch-phobic,” but their Butch-hating can show itself in cruel ways, such as obsessing about physical characteristics, which reveals they believe Butches are aberrations with hormonal imbalances. One Lesbian, who had literally run away from a workshop I and my ex-lover did about equal lover relationships and Butch oppression, actually asked, “Why are Butches slim-hipped if it’s not a hormonal problem?” This reminded me of a doctor and an alternative healer who had both said I must have a hormonal imbalance when I said I was a Lesbian. This “Radical Lesbian Feminist” had just been at a large gathering with several Butches who were out as Butch, and who were anything but “slim-hipped.” She also must not have noticed the large-breasted Butches (and neither do the Lesbians who say such Butches “look like men” — unless men now have large breasts.) Since Butches are less obedient about following male dictates, we are more likely to be bigger and fatter than Fems, many of who starve themselves into being skinny. (This is not a criticism of naturally thin women, but of those who deliberately deprive themselves of adequate nutrition to fit feminine standards.) Of course there are thin Butches, but there are less of them than thin Fems and less than thin het women. I have never heard anyone speculate about inadequate female hormones when commenting on malnourished, bony models. This same “radical feminist” called a Butch friend “a prick” in an argument. Her Butch-hatred reeks of Lesbian-hatred.

Then there are the many Fems who do recognize the existence of Butches, but objectify us with a similar sense of ownership towards us that men have towards women – as if we somehow belong to them. If we say that we are more attracted to Butches or are not attracted to Fems, we are told that we can’t possibly mean that, or we just haven’t found the right Fem yet. It’s the same kind of patronizing amusement men have towards Lesbians. I’ve actually been told that two Butches together are missing out. (On what? Inequality? I never did find out.) It’s just what men say about two women together. These predatory Fems never even bother to ask about how our experiences with Fem lovers we’ve had over the decades led us to prefer being with Butches. Then there are Lesbians who are so freaked out by the idea of Butches loving each other that they announce that we couldn’t possibly be real Butches.

Now it’s true that many Butches are so self-hating that they worship Extreme Fems beyond what would make an equal relationship. Butches aren’t unique in this. Other oppressed people often value those who appear more like their oppressor or who try to assimilate. I see most Fems where I live also more interested in Extreme Fems than in Lesbians who look like Dykes, whether Fem or Butch. It feels like the patriarchal media has won out, after all these years of bombarding us with male-defined “beauty.” It’s not just that many/most Lesbians want to be lovers with women who look like movie stars – they want to be seen to be lovers with women who look like movie stars.  In my old community, these extremely feminine women would have been looked at warily, as if they might not be truly Lesbians. This isn’t being unfair – women who do follow male rules of how we are supposed to look are more likely to have been het and to go back to men.

Women, like other colonized people, have been given a caricatured, fetishized representation of how we are not only supposed to dress, but move, gesture, talk, laugh, think, etc. Most women learn unnatural patterns of behaving while being little girls when they are punished for acting naturally and rewarded when obeying male rules.

What is heart-breaking is how much self-hatred there is among Butches. Some have  been encouraged by their Extreme Fem lovers to believe and say that Butches have “male privilege” — which of course is never true. When I’ve challenged some Lesbians about how that could possibly be, they describe something I’ve never witnessed, such as that Butches are deferred to in conversations. Butches are never treated as men. Butches are treated as the most abnormal, queerest of Lesbians. Fems usually can make more money, have more status in the world and with family and friends (as “real” women), and are more likely to own houses as a result of having had husbands, and sometimes families who gave them money. (Butches are more likely to be disowned, and more Butches are class-oppressed.)

Then there is the lesbophobic myth that identifying as Butch means we role-play. Yet Lesbians can be outrageously Fem and not be accused of role-playing

I have NEVER played roles. Daring to discuss differences does not mean we play roles. Identifying as Butch does not mean playing roles — it means identifying as a marginalized, oppressed, invisiblized minority in Lesbian communities. We get it in the het world for being the most out, obvious Lesbians, and we get it in our own communities.

It doesn’t help that almost the only thing written about us in books is by Fems and bisexual women who further the stereotypes against Butches. What I have seen in decades of being out as Butch is that it’s Fems who have pushed Butches into role-playing, partly because it makes them feel less overtly Lesbian. Sado-masochism, including using dildos, is part of that. Dildos are absolutely mainstream among non-feminist Fems, as is sado-masochism. (The third Butch-hating comment I heard in that one week was by a Fem who was planning a “sex” workshop. She said that she’d have to keep an eye on all of her dildos to stop the Butches from stealing them. Why would any Butch want an ugly dildo? At another event, a Fem threw her large collection of dildos out into the Lesbian audience.)

At a Butch Voices conference dinner, I brought up how upset I was that a workshop organizer assumed all Butches used dildos, calling it “Butch cock.” I asked how many of us have been sexually assaulted by pricks and all that they represent, comparing dildos to sado-masochist use of right wing paraphernalia in scenes. An Extreme Fem bisexual patronizingly lectured me about how much better sex was using objects. I answered that something is seriously wrong if a Lesbian prefers silicone in the shape of a prick over the feel of her lover’s hands and body, and why would someone want to use a prick-shaped object on her lover, instead of feeling her? No way was this het-looking woman in full make-up going to bully me into believing the incredible loving, wild, and passionate love-making I have shared with lovers would be improved with ugly objects. She finally resorted to telling me that it probably was too late to change at my age – an ageist version of the usual sado-masochist taunt implying I was a prude or had never heard of dildos before. I’d been saying no to ugly dildos since first being told about them when I was 14.

I have heard Butches say they hate the idea of dildos, but have been pressured to use them on ex-het Fem lovers – for obvious reasons. I wonder how many of those women are then fantasizing about being with a man, because of their Lesbian-hatred. By using objects, they can disconnect, as opposed to feeling and being felt by another woman’s body, which is a continual reminder that they are Lesbians and are doing things that can still be punished by death in some countries.

A horrific aspect of role-playing that I recently heard about is the so-called “Stone Fem,” who will only be lovers with a Stone Butch. I’ve believed that the Stone Butch is an Extreme Fem creation since I have never known of a Butch who willingly, happily said she never wanted to be made love to. What I have heard is Butches talking painfully about Fem “lovers” who refused to make love to them or who refused to make love to them with equal passion, attention, time, and love. Once you fall in love with  a woman, it can be very hard to acknowledge, even to yourself, that she doesn’t love you as much as you love her. (I believe the “Lesbian Bed Death” myth is usually about the Fem or both Fems – the majority of Lesbian relationships are two Fems together – stopping wanting to make love. Butches are much less likely to stop.)

I believe some Butches, and particularly those without support, do sometimes end up as Stone Butches because it can feel less painful to take on that identity than to continually face inequality in love and love-making. After years of bad treatment, some just stop hoping for real love and shut down. It’s a travesty that some Fems have turned such a traumatic, painful aspect of Butch oppression into a fetish. I can’t imagine how some Fems can justify identifying as “Stone Fems.” It’s like declaring, “I really am an incredibly selfish, misogynist, Lesbian-hating, and Butch-hating person and I’m proud of it. I just want to be the complete center of love, attention, and pleasure, and I want to make my lover feel alone, unloved, and worthless. Aren’t I wonderful?” It reeks of role-playing and sado-masochism.

Identity Appropriation Is Not the Sincerest Form of Flattery

Another part of the objectification of Butches is when Fems claim to be Butches.

It’s not uncommon for Radical Lesbian Feminists who are threatened by the mention of Butch existence to claim that they were never feminine girls. (Many het women film actors in their biographies claim that they were ‘real tomboys,” even though their girlhood photos could not look more feminine.) In spite of these Fems’ attempts to prevent Butch oppression from being discussed and our identity erased, there seems to be a deep awareness that Butches fought patriarchy from the beginning on some levels, and so they envy Butches, but without wanting to pay the price that Butches pay. It’s very unfair for the same women who as girls taunted and ridiculed little Butch girls (do they think we don’t remember?) to now claim our identity, even while some of them still look extremely feminine and would never be taken to be a Lesbian. Others decide to be authorities of what it means to be Butch and even write incredibly Butch-hating propaganda. (An example is Carolyn Gage’s “The Lesbian Butch: Hope of the Planet from Supplemental Sermons for a Lesbian Revival Tent.” Val M. and I co-wrote a response, which is at both of our blogs: “Please Stop Butch-hatred: Critique of the Lesbian Butch: Hope of the Planet by Carolyn Gage.”)

It’s become standard in Lesbian communities that no one is allowed to question anyone’s self-identity, no matter how bizarre. So there is no way any Butch can object to an extremely feminine woman (by any standards – long hair in a feminine style with stereotypical swishy mannerisms and speech patterns and wearing a dress) being in Butch groups. Appropriating our identity is one thing, but it’s even more harmful when Fems get into power positions in Butch organizations and control and influence the direction of the group into Butch-hating politics. One national Butch organization has at least two Fems on the boards, and I can’t help but think it’s not a coincidence that they encourage men claiming Butch identity to give workshops at their conferences, while refusing to allow even one workshop by and for female-identified Butches.

Some Fems even manage to force real Butches out of Butch groups. I was in such a “Butch” group for a year (our goal was to organize ongoing female-identified Butch groups), with one member who had long hair in a feminine style, wore lots of jewelry, constantly mentioned her children (Butch mothers aren’t common and they also don’t refer to being mothers so frequently in political groups), body language and gestures that were more like drag queen stereotypes. It didn’t help that the Fem identified as a “Leather top” (what I call a “Sadist”) and she brought a bull whip to every meeting — I believe partly to try to intimidate me. (She just looked silly while brandishing her whip, but I didn’t appreciate the bullying.) Half the original group quit or were kicked out, until I was left with the Fem and her Butch ally. I was soon also kicked out, leaving a “Butch” group planning a larger ongoing Butch meeting led by one Butch and one Fem.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that most of the women claiming to be Butch who use male pronouns for themselves are what I consider to be Fem. A number of Fems and even het/bisexual women have claimed to be Butch and later claim to be F2Ts, which leads many people to think that the majority of these women are/were Butch. In Loren Cameron’s book, “Body Alchemy,” all the “before” photos show adult feminine women who “transitioned” to male. Many of these women (like Loren herself and Pat Califia) later claim to be gay men because they return to being with men. I call them het or bisexual women – a “trans” version of fag hags. Some Butches became het when they were isolated and pressured, before finding other Lesbians. I have never known a Butch in a Lesbian community to go het.

Many of these women even sound and look more like stereotypical gay men, because their mannerisms and speaking style reflect how influenced they’ve been by gay men.

But the worst appropriation is the travesty that happened at the Butch Voices conference in 2012, where no female-identified Butch workshops were allowed, but where there were two workshops by men claiming to be Butch. One of the men said he had been raised by Lesbian Feminists. The men looked nothing like women and even less like Butches. Like F2Ts, these M2Ts, had mannerisms and voice patterns closer to gay men. They had no shame about appropriating our identity and rare space. I really feel that if they could kill real Butches and take our skin, they would. But, like with all men masquerading as Lesbians, they can never have what they most want – they can never have consensual sexual access and passion with a Lesbian, because any woman who would be intimate with them would no longer be a Lesbian.

Guest Post by Pippa Fleming

I’ve been holding silence for quite some time but now it’s time for me to speak.

When a Black child presents with signs of internalized racism, we want to protect them. We want them to know they are perfect as they are and loved for exactly who they are. If we are conscience Black folks, we try to infuse our young people with the knowledge, skills, wisdom and support necessary, so they may survive and thrive in this racist society.

If little Lakesha comes home with “mommy I hate being Black and I want to be white” we are shocked, dismayed and sadden by her self loathing and rush to find the source of her oppression. Is it school, the media, her peers, society or all of the above?

So why when little butch Lakesha comes home with “I hate my body and I want to be a boy” is she encouraged to take on male identity or the subject matter is avoided all together and she is left to flounder in a sea of gender conforming beliefs that lead to dysphoria and a life lived in the shadows?

From the moment a female child presents as butch she is loathed, feared and rendered invisible by her peers and elders alike. Why are we not outraged by butch oppression and willing to explore gender oppression like we look at race or class oppression? Why is it seen as status quo for young butch girls to hate their bodies the goddess blessed them with? Why are we ushering our baby butches towards male identity rather than exploring the causes of this type of self hatred?

We are quick to say that a Black person is suffering internally if they want to bleach their skin white or have plastic surgery to look more european… but if a child wants to cut their breasts off and get rid of their vagina this is acceptable! In turn, if I question this as a butch female, I am seen as transphobic.

 I am a gender non conforming female butch, who uses the men’s bathroom, is perceived as a man everyday I walk out my door and rendered invisible by society. Instead of expanding the boundaries of female identity to include all of it’s nuances, we have fallen desperate prey to that 1% we claim to despise!

To be Black, female and butch is to be a warrior, let us pray that more of us have the courage to love ourselves wholly and be outspoken mentors to young butches struggling not to conform to the impossible.

 And ain’t I a woman!

January 7, 2012

I had never seen anything like this before…
Her eyes slide to the side as passion moves her,
Our hearts beating in synch, our breathing matched.
I do know what to do. I always have.
How slow to go, where to be,
Knowing I bask in the safety of how much she needs me.
I give her everything she asks for –
she does not need to speak –
Her eyes tell me, drawing me inside,
pupils opening wide, wider,
Black replacing color, like entering a cave, moist and inviting.
This will never be boring, but always exciting.
Is the roar if hear, I feel, from our blood pulsating,
Or ocean waves soaring?

 January, 2012

TRANSCENDENT MEDITATION

So much talk of being in the Here and Now –
Some spend years trying to learn how
to be deeply in the moment,
But I know it now –
You’ve taught me the way a religious experience ought to be –
Transcendent with no meditation necessary.

Oh I love that moment where I lose it –
And can find no track of time.
No longer watching, thinking, wandering
Through the convolutions of my mind.
My, for once, just here and nowhere else
Because you captivate me,
Capturing my full attention,
Sliding into those eyes, pulling me into your core.
Feeling you grasp me so tightly I can’t catch my breath.
You leave me breathless.
This is beyond wild.
Taste of your lips, scent of your breath.
So glad I can smell you with no false odors between us,
Your natural pure aroma intoxicating.

All that money I could have spent trying to be in the now.
Not hard to stay on track if I start to wander –
you bring me right back.
I don’t need to look to see where I am going.
I could do this in the darkness,
But I love to see your eyes,
Every feeling reflected,
As you ask me to share it, again, again, again,
Will there be no end?
I feel you changing.
So much liquid with water signs.
Feeling so much brings no fear
But is freeing to feel more, and more.
Softness turns to tension and you are so close,
and come nearer, nearer,
“Share it with me,” you say,
And I do, I do,
over and over and over, again and again…
As the waves of wildness subside,
I don’t have to fear that my mind will finally wander
because we return to where we’ve been
and start again.
This kind of night I waited for all my life,
I worry we could ignite if it wasn’t so moist in here,
You can barely speak, but whisper
“Oh, do not stop,” making it clear that

I am truly in the here and now.

February, 2012

THE HAUNTING –

FOOL MOON IN SCORPIO, MONTH OF TAURUS

Thirteen years ago, this month, this May,
I was dazzled by a promise of love so sweet,
I didn’t notice I had lost my way.

I was bought and sold a pile of goods,
A passel of lies.
Fought over and won, I was the prize,
But what a surprise awaited me.
Oh, tricked so deep,
I didn’t even care if I came out alive.

The deeper I went, the freer I felt,
So far, far away, so far from me.
I felt I was coming home as the circle closed,
Coming back to the beginning.
Lost in eyes with limitless depths,
the wriggling pile of lies
Centered me, distracting me from grief.

My mother warned,
“They want something from you.
Don’t go there alone – they might eat you!”
How right she was –
Oh yes, that one almost ate her too,
Sucked her right in, but what a glow –
We basked for a while,
Not feeling the cold behind the fire,
Not realizing the cord to the light
Came from our own warm hearts
and my own desire.       

We provided the juice for the Empty One –
so empty inside underneath her shimmering lies,
Behind the stories, the entertainment,
The dreams, she gave me dreams
While stealing my heart, tearing me apart.
Oh, I didn’t care as I swam in her juices,
Tossed in her waves, melting,
Almost lost in her cave,
The steady dripping, dripping, filling up
Until I could scarcely breathe –
Breathless, she had me breathless.
Her eyes led me back, tracing my way,
Following the strands of lies from Ireland to England,
Thoughts of Yorkshire permeating us both
Until I was so very far from home.
Oh I did roam so far from home,
Though she had named her very body my home.

So cold and dark, in summer,
it was on that mountain in Ireland.
I remember the night of endless stars,
Newly in love, in ecstasy,
Why so much sorrow, so much grief?
Why could I not see that she did not
Seem truly alive, for all her performances,
her drama, her tragedies?

I’d seen her change before my eyes,
Face growing different, hard,
and oh so cold, frozen in cruelty.
Her sweet voice which had once captivated me,
now transformed harshly, accusing,
Eyes blank and dull, which had
Glowed a few moments before.
Where did she go?
Only the mask had fallen,
The stolen joy gone,
This cold thing was her,
Underneath the bright shiny lies,
This sullen cold thing was my love.
Too late to back out now,
Away from the immoveable object.        

I swear I will make this work.
By the force of my will,
with all of my strength,
and the power of my love,
I swear I WILL make this work.

Surely her lover for me was real?
She had given up so much for our love.
She proved it time and again,
While draining my life force away.

I wondered if we would die there
By the hand of her ghost.
That hand that I felt on my shoulder,
Shuddering as I struggled to sleep.
Was it a threat, a warning, a comfort?
Poor ghost, having witnessed her madness
all those years before.
And now I am left so many ghosts,
so very many little ghosts to remember.

Oh what desperation made me bring
The vampire home?
Why did I bring the tantruming vampire home?
Into my heart, into my life, Into my room, into my home,
into my bed?  Into my bed…
So I could never think again,
Never be alone, to remember,
To know, to think what was missing,
What was lost.

She left her scent on my mind,
Her passion on my skin,
Her stories on my wall.
She left her pain on my heart
And I didn’t want her to go.
She clung to me so,
And I promised to never let her go.

Extrication came with fire,
Such burning and pain,
Pushed so hard and reeled back again,
Years of this game.
Punished for my crime of refusing
To join in her lies,
She denied our decade together,
our very love.
Yet for all she took,
she did not steal every drop of my blood,
and she did not steal my soul.
She wanted me dead,
Yet I remain.

So now, 13 years later,
This spring, this May,
She no longer stalks me.
I am free, so free.
Surrounded by green and water falling,
Rushing and roaring, the sacred trees.
I can see it all clearly now
Like the sky washed clean by the rain,

And I am free.

May, 2011

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I have glimpses of what used to be,
My life from before, or what is coming,
Swiftly, sharply seen brightness,
like sunlight glancing off water running.
So clear and sure it comes to me,
The knowing like when everything slips right into place,
all as it should be.

The love of my life came to me more than once,
twice, thrice, countless times,
Each better, deeper, wilder.
I feel it like new green growth bursting from the earth,
magic flowing,

But this time I may say no.

I do not have to rush, leap headlong into the abyss.
If love is true, I can take my time.
If love is real, it will not miss.
We can take a slower dance,
while I learn the rhythm of your heart
and the truth of your mind.
Not one thing left to chance,
Until I know no lie lurks inside,

And our hearts open like the first time.

QUARTET OF NEW LIFE

I

Tiny jewels of beings just born,
Golden orbs, cuddling, huddling together.
Holding each other so tightly,
While a few brave ones start their journey, helping the rest,
So sure and capable, though just hatched.

Humans hate you, but I love you
For the treasures you are — tiny beautiful perfect

Spiderlings.

II

Old growth primordial forest,
Tallest trees in the world,
Ancient deep green, roaring creek, radiant flowers,
glowing ferns everywhere, and there,
easily missed amongst the height of the trees,

I see them,
Looking right at me,
Hissing, cuddling together,
Rare, endangered babies,

Spotted Owls.

III

Oh these tiny creatures,
Soft beyond belief,
Full of life, and oh so open to love.
Exquisite little hands hold me,
While sweet eyes look into mine,
Tiny tongue covers my lips with kisses,
Such kindness, wisdom, and capacity for self-sacrifice.

Why would any fool fear or hate you,
Or despise your innocent little tails?
I know squirrel love
but these perfect beings,
I have bonded with –

Baby rats.

IV

I almost step on her in the shadowed light.
Exquisite colors and patterns so bright.
Darting sweet black tongue –
Such a frightened little one.

Does she know that with one strike of her tiny mouth,
she could kill anyone
who dares threaten her?

Baby rattlesnake

GHOSTS

fog of loneliness flows along the growing chill
of the night air.
Halloween time again and I hope for ghosts.
So many ghosts I long to see, to feel, to hear,
To be with again.
If they visit, I do not know of them.
But other shadows come instead in this darkness.
It is an interesting evening.

First, the magnificence of such a fancy person,
With her long fluffy tail and her exquisite
Black and white patterns.
My gentle skunk friend visits every night and
I can almost touch her.

Then the other shadows come, shyly at first,
Hesitant, but so curious, growing bolder.
Such beauty in this night,
Little ghostly forms like small pale bears.
Six spectors.
I greet them and feel the softness of their
Tender leathery hands holding my hands.
I love their intense earnest faces.
No tricks from these clever
masked brave bandits.
Just pure treat in their little hands so sweet,
And wise gleaming dark eyes that hold mine.

January, 2012

 in the Radical Feminist Movement

Bev Jo

One of the saddest things to me has been the altering and re-writing of the history our magnificent Radical Feminist and Lesbian Feminist movement of the Seventies. Entirely new words have been made up to describe and criticize the politics of that time. I want to ask all Radical Feminists to question everything they have been told, including which ideas and politics they are told “did not work” or were “bad.” Please don’t accept bizarre terms and names for us and our politics that we did not define ourselves.

Those of us who have been around a while know that those opposed to Radical Feminism and Lesbian Feminism make up names to insult and belittle us. “Cis” and “cis-gender” is one example of men simply calling us names. Please don’t accept their definition of us. Please don’t let someone outside of our movement limit us, re-categorize us, and define us out of existence.

Another term that is about re-writing our history in a way to influence our movement now is ”intersectionality.” Now what the hell does that mean, really, and who made it up?  It was NOT part of any Radical Feminist discussion I have ever heard about or read until recently. Did I blink to have missed this? Please question any academic or bizarre term that is not immediately obvious, and assume it is a  reactionary attempt to liberalize or destroy Radical Feminism. And please don’t add to the power of a questionable word by using it, as if it is valid. Whatever is being discussed, there is always a word version that everyone can understand. The quickest way to destroy Radical Feminism is by making it an elitist movement for only the select few.

Yes, there was a complaint in the early Seventies against recognizing and ending racism, anti-Semitism, classism, ageism, ableism and more among us. It was quickly recognized as being a reactionary, right wing style of politics by the privileged (which you can see a variation of in the male right wing still), and was never a part of true Feminism or Radical Feminism.I have been part of the early truly Radical Feminist movement since I was a teenager, in 1970. I was not remotely interested in the pretend “feminism” of the privileged since they did not represent me at all. And they were boring. I was immediately drawn to and identified with the real Radical Feminist Women’s Liberation Movement, however. I read everything I could, much of which is far more radical than much of what I see now being written. I soon joined collectives and began writing articles, working on perhaps the first Lesbian Feminist conference in the world in Berkeley in 1972, published “Dykes and Gorgons,” one of the first Dyke Separatist newspapers in 1973, taught self defense classes for girls and women, etc. I never left our movement/community/culture. I never stopped.

I’ve known from the Eighties that our beloved Radical Feminist movement was being diluted and sold out in a number of ways. I blame the influence of academia and the influx of the combination of sado-masochism, porn, “fun fem” politics, and the genderqueer/GBT movement into our communities.

It wasn’t until I went online that I found out about a whole elitist “feminist”….(I don’t know what word to use — it isn’t a movement, it isn’t a community, it isn’t a culture — it feels like an in-crowd pretending to be radical) something…. that uses in-groupy terms I have never heard before, and so limits who is welcome and who can participate. Any women who comes across this group recognizes immediately that she can join only in an inferior position unless she is one of the rare few where her privilege gets her into a high position. An exclusionary movement is by its nature anti-Feminist. This new “feminism” pretends to be the modern, most evolved version of feminism, but is actually a return to the days before Feminism became real and powerful. Instead of being a new stronger feminism, it is more like the groups of very class and race privileged women who discussed how much of a better deal they could get from men, while still worshipping men and denying the existence of more oppressed women, including those who say no to men. (I’m talking of the media Feminism that was threatened by the “Lavender Menace” or any real radicalism.)

This reactionary politics is extremely destructive and narrowing and segregating of our once enormous, all-embracing Radical Feminist and Lesbian Feminist Women’s Liberation Movement.

So where did the term “intersectionality” come from and why is it being used against us?

Wikipedia says:

Intersectionality is a feminist sociological theory first highlighted by Kimberlé Crenshaw (1989). Intersectionality is a methodology of studying “the relationships among multiple dimensions and modalities of social relationships and subject formations” (McCall 2005). The theory suggests—and seeks to examine how—various socially and culturally constructed categories such as gender, race, class, disability, and other axes of identity interact on multiple and often simultaneous levels, contributing to systematic social inequality. Intersectionality holds that the classical conceptualizations of oppression within society, such as racism, sexism, homophobia, and religion-based bigotry, do not act independently of one another; instead, these forms of oppression interrelate, creating a system of oppression that reflects the “intersection” of multiple forms of discrimination.

Decades after grassroots Radical Feminism recognized that injustice and inequality from patriarchy still exist among us, even when we are women living as separate from males as possible, this bizarre sociological analysis and term was developed, using the exact kind of language that continues those hierarchies.

The first part of fighting injustice is to refuse to accept the names that those who are trying to hurt you use against you.

“Intersectionality” is an academic term. That would explain why the elitist “101″ is sometimes added to it to explain it. “101″ is used to designate a college or university beginning class. Anyone without the privilege/money to go to college or university might not know this, so they are automatically made to feel that they don’t belong, and are discounted and disqualified from the discussion. Segregation begins, because classism is intrinsic to much of racism. Patriarchy thrives on in-groups, with most on the outside. Radical Feminists should NEVER do that to other Radical Feminists. It is not radical to make anyone feel they are not part of the ingroup, It is not radical to HAVE an ingroup.

Now anyone with half a brain, who is not invested in feeling superior to other women, will know that “higher” education gives you skills and privilege, but certainly does not make you smarter. In fact, the self-educated women I know are far smarter than most of the professors I know. However, once someone becomes deeply entrenched in a patriarchal system, they usually identify with it and then defend it. (Notice how doctors rarely break ranks even when their acquiesing means people die?) For one thing, if you want to write well — clear, direct, honest, accessible, and intelligently — you do not write in an academic style. It is elitist and limits your audience, including those whose first language is other than the language you are writing in, which is not good for any political movement. It is also much harder to con and manipulate your audience if your writing is direct. Anyone who has learned the academic style of writing has to unlearn it to not be boring and to sound coherent. But most academics deliberately use it to prove superiority.

Yes, there are a very few excellent Radical Feminist writers who are academics. Generally, they are from class-oppressed backgrounds and had to sense to never learn (or had the sense to later unlearn) convoluted patriarchal academic writing styles. I am not criticizing any woman who has gotten a good academic job. I am criticizing those who are using that privilege to alienate and isolate other women in order to have an elitist, segregated, intrinsically anti-feminist “feminism” that is more like a country club than a political movement or community.

If those elitist standards were in place in the early day of Radical Feminism, there would have been no Radical Feminism because most of our best, clearest thinkers and writers were class-oppressed and often race-oppressed, and most were Lesbians.

Suspicion of upper and middle class culture and their ties to patriarchal culture were intrinsic to early Radical Feminism. Everything we were taught that was absolute truth in patriarchy was treated with suspicion. Every lie and con, from the media to religion to schools to families, were examined and analyzed. There was no automatic worship or revering of the most privileged. Unlike in many of today’s “feminist” writings, blogs, facebook threads, etc., it was understood that Feminists did not laud science and doctors — these were the men who burned the real healers who were witches, these were the men who explained why genocide and slavery were good, because they set Nordic men at the top evolution and everyone else was there for those men to use, and these were the men who tortured and experimented on women (back when lobotomies shock treatments for women were not uncommon, and before the modern time where most women seem to be put on psychiatric drugs). I still am in shock when a “feminist” on a thread lectures about what is fact based on “science” and statistics formulated for pay by male companies. It is so frustrating to feel like we can never go beyond a certain very limited place because we have to keep going over and over the same things that were figured out 40 years ago.

The tragedy is that almost everyone I know who joined our movement after 1980 didn’t learn these basic ideas of Feminism. The most arrogant insist they know those politics even while revealing that they don’t. I have been on discussion threads that were virtually incomprehensible because of the academic language used. When I’ve asked for the discussion to be more accessible, including for those whose first language isn’t English, I’ve been ignored or told to get a dictionary. This is not like any “radical feminism” I have ever known. It’s not even liberal feminism. It’s right wing politics to separate the most privileged from the least privileged.

I was invited to one of these discussion threads (ironically about “privilege”) by someone I later heard described as a “feminist leader.”  (My original Radical Feminist movement had no leaders. Radical Lesbian Feminism was anti-leader because it was not Feminist to give your power to others. All women were encouraged to question and think for themselves. Those put into a leadership position tried to reject it. Mistakes were made, but the good intentions were there. There was an amazing warmth and camaraderie. There was community.)

I was new to this new reactionary style of not even pretending to not be elitist. I repeatedly asked the one who started the thread to write in clear and direct, rather than academic language. I wanted everyone I knew to have the chance to partcipate. She got worse and was supported by the group. I finally asked if they wanted a “community” segregated by racism and classism. They ignored me. I kept thinking of the brilliant Radical Feminists I know who would not feel welcome there or be able to participate. (One later said she watched it all and did feel too intimidated to participate. What a loss. And how dare they do that to her?) Meanwhile, the “leader” said she was “disappointed” in me and told us that she was “tearful.” She continued to harass and bully me until I felt it had become abusive. At the same time that this was unfolding, I was writing to a Radical Feminist friend and told her what was happening. When she heard who the “leader” was, she warned me that that was an ex-lover of hers who had been physically and emotionally abusive to her. She verified what I was feeling by describing her exact style of the manipulation. I tentatively mentioned to the discussion group who my friend was, and was immediately blocked from the thread. No warning, no explanation. I had gotten support from only one woman there, who had been harassed with me. She was also the only other woman who identified as working class.

Do I think that those who were part of that thread really did want a segregated group? I think it was less direct than that and that they did not want to give up showing off their arrogance and class status and privilege, and that that was more important than trying to make it be open to all Radical Feminists. I also saw them doing class bonding with some very unfeminist women there. Their class connection seemed more important than anything else. I believe that they would have been even worse except they were aware that it might make them look bad.

 But what a waste of a chance to help build a movement which could involve and include all women. Especially now, when those who are poverty class are increasing at a rapid rate, it’s even more important to be never use exclusionary language. Not to mention, I want the warmth, intelligence, kindness, humor, and love that I know is part of poverty class culture and is rare in colder class-privileged cultures. I often think that, with a few wonderful exceptions, the class-privileged are just not too bright or interesting. For one thing, most of them do believe they are better than the rest of us and they don’t even notice that they are not. If they have some feminist politics, they try to hide their feeling of superiority, but it does still show. Again, there are wonderful exceptions, so there is no excuse.

 Someone wants to bully or silence you?  They just use their privilege without shame or accountability. And most witnesses let it happen because those with the most privilege are the most valued.

“Reverse discrimination” and “reverse hierarchies” do not exist. It is a right wing idea, as is “oppression olympics” — as if talking about being oppressed ever got any woman anything other than worse treatment. I cannot believe that women who claim to be feminists are using such right wing language as “oppression olympics” and “reverse hierarchies.” Where does any Feminist who dares to talk about the oppression in her life and how she feels marginalized and patronized in a discussion with more privileged women get anything other than ridicule, patronizing, and banning? The treatment is so bad that most Radical Feminists have learned to just keep quiet about their lives and experiences, and the most privileged dominate and bully. And that is exactly what I believe these women want. It’s the country club mentality. How dare someone who they are oppressing talk about her meaningless life? (Of course, even the right wing has learned to have a few oppressed tokens, so mascots can be useful — as long as they obey.)

Yes, a very few individuals have bullied other Feminists by calling them oppressors. From what I’ve seen, it’s been around 2% compared to the arrogant bullying I’ve seen from those using privilege. Ironically, it’s class-privileged feminists who I’ve seen doing the most bullying about the issue of what we eat. I have dear vegan and vegetarian friends who never bully anyone, but that is the issue that I have seen be the most divisive and destructive for decades to our Radical Feminist movement, with class and race-privileged women (primarily) being the ones who are harassing and attacking other Radical Feminists over what we eat. I believe that using what is virtually the cult politics of aggressive veganism and vegetarianism to shame, ridicule, and lecture other Feminists is a way that a group of extremely privileged people with some awareness of politics can justify bullying other people. It is so bad that I have read self-defined “radical feminists” glory in seeing the video of a disabled Radical Lesbian Feminist — Lierre Keith — being physically attacked by a group of men at the Anarchist Book Fair because she dares to speak out about how having been a vegan for twenty years destroyed her health. Again, not all vegans and vegetarians are like this, but this issue has done tremendous damage in our Radical Feminist community. So where is the criticism about this division that I see with “intersectionality?”

The other criticism of talking about differences in privilege and oppression among us is that it will somehow divide us and get us to ally with men rather than  . Where did that come from? I never saw that being said in the early Seventies. We were discussing differences among us as women and Lesbians. It is the NOT discussing of differences that is a way for women to ally with men they share privilege with, especially if part of that privilege is substantial rewards they get from male family and ex-husbands.

 By the way, I’m a Lesbian Separatist and my political writing is rarely about men. My focus is on Lesbians and women as a movement, community, and culture. Every Radical Lesbian Feminist I know  is working towards us having a truly diverse and inclusionary Radical Feminist movement. Saying that sharing support or daring to talk about racism or classism or other issues of oppression that divide us is to ally with men is simply a tactic to shut us up.

The charge that acknowledging differences in privilege and power fractionalize us is the opposite of the truth. When we first began doing that in the Seventies, we created an open, welcoming, and truly diverse and strong Radical Feminist movement. I can’t think of any other movement where there was such a variety of women and where the poorest to the ruling class (family background) became lovers and friends. Nowadays, our “women’s” community feels much more deliberately segregated. Then, many Lesbians from rich backgrounds did not seem to feel as superior as now. And as a political movement, when you attack and humiliate and drive off the most oppressed, you end up with a weak gang of bullies who inevitably end up at each others’ throats.
If you really want to see what divides and “fractionalizes” us, notice how often classism is used to silence other women. Instead of just disagreeing in arguments, the class-privileged will use patronizing and parental language to attempt to humiliate and infantilize the class oppressed Radical Feminist. An example is to tell them that their politics or ideas are “absurd” or “ridiculous” or to be even more insulting. Notice when a discussion is respectful, as if between equals, and notice when tricks are used to dominate and prevent equality.

Or, as my friend, Val, said more simply, in response to the statement “Worst of all, is that intersectionality highlights the differences and therefore fragments any unity against patriarchy:”

I would have thought it’s the more privileged feminists not realizing that they are perpetuating patriarchy with their unexamined lesbophobic, racist, classist, etc. writings that is fragmenting our unity.

So, do we want a Radical Feminist movement that welcomes all females to be part of it, or do we want a segregated “movement” that consists only of the most privileged women and the few more oppressed women they keep as mascots? The last is not Radical Feminism and is far closer to right wing male politics.

Again, what is the goal of those who name-call and taunt anyone who dares to bring up feeling treated badly by the dominant classism and racism that is in any group, and which does not want to recognize oppression among us as relevant?  I think it really is to silence so they will not lose their positions of power, so they will not feel uncomfortable, and perhaps because they really do want an elitist movement.

If this is not their goal, then they can stop insulting and bullying the rest of us and join us in working towards continuing our original wonderful truly Radical Feminist movement.

Bev Jo

P.S.

December 2011

Since writing this, I’ve seen an even more upsetting anti-feminism masquerading as feminism – and that is deliberate censorship and selective editing on blogs and Facebook groups. These groups have become an important way to build Radical Feminist community and share ideas. I naively thought that such groups would be run collectively, but instead have seen virtual dictatorships with threats and banning, and, even worse, selective editing. A well-known blogger who does important work  exposing the “transgender” cult  posted at another blog and was edited non-consensually in a way that completely misrepresented her. In an fb “radical feminist” group, I and a friend were subjected to what can only be called classist emotional abuse, but the worst, most revealing comment (“Gee, let me dumb this down for you again, …..”) was selectively edited, as was my outraged response in defense of my friend. And then we both were banned, without explanation. (I had made the mistake of recommending a list of books by early Black women Radical Feminists, so an furious white class-privileged woman in the group went after me.)

Again, this is not remotely feminism but is right wing tactics. Editing out crucial parts of an argument?  Editing someone’s post against her will?  Some of the women doing this have amassed quite a bit of power and fame as “Radical Feminist” leaders, even though they are extremely Lesbian-hating het women still with men.

It’s one thing for those of us with support to be treated like this. But I worry about isolated or new feminists who don’t know that being censored isn’t  being done only to them and end up leaving our movement. Again, do we want an in crowd privileged clique of a tiny reactionary few, or do we want a truly diverse and inclusionary enormous Radical Feminist movement?

Please do know that if you have been censored, insulted, and ridiculed, that you are not alone and not all bloggers or fb groups are so cruel and unethical.

SUPPORTING BUTCHES SUPPORTS ALL LESBIANS

Part 1

Bev Jo, Linda Strega, and Ruston 

We originally wrote this chapter as two articles that countered the increasing glorification of male-identified femininity and role-playing in most Lesbian publications and among individual Lesbians.¹ This reactionary trend is part of the growing acceptance of heterosexist values among Lesbians in all the countries we have information about. We have to fight it, because ignoring it means contributing to it.

Butch Oppression

Butch oppression is a difficult issue to deal with because there are so many conflicting definitions of what it is to be Fem or Butch.  Butches are the Lesbians who, as girls, rejected patriarchal male rules to feminize, and refused to play the role designed by men for women.  Fem Lesbians are those who accepted that male-defined feminine role, to various degrees, as girls.

We use the term Butch oppression (and Fem privilege) for what many Lesbians call “roles” and “role-playing.”  “Roles,” as it’s usually used, implies that Butches and Fems have equal power or that only Lesbians who define themselves as “Butch” or “Fem” are in roles.  But this is a political issue of power inequality — and is as serious and real as any other inequality that Dykes work to change.  Our language should name the real core of the issue.  “Butch oppression” makes it clear that Fems have the power and the privilege over Butches.

We use the word “roles” to mean the basic core identities of Butch and Fem that all Lesbians have developed in childhood (and which are not a result of genetics or hormones.)  We say “role-playing” to mean deliberate role-playing as well as all the ways Fems maintain power over Butches, including sexual and social behavior, political beliefs, appearance, self-image, and manner.

We want to make it clear that we’re against role-playing.  Acknowledging Butch oppression does not mean supporting role-playing. To think that it does is like saying acknowledging Lesbian existence supports stereotypes against Lesbians.  When we talk about all Lesbians being Butch or Fem, we’re using these definitions to make it possible for Butch oppression to be fought.  Just as it’s impossible to fight classism if some Lesbians claim to be class-free, it’s impossible to end role-playing as long as some Lesbians deny they’re in roles. 

Butch and Fem roles are very complex.  The terms are loaded, the definitions are contradictory, and, more than any other issue among Lesbians, the thought of it brings up intense Lesbian-hatred.  To admit your role in a responsible way means declaring your commitment to strong Dyke identity, which takes a lot of courage.  Unfortunately, most Lesbians who openly identify themselves as Fem (and to a lesser extent, Butch) aren’t doing it responsibly, or even accurately.  They’re just glorifying role-playing as “sexy” and “fun.”  But role-playing, including the intense versions played by Lesbians who deny they play roles, is hurtful and damaging to Lesbians, individually and as communities.

The male origin of femininity is clear.  We agree with the basic feminist writings of the early 1970′s that rejected all forms of femininity.  Men demand that females caricature ourselves for men’s benefit.  Identifying and rejecting that crap is the way to find our true, innate female selves.  Even non-Lesbian feminists worked on these politics in consciousness-raising groups in the past.

We are so subjected to the propaganda of femininity being natural womanhood that it can be hard to see through the lies. For instance, growing up with caricatured images of female cartoon animals from our earliest memories has an impact. Look at real wild female animals – not the poor inbred pets with pink bows in their fur – and you see none of the mannerisms and movements that we’re taught are intrinsically female.

Yet many Lesbians, including those who consider themselves radical, still admire and emulate that male facade.  They’ve embraced femininity, calling it the core of their identities.  Even though femininity is so clearly a self-absorbed, narcissistic, unnatural state, these Lesbians believe that it is true femaleness, and so they set up Femness as the acceptable norm for Lesbians.

Besides the obvious signs of femininity in clothes, makeup, and mannerisms, and in articles glorifying femininity in Lesbian and feminist publications, there are also subtle undercurrents of feminization among Lesbians.  In this chapter, we confront both the obvious and the subtle.  Looking past the tangle of lies we’re taught from the moment we’re born means facing the fact of being Lesbian in a whole new way — a reality that’s far removed from the world of “normal” het women.

There are differences among Fems: The extremely feminine Fems are at one end of the scale — they internalize male ideals of womanhood, which requires continually viewing themselves as if through men’s minds until men’s ideals feel like their own. At the other end, Dyke-identified Fems are repulsed by most aspects of femininity. Fems’ Lesbianism is obviously a major resistance against male values and male appropriation of females.  But our basic femininity and recognition by the het world as “women” remains.  (Since we’re two Fems and one Butch, we generally use the terms “we” when writing about both groups.)  We can choose to grow less feminine in thought, action, manner, looks, and clothes.  However, nothing can change the fact that Fems grew up feeling accepted as real girls and real women, and so were spared the agony, punishment, abuse, and self-doubt of being ostracized as “abnormal.” Most likely, the reason girls become feminine is the same reason Lesbians choose to remain feminine, go back to being more feminine, or pressure other Lesbians to become feminine — that is, so they can fit in, feel acceptable, and not think of themselves as unnatural.

I’ve often heard Fems say, in defense of men who claim to be Lesbians, “You have no idea what it feel like to grow up never feeling like you fit in or belong.” Yet, unlike most of these men, that is exactly what Butch girls feel like growing up. But typically, men’s feelings are considered more important than females.’

Most Butches who acknowledge being Butch clearly remember hating and resisting femininity when we were little girls. This is more than being a “tomboy,” which many Fems claim to have been. A Butch’s resistance brings extreme punishment:  she’s described as abnormal, queer, a woman-who-wants-to-be-a-man; she’s often beaten, raped, institutionalized, psychiatrically tortured (including being subjected to electroshock, drugs, and psychosurgery), and/or disowned by her family, for not “acting like a woman.”  Her resistance does not EVER win her the privileges that men keep for themselves.  Because men know she’s indeed a female, and a most rebellious one, she’s made an example of for all females contemplating resistance.  She has “stepped out of her proper place” and “gotten above herself.”  Butch oppression originates with men saying, in effect, “This is how patriarchy punishes resisters.”

Many Fems, especially Separatists, are strongly Dyke-identified and genuinely want all Dykes to have equal, loving friendships and relationships.  Adoration of femininity is no more acceptable to Dyke-identified Fems than it is to aware Butches, and that’s why we (Linda and Ruston), as Fem Dykes, are as willing to fight Fem privilege as Butch Dykes are.  Becoming aware for the first time that being Fem puts you in a position of privilege can be disturbing, but that hasn’t stopped many Fems from taking that new awareness as a chance to strengthen our Dyke identities and work toward stronger Dyke communities.

For many Dykes, the very mention of Butch and Fem is upsetting because it seems to prove male lies about us.  One of the most common stereotypes of Lesbians is that we “play roles.” Therefore, many Lesbians insist roles don’t exist or that only the most “unfeminist,” “uneducated,” “male-identified” Lesbians “play roles.”  Roles are supposed to be a thing of our “sleazy,” “perverted” past that feminism cured. These condescending, Lesbian-hating politics discredit and malign anyone who dares to try sorting out the complex truth, which is that most women, whether Lesbian or het, choose to be Fem from girlhood.

Since the 1980’s, there’s been a glorification of role-playing.  Some newer Lesbians think of roles as a trendy game, imitating mainstream hets’ reactionary return-to-the-1950′s nostalgia (with 1950′s racism, Queer-bashing, and stagnation).  Some Lesbians we’ve known who were unconsciously playing the Fem role began to be conscious and deliberate about it when they realized it could increase their privilege.  So roles are either considered a reactionary topic we should avoid or the key to the hottest Lesbian sex, especially if played in an sado-masochistic setting.  Also, there are a lot of Fems who think it’s fun to play at being Butch, the same way some class-privileged Lesbians make a game of downward mobility.  Some of these Fems are the most vocal about being “Butch,” which adds to the general confusion about roles. They are also the most likely to harass other Fems for being feminine.

All these misconceptions make it very hard to even begin dealing with roles in a responsible, political way.  But it’s essential to do it because, otherwise, we won’t have equality among ourselves. The issue of Butch oppression is as complex as any other political issue that involves hierarchies among Lesbians.  As with any other inequality, ignoring it doesn’t make the problem go away.  It persists, affecting how each of us thinks and feels about herself and other Dykes.  It affects our political work, our friendships, and our interaction with lovers.  Exploring the truth about Dyke identity, including Butch identity, is the only way to learn to truly value and love each other and ourselves as Dykes.

Dykes who want to deal with roles aren’t responsible for roles existing.  We’re just describing them and trying to fight injustice.  We don’t want Lesbians to feel shame, guilt, fear, embarrassment, or to take offense.  We’re writing to free Dykes from those feelings.  Nor are we confirming male and het lies about Lesbians.  We’re trying to make sense of a confusing situation that causes pain and oppression for Butch Dykes.  Dealing with any issue of inequality is hard and can be painful.  No matter how unjust, the status quo of injustice is familiar and can seem safer.  But the damage is severe, while the gains from fighting Butch oppression mean happier, safer, stronger Lesbian communities for all of us.

Some of the oppressive behavior we describe may be similar to something you find yourself doing.  If you realize that it’s just a way you learned to act and identify with, and isn’t who you are deep down inside (otherwise you wouldn’t be a Dyke), then it’s possible to stop being oppressive without feeling personally threatened.  And if you sincerely care about the Dykes you’re oppressing and causing pain, it’s possible to let go of old ways of behaving and change without feeling resentful or bad.

Every Dyke we know, both Fem and Butch, who’s had the guts to bring up Butch oppression and Fem privilege has been attacked to her face and in the Lesbian press, and has been subjected to ridicule, condescension, slander, social exclusion, and loss of friendships — all in an effort to suppress the truth.  Obviously we care very much about this issue and are deeply convinced of the accuracy of our understanding, if we’re prepared to risk this sort of reaction.  Fems have usually been the most insulting, because this issue threatens their power over Butches.  Those who fear loss of privilege usually become enraged.

Coming out as Butch is as terrifying and difficult as coming out as a Lesbian or a Separatist without support.  The reactions are similar to what happens when someone brings up class in a group for the first time.  She usually meets with angry resistance, denial, hostile jokes, unfair accusations, and ostracism by the privileged, which crushes opportunities for major, positive changes in how we think of ourselves and each other.  This destroys our chances for personal happiness and Dyke unity.  Such reactions focus sympathy on the outraged Fem, when it’s the Butch who needs support.

Fems who deny that roles exist are actually saying Butches don’t exist. Most Lesbians deny Butch oppression the same way that most het women deny Lesbian oppression. Some Butches also deny that roles exist or that Butches are oppressed, because for Butches, thinking about it brings pain, self-hatred, and fear of exposure to the surface, and because exploring Butch oppression can bring retribution from Fem lovers and friends. 

When roles are acknowledged by radical feminist Lesbians, they usually assume that only Butches “play roles.”  Fems aren’t considered “Fem,” but are thought of as “just ordinary Lesbians,” because we merge into the mainstream concept of normality.  Being more feminine makes us more like females are meant to be in a male-run world.  These male standards have been taken for granted for so long that they’re usually assumed to be “natural.”

If we realize that femininity confers privilege, and therefore social power, and not nurturance, fragility, softness, and warmth, we won’t fall for feminine games.  If we realize that resistance to femininity makes openness, honest directness, a sense of realness, emotional intensity, passion, and Lesbian loyalty more possible, we can release and develop more of those qualities in ourselves and in our communities.  If we don’t reject femininity and the Lesbian-hating, self-hating politics it reflects, we’ll never have fair and equal personal or political relationships, because we won’t be loving and valuing each other as Lesbians.  Discussions about Lesbian ethics will remain an abstract fantasy as long as love and friendship are based on unethical game-playing, manipulation, and objectification.

Butches as Scapegoats

Butches have kept Lesbianism alive and visible over the centuries and should be an inspiration to us all.  Butches who are out in times and places where females are openly owned by fathers or husbands are extremely brave.  They are the first to be attacked, persecuted, imprisoned, and killed during the worst times of female and Lesbian repression.

Butch oppression is simply a more extreme version of how all Lesbians are treated by a heterosexist world.  Men and het women often use the term “Butch” interchangeably with “Lesbian.”  Men and het women scapegoat Lesbians for male crimes.  Lesbians are portrayed as girl-molesters, when it’s men who are the rapists, and when Lesbians ourselves are among the many girl victims of rape by male relatives and strangers.  Men have succeeded in diverting attention away from their own violence, teaching women to displace their real rage at and fear of men onto Lesbians. Scapegoating Lesbians enables the het woman who shrinks in revulsion from a Dyke on the bus or who shouts insults at a Dyke at work, to live with, look after and defend a man who beats her and rapes her daughters. 

This scapegoating is central to Lesbian oppression.  It’s become clear only recently that most females are victims of rape by male family, making it obvious that most males are rapists.  The enormity of this terrorization is why males find it necessary to divert attention from their crimes, in order to maintain het women’s devotion.  Butches personify Lesbianism, so the most rage and fear is redirected at us.  Butches are portrayed, by hets and Fem Lesbians, as hardened abusers of females, when it’s men who are callously gynocidal, and when Butches ourselves are prime targets of male violence, as well as abuse from het women and Fems.

The existence of roles has been so distorted and lied about by hets, and Butch identity is so deeply linked with Dyke identity and Queer oppression, that just mentioning the issue often calls forth denial, raw pain, anger, and confusion among long-time Dykes.  It also calls forth a stream of anti-Butch stereotypes from reactionary ex-het Fems who haven’t rid themselves of the lesbophobia of their het years.

Butches have the right to come out as Butch, yet when we do, reactions by other Lesbians are often identical to how hets react to any Lesbian coming out.  In spite of all the pressure, there have always been Dykes who identify as Butch, as well as Butches who won’t, just as there are Lesbians who are clearly out and others who prefer to be called “women,” or “womyn.”

For decades, I’ve been asked, “Why don’t you identify as something other than Butch?” by threatened Fems. (The last who asked me that was one third my age.)  Can you imagine asking another oppressed, marginalized, and invisiblized Lesbian why she doesn’t just give up her identity so she won’t make those in the dominant position uncomfortable?

A Lesbian-focused analysis of Butch oppression has to be based on what we know about heterosexism and Lesbian-hatred.  Who first accused Lesbians, especially Butches, of being “like men?”  Who first accused Lesbians of imitating heterosexual couples?  Who is the most interested in destroying our self-esteem and making us appear repulsive to ourselves and others?  Who is the most invested in discouraging girls from resisting femininity and heterosexuality?  Who uses Lesbians, especially Butches, as scapegoats?  We know men’s lies, and we know we can extricate ourselves from yet another network of lies that damages us at the very core of our Dyke identities, and at the heart of our relationships with each other.  Butches are not like men.  Lesbians are not the same as het couples.  Analyzing “roles” among Lesbians really means analyzing Fem privilege, Butch oppression, and the heterosexual hierarchy that exists among Lesbians.  Instead of assuming that Butches are in a role while Fems are just “being themselves,” we need to recognize that it’s Fems who have accepted the artificialities of a role, while Butches have resisted accepting those artificialities.

Het women consider themselves to be the norm of what it means to be “womanly,” just as Fems consider femininity the standard by which all Lesbians should be measured.  This means that many, perhaps most, Fems don’t even consider themselves to be Fem.  They think of themselves simply as “Women,” “Womyn,” or (for the most radical) “Lesbians” or “Dykes.” That’s similar to how het women don’t think of themselves as feminine women or het women, but simply as “women.”  It’s left to us as Lesbians to say that het women don’t represent us all, that they aren’t “the Females,” but are just one kind of female — otherwise we end up accepting their implicit definition of us as non-female.  In the same way, we need to assert that Fems don’t represent Lesbianism or the ideal Lesbian.

We’ve been bombarded with feminine standards since we were born, so many Butches also believe the propaganda that Femness is the “normal” way to be.  This is similar to how the cultures of the class-privileged can seem more real and even cozily familiar to poor and working-class Dykes than our own cultures, because of media propaganda.

Butch oppression is so ignored that most Lesbians insist on simple definitions if anyone dares to bring up the subject.  When easy explanations aren’t possible, they conclude that the issue isn’t real.   After all, why should most Fems care when they’re not the ones being hurt?  Denying the reality of Butch oppression is like denying any inequality — denial ensures the continuation of the oppression.

Butch oppression isn’t given validity as a political issue.  Even otherwise radical Lesbians make jokes about Butches and put us down in a way they would never do with other oppressed groups.  Although some Lesbians are opposed to classism being discussed and fought, for instance, at least there’s a recognition that classism exists in patriarchy and also among Lesbians.

Often Fems, and even some Butches, not only deny that Butches are oppressed, but say that we’re oppressive to Fems. Old myths die hard, especially when the male and het world all around us constantly pressures us to believe them.  The fact is that more Fems fit negative Butch stereotypes, including being “male-identified” and “like men,” than Butches do. Fems who single out Butches this in way are acting like the men and het women who say that Lesbians are as cruel and horrible as men. Fems may find this a “terrible” thing to say, but how do they think Butches feel to be told such things about ourselves?

We should know by now that believing stereotypes distorts our perceptions.  For example, a Fem who isn’t expressive or talkative may be perceived as “shy” and “vulnerable” while a quiet Butch may be called “sullen,” “cold,” and “aloof.”  A Fem who shouts in anger may be perceived as “strong” and having a right to her feelings, while a Butch raising her voice in anger is likely to be perceived as “violent” and “domineering.”

Butches are no more perfect than any other oppressed group.  If being perfect were necessary for someone’s oppression to be acknowledged as real, and fought, no injustice would be fought.  There are always a few individuals from every oppressed group who happen to fit the worst stereotypes of that group, but that doesn’t make the stereotypes true or mean that group or those individuals deserve oppression.  The fact is that there are nasty individuals from all groups, and just as many or more individuals from the privileged group also fit the oppressed group stereotype.  Responsible Lesbians would never say classism is irrelevant because they know mean working-class Dykes and kind middle-class Dykes.  Butch reality is so distorted and misrepresented that many Lesbians forget to apply what they’ve learned about their own and others’ oppressions to this issue.  For this reason, one way to avoid being unintentionally reactionary is to temporarily substitute Butches in your mind with a recognized oppressed group when you think or talk about roles.

Each of us has internalized some degree of anti-Dyke propaganda, which we take out on ourselves and on each other.  The main targets are Butches, who are also the most pressured to internalize self-hatred.  But the strong Dyke inside every one of us is punished, repressed, and damaged by fear, hatred, and ambivalence towards Butches — whether as Butches we internalize it against ourselves, or as Fems we externalize it against Butches. It’s way past time for us to say No to heterosexual demands that we hate our Dyke selves and Yes to our love for each others’ enduring, wild, determined female/Dyke selves.

“So Give Me a Definition”

A definition is both easy and difficult.  When we describe Butch and Fem identities, some Lesbians immediately recognize what we mean.  Those who do want to understand will recognize themselves and other Lesbians.  For others, no definition satisfies them unless it’s a stereotype.  Those who want to avoid the issue or “just don’t understand” are expressing their resistance to the truth, just as some het women don’t understand how anyone can be a Lesbian. The complex realities of our role identities can’t be reduced to a brief glib sentence or two. This entire chapter is our attempt to define and explain roles.

For those with awareness of roles, it’s obvious.  You can usually tell when you first meet someone whether she’s Butch or Fem.  Sometimes you can tell just by hearing a Lesbian’s voice.  It’s much easier, for instance, than identifying someone’s class background when you know nothing about them.  Yet, for Lesbians who aren’t aware of roles, it can seem difficult at first.

One way to work out someone’s role is to notice how you feel around her.  What’s your gut reaction?  Who do you feel effeminate in relation to?  When do you feel like a clumsy clod?  How “Queer” or how “normal” do you feel around a Lesbian?  When do you feel “like yourself”?  Butches and less feminine Fems tend to feel awkward or crude when they’re around the extremely feminine. Fems, including the least feminine, tend to feel more feminine around a Butch.

Butches are more likely to recognize a Lesbian’s role because Butches are so oppressed by roles.  Fems who’ve also suffered because of other Fems’ role-playing may recognize roles more easily, too.  Butches tend to know more about roles and about Fems — just as other oppressed groups tend to know more about the oppressor’s culture than vice-versa. Extreme Fems also recognize immediately who’s Butch and who’s Fem, for their own predatory reasons. Extreme Fems are the most obvious role-players.  Some are so feminine that they look like drag queen extreme Fems, while others are more subtle.  They may look like strong Dykes, but their actions reveal their oppressive attitudes. Extreme Fems generally treat Butches as sex objects, treat less feminine Fems as if we were of no consequence, and treat other extreme Fems as rivals.

Butches are closer to what all females would be like if we didn’t live in patriarchy. Butches are more like what we’d all be if we weren’t subjected to intense male feminization.  Butches express femaleness and Lesbianism more naturally, while Fems’ femaleness and Lesbianism is channeled through the acquired values of femininity.   Fems share those feminine values with men and heterosexual women while Butches’ ways of being are furthest from those of men and het women.  But there are exceptions.  The institution of heterosexism has many aspects.  Making one decision to resist male rule doesn’t mean someone makes them all. Some poor and working-class het women from rural areas who do hard physical labor have less of the typical feminine mannerisms, (although that has changed in the last few decades since pressure has been on such women to feminize even more).  And there are Fems who accepted some degree of femininity but never became het, while there are Butches who were het and even wives and mothers.  But there’s a higher percentage of Butches who never were het than Fems.  And there’s a higher percentage of Butches who are oppressed by racism and classism.

Since most of the many Lesbians who came out through the WLM are Fems, Butches are in a minority. Nowadays, it’s possible to go to a Lesbian event and find yourself in a crowd of a hundred Fems and five Butches.

Even though many radical Lesbians say they reject the most obvious femininity of the Fem stereotype, Fem is still overwhelmingly the image presented in Lesbian publications and books, and on CD covers and in films:  long hair, often dyed or bleached, in the styles clearly designated for women by men; plucked eyebrows; cosmetics; earrings; long, painted fingernails; dresses, skirts, and high heels.  Besides these images in photographs, there are also drawings of exaggerated femininity. 

Even when the image is supposedly more “Lesbian,” with short hair and pants, there’s usually some male-identified womanliness — a touch of feminine jewelry, long fingernails, a “dainty” unnatural hand position, and/ or an expression that’s commonly found on models:  narcissistic, arrogant, coy, seductive, cute, graceful, or posed sweetness, rather than plain Dyke directness.  A few images project a “proper” motherly or grandmotherly expression, which is also acceptably feminine.  Most Lesbian feminist media stars are clearly Fem (although this was less true in the early 1970′s).  Many look het, but even those who look like Lesbians convey their Femness by the tilt of their head, their facial expressions, and the way they talk.  Many Fems speak in a higher-pitched voice than is natural for them.

On virtually every leaflet or advertisement we’ve seen for Lesbian conferences, meetings, support groups, and dances, the image is clearly Fem (sometimes including in ads for Butch events!).  This is a political statement saying who the organizers consider representative of our Lesbian culture, and who is welcome and who isn’t.  This not only excludes Butches, but Dyke-identified Fems as well.  It’s as elitist as high prices and lack of sliding scale, which say, “for the moneyed only.”  When the common images are also of thin, young, able-bodied, class-privileged, European-descent gentiles, then even more Lesbians are excluded.  But while there’s some growing consciousness about including groups of Lesbians other than the most privileged ones, there seems to be a decrease in including images of obvious Dykes.  (We suggest it’s better to not use any images of Lesbian faces or bodies on ads than to use ones that exclude any oppressed Dykes.)

Fems generally fit the image of how a woman is “supposed” to be, and Butches don’t.  Notice how much ease or unease a Lesbian feels with feminine apparel and how easily she passes or could pass for het.  We can all change our appearance, but body language is revealing.  Fems are more likely to move and make gestures in ways that are traditionally feminine, playing with their hair when talking, even if it’s only an inch long. Some Lesbians think the fad of shaving their head as a political statement makes them look more Butch, but it’s almost always a sign of being Fem. It requires constant maintenance and is actually just a variation on feminine fussing with appearance. Also, it’s not unusual for a Fem to dress and wear her hair clearly like a Dyke one year and look very het the next.  Looking Out has been a fad for many, but fads pass, and many Fems ultimately reveal a craving to follow the drag-extreme Fem ideal. Dyke-identified Dykes, whether Fem or Butch, are repulsed by that crap.

Fems are more likely to be obsessed with their looks and what they like and dislike about their bodies.  They’re more likely to spend a great deal of time preparing their appearance, as if they’re going on display for the male gaze, just as het women do.  They’re also more likely to notice other Lesbians’ appearance and make critical comments about how they look.

Fems are also more likely to act “motherly.”  We’ve never met a motherly Butch who wasn’t an actual mother, but we’ve met many motherly Fems who aren’t mothers.  And Butch mothers tend to be less in the motherly role of being critical and policing.  But that doesn’t mean that non-motherly Butches and Fem Dykes aren’t loving, caring, protective, and nurturing.  Contrary to het propaganda, those are Dyke qualities, not inherent mother qualities.

Butch and Fem identity go much deeper than the superficiality usually talked about.  Some Butches convince themselves they’re not Butch because they’re good cooks, or they like doing craftwork, making a cozy home, and hate sports, and/or are intimidated by mechanical tasks. Some Fems think they’re not Fem because they hate femininity and are comfortable doing traditionally “male” work like carpentry and mechanics.  A more accurate way to recognize roles is by noticing who has the power in social and intimate relationships. Fem privilege carries a lot of clout in Lesbian social interactions.

One Honest Fem’s Self-Recognition List

1.  When I first meet another Lesbian, if all other things are equal (more or less), I feel less difference with Fems.  Even when there are other differences between us, such as ethnicity or class, when it comes to roles, Femness is an area of similarity. With a Butch, I feel the potential barrier that any major difference creates.  We’re on different ground. We can’t assume we know how each other feels — we can assume our experiences have been very different and that as a result we’re likely to feel different about a lot of things.  That’s true of any two Lesbians, but every difference in privilege and oppression widens the gap and requires more conscious effort to achieve understanding and closeness.

2.  Until developing a radical Dyke politics, I never had any qualms about identifying as a “woman” and had no trouble being accepted as one by hets.

3.  I feel myself moving like a Fem, and automatically using some feminine gestures.  They’re not exaggerated, but are obviously different from how Butches move and act.

4.  I don’t pass as het, but I feel relatively confident I could pass as het if necessary — not a polished version, but adequate.

5.  Feminine activities like sewing, needlecrafts, cooking, and other things designated as “woman’s work” feel like something that belongs to me and to my sphere of activity.  Some I enjoy, some I’m indifferent to, and some I hate, but somehow they all “belong” to me.  I remember the years it took to train me in some of those skills, and how bitterly I hated most of them at first, but in the end I accepted them as “second nature.”  No one thinks it’s odd to see me doing these activities, while Butches who are comfortable and skilled with this kind of work are often teased and ridiculed by both Butches and Fems.

6.  Often, Butches show friendliness to me by acting protective, solicitous, even deferential. They don’t usually act that way toward other Butches.

7.  I can tell that I’m less uncomfortable among het women than Butches are.  I don’t need to be as on guard, because het women don’t act as scared, hateful, or predatory (flirtatious) toward me, especially if a Butch is present — they focus on the most Queer Lesbian present.  If I’m alone with het women, they sometimes do act that way.  However, no het woman has ever pretended after a long conversation that she thought I was a man, which has happened to Butch friends who are very obviously female.

“But I Don’t Play Roles”

It makes sense that some otherwise responsible Lesbians don’t want to acknowledge that we’re all either Butch or Fem because: 

1) Hets use this as propaganda to obscure their outrageously extreme role-playing;

2) Dykes don’t want to admit doing things that seem to confirm het stereotypes of us;

 3) “role-playing” is a negative stereotype of Dykes who came out before feminism, and so they are looked down upon by the newer ex-het feminist Fems;

4) sado-masochist Lesbians and “Lesbian” porn glorify role-playing;                               

5) the even newer ex-het Fems who came out after the WLM (and who are therefore much less oppressed as Lesbians) often think it’s campy, cute, thrillingly “naughty,” and trendy to play with roles.

Of the many Fems who deny being Fem, some claim to be Butch, and others claim to be neither Butch nor Fem.  How can any Dyke consider herself role-free?  To anyone with any awareness of roles, it’s easy to identify the role of even someone you don’t personally know just from a photograph or from a Lesbian’s voice and way of speaking.  When you’re privileged, you can take your position for granted, but when you’re oppressed, you can’t avoid noticing it.  Whether or not a Dyke chooses to identify her Femness, she should be aware that Butches are treated as Butches no matter how we identify.  She should at least notice and resist the ways she’s treated as more normal (Fem) by both hets and other Lesbians.

Some Never-het Fems associate Femness with heterosexuality and are understandably unwilling to identify as Fems, but they still benefit from Fem privilege, although to a lesser degree.  A sound analysis of heterosexism among Lesbians clarifies both issues — Butch oppression and Never-het Dyke oppression.

Some Fems claim it’s “masochistic” to identify as a Fem, because they accept and perpetuate the lie that “Fems are oppressed by Butches like women are oppressed by men.”  The truth is that Butches are oppressed by Fems similarly to how Lesbians are oppressed by het women.  Fighting femininity is an essential part of fighting sado-masochism.  Accusing politically responsible Fems of self-hatred because we acknowledge Fem privilege is just another way of trying to silence discussion about Butch oppression.  Should everyone just grab whatever privilege they can with no concern for who pays for it?  Lesbians who refuse to use our privilege, and who fight injustice — whether about Butch oppression or any other issue — should be respected for our courage instead of being called masochistic.  Fighting inequality benefits everyone.  Who wants to live in communities where some feel good about themselves at others’ expense?  We should all feel good together.

Many Fems claim that Butches are more privileged and admired in Lesbian communities.  Some Dykes do support other Dykes to stop being feminine and to be Dyke-identified in appearance and behavior.  But that doesn’t mean Butches are considered superior.  Similarly, working-class culture occasionally getting respect doesn’t mean that the working class are considered superior or now have privilege over the middle-class.  Oppression is real and observable.  Privilege means gaining real, concrete advantages. 

When Fems complain about “pressure” to look and act like Dykes, it’s like het feminists complaining about being “pushed” to come out.  There’s far more pressure on us all to feminize — in the male and het world, our families, and Lesbian communities as well.  The support to be more Dyke-identified is minuscule compared to that. [And, in 2011, nonexistent.]

Butches are under unrelenting pressure to look more “normal,” by mothers, other family members, co-workers, and even lovers and Lesbian friends.  If we do feminize ourselves, we are rewarded by being told how much “nicer” we look.  Many Butches have succumbed to this pressure over the years.

Ironically, some Fems who are temporarily playing at being “Butch” pressure other Fems and Butches to act more “tough” (their erroneous image of Butchness).  They’re the ones we’ve noticed being the most likely to make nasty anti-Fem comments and jokes (another part of their erroneous image of Butches), which isn’t the same as honest resistance to Femness.  It’s scapegoating other Fems for your privilege.  A Fem we knew who used to make frequent anti-Butch comments was told why this was oppressive; she then tried to make herself appear more “Butch” and began making anti-Fem comments.  It’s much more acceptable for Fems to reject femininity than it is for Butches, who are perceived as “going too far.”  In fact, the Lesbians who are most praised for being “Butch” are usually less obvious Fems. This makes identifying Lesbians’ roles more difficult, especially when newly-out Fem Lesbians are inclined to think of almost all longer-out Lesbians as “Butch.”

Anti-Butch attitudes are taken for granted among Lesbians.  At a Lesbian forum in San Francisco, the audience cheered when it was announced that several members were Fems, and they cheered again when another Lesbian described herself as a “recovering Butch.”  U.S. gay papers print many personal ads making statements like, “feminine Lesbian wants pretty Lesbian who looks like a woman,” or “no Butches, please.”  In one such ad² the Lesbian stated her bias clearly:  “I’m most comfortable in this straight world acting straight.  I truly dislike the gay scene, roles, Butches, dykes … etc.  I’m not secretly looking to ‘come out,’ so no helpful offers please.  My closet has always been, warm, cozy, and exciting.”

We’ve occasionally seen some support of Butches in Lesbian and feminist publications, although it’s still vastly outnumbered by anti-Butch statements.  In criticizing a play about “Lesbian battery” for showing the victim as “obviously more femme” than the abuser, one reviewer wrote, “It is necessary to note … that the [Lesbian] abuser can as easily be a 5’2″ woman with a high voice and big dimples as she can be the tough “Butch” image.”³  In a workshop on Lesbian identity at the First Encuentro (Gathering) of Latin American and Caribbean Feminist Lesbians in Cuernavaca, Mexico, “Several women noted that it is generally the Butch that is regarded with distaste.  We need to accept the Butches among us and … thereby reject heterosexist attitudes.”⁴ De Clarke wrote about Butches:

I’ve never seen Butchdom as a cardboard replica of masculinity; never met a Butch who felt to me, socially, like a man; never felt from a Butch the sense of violence that underlies most male social congress … Many Butches of my experience have an almost exaggerated gentleness … I contrast this with the all-out violence of which women are capable who believe themselves weak and powerless … Butches come in for a lot of teasing … aggravation …To me it feels like queer-baiting, but from dykes … it’s a kind of violence to refuse a Butch her identity.”⁵

“Just Don’t Use Those Words!”

Like other inequalities among Lesbians, Butch oppression isn’t something the privileged — in this case, Fems — have the right to “disagree” exists.  Butch oppression does exist, and Fems either act honestly and responsibly about it or they refuse to, which is the luxury of the privileged.  When even the most well-meaning and otherwise radical Fem says, “I don’t agree with the issue of Butch oppression,” she’s denying the existence, identity, experiences, and lives of Butches.  It’s more honest to say, “I don’t want to be responsible about my Fem privilege.  I don’t want to face up to Lesbian oppression,” rather than to liberally act like it’s just a “matter of opinion” for Fems to deign to make decisions about.  Butches simply don’t have that luxury.

We use the terms Butch and Fem because, although we’re not certain of their origin, it’s likely Butches chose them as a way of expressing their oppression.  Butch isn’t only a political term, it’s an identity.  To delete the term is to delete that identity.  To replace it, as some Lesbians have suggested, is to gloss over reality with euphemism — it’s as closet as calling Lesbians “wimmin-loving-wimmin.”  Butch, like Dyke reclaims an insulting, “shocking” word as a term of pride and courage.  And to soothe Fems’ discomfort by deleting Fem is to delete Butch and the entire issue.  Fem accurately reflects the origin of Femness — femininity.  When Fems say, “I agree with some of your points but not those words,” they remind us of Ruston’s het sister who said, about Ruston being a Lesbian, “I don’t mind what you do — just don’t use that word!”

Part 2

The Big Sell-Out: Lesbian Femininity

Linda Strega

In the 1980’s, a decade of reactionary politics, femininity became an accepted value among many Lesbians. Even many politically radical Lesbians, who I would most expect to support Lesbian self-love and self-respect, who usually call male bullshit for what it is, began to openly admire feminine ways of dressing and acting. Femininity! A patriarchal hype if there ever was one — a phony ideal created by men, not by Lesbians — an ideal that almost all heterosexual women embody to please men.

Femininity is not an inborn aspect of femaleness. Our most innate qualities as females can never be developed through the restraining, artificial posing, game-playing and mirror-gazing that is femininity. Men have taught women what they want women to be –they call it “feminine” or “womanly.” As Lesbians, we need to be awake enough to realize that this male invention is masculine to the core, no matter what it’s named, no matter how many women go along with the lie. Femininity is not truly female; the similarity in the words is a lying male trick.

Lesbians’ acceptance of anything “feminine” is part of the weakening of Lesbian politics — a Lesbian parallel to the right-wing trend of het politics. The same is true of the popularity of sado-masochism among many Lesbians. In fact, sado-masochism encourages the re-acceptance of femininity as a “positive” “erotic” style among otherwise radical Lesbians. I’ve heard shallow reasoning that if some Lesbians “enjoy” femininity and “can’t stop wanting it,” then it’s better to go ahead and accept it. That’s the kind of irresponsible, reactionary politics too often supported by psychotherapy. It’s the same liberalness that supports Lesbians going het, becoming bisexual, and having babies. It’s the same self-destructiveness that leads Lesbians to accept thinness as a standard, that calls the slow suicide of dieting “eating healthy” and the self-punishment of over-exercising “staying fit,” and that encourages Lesbians to worry about the effects of aging on their appearance. Those are all male, het values — feminine values. They all revolve around how men want women to act and look, and they all derive from male desires to control female behavior.

Those Lesbians who act out the feminine model and claim it’s a contribution to Lesbian culture, a flowering forth of their “real selves,” are of course Fems, and most often Fems who were once heterosexual. They haven’t gotten rid of old het values, which are now resurfacing in this reactionary time.

The het media is full of stories about the het feminist who “realizes that she doesn’t have to give up being a woman to be a success in life,” who “regrets having tried to be like a man,” and is now “rediscovering the excitement of feminine seductiveness, the fun of dressing up in high heels, make-up and skirts, and her deep need for the joys of motherhood.” Doesn’t sound too different from lots of Lesbian media, does it?

Fem Privilege—Who Pays for It?

During the past decade, I’ve read many articles and stories written by Fem Lesbians that celebrate Fem role-playing as positive, fun and erotic. It’s not just the writings that alarm me. I’ve encountered the same trend at Lesbian social and political events, even among otherwise radical Lesbians. By contrast, articles I’ve read about being Butch show conflict, self-questioning, self-criticism and pain. The same contrast occurs in most discussions I’ve had with other Dykes about Fem and Butch identity, and is one of the many indications that Butches are in an oppressed position relative to Fems.

I’ve been identifying myself openly as a Fem since 1979, when I joined in gradually developing a political analysis about Butch oppression and Fem privilege with a few Dyke Separatist friends. I define myself as a Fem, not because I admire and enjoy femininity or want to develop my Fem qualities but because I recognize that, like most girls, I accepted feminine training as a small child. Why I didn’t resist, when Butch girls did, is now unknown to me, part of the forgotten past. (I do know it wasn’t because I was more oppressed or more heavily pressured than Butches I’ve met.) What’s important to me now is how that choice affects me and other Lesbians in the present.

Being accepted as a “real girl” by the het world, and therefore by my own self, has given me the bearing, manner, and lack of doubt about being a “real woman” that Fem privilege bestows (even though I don’t now identify as a “woman” but as a Lesbian or Dyke). I try to avoid oppressive Fem behavior, but I know that because of my history I will always be Fem. If I claimed to have become Butch because I now reject Fem clothing and behavior, that would be as untrue and offensive as a class-privileged Lesbian saying she’s poor or working-class now because she doesn’t have much money and rejects classist values.

Is it possible to be neither Butch nor Fem, as most Lesbian feminists claim about themselves? From my observations, no. (By Butch and Fem I mean the core self-identity chosen in girlhood– not role-playing, which is about acting out a part which may or may not be your core identity.) Every girl is faced with the choice of either submitting to feminization and being accepted, or resisting and being punished. The pressure on girls to feminize themselves is universal and unrelenting. It exists in every patriarchal culture, and I don’t know of any culture in the world today which isn’t patriarchal. The styles of femininity vary in quality and degree from culture to culture, but in every patriarchal culture “woman” is defined by her allegiance and orientation towards male values and desires.

Patriarchy’s idea of “woman” is not based on true female biology as men claim. “Woman” is actually an artificial, social definition invented by men. It defines what men want females to be—a submissive being who bonds emotionally, mentally, and physically only with men. According to this scheme, if you’re not a woman (namely, a male-identified female), then you’re some kind of deficient man, or trying to be a man; you’re “unnatural.” So, Lesbians, by choosing to bond with other females instead of with men, are defined by hets as being “like men.” (Notice that only Lesbians really give primary allegiance to other females. Het women and all men give primary allegiance to men. The comparison of Lesbians to men is inaccurate even regarding the choice of who we bond with.) Butch Lesbians, who not only bond solely with females but completely reject femininity, are even more viciously defined as being “unnatural” and “like a man.”

I believe that Butch and Fem roles are chosen at such an early age (they can be observed in four-year-old girls) that they have a profound effect on how we feel within ourselves, how we interact with each other, and how we’re treated by the het world, for the rest of our lives. A small girl is surrounded by only two models of gender behavior: she lives in a world that says and believes, “Women dress and act like this, and men dress and act like that.”

If a girl cannot and will not accept the artificial trappings and mannerisms of the feminine role, everyone around her begins telling her she’s doing something wrong and unnatural. As she gets older and still resists femininity, the accusations intensify. When her Butch (and possibly Lesbian) identity becomes obvious, she’s labeled a deviant, a freak of nature, a man in a woman’s body. She isn’t supposed to exist. She’s a threat to the Big Lie of “feminine woman,” and so men and their women collaborators make up all kinds of ridiculous, hateful fictions to explain away her existence. The pressure is meant to humiliate and bully her into accepting femininity, and it must put her through soul-shaking self-doubt, even if she knows other Butches. Because so few females totally reject femininity, she usually doesn’t meet other Butches for many years, but faces the onslaught alone, during the most vulnerable years of her life—her girlhood and adolescence. Sometimes Butch girls are partially accepted in their families and among friends, but as a kind of mascot or pet, not as an equal. After all, it’s helpful to have an outcast around, someone who’s at the bottom of the pecking order for those further up to feel superior to.

[Now in 2011, well-meaning liberal parents are being misguided into labeling daughters as young as four years old “transgender” if they resist femininity. These parents tell their daughters that they’re boys trapped in a girl’s body, and start them on a track towards hormone injections and surgery and, therefore, a lifetime of destroyed health. No alternatives are suggested. No one tells the girls that it’s natural for females to prefer the freedom and dignity of trousers instead of dresses, and to want active and adventurous play. No one tells them that Lesbianism is a possibility and a good way to live. The parents, and their social workers and medical supporters, think they are “liberal” when they name a girl “transgender,” but they are not “liberal” enough to accept her as a young Butch or a Lesbian. In fact, their destructive enforcing of gender roles is not liberal at all, but extremely reactionary.]

Meanwhile, girls who accept femininity—the vast majority, unfortunately—are accepted as “real girls” and encouraged to take pride in their feminine ways. There are degrees of femininity, of course. Some Fem girls accept the complete emaciated drag-extreme Fem sex-object ideal while others take on just enough feminine identity to still be accepted as real girls. But, because of hets’ fanaticism about “real womanhood,” they do set a rigid line. Any female who refuses to make at least some concession to feminine requirements is over that line—that is, she’s denied the right to be called normal. Not only is she “not really a woman,” she’s pushed outside the bounds of normal society, which judges that it owes her nothing and has the right to destroy her. She’s become a danger to male rule instead of a saleable item in the het marketplace and/or a cooperative representative and promoter of male-defined “womanhood.”

Fem privilege is based on retaining a claim to that “normal” standing that Butches are completely denied. Even though Fem Lesbians are seriously oppressed as Lesbians, we’re still treated by hets as if we’re more like women than Butches are. Butches receive a more extreme version of hets’ insistence on seeing Lesbians as unnatural. When young Butch and Fem lovers are found out by angry het guardians, who gets the most blame and punishment? You know it’s not the Fem. The usual interpretation, as we all know, is, “That disgusting bulldagger shouldn’t be allowed around decent innocent girls.”

Because Fems, in varying degrees, fit more closely the male-created ideal of “real woman,” we’re more privileged than Butches, both in the het world and in Lesbian communities. Because Butches have rejected feminine conditioning more completely, they’re treated as being more queer, more suspect, more “unnatural.” (Ex-het Fems get more “normal” privilege than Never-het Fems, and ex-married Fems and mothers get even more privilege. An ex-het Butch and a Never-het Fem are in a position to oppress each other, but when they’re both Never-het or both ex-het, the Butch will be more oppressed than the Fem.) Hets don’t relate to Fem Lesbians with the same degree of vicious queer-hating. Even though we do get it, especially if we’re dressing and acting in a more Dyke-identified way, it’s never as bad as what a Butch gets. As is always the case with oppression, we’ve internalized these privileges and oppressions, so that Butches and Fems alike tend to treat Fems as if we are more “real women,” more deserving of care and attention. Meanwhile, Butches are viewed as being “male-identified.” What could be more insulting, untrue, and oppressive?

Feminine Lesbians Treat Butches As Non-Women

Some of my understanding about Butch oppression comes from how I’ve been treated by het women, by more feminine Fems, and by anti-Separatist Fems who think of Separatists as being like the worst sort of men. At those times, I’m treated a little bit as if I were Butch, as if I were very queer and not quite female. Not a nice feeling. While it’s happening it’s made me feel, in weaker moments, as if there might really be something monstrous about me. The effects of being viewed as unnatural go deep, no matter how much I know they’re wrong, no matter how strong I am—and I am strong and politically aware. It’s insulting and objectifying to be seen as being like your worst enemy—men—and to have your female reality and individuality denied. That’s the kind of thing that’s done continuously to Butches.

Fems seriously injure Butches when they believe and act on Butch-hating stereotypes. Some of those stereotypes are obviously negative ones: that Butches are abusive, dominating and insensitive, like men; that they oppress females, like men do; that they don’t understand real females; that they don’t experience female oppression; that they are obsessed with sex, like men are. Other stereotypes are claimed to be positive, but are just as damaging: that Butches have special erotic power; that they are mysteriously physically stronger and emotionally invulnerable; that they enjoy doing hard physical tasks and protecting Fems from danger and from unpleasant experiences. Believing any of these stereotypes is not respectful — it’s objectifying.

Many Fems falsely assume that Lesbians value Butchness more highly than Femness. That’s similar to class-privileged Lesbians romanticizing poor and working-class Lesbians and feeling sorry for themselves because they’re “the wrong class.” If you pay attention to how Lesbians actually treat each other, it becomes obvious that Fems are treated more like “real people,” “real women,” while Butches are treated as more queer, more in need of Feminism.

Women’s Liberation feminism is concerned with making heterosexuality more comfortable for heterosexual women. Why should any Lesbian want to support this heterosexist reformism which, of course, supports the male idea that femininity defines femaleness? Accepting that unquestioned male definition is why most ex-het Lesbians who came out in the WLM think that Butches are in a role, but that Fems are not. Like with other privileges, Femness is considered the norm. And of course it’s those with the privilege who have the power to define what the norm is. Butches are usually considered unfeminist by ex-het Women’s Liberation Fems and are accused of not being “woman-identified”—an indirect way of saying not “womanly.” This is insulting and oppressive, because they’re saying Butches are like our oppressors.

The fact is, Butches are more truly female-identified than the Fems who criticize them. It’s Butches’ rejection of femininity that offends these Fems. Never does it occur to such Fems that they themselves are the ones who need to become more female-identified, that is, more Lesbian-identified. The “womanliness” they value so much isn’t basic to female nature at all: Butches’ independence from male definitions is more truly female. Most ex-het Women’s Liberation Fems have been too arrogant, because of their het and Fem privilege and lesbophobia, to realize that it’s they who have something to learn from Butches who are lifelong Dykes.

I’ve met many ex-het Fems who, because of their lesbophobic assumptions about roles, think Fems are oppressed by Butches. When I asked one ex-het, ex-married Lesbian mother what she meant by saying she, as a Fem, felt oppressed by Butches, she answered that it was “an extension of how I was oppressed as a heterosexual woman.” This Lesbian is unfortunately far from unique in thinking of a Butch as another sort of man, and she’d been a radical Lesbian for years when she said that. Het attitudes and het privilege don’t vanish upon coming out, even after years of being a political Lesbian: they have to be recognized, analyzed, and consciously resisted just like other oppressive beliefs and behaviors.

The same Fems who think of Butches as oppressive imitation men also often romanticize Butches as lovers: wanting to be pursued and swept off their feet, wanting to be the one who is made love to and not caring to focus the same attention on her lover; wanting to experience the Butch lover as Other, as some kind of opposite, as mysteriously more powerful, stronger, braver. The honest admiration and respect that a Butch could arouse in another Lesbian, Fem or Butch, gets distorted into a het-like power game—an addiction to inequality, with the Fem in the power position and pretending not to be. It’s not honest, it’s not respectful, and it sure isn’t love.

There are also degrading eroticized anti-Butch attitudes which are accepted unchallenged among Lesbians, like the following description of a sex video advertised prominently in the May, 1985, issue of a local Lesbian/Gay newspaper: “For the lesbian s/m connoisseur — butch is taught a few manners in femme worship.” Anyone having a hard time recognizing the hatred in this ad needs only to substitute the name of any other oppressed group for “butch” and the corresponding privileged group for “femme” and feel what your gut reaction is. (The depth of Lesbian oppression is such that it’s often easier for us to react emotionally to an issue which isn’t particularly and solely about Lesbians.)

It’s wrong to exploit Butches’ courage and risk-taking, letting them do most of the work of maintaining Lesbian visibility and take the worst punishment from the het world, while they are used by Fems to celebrate the Fems’ “power to attract.” What about Fems trying to develop some of those Butch qualities they sometimes claim to admire? Many Fems have done that, but the trend toward femininity is eroding support for de-feminization and replacing it with strong pressure to feminize.

What about Fems recognizing our privileged and oppressive position? What about trying to stop the sexualizing of power imbalances? What about acknowledging that acting out of privilege is, of course, going to feel more comfortable, but that that doesn’t make it all right? That privilege is why many Fems are now saying “I enjoy being a Fem,” while Butches express conflict, soul-searching, discomfort, self-criticism and pain about their role.

Fems Who Think They’re Butches

Discussions about Butch and Fem identity often become confused because many Fems think they are Butches. Butches are a small minority, and there are many misconceptions about what true Butch identity is. So, many Fems are mistakenly assumed to be Butches, or believe themselves to be Butches, if they’re less feminine than other Fems. Some Fems who are also privileged in other ways, like looks, thinness and class, get positive attention from other Lesbians by playing at being Butch. They may be admired for managing to act “Butchy” without “going too far,” but they certainly don’t experience Butch oppression. There are also Fems who want to be like men and think that means they are Butches.

Then there are more oppressed Fems who get pressured into a Butch-like role and are objectified as sexual and emotional servicers by more privileged and more feminine Fems. When two Fems are lovers or friends, if one is more oppressed because of being darker, fatter, older, having less looks privilege, less ethnic or class privilege, less or no het experience, or being more Dyke Separatist, she’s likely to be considered the less feminine of the two, and therefore “the Butch.” This just adds to her existing oppressions. Her feelings won’t be considered to be as important or as sensitive as her lover’s, her lovemaking may not be reciprocated, and her lover may interpret everything she does through the distorted screen of lesbophobia, because “the Butch” in the couple is the one who’s considered more queer than her lover. She’s more likely to understand the nature of Butch oppression as a result of being treated like a Butch at times, although she’ll never experience as much Butch oppression as she would if she was actually Butch.

The Het Woman’s Uniform vs. Lesbian Identity

I’ve been criticized by Fem Lesbians who wear some form of Fem drag and want to know why I don’t “dress up,” why I “want to wear a uniform.” This offensive, militaristic male imagery is openly Lesbian-hating—they’re the ones wearing the male-approved feminine uniform. They complain about how terribly pressured they feel to wear Dyke clothes, yet in every case these Fems aggressively initiated talking about clothes. I don’t go around confronting Lesbians who dress feminine, nor does anyone else I know who feels the same as I do about this issue: we’re usually too busy defending ourselves against attacks on our lack of femininity. Meanwhile, I often hear feminine Lesbians praised for their “courage” in displaying their femininity. Where’s the “courage” in perpetuating male and het values?

One Fem, an ex-het, ex-married mother, gave me a lecture at my own kitchen table about how the “Dyke look” (Butch) is really a European-descent middle-class “uniform.” She claimed that racially oppressed Lesbians and poor and working-class Lesbians like to “dress up” Fem. (She herself is European-descent, working-class, protestant-raised.) For her, apparently, racially oppressed Butches and poor and working-class Butches either don’t exist or don’t count. Not to mention myself, sitting in front of her, a working-class Fem who hates feminine clothes and rejects the idea that Fem drag is “dressing up” in any positive sense — I also didn’t count.

Why do our critics assume I and other Dykes don’t know what a “uniform” is? None of us want regimentation. And why are the ancient, universal cultural traditions we’ve developed as an oppressed people shown such disrespect? Many oppressed groups of people express their cultural identity and recognize each other through wearing traditional clothes unique to them, with individual variation according to taste. People who invade others’ lands and suppress their cultures forbid traditional clothing as one of the first steps of genocide. Reclaiming traditional clothes is often one of the first steps in resisting cultural destruction. They’re worn as a statement of pride. Dykes wear Dyke clothing for similar reasons. Yet the same liberal men and women and het-identified Lesbians who’d never dream of attacking other peoples’ cultural style don’t hesitate to attack us for ours.

The clothes I and other Dykes wear aren’t the kind men designate for women. They’re clothes that are cheaper, sturdier, warmer in cold weather, less constricting and more protective—the kind of clothing that men would like to reserve for themselves. Wearing them is not only more comfortable and functional, it also makes it more obvious to anyone who sees me, including other Dykes, that I’m a Dyke. They also make it easier for me to defend myself if a male attacks me. My Dyke clothes free my movements to be more natural to myself, because they don’t require the artificial constraints that feminine clothes do: the smaller steps, legs kept together, restricted shoulder movements, the fussing with hair, jewelry, and make-up that we’re used to seeing in women. (When I refer to restricted body movement, I’m not talking about inherent physical ability. Whatever one’s physical ability, clothing can either restrict or allow maximum use of one’s body.) My clothes aren’t “male” clothes, they’re Lesbian clothes. They symbolize Dykes’ deep refusal to be men’s sex-toys. And because they’re forbidden to us, they also represent our refusal to follow men’s orders.

Those who understand patriarchal dress codes are aware that the seemingly more reasonable feminine slacks and blouses that many Lesbians accept still conform to male dictates. For example, if they weren’t specifically for women, feminine shirts wouldn’t be called “blouses.” This isn’t a word game—clothes designated for women have fewer pockets, are less well-made, and often more expensive. Even “unisex” clothing reserves better quality, convenience, and comfort for the men’s and boys’ versions.

I call feminine clothes “drag” because they’re a game-playing het costume. Het women’s lives are based on lies that are repeated and acted out so often that the truths about themselves as females and potential Lesbians are deeply buried. Het women are dead to themselves as true females as long as they choose to remain het. They don’t know what the needs of a female soul are, or they wouldn’t be het; they wouldn’t be nurturing their very enemy. Then why are so many Lesbians imitating het women? Or in some cases, going back to values they had when they themselves were het?

Hets often assume that feminine-looking Lesbians are really bisexual or het. I don’t think that assumption is 100% het ignorance. Feminine clothing, hair styles, behavior, obsession with dieting and with male-approved appearance are all forms of social communication that say, “I’m willing to please men,” or at the very least, “I accept men’s dictates in dress and behavior. I’m not as queer as a Butch. I’m really rather normal.” Generally, Fems can pass as het more easily than Butches. But Fems who reject feminine values and try to be visibly out are treated as more queer than other Fems. We’re in a position to be oppressed by Fems who are selling out, and we’re more natural allies for Butches.

Some Fems enjoy the fact that men and/or het women like their Femness. Some ex-het Fems are still caught up with male approval, even if it takes the form of thinking, “You men like what you see, but you can’t have me any more.” I’ve actually read that written by a Fem in a “Dyke” publication, and I’ve heard Lesbians talk that way. Lesbians who play those sexual games with men are making both the games and the men more important to them than Lesbian identity and solidarity. Other Lesbians use feminine clothes and behavior simply to make themselves safer from queer oppression, trying to blend in more with het ways. Whatever the reasons, it’s all at the expense of Butches, who by being the most blatant and public resistance fighters against heterosexist values, by not catering to het approval at all, become the targets for the most intense punishment from the het world. After all, if even other Lesbians (Fems) are willing to play that part of the het game—are willing to dress and change their bodies (dieting, shaving, altering their hair) as men dictate—that supports the het pressure on Butches to do the same, not to mention the racism, ageism, looksism, and fat oppression involved in doing those things.

Femininity isn’t a harmless diversion or form of self-expression. It’s not creative, it’s not “freeing,” it’s not daring or sexy. It’s just the same phony heterosexist crap. It means spending time, energy and money on nail polish, perfume, hair styles, dresses, diets, body-shaping exercises, poses and games; fantasizing yourself as the center of sexual attention, making everything into a sexual game, getting yourself further and further away from female reality, from real female Lesbian power. It means identifying more and more with het values and choosing to see yourself through men’s eyes. Shit, you could be that woman in the lipstick commercial: Just substitute a Butch Lesbian for the man that’s panting after her. If your lover or friend doesn’t want to play that game, you’ll teach her how much “fun” it can be. How much time and interest does this leave for forming truly loving Lesbian relationships, building strong Lesbian communities and fighting patriarchy?

I don’t understand the pleasure some Fems claim to get from feminine drag, but I know it’s connected to heterosexist privilege — that is, it’s het-created, het-approved, het-rewarded and anti-Lesbian. I don’t know why most girls accept feminine training when it’s possible to resist it as Butch girls do, but I do know from experience that Fem Lesbians have the choice and ability to recognize the lie for what it is and to reprogram ourselves. Our politics change our feelings about a lot of things. Think of certain movies or books you enjoyed before you became more politically aware — ones that disgust you now, because your gut feelings respond to your present knowledge. I feel that way about the feminine clothes I admired as a little girl. I feel angry about the clownish, yet sexually suggestive crap pushed on unknowing little girls — miniature versions of what adult het women wear to advertise their availability to men to be fucked.

Living with Integrity

Feminine clothes and games aren’t something that can just be tacked onto a Lesbian’s otherwise-political life without affecting her and other Lesbians in deeply damaging ways. Those feminine things began as, and continue to be, male-oriented signals and symbols. They’re the results of female submission and collaboration. We can’t transcend or reclaim them. They’re in no way neutral, they’re loaded with meaning. They’re actually masculine in the extreme. Any pleasure that’s gotten from femininity is enjoyed at the expense of Lesbians who are oppressed by it, especially Butches, who are made to feel like misfit minorities in their own communities. Fems reveling in femininity also oppresses Lesbians like me who’d feel miserable and degraded in feminine drag, and who’ve experienced the queer-baiting game-playing of extreme Fems.  Fems who glorify femininity also make it harder for Lesbians like me to be understood and respected when we identify ourselves openly as Fem and discuss Fem privilege and Butch oppression. We’re less likely to be considered genuine Fems who know what we’re talking about. Not all Fems want to cultivate femininity. Many of us are resisting it wholeheartedly. We’re trying to strengthen our Lesbian identities, not weaken them.

Lesbians who dress and act feminine also make life harder and more dangerous for the rest of us in relation to the het world. They make blatant Lesbians an even smaller minority who are therefore easier to discriminate against, harass, scapegoat, and brutalize. It makes it harder for us to get and hold jobs, welfare or disability income, to be rented apartments, to attend schools, to get medical care, to go anywhere, to even just walk down the street. If all Lesbians were obvious Lesbians, we’d all be safer. There’s a hell of a lot of us, and we’d be a force to be reckoned with.

Most importantly, choosing to be an obvious Lesbian is about living with integrity. A Butch’s choice to resist femininity is the choice of a female who’s being true to herself, choosing to be as alive to her female self as possible, regardless of the punishments inflicted on her as a result. I find in that resistance a key to Dyke power, Dyke beauty and Dyke love.

Endnote 

The original version of this article was published in the Fall 1985 issue of the journal Lesbian Ethics. I have not updated it, except for one bracketed paragraph. Many thanks to Alix, my lover, for helping me revise it for clarity in 2011.

Part 3

“Roles” = Butch Oppression

From the beginning of patriarchal rule, women who accepted the feminine role devised ways to manipulate the male oppressor through that role, as much as they could within the narrow limits of an oppressed position. What’s appropriate when dealing with the oppressor is, however, inappropriate and cruel when used against other Lesbians. It’s particularly cruel towards Butches, who are at the bottom of the heterosexist hierarchy.

Fems begin oppressing Butches in girlhood, which is why we have some of the same painful experiences with each other now as we did with other girls in the past. Beginning in girlhood, the most feminine little girls are at the top of the heterosexist hierarchy among their peers, and are already active in punishing Butch and less feminine girls through the many hostile games we all remember from our own pasts. They form exclusive cliques to ostracize and attempt to isolate the undesirables, and they ridicule the less feminine and the determinedly unfeminine. They slander less privileged, less feminine girls, deliberately damaging those girls’ chances for friendships and acceptance by others, and they show off their feminine accomplishments and attributes in ways that make everyone else feel clumsy and inferior.

These are the girlhood versions of extreme Fems. As Lesbians, extreme Fems don’t always wear extremely feminine clothes and trappings, though they’re the most likely to. It’s their behavior that most distinguishes them as extreme Fems. Because their femininity makes them more acceptable, more normal-seeming by het standards, and because most Lesbians have deeply internalized het standards, extreme Fems’ power and manipulations are seldom recognized as such. An extreme Fem usually has many friends and staunch defenders, some of whom are hurt by her over and over. Somehow she’s seldom perceived as being responsible for the pain, ruined relationships, and damaged political work she leaves in her wake. The Lesbian we knew who said, “It really is different with Lesbians than it is with men, isn’t it?” was an ex-het extreme Fem who left a swath of heartbreak and self-hatred among Lesbians she had manipulated and abandoned. Despite this minimal realization that Lesbians aren’t men, several years later, she’s still up to her old tricks, is considered very Lesbian-identified anyway, and still has friends who feel she’s a fragile soul who needs their protection. Lesbians don’t have to keep being vulnerable to this kind of heterosexist abuse from other Lesbians. If we can analyze and understand what’s going on, we can refuse to participate in it.

Although not all Fems are extreme Fems, all Fems do identify with each other as being other than Butch. This kind of bonding occurs within every privileged group, because there can’t be an in-group without an out-group, and it takes in-group cooperation to maintain the lie of superiority. That’s why a Fem who calls attention to Fems’ oppression of Butches, and is determined to fight that oppression, angers other Fems and is subject to their efforts to silence her. Fems who break Fem bonding get punished.

Even less feminine Fems always have the option of “pulling rank” and engaging in an occasional extreme Fem display, and many do so. The unquestioning, arrogant, smug assumption of superiority over Butches is an oppressive quality shared by almost all Fems, and that alone supports Lesbian-hatred among us to a degree that’s damaging to all Lesbians and devastatingly cruel to Butches. This is similar to how classist attitudes are ingrained in many class-privileged Lesbians. They may not consciously think they’re superior to poor and working-class Lesbians, yet they act condescending and authoritative.   

The Original, Real Role Players: Men and Het Women

It’s men and het women who truly play roles. Their roles are so much a part of the dominant male culture that they’re taken for granted and considered to be natural. Men project onto females all of their own deficiencies (such as cowardice, illogic, inanity, dishonesty, treachery, and pettiness), and they push onto females an array of male-invented feminine mannerisms and styles that encourage weakness, dependence, submissiveness and general fuckability. Such is the role of “woman,” yet we’re supposed to believe it’s natural to want to mince along on stilted shoes, face masked with stinking, lurid chemicals, nails bloody talons, dieted-jazzercized-depilated-plastic surgeried bodies encased in exposing dresses, voices unnaturally high, gestures “cute” and aggressively flirtatious, and minds focused on pleasing men at any cost.

Meanwhile, men, who are raping female-kind, destroying life on the planet, and in quieter moments simply boring everyone to death, pretend exclusive possession of all valued qualities: strength, courage, nobility of heart, directness, honesty, wit, loyalty, intelligence, and independence. They also steal all comfortable, freedom-giving, attractive, and dignified clothes for themselves.

These are truly grotesque, exaggerated roles, reversals of reality, invented by men to maintain control over females, and accepted by their collaborators, het women. Lesbians don’t “play roles” like hets do. We’re not “like men and het women.”

The fact that male drag queens (including MTFs) can pass as women should convince all Lesbians that femininity’s not natural. Some models in women’s fashion magazines are reputed to be men in drag.⁶  Some drag queen entertainers have said they “make better women” than any woman could. [Interestingly, in 2011, many men claiming to be women are saying the same thing.] It’s possible that men’s wish for females to look feminine reflects their own secret desire for themselves and other men to look like that. We suggest that if men so love dresses, makeup, and high heels, they should all wear them. (Just don’t claim to be female.)

Question Fems, Not Butches

Feminine females, accepted and rewarded for cooperating with male dictates, are given the job of teaching and enforcing male-invented womanliness in other females. So het women praise femininity and punish resistance to it, on behalf of men. They protect men’s exclusive access to dignity, safety, comfort, and physical freedom. Fems, as part of the Fem role, carry on this policing behavior in Dyke communities to varying degrees, punishing Butches and pressuring us overtly or covertly to become feminine.

Asking why Butches are Butch is the same as asking why Lesbians are Lesbians.

This question treats the Butch as an alien, incomprehensible being in a side show, to be psychologically analyzed. It’s like Lesbians’ families asking, “What did we do wrong to make you that way?” — as if they deserve the credit for our turning out so wonderfully. It’s insulting, oppressive, and patronizing for anyone to say they know what “caused” us to be what patriarchy considers bad or wrong about us. It’s the old, standard, “some terrible thing must have happened to cause that girl to become a sick queer.”

The theory that we’re shaped only by forces outside ourselves denies that we have power to make decisions and be responsible for our own actions. Asking “what caused Butches?” comes from the attitude that Butches are “abnormal” and Fems are “normal.” For instance, some Fems become obsessed with thoughts of male hormones when they see a Butch with facial hair, and forget that just as many Fems have beards or shave, not to mention all the het women who’ve had electrolysis. Why don’t those Fems make the mistake of thinking of male hormones when they see very thin Fems with small breasts? It’s because lack of female fat is admired by men, and female facial hair isn’t.

The only approach that makes sense is to start from the conviction that Lesbianism is every female’s natural, inborn state and that there are relentless attempts to condition it out of us by the greatest propaganda machine in existence: the institution of heterosexuality. We should instead ask “Why do most females become het?” It then becomes obvious that Lesbianism involves not only love for females, but also resistance to, and rebellion against, heterosexual indoctrination.

Heterosexuality is a vast and complex institution, and heterosexual conditioning has many facets. In order to become a successful Real Woman, a girl must reject other girls and become feminine, het, wife, and mother (the latter two preferably, but not necessarily, together). At some time in their lives, most Lesbians choose one or more of those roles. Many were wives, and some are mothers; some chose to be het but resisted marriage and motherhood. Some are never het, but did accept femininity enough to fit in as “normal.” There’s certainly tremendous pressure to be feminine, but the fact that some Lesbians completely resist it makes it clear that it is a choice, in the same way being het is a choice.

If het women didn’t cooperate with the teaching to be het, all females would be Lesbians. Similarly, if no Lesbian accepted the teaching to be feminine, we’d all be Butch. Butches, like Fems, live in patriarchy. We’re not saying Butch is our natural state, but that it’s much closer to our inborn, natural state, and that only a small minority of little girls refuse to let go of their original female essence. We can’t know what we’d be like if we lived in a Dyke-only world but, in the absence of het conditioning, there would be no such thing as femininity, and we’d all be more similar to how Butches are now.

Although most Fems we’ve talked with say they don’t remember choosing the feminine role in girlhood, most Butches clearly remember rejecting femininity and being punished for it as early as two years old. We’re not trying to blame little Fem girls for making bad decisions. After all, we had no political support and couldn’t know the full meaning of our choices. We’re saying that Fems must stop scapegoating Dykes who refused the easier path of “normality” and who’ve been viciously punished for that. We’re saying that ex-het Dykes (both Fem and Butch) must now act responsibly about the consequences our choices have meant for Never-het Dykes, and Fems must face the consequences our choices have meant for Butches. Ex-hets and Fems shouldn’t wallow in guilt or self-recrimination—we should change our politics and truly support Never-het Dykes and Butches, who’ve been forced to pay for the acceptance we bought. 

The Lie That Rape Causes Roles

“Lesbians who were raped when they were girls become Butch” / “Lesbians who were raped when they were girls become Fem.”

We’ve heard each of these contradictory theories from Lesbians who were trying to explain “roles” in the same way that Lesbianism is often “explained” by psychiatrists. The first lie reinforces the stereotype that it takes something horrible to create a Butch. It’s difficult to disprove since most Butches are victims of family rape and other assaults. The fact that most Fems also are victims makes the second lie sound plausible, but that’s also offensive because it implies that Femness is created by oppression and Butchness is created by having more privilege. The fact is that both Butches and Fems are attacked as little girls, as are most het women. To focus on one denies the experiences of the other, and obscures the reality that most girls are sexually assaulted.

Passing As Het

We have a responsibility to not pass for het, especially in places where hets are more liberal about queers. It’s privileged arrogance to throw away the chance to help build Dyke community by being out. Many Lesbians manage to look acceptable enough to men and het women to get jobs, yet are still recognizable as Dykes to the Dykes who see them at work. There are other choices that make it possible to keep a job besides looking like a drag queen extreme Fem. The Lesbians who go out of their way to look het get benefits from men and het women that are won at the cost of oppressing Dykes who are less willing or less able to pass. Meanwhile, many extreme Fems and het women eagerly dress up like drag queen extreme Fems, old sexist dress codes are reinstated, and both Fems and Butches who can’t or won’t pass are unable to get or keep jobs. (And yes, there are a few Butches who do try to pass as feminine for jobs, but they don’t really convince anyone.)

Lesbians who choose to pass as het sometimes act insulted and falsely claim to be “oppressed” if other Lesbians don’t recognize them as Lesbians. But it’s not safe for us to make that assumption about them. Lesbians exist in every culture in the world, and we find each other by looking definably different from het standards. Those of us who are clearly out are more likely to be disowned by family and het friends, evicted, fired from jobs, arrested by police, beaten, raped, and/or killed for being Lesbians. We face huge risks, but to be closeted feels like a form of suicide to us. If every Lesbian refused to pass as het, our tremendous numbers would make the world safer for us. And those Dykes who can’t pass, no matter how hard they try, would be in less danger.

It’s no coincidence that in every country we have information about, whatever the traditional local style, the look that’s forbidden to females is the same look that’s widely recognized as Lesbian. This is the appearance that’s reserved only for men, and is considered “cross-dressing” for females. Since it belongs to men, it is more dignified, practical, and comfortable that the styles that men demand women conform to.

One of the most common identifying characteristics for being a recognizable Lesbian is to have short, natural (neither permanented nor straightened, dyed nor bleached) hair. We mean the type of hair that even oblivious hets identify as Lesbian, not “crew cuts.” It’s Lesbian-baiting to act like being out means you have to adopt a ludicrous male military appearance. Critics of short hair accuse us of focusing on “trivial issues,” yet their outrage makes it clear that hair style is anything but trivial to them.

Femininity pressures women to be obsessed with their appearance in time-consuming and self-hating ways. And women pay an enormous amount of money to maintain feminine hair styles. Racist attitudes pressure racially and ethnically oppressed females with tightly curled hair to have their hair straightened, or at least made more loosely curled with burning, corrosive, carcinogenic chemicals. And, although the oppression is far less, females with more “acceptably” straight hair are sometimes expected, depending on current styles, to make their hair curly in order to be more feminine. Very few females have escaped having their hair drastically altered when they were little girls, so that they could “look their best,” and most have chosen as adults to alter their hair.

There are fashions which have been called “Lesbian” or even “Separatist” when they’re just another counter-culture kind of femininity. One of these is the “tail,” “fag tag,” or mullet, where the hair is worn short in the front and long in the back, either all the way across or with just a narrow section hanging down. This fashion is popular among Gay men (who originated it), punks, and now mainstream het men and women. It’s become so trendy that even young boys in nuclear families wear it. (By 2011, the mullet has become a mainstream media joke.) The Lesbian who has it may think she’s being blatantly out, but the style says, “I may be a Lesbian, but then again, I may be het or bisexual. Either way, I don’t want anyone to get the impression I’m a Dyke.”

It’s a symbol of rebellion against male directives for Lesbians to refuse to change the natural appearance of our hair and to refuse to grow it long, preventing men from easily grabbing it. It’s also a symbol of ethnic and racial pride for Lesbians to refuse to straighten their hair in imitation of northwestern European hair texture. Some racially and ethnically oppressed Lesbians wear their hair in longer styles that reflect their culture but still make it possible for themselves to be recognized as Dykes. They do this by wearing styles of hair and clothing that aren’t specifically feminine.

“P.C.” and “P.I.”

Politics that support femininity either assert that Femness is an oppression, which makes it difficult for politically responsible Dykes to argue against it—or they assert that femininity is simply a matter of personal taste and preference, which implies that anyone objecting to it would have to be a dictatorial powermonger. (No Dyke has the power to stop others from selling out. As the oppressed, all we can do is object.)

Heterosexist Lesbians aren’t usually content with being oppressive—they like to boast that they’re “P.I.” (“Politically Incorrect”). That way they can pretend they’re original, brave, and revolutionary, instead of passively conforming to male rule. Lesbians who admire and follow such male-defined politics as femininity, “Lesbian” porn, sado-masochism, passing as het, supporting “Lesbian” pregnancy, or protecting boys’ and men’s “rights” to be in Lesbian space often pride themselves on being “Politically Incorrect.” Those who protest the selling out are considered boring bullies. After all, it’s easiest to silence someone by turning them into a joke. Interestingly, these are the exact same tactics that European-descent men and het women use to ridicule anyone who protests the status quo, whether by fighting racism or objecting to people wearing fur coats made from the bodies of endangered species.⁷

The few truly brave Dykes who are fighting the patriarchal onslaught against our communities are treated as if we were in power, even though encouraging and supporting our Dyke looks and behavior is far less common in our communities than criticism of Out Dykes. This is a typical male mind-fuck. It’s the Lesbians who are following men’s directives who are “Politically Correct” in a male-run world, and they derive privilege from that correct role. It’s as if they came into radical Dyke communities wearing crosses and other right-wing symbols, saying, “We’re so brave to stand up to you all.” There’s nothing courageous in wearing the feminine uniform (whether the old conservative or the newer trendy styles), repeating the ancient heterosexist propaganda, and doing just what women are supposed to do in patriarchy.

These anti-political politics aren’t just anti-Lesbian—they’re usually oppressive in every other way as well, as this excerpt from a Lesbian personal ad shows: “Politically Incorrect and proud of it … 5’4”, 135 lbs, green eyes, platinum blonde hair, good-looking, very intelligent … Dislike: … stereotypical dykes … man-haters. Seek women who is: Caucasian, pale-skinned, slender, 25 to 30+, … physically fit … pretty … Okay if you wear a pound of mascara … The more exotic you are, the better.”

Who’s Calling Who “Male”?

Looking like a Dyke does not mean we’re trying to look like or be men. Dykes who aren’t trying to gain privilege by looking het are often mistaken for men or boys because we don’t look like men’s definition of “women.” Even Fems are occasionally called “sir” by hets if they’re wearing Dyke clothes, short hair, no make-up, no earrings, etc. Yet it’s Butches who are accused by Fems of “trying to be men.” Fems, as well as Butches, have sometimes tried to pass as men when traveling or out walking alone at night because it was far more dangerous not to. This is just common sense, and Lesbians often approve a Fem doing it, but not a Butch. Why the double standard? Something unfair is going on when there’s one standard for Butches and another for Fems. Feminists admire females who take traditional male jobs, especially “professional careers,” and don’t accuse them of “wanting to be men.”

Butches are clearly, visibly Dykes. We’re sometimes mistaken for men not because we want to be men, but because no one believes females should be so solidly, sturdily ourselves, the way men are allowed to be. And also, people are trained to just not think – Lesbians who refuse to look feminine shake most men and het women to their foundation. We frighten men, and we remind het women of whole other worlds of possibilities.

It’s ironic that many Lesbians who accuse Butches of “being like men” actually like some men. They just don’t think females have the right to be any of the positive ways patriarchy reserves for the male image.

Being taken for a man is deeply insulting and queer-baiting. It doesn’t mean that the Dyke is getting any male privileges or power. Butches live under female oppression as well as under the worst of Lesbian oppression. If Fems defend themselves against the “Lesbians are men” attack by explaining that it’s one of the many anti-Lesbian stereotypes, why can’t they defend Butches in the same way? Why can’t Fems understand that Butches get more of this treatment because Butches have always been the most obvious Lesbians?

Many Fems, particularly Never-het and other Dyke-identified Fems, are treated as more queer by extreme Fems. And even the most extreme Fems know what it’s like to be treated as perverts by het women. That gives them a little taste of Butch oppression. Any Fem who says she doesn’t understand at all what it’s like to be Butch reveals how much het privilege she has, and how much she considers Butches as Other, alien, and beneath her.

Butches are not like men. Butches don’t think, look, or act like men. Butches don’t have the privileges and power of men. In terms of the heterosexist hierarchy, we’re the least privileged of all Lesbians, and therefore of all women. Men, het women, and Fem Lesbians never treat Butches as if we actually were men, because that would mean giving us privilege. When they call Butches “male,” they’re being extremely cruel, smug, arrogant, dishonest, and oppressive. The Lesbian-hating of this stereotype is outrageous. Most Fems take part in this mass, community abuse of Butches, which has disastrous consequences, causing Butches emotional pain, deprivation, isolation, fear, illness, and death. [By 2011, there is a much higher percentage of Butches we’ve known who have died – way out of proportion to their numbers.]

Butches are treated as the queerest of the queers. In the patriarchal hierarchy, men are at the top, next are wives/mothers, single het women, celibate het women, next are bisexual women, then extreme Fems who emulate and identify with men and het women, next are Dyke-identified Fems, and finally Butches are at the bottom. (As we said in Chapter 3, this hierarchy is also affected by how long we’ve been Lesbians, when we came out, and past het privilege. Also, we’re in no way minimizing the significance of racial, ethnic, class, nationality, physical ability, fat, looks, and age oppression. Dykes who are oppressed in any and all of these ways are additionally oppressed if we’re also Butch.)

Just as, among Lesbians, the “normal” Lesbian image is a middle-class stereotype, the “queer” Butch image is often classist. When Butches are said to be “like men,” the image presented certainly isn’t that of the male lawyer, doctor, or business executive. It’s more likely to be the stereotype of a working-class truck driver who hangs out in bars, is uneducated, uncultured, rude, tough, cold, and violent. These aren’t just anti-Butch and anti-Lesbian lies, but classist lies as well. Meanwhile, the model for femininity is based on the upper-class WASP het woman ideal.

A few Butches may appear to have a fractional share of something that’s usually reserved for men, such as a non-traditional job, but the vast majority of females who’ve moved into such high-paying work are het; a few are Fem Lesbians. The very few Butches in those jobs are much more oppressed on the job, just as we are everywhere else. The only females who seem to have attained executive, upper-class positions as the heads of companies and high status in governments—often by being daughters or wives of powerful men—are, again, het women.

Butches who’ve tried to pass as men, or who are taken to be men, or who’ve done any or all of the things used to “prove” Butches are “male-identified,” don’t prove anything except that, in patriarchy, if you don’t accept the role of “womanly,” you’re labeled “manly,” whether you like it or not. Parents, relatives, teachers, and other girls who treat a Butch girl as an imitation boy aren’t causing her to be Butch; her resistance to femininity was chosen by her much earlier in life. What they’re doing is abusing her by refusing to acknowledge her as a female. She’s never given the privilege a boy has —she’s just treated as an abnormal girl.

In what way is a Butch girl thinking she’s “not a woman” different from adult Dyke Separatists and radical Lesbians rejecting the term “woman” for ourselves as a political act? (Except that choosing to reject a mis-definition is easier when you’ve had a chance to acquire a clear analysis and political support.) Can’t the young Butch’s early rejection of femininity be seen as an intuitive awareness that “feminine” usually means “heterosexual” and all the other disgusting things that go with it? Isn’t she instinctively realizing much earlier, and without political support, that all the outward symbols of womanliness and heterosexuality, and the internalized values that support them, also mean fuckable, dependent, unthinking, submissive, and ultimately passive? Young Dykes who perceive that crap for what it is and rebel against it without support, in spite of constant punishment, are to be admired and respected. That’s courage!

Because some Butches have bound their breasts, Butches are called “male.” In a world where men and boys stare and grab at females’ breasts on the street, making humiliating comments, it’s not odd that a Dyke would want to conceal and protect her body. Isn’t it more questionable to wear padded, push-up bras in order to elicit sexual attention from men – not to mention implants that destroy the immune system and which now many women are buying for their teenaged daughters, as well as other plastic surgery, to make them more sellable to men? Who but the truly male-identified would: wear apparatus that pushes her breasts out and up into men’s faces; ruin her back, pelvis, and feet by tottering about on high heels; squash her body into a girdle; painfully remove the fur on her body or face; wear make-up that looks like bruises across her cheeks or that mimics sexual excitement; poison herself and anyone within breathing distance with chemicals that disguise her female aroma; or wear a dress that exposes her body and makes her less able to escape from rape? Who else would deliberately starve and torture (“exercise”) herself to look weak, powerless, unfemale, and thin enough to please men? And who else would believe that looking so undignified and ludicrous is being “fashionably beautiful”? One Fem we know was on a local Oakland, California, television show about “Butch and Fem roles.” Even though Lesbians had in the past spent many hours explaining to her much of what we’re saying in this chapter, she wore het paraphernalia and make-up and explained she was a Fem because “I feel like a girl.”

Bev: Using make-up does males’ dirty work in other ways, too. Where do Lesbians think cosmetic chemicals come from? Besides the fact that most cosmetics are “proven to be safe” (which they of course are not) by torturing and murdering millions of animals, Lesbians don’t usually consider what it’s like to work or live near cosmetics factories. I have a higher risk of developing cancer or liver disease because of growing up a half-block from such a factory. My working-class neighborhood was daily subjected to the nauseating, caustic fumes that literally blistered the paint off cars. It’s no coincidence that factories are built only in poor and working-class areas.

Studies have shown that in the U.S., 884 ingredients used in cosmetics have been reported to the government as “toxic substances.” Of these, 314 are reported to cause biological mutation, 218 to cause reproductive complications, 778 are capable of acute toxicity, 146 are reported to cause tumors, and 376 ingredients cause skin and eye irritation. But the U.S. cosmetics industry is a 17 billion dollar business so, “… there are no inhalation tests to determine perfume safety, only skin tests, and neuro-toxic effects are not examined.”⁸ [These quotes are from 1990. It’s much worse now.]

The Lie That Butches Bond with Men

This is a particularly offensive stereotype, considering that men are Butches’ enemies. Many of the Butches we’ve known haven’t ever been friends with men, while many of the Fems we’ve known have. Why are the few Butches who are friends with men focused on, when it’s het women as a group who literally, physically, bond with men? What of their collaboration? Het women are intimate with men in ways that no Lesbian could ever be. They welcome men into their bodies, and create and nurture men. Some even collaborate with males in the beating, abduction, rape, and murder of other females. If any Lesbians bond with men, it’s more likely to be ex-het Fems than Butches. Many ex-het Fems maintain close relationships with ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends. Ex-het Fems are also more likely to become bisexual or return to being het. Of the many Lesbians we’ve known who’ve gone het, all were Fems, and almost all had been het. Men and hets are more comfortable with Fems than with Butches, because that’s how they want us to be: the more Fem and het-identified a Lesbian is, the more comfortable patriarchy is.

Butches as Sexual Objects

One of the major stereotypes of Butches is that we objectify Fems. This again compares Butches to men, when the reality is that it’s usually Fems who sexually objectify Butches. Butches are more likely to take the risk of initiating being lovers than Fems are, which is courageously Lesbian. When Fems appear to be more aggressive, they’re often in fact trying to get the Butches to do the initiating. A Fem at a Lesbian forum said about coming out, “You don’t go with men, after you grew up thinking you would. Then you let a woman touch you, and that’s really scary.” What goes on in a Lesbian’s mind when, rather than talking about coming out through desire to love and touch another female, her focus is on letting a Lesbian touch her! This is a common attitude—the Fem is the one who is loved, and the Butch is the one who loves. The way some Fems come on to all Butches and ignore other Fems sexually is similar to the way many het women flirt with all men and ignore other females. It’s also similar to the way men objectify females, viewing them only as things to be used for sexual conquest. It’s personally and sexually invasive to assume Butches welcome this impersonal and inappropriate attention.

One Butch we know was approached at a party by a Fem who’d recently come out. They worked together and there’d been no sexual interaction between them. Our friend thought of this Lesbian as just an acquaintance. Suddenly the Fem said, “Put your hand on my breast.” The Butch was stunned. She had no interest in touching this Lesbian in any way. She felt verbally molested, but presumably was supposed to feel flattered. Another Dyke we know was in a bar when a Fem she barely knew and wasn’t even in a conversation with deliberately rubbed her bare breast across our friend’s arm. These tricks must have worked with men in this Lesbian’s past.

When a Butch and Fem become lovers, the Butch is more likely to make love to the Fem than vice-versa. Some Fems never reciprocate their lovers’ passionate attentions. Many do, but often not with the same intensity and focus that they enjoy from their lover. Is it any wonder that some Butches become reluctant to accept lovemaking from Fem lovers, when all have experienced rejection, indifference, and half-hearted going-through-the-motions? It also doesn’t help that many Fems are attracted by the stereotype of the “stone Butch,” without any awareness that Fems have created and maintain that stereotype for their own benefit, and that it causes a great deal of pain to Butches.

Many Fems want to believe that Butches get something out of inequality in lovemaking. Some Fems even insist that a Butch doesn’t need to be made love to because the Fem’s orgasm mysteriously causes her Butch lover to have an orgasm at the same time! (Wryly referred to by a Butch friend as “the Phantom Orgasm.”) Again, Fems are perceiving Butches to be some kind of man. After all, don’t men prefer to be the active partner in sexual encounters with women? Doesn’t it give them power over women? But Butches are not men. (In Aotearoa, Dykes sarcastically refer to Fems who don’t make love to their lovers as “flat-on-their-back-fairies.” Fairy is an Old Dyke word from Aotearoa for Fem. In the US, the term is “pillow queen.”) What is more hateful and cruel than making your lover feel that you can’t beat to touch her? Is this a woman who can be trusted to be a Lesbian?

Femininity teaches women to imagine themselves the center of sexual attention, the alluring flower meant to attract rewards from excited, attentive, and loving admirers. Of course, that’s het fairy tale crap. The het woman’s costume and perfume are meant to attract men, and men’s attentions are far from loving. Most Fems don’t want to attract men, but many have internalized that image of themselves as an alluring center of sexual attention, and they simply substitute Butches as those they want to attract.

But Butches are not men. We’re females, we’re Lesbians, and our lovemaking has absolutely no connection or resemblance to men fucking women. A Butch focuses her attention on her lover’s pleasure, and her lovemaking is a way of creating strong emotional, psychic, and spiritual intimacy with her lover. Men don’t make love — they use women’s bodies to masturbate themselves and to establish dominance over them — they fuck women. The physical realities of the two activities are completely different. Considering the profound emotional, psychic, and spiritual differences as well, comparing Butches to men in intimate sensual relationships is glaringly illogical and insulting.

It would be more accurate to say that, in many cases, a Butch making love with a Fem is similar to a Lesbian making love with a het woman. The most het-identified Fem’s lovemaking is like a man’s — her focus is on her pleasure alone, with no concern for her lover’s. When she does touch her lover it’s with the intention of “fucking” her and dominating her. It’s the most insensitive, harsh kind of Lesbian lovemaking. The Butch is set up as The Queer, and her female needs and desires — physical, mental, emotional, and beyond — are ignored, because she’s not perceived as being female. Does this sound like a safe situation for a Butch to say, “I really want you to make love to me the way I make love to you, even though a lifetime of queer and Butch oppression would make it hard for me to believe you really meant it”? Not likely. So, many Butches have accepted being “stone Butches” out of loneliness and desperation, and have given up on ever finding equality and real love.

Some Fems are pushed into unequal lovemaking by lovers who are more Fem. These Fems experience some of the pain, frustration, humiliation, loneliness, and self-hatred that unreciprocated passion creates, and they can understand from that what Butches go through all the time.

Passive Fems Avoid Their Own Lesbianness 

By being lovers only with Butches or pushing Fem lovers into an oppressed Butch role, a Fem can avoid her fear of her own Lesbianism. When a Lesbian initiates making love to her lover, she directly faces the fact that she’s a Lesbian. But if she’s made love to and doesn’t reciprocate that love, then she can feel less queer. In fact, by being passive in Lesbian intimacy, she is less queer. That makes her lover “the real queer.” This is especially true of Butches but also affects Fems in the Butch role. The common het stereotype of Lesbian couples is that one is “the real Lesbian” (the Butch) and one is a het woman who’s been forced or seduced into the relationship by the Butch. This oppresses Butches, not Fems.

Fems who are involved with Butches and do nothing to fight the oppression of Butches go along with that stereotype whether they mean to or not. When they go out into the het world with their lover, they’re not thought of as being responsible for the relationship — they’re perceived as het and temporarily involved with a Lesbian instead of with a man. As insulting as this is to the Fem, it’s far more insulting and dangerous to the Butch. This unequal situation can be avoided only if the Fem takes equal responsibility for being a Lesbian and for being in a lover relationship, which means acting and looking like a Dyke.

Think about how het women flirt with us, act scared of us, believe and spread Lesbian-hating lies about us, patronize us, treat us like perverts or as if we’re stuck in a childish state” — that’s how many Fems treat Butches. Many ex-het Fems have said that it took them a long time to come out because they met Butches and were terrified, so they went back to men. Now, that’s really taking responsibility for yourself! Weren’t they scared of men? Why not?

While many Fems are passive because of irresponsibility, some have much more destructive motives. Some Fems who lived with or married men when they were het actually want their lover to be in a “male role.” They may push their lover to act like the ex-husband/boyfriend, to make love in a way that feels like fucking, because they haven’t stopped thinking like men’s women. Since Butches have much less social power than Fems, particularly ex-het Fems, they’re vulnerable to being pushed around by them, including being forced into the Fem’s fantasies — especially since part of the Fem role is authoritativeness toward Butches. For example, it’s usually male-identified ex-het Fems who talk about liking to be “fucked hard” and who like their Butch lover to use a dildo. An Old Dyke friend recalls, with pain and anger, being made to feel “like a walking dildo.” She tells of the countless times such Fems have said to her, “I’m a Lesbian at heart, but my body is still heterosexual and wants a prick.”  We believe that this is clearly what dildo use is about. Instead of experiencing the exquisite sensation of your lover’s body or her feeling yours, a silicon prick is used instead. You can certainly feel more by touching and being touched, so the only reason we can think of for using an object that is in the image of what rapes and is imitated in weapons from guns to nuclear missiles is simply lesbophobia/Lesbian-hatred.

When a Butch is told all her life that she’s not really a woman, and is taught to hate herself, is it surprising that she would take a “real” woman’s word for what women like in lovemaking? Some of the ways Butches are stereotyped come not from the ways Butches look or act, but from the fantasies, desires, and pressures of het-identified Lesbians. These are the ex-het Fems who, when they talk about “past lovers,” include men. These are the Lesbians who came out for reasons other than their love of females. They “just happened to fall in love with a woman this time,” or they want power over others that they can’t get with men, or they want to play out a male-pornographic fantasy. (Most Lesbians we’ve known who like to read porn have been Fems.) By never making love to their lover, but only being made love to, Fems like this can fantasize they’re really with a man. Then they turn around and accuse their lover of being “male-identified”! It’s horrible that Lesbians like these, who operate totally out of male and het values, and fuck over Lesbians, are accepted as nice role-free Lesbians while Butches and, to a lesser extent, Dyke-identified Fems, are persecuted for their Lesbianism, by other Lesbians.

Fems sometimes ask, usually with hostility, “Well, why are most Butches lovers with Fems, then? And how come lots of Butches admire feminine Lesbians?” The answer is internalized oppression. It’s not unusual for other kinds of oppressed Lesbians to be attracted to Lesbians from more privileged groups. For instance, some working-class Lesbians are lovers only with class-privileged Lesbians. Resistance to femininity comes at a high price — total lack of support — which breeds self-doubt and self-hatred. In that situation, the more privileged and acceptable are always more highly valued than those who remind you of yourself, and you gain a little protection from oppression by getting their friendship and approval. Also, Butches are in a small minority, so we meet more Fems. Some Butches do succeed in becoming lovers with each other, and those we’ve met have said that theirs was the most equal relationship they’d experienced, and that they’d been able to help each other nurture self-love. However, Butches who are lovers with other Butches are harassed by both Fems and Butches, including being lectured to that they should be with Fems and that they aren’t “real” Butches or are less Butch than the “real” Butches who are with Fems. Sound familiar? Lesbians are told that “real” women are with men.

Who’s Sex-Obsessed?

Extreme Fems are often remarkably callous towards Butches and Dyke-identified Fems. Many Dykes have experienced extreme Fems’ het-style sexual games, but they can be very difficult to confront. Extreme Fems’ sexually suggestive comments and jokes can seem like harmless play. An extreme Fem commenting on the vulval appearance of food or flowers may be considered charming, while a Butch saying the same words is likely to be called “sex-obsessed.”

 Any Dyke who directly asks an extreme Fem if she’s flirting is also likely to be called “sex-obsessed.” Meanwhile, the extreme Fem gains popularity through manipulation, pretending attraction to Dykes she’s not interested in. She may “accidentally” rub her breasts or pubic region against a Dyke or place her knee between the legs of a Dyke while dancing, her manner clearly flirtatious. The Dyke may feel vulnerable and confused, wondering, “Am I imagining this? Does this mean she’s attracted to me? If I respond with interest, will she deny what she’s doing?” The extreme Fem will very likely respond with surprise, feigned fear, ridicule, or anger.

This type of covert sexual manipulation borders on molestation, because it’s an uninvited invasion of physical boundaries that’s done in order to gain a power position. It’s especially harmful to family rape victims or any Dyke who’s had her reality repeatedly denied. Yet this intrusive Fem seductiveness is admired by many Lesbians, and falsely thought of as “sexual honesty” and “being daringly out,” when it’s nothing more than the way “liberated” het women act with men. Lesbian sexuality should be genuine, Dyke-loving, and egalitarian.

Extreme Fems often set up competition by flirting with several Dykes at the same time and then enjoy being fought over. They may also maintain power by stringing along several lovers at once without giving any their full attention, acceptance, or intimacy, and then harassing their hapless followers for their reasonable jealousy.

The Lie That Butches Are Tough, Closed, Mean, Violent, Unemotional

Every Lesbian has to be tough to survive. We’re threatened and attacked, verbally and physically, because we’re Dykes. The more out we are, the more likely we are to be attacked, especially physically. Even when we’re not being overtly attacked, we’re stared at, made to feel like outcasts, and are the objects of angry, disgusted, hating, patronizing, leering, or ridiculing looks. Even if no male or het woman is being horrible at a particular moment, we’re still constantly assaulted by a het, pornographic, male world, with male fetishistic fantasies of females in store windows, on billboards, and in all the male and het media. A Dyke can’t be all fluffy and sweet, with a soft, open face, when she’s walking through a virtual mine-field. Fems also have to protect ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally, and psychically against this assaultive het world, although to a lesser extent, and as a result could be accused of being “mean, closed, and tough.” When Butches are similarly self-protective, our behavior is used to prove male lies about Butches being “hard.” Yet the het world is much more hostile and dangerous to Butches, especially to those who are further oppressed by racism, anti-Semitism, ethnicism, classism, ageism, ableism, fat oppression, and looksism.

It’s a basic political principle that it’s not all right for those with more power to stereotypically label those with less power. A Fem who accuses a Butch of being “suspicious,” for instance, should ask herself instead what it is in her own behavior that the Butch has reason not to trust. There’s plenty, if the Fem is doing nothing to fight Butch oppression, and is making the usual assumption that it’s the Butch with “the problem.” Treating someone as “abnormal” is an excellent reason to not be trusted. Fems treat Butches this way all the time, with very rare exceptions. Butches have more than enough reason to relate to the general world with great distrust, and we also have plenty of reason to not trust Fems the way things are at present in Lesbian communities. While Butches are frequently and publicly insulted in Lesbian publications and elsewhere, with almost no one speaking out in our defense, we would be most unwise to completely trust Fems.

Butches are told we’re “unemotional, tough, and cold,” because we’re not Fems. These accusations have very little to do with what each individual Butch is actually like. Fems, being feminine, are perceived as “soft, vulnerable, and emotionally expressive,” which is often far from the truth. Fems aren’t “oppressed” by this womanly stereotype — they’ve chosen to live it because of the privilege it gives for appearing to be “normal women.” In reality, Fems are more often tough, mean, and less genuinely emotional than Butches are. It’s tough, mean and closed to act oppressively to Butches. Extreme Fems who won’t even try to be close to other Fems, and who try to make Butches fill all their needs, are especially emotionally distant. Fems who’ll only be close to lovers or Lesbians they’re attracted to are impossible to be friends with.

Extreme Fems sometimes behave in stereotypical feminine ways by throwing scenes, screaming, using tears to manipulate others, and generally acting like drama queens. This doesn’t prove that Fems are “open” and Butches are “closed.” Throwing scenes isn’t real emotion—it’s pushing other Lesbians around, intimidating and silencing them by using theatrical power plays or cruel outbursts that show no consideration for other Lesbians’ feelings. These displays are learned behavior, deliberately used for effect. It’s not from being genuinely upset, which all of us feel sometimes and need to express. The same Fems who use tears to manipulate other Lesbians are likely to ignore or ridicule a Butch who cries. That is the more male behavior.

None of the Butches we’ve met conform to the “tough, closed” stereotype. Butches are often more present, warmer, and more emotionally supportive than many Fems. We’ve met as much or more genuine warmth, sensitivity, and willingness to deal honestly with feelings among Butches as among Fems. Butches’ solid Dyke identity gives them a personal realness that no amount of femininity will ever confer. To be more Lesbian is to be more true to our natural female selves, while to be less Lesbian-identified (more het-identified) is to be further from our real selves. The further you are from your real self, the less capable you are of being honestly direct, and the less capable you are of being really close to another Lesbian.

Portraying an entire group of Lesbians as all having the same characteristics is objectifying and denies individual personalities and differences. Just as there are many sorts of Dykes, there are many sorts of Butches. As long as Fems are projecting stereotypes onto Butches, Fems will never be able to truly communicate and be close to us. This is the Fems’ failing, not the Butches’! It’s also the Fems’ loss, and the Butches’ oppression.

There’s also a stereotype of Butches being drunks, which reflects the common stereotype of Lesbians as alcoholics. In our experience, recovering alcoholic Butches are more likely to be open about being alcoholic and having stopped drinking than Fems. This makes alcoholic Butches more visible than alcoholic Fems, of whom there are many. This stereotype is also used against many other oppressed groups, since using alcohol and drugs is a common way of trying to cope with oppression.

Unfortunately, being bombarded with hatred causes self-hatred. Many Lesbians end up believing Lesbian-hating lies. They may think they’re queer because of emotional or hormonal problems. Some Butches believe the same. A few may even agree with Butch-hating lies, but no one should use Butches’ internalized oppression to believe the lies. No Dykes should be repeating those lies any more than they should repeat stereotypical lies about any oppressed group. Saying, “But some Butches are like men,” is like saying, “But some working-class Lesbians are dirty, lazy, stupid slobs.” Just because someone says something derogatory about themselves or about someone else doesn’t mean it’s true.

Butch Oppression Hurts All Dykes

No matter how often the stereotypes of Butches in particular, and Lesbians in general, are proven to be untrue, the lies are still spread, and damage is still done. Why? Because Lesbians are the only threat to the world-wide rule of patriarchy, and Butches are the most obvious of Lesbians — the Dykes who most clearly refuse to cooperate with male domination of the world. Why do Lesbians themselves participate in the male assaults on our resistance struggle? One of the reasons is that patriarchy is based on hierarchy and inequality, divide and conquer. Females are split up into many different groups and taught to be antagonistic, ridiculing, and hating towards anyone who’s beneath them in the het hierarchy. We learn this as little girls in our schools, families, and religions. Part of the conditioning to become “real women” is being taught to police and bully other girls on behalf of the male power structure. That’s why even young girls can be so cruel to anyone who is different.

Why is it that het women, who exemplify the feminine ideal, are perceived as “emotional, loving, open, soft, and expressive”? It’s because they get close to, are open to, and love males. As a group, they sure as hell aren’t that way with Lesbians. The feminine stereotype is a lie. Het women are closed emotionally, because they won’t be intimately open with other females. Lesbians, especially Butches, are falsely stereotyped as “closed” because Lesbians are not available for intimacy with men. No matter how intimate and warm we are with each other, we’re still called “distant, closed, emotionally frozen,” because closeness between Lesbians doesn’t count—only loving men and boys (especially sons) is counted as “feelings.” Individual het women can be as cold and vicious as they like, but as long as they’re a wife and mother, they qualify as “gentle, warm, feeling,…womanly.”

Of course not all het women act hateful. We know some who are dear friends and allies, but still, het women as a group operate this way and all benefit from institutionalized privilege.

Non-Separatist Lesbians, though they don’t hate and avoid men like Separatists do, still don’t fuck with men. That’s basic to Lesbian identity. No matter how nice non-Separatists are to men, they’re still viewed by men and het women as the mean, hard Lesbians of the stereotypes. Even more so are Separatists, who are so “cruel and harsh” as to have the guts to perceive men as the rapists and murderers they are. We supposedly “lack compassion” and are “hard and vicious” because we hate males, while rapists and murderers are the objects of universal womanly loyalty, and love. Het women breed, feed, clothe, clean for, fuck, love, and support those rapists, and so are considered “loving, natural, open, and womanly,” instead of being accurately perceived as the Lesbian-hating, female-hating collaborators they really are. Meanwhile, Lesbians who dare to challenge het women’s hatred towards us are called “woman-hating” or “misogynist — the lie of reverse discrimination.

The world we live in calls hatred and cruelty “love,” while calling courage and wit “cruelty.” Lesbians, especially Butches, are set up by men to be the universal scapegoats for male crime. Understanding this makes it clear why we’re stereotyped as harsh and mean. Stereotypes should always be analyzed to find out who they profit — then we find out why the stereotype exists. That’s more important than picking apart every individual component of each stereotype. Once we grasp why it exists, the entire body of lies automatically loses credibility. So whenever a Fem is tempted to treat a Butch as the stereotype, she should realize that, whether she wants to or not, she’s doing it on men’s behalf. Hopefully that will make it clear to her that she must stop. If she refuses to stop oppressing Butches because she doesn’t want her own Fem privilege to be threatened, she should realize that her actions are ultimately supporting men to go on abusing herself as a female and Lesbian.

Butches need to become more aware of Fem privilege and Butch oppression, not in a self-hating way, but by realizing how we’re oppressed and by caring about the oppression of other Butches. Part of that means developing solidarity with other Butches and unlearning the Lesbian-hatred that leads to valuing Fems more. The old pattern of being attracted to and falling in love with manipulative, game-playing, “attractive” extreme Fems doesn’t hurt only ourselves, it hurts other Butches as well. It’s essential to not fall for the thrill of Fem flirtation that has no love or real caring behind it. That also means fighting the urge to be trusting and protective of Fems who are actually being oppressive to you or others. For some Butches, that means changing a lifetime of believing that the most feminine Lesbians are the most female-identified. It means being true to your own self and to all Dyke-identified Dykes, Butch and Fem.

Dyke-identified Fem friends and lovers can be true and trusted allies to Butches, as the authors of this book prove. Reacting with rage towards all Fems doesn’t help fight Fem privilege. It can make things worse, as well as being unfair. Dyke-identified Fems shouldn’t get the brunt of a Butch’s lifetime of very understandable anger about Butch oppression. Extreme Fems usually make sure they’re not around to deal with any of it. It also doesn’t help to insist your lover is Butch when she isn’t. (Both Butches and Fems do this.) Dyke-loving Fems can love and support our Butch friends and lovers best by supporting and encouraging their resistance to Butch oppression, and by rejecting femininity.

Lesbians who haven’t challenged their internalized anti-Lesbian attitudes are less able to be emotionally open and intimate with other Lesbians, because of the fear that Lesbian-hatred causes. Real intimacy with Dyke friends and lovers requires acknowledgment, acceptance, and pride in our Lesbianism. Dyke joy and intensity, love, and well-being are our rewards. To remain lesbophobic is to leave in place barriers to intimacy that no amount of therapy or drugs can ever get rid of. Only Lesbian-identified politics, which means really caring about other Dykes will remove those barriers.

Endnotes

¹ Our politics about Dyke Separatism, strong Dyke-identity, and Butch oppression made an international Dyke connection for us and is how Linda and Bev met Ruston.

Ruston: From when I came out, I was aware of a feeling of “similar” or “opposites” in Lesbians’ friendships and lover relationships, including my own. However, I still believed “roles were in the past” and denied Butches’ existence. But several Lesbians courageously came out to me as Butch over the years, and as my understanding of Lesbian (including Never-het and Old Dyke [Lesbians who came out before the Women’s Liberation Movement]) oppression grew, it became clear Butches were oppressed. Even while recognizing I was a Fem, I found that the game-playing of other Fems badly affected me. I met no-one who shared these politics until reading Bev’s article “Roles: Butch and Femme” in 1982 in the Lesbian Insider/Insighter/Inciter (U.S.A.).

Bev: In the U.S., with the support of a few other Separatists, including my best friend Linda, I came to the same conclusions. I wrote an article in the original Lesbian Insider/Insighter/Inciter about roles (No.5, Minneapolis, Minnesota, November 1981). Even though I presented the topic in a cautious, exploratory way, the article was met with hostility by many Lesbians. Ruston, who was also a Separatist, saw my article and wrote to me to share support. Ruston dared to say that she knew that Fems were in the privileged position in relation to Butches, which supported my and Linda’s ideas.

Linda: By 1983, I was alarmed by the increase of overt femininity and Butch-hatred among “radical” Lesbians, and by the resulting pain and damage to Dykes I love. I wrote an earlier version of what is now Part II of this chapter, “The Big Sell-Out: Lesbian Femininity,” which was printed in Lesbian Ethics, Vol. 1, No. 3, Fall, 1985. Together the three of us wrote the sequel, (which was partly based on an unpublished article of Ruston’s), printed in Lesbian Ethics, Vol. 2, No. 2, Fall, 1986, as “Heterosexism Causes Lesbophobia Causes Butch-Phobia,” now incorporated into Parts I and III of this chapter.

² Coming Up, San Francisco, California, November 1988.

³ Tracy McDonald, review of “Behind the Curtains,” off our backs, 17:8, Aug./Sept. 1978, 19.

⁴ Elena Popp, “First Encuentro of Feminist Lesbians,” off our backs, 18:3, March 1988, 32.

⁵ De Clarke, “Femme and Butch: A Readers’ Forum” Lesbian Ethics, 2:2, Fall 1986, 96.

⁶ Wilson Key, Media Sexploitation (Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1976), 24-26.

⁷ Tony Bizjak, “The Hip Social Manifesto: New Dictums of the ‘Politically Correct.’” San Francisco Chronicle, March 17, 1989, B3. Bizjak includes a list describing “P.C.” versus “P.I.” positions, ridiculing people who say “Persons of Color” rather than “minorities,” and “Asian” instead of “Oriental.” He says it’s “P.C.” to have a “housemaid named Bob” rather than a “housemaid named Maria,” to be for “affirmative action” instead of claiming “reverse discrimination,” and to be for “animal rights” instead of “animal deaths.”

⁸ Research by Karen Stevens, The Reactor, A Publication for the Environmentally Sensitive 4.1, Jan.-Feb. 1989, (P.O. Box 575, Corte Madera, CA 94925, U.S.A.), 2.

The original version of this article was published in the Fall 1985
issue of the journal Lesbian Ethics. I have not updated it, except for
one bracketed paragraph. Many thanks to Alix, my lover,
for helping me revise this article for clarity.

Defining Lesbians Out of Existence

PART TWO

 The Pretenders

Better to Be Anything than a Lesbian:

“Transmen” Are Still Women

Shouldn’t anyone be able to do what they want? Too many women seem to have lost touch with reality in this liberal/right wing era of “You create your own reality.” That dangerous philosophy has been used against victims, whether those who get cancer to those who are raped. But carrying it to the extent of believing someone has the power to fundamentally change who they are rather than changing the system that oppresses us is taking it to a terrible new extreme.

If I insist that I am a different race or species other than who I truly am, would you accept me as that? Should you? Well, no, not if anyone is being hurt by that delusion.

How many Lesbians who would never accept someone saying they have changed their race or species, believe that sex change is possible? Why that difference, other than that being female counts for very little in patriarchy and the general attitude is that we are possessions of males and patriarchy?

It’s interesting that until they have been brainwashed and bullied into accepting the cult line, most women’s first reaction to a man saying he’s a woman, or a woman saying she’s a man, is refusal to buy the lie. Being able to change sex is very much the story of The Emperor’s New Clothes. It’s a mass delusion. (Some MTF trans-activists are aware of this and so make up elaborate pseudo-scientific explanations that they are actually intersex, but true intersex people are a small minority and also are furious at MTFs, want no contact, and work to expose their lies.)

If patriarchy can’t kill us outright, then they co-opt and confuse us. They make us want to become our own enemy. Female-hatred and Lesbian-hatred lead many women to think that trying to change gender will be the easier way out. Or, as a woman in a documentary said about why she wanted to become a man, “It’s better than being an old woman.”

Notice that this individual didn’t even bother with the “I always felt like a boy” crap. It was clearly a cold, calculating decision based on measuring privilege gained versus oppression lost.

Many FTMs use the same bullying tactics as MTFs, but I will not use male pronouns for them any more than I will use our pronouns for men — just as I would not agree to mass hallucinations and demands that we call men “birds” or “lizards.” It’s wrong and, basically, it’s ridiculous.  (And yes, some people do pay for extensive plastic surgery to look like other animals.)

It’s an honor to be called female. I will not insult FTMs with male pronouns. Males as a group are our enemy in this patriarchy, and I am not ready to call these women my enemy.  l feel a huge difference with them compared to how I feel with MTFs. They are still women, no matter how they alter themselves. Everything about them still appears female to me, in spite of their exterior — which says to me how different they are from men claiming to be women, because MTFs feel far more male to me than many het men do. There is something much deeper than hormones going on. MTFs are as narcissistic, predatory, and nasty as the worst men. I have never seen women groping women in public and refusing to take “no” for an answer the way I have seen MTFs.  FTMs are still female. Nothing can change that.

FTMs are self-hating females who mistakenly think they are rare in hating or feeling uncomfortable in their female bodies. Who wouldn’t, after being exposed to the horrific grotesque media images of objectified, pornified plastic women from when we are born, as well as all of us suffering some form of sexual assault?

I have known so many Lesbians who committed suicide because of oppression. “Transitioning” feels like a variation on suicide, except for the increased privilege. But already some have had regrets. Some are wanting to come back to being accepted as women and back into the Lesbian community. For all the misogynist propaganda in patriarchy, some of these women are realizing what many of us have known all along: There is nothing better than being a female.  And certainly nothing better than being a Lesbian.

But until they do return to us, FTMs are betraying us. We are not afraid of them, we are not “phobic” about them – they oppress us. And we have the right to fight that. It’s like arguing with a religious fanatic – no thinking allowed. Of course you are not allowed to say any of this without punishment.

Some FTMs do seem like men in one way, though, which is when they don’t take “no” for an answer. Many Lesbians want female-only (Lesbian-only even better) space, without castrated men, or women who call themselves men or bois or any of the bizarre variations they come up with. FTMs still assume and demand that they have access to the Lesbian communities they betrayed.

I Love Lesbians

 I’m proud to be a Lesbian. I have never wanted to be anything else. That’s why I’ve been surprised and upset by the increasing number of Lesbians who are deciding to become “men” or believe that they already are “men.” A lot clearly are simply trying to avoid oppression or want male privilege. One FTM said for her reasons for “transitioning” were, “I want more chicks and better jobs.”

When it’s that shallow, it can be easier to not care about them. But some of these women claiming to be men have heart-wrenching stories that can convince all but the most politically aware. So what’s wrong with someone doing what she wants to do with her life and body? Well, that is the liberal erosion of politics and community that makes everything all right. Where do you draw the line?

For me, it’s the point at which they undermine and hurt those I love. I love Lesbians. Lesbians are my people, my heart and soul. And we are an oppressed people. It seems like almost everyone in the world demands our love, support, time, energy, money, etc., even though, as a people, we are an oppressed group with less access to resources than men or anyone connected to men with their higher incomes and privilege. Part of what I love about Lesbians is our open hearts and generosity. But when Lesbians help non-Lesbians to our detriment, I have to protest.

We have almost no female-only space left, and we have had very little Lesbian-only space. It should be the right of all oppressed people to be with our own away from those who oppress us, don’t understand us, objectify us, use us. When we had a lot of female-only space in the Seventies, that was the time when we had a vibrant, creative Lesbian community and we felt at home at last. No more leering men harassing or threatening us. Our own space is crucial for many reasons.

But the goal of the liberal and reactionary politics of the trans movement is to destroy female-only space and Lesbian community. MTFs want what we have and want access to us, as most men do, and in the process they destroy what little we have.

If FTMs want to no longer be us, then why do they demand access to our rare space, trying to destroy it?  Why do they still want what they had as women, while insisting they are men? Why do they participate in supporting the ridiculous and insulting term “cis” and the other co-opting techniques that MTFs use to harm us. Why don’t they just leave us the fuck alone?

I think it’s because they don’t get what they want, from love to acceptance to community, from men and het women. Never being able to really be what a man is, they mostly are not treated as real men. And then there’s the narcissism factor, which permeates the trans movement. It seems to be all about their performance, their being on show. “Look at me!” is not the same without an audience. They are just one more balding, hairy man, though usually quite short and often with warbly voices. They are not trendy and seemingly the center of attention, unlike at a Lesbian event where they can posture and pose with their shirts off. The young ones, who appear to some as trendy at first, seem to age quickly beyond their years. And, of course, they are missing what real men value the most, no matter how much money they spend and how much inadequate surgery they get. Most of becoming an FTM seems to be about being trendy, cool, and cultish. And this cult is based on the worship of maleness.

That gets back to the mystery for me. Why on earth would anyone want to identify as or become a man?  Men, as a group, are the nasty cruel people who molest and sexually assault most girls and women, as well as torture and kill animals for fun. As a group, men are destroying the world. They build their weapons to look like their ugly pricks. They pollute and contaminate the earth, air, and water to mark their territory. In spite of the intense patriarchal media propaganda, even many men think their pricks are “disgusting.”¹ I have yet to hear of a girl or woman who thought they were lovely on first viewing. (Yes, some later learn to love them as women also learn to love being tortured for pleasure, but really, that is part of the cult of male worship and is not innate, natural, or understandable.)

So there is what men do, and then there is what men are. None of a female wanting to be male makes sense if it wasn’t for wanting as much privilege as possible — or to be safer from sexual assault by men.

I do understand wanting to escape how badly females are treated in patriarchy. Of course, any female in her right mind would not want to grow up with the oppression girls get and would want access to the many privileges that boys and men are given. I certainly hated all the ways I was victimized for being a girl. But I never wanted to be a boy. Boys were those nasty, cruel small men who were obscene, tormented girls, and tortured animals. I loved other girls and they were my community.

Finding Lesbian Feminism made all the difference for me when I was a teenager. So I still do not comprehend why any female would so love males and maleness that she wants to become one – not that she can. I mean, really, it has to be clear to everyone that, aside from superficial appearances, no one can change sex any more than they can change species. And certainly the surgery that women get to become male doesn’t even come close to working. It’s all a big con, in which the big pharmaceutical industry, doctors, hospitals, psychiatrists, and then the patriarchal news media is making a fortune, once again on the bodies of women. For the women who try this, the cancer rate and other damaging health effects will be astronomical. (This is often what happens when women hand themselves over to male doctors for unnecessary plastic surgery.) But the real harm is to our women’s communities where the “new men” still demand entrance to women only space, while being contemptuous of us for still being women. New cliques have been created of FTM trannies and their admiring followers. But worse than that, young girls are now being pressured by their families, psychologists, and even governments into having surgery and hormones, affecting them irreparably. And it’s more than losing breasts or growing hair –their endrocrine system is damaged, and their facial and other bone structure is changed permanently.

One FTM told me she didn’t want to be a woman because she didn’t want to be raped any more. She’d had enough. She was trying to change the definition – the reality — of maleness by declaring she would be a different kind of man. I asked her, “Isn’t that going to trick women into trusting men when it’s not safe to?” She didn’t know how to answer. Should we then become fundamentalist christians, or nazi or klan members to give the world nice versions of dangerous bigots? Trying to become your enemy is no answer or solution for gynocide or genocide. That doesn’t stop evil. And it doesn’t make sense. It’s the philosophy of a cult member.

Who Would Want to Be an Oppressed Person If They Had a Choice?

I don’t believe any woman would even consider wanting to become a man if it wasn’t for patriarchy’s war on all females, where very few escape sexual assault in girlhood or later as adults.

If you can ignore the self-hatred involved, it could be tempting to want to become your oppressor rather than be oppressed. But then you would also have to be hateful towards others who share your oppression, breaking solidarity and community. That is how patriarchy in its most horrible forms does work. That’s where people betray themselves and those who share their oppression on behalf of their enemy. That is how resistance movements are crushed and cultures destroyed.

Through media propaganda, oppressed people are taught to despise themselves and value/admire/emulate qualities of their oppressor. This was once common knowledge among many people, including Lesbian Feminists. Patriarchy is full of images of people selling themselves out to be trendy and popular, and to simply fit in and feel “normal.” Even in oppressed communities, anyone who looks more natural gets harassed and told they are ugly and wrong, and how they should change themselves, although doing that makes them look unnatural and injures their health. (Michael Jackson is one example of the extremes an oppressed person will go to in order to stop being subjected to racism.) This self-help solution to oppression also creates multi-billion dollar businesses. In the Sixties and Seventies, there was more pride for oppressed people, just as there was more pride for Lesbians of all backgrounds to be out and look like Lesbians. But these are reactionary times. And those who don’t know their own history are condemned to repeat it.

One of the main tricks of the trans movement and their supporters is to present trannies as more oppressed than anyone else could possibly know or be. Suddenly, men who grew up with all the privilege of het men, many with salaries far higher than most women can get, and married for decades with children — as connected to the power structure as possible — are said to be far more oppressed than any Lesbian. Similarly, FTMs who grew up fitting in as “normal” girls and who did not feel like freaks, who were “feminine” in male-defined terms and/or who were acceptably het, are said to be far more oppressed than lifelong or Never-het Lesbians or Butches.

Recently, I was at a Lesbian brunch where I was told that I had no idea what it was like to grow up knowing I was different and never, ever feeling I fit in. This Lesbian was lecturing me on how much more oppressed FTMs are than I could possibly imagine, yet she herself was extremely feminine and no one seeing her would dream she was a Lesbian except that she was at this Lesbian event. She was giving me the cult line while completely ignoring who I am. She was objectifying me because anyone who looks at me can tell immediately that I had never fit in as a “normal,” proper feminine girl. I look like an obvious Dyke and I have always felt like an outsider because I hated and rejected male-identified “femininity.” I am a lifelong Lesbian and Butch. I had no politics or words for how I felt growing up – not one book or film that showed Lesbians in anything other than the most horrible, degrading, terrifying stereotypes. You certainly couldn’t turn on the television like now, and see much-loved public Lesbians. It was uncomfortable and humiliating when I was forced to wear dresses or skirts and look the unnatural ways it was demanded that girls look. This was a case, at that brunch, of a more privileged Lesbian oppressing a less privileged Lesbian on behalf of FTMs who had betrayed us both.

Further proof that transsexualism is more privileged than being Lesbian or even gay men is that it is welcomed and encouraged in such a religious fundamentalist country as Iran, where being a Lesbian or gay man is a crime punished by death.  The method of eliminating all Lesbians and gay men in Iran is to force them to change their sex (or to appear to.)  More sex change surgeries are performed in Iran than any country other than Thailand, and they are actually paid for by the government.

The fact that transsexualism is so welcomed by such a religious country that is so incredibly destructive to Lesbians, does make me think that some US government funding and support is being given to the trans movement. This certainly wouldn’t be the first time that the US government deliberately tried to destroy and co-opt radical movements.²

  Why Would Any Girl Want to Be a Girl in Patriarchy?

I hated femininity as a girl. I had no Feminist politics and awareness, but I hated everything my family, school, and church pushed on me that was supposed to be for girls. I hated being humiliated by boys when they pushed me down at school to look at my underwear. I hated that they could have their shirts off in the summer while I was verbally assaulted by a boy when I was 4 because I dared to be outside with my shirt off. Our chests looked the same, but he humiliated me anyway, to teach me that girls weren’t allowed to be as free as boys. I hated dolls and being told I would have to marry a man and have babies. (I got my mother to shut up by threatening to become a nun.) I hated when my mother put my hair in curlers, which made trying to sleep painful, and put me in shoes that hurt, and sent me to school in a dress that was indecent for a little girl.

But I also loved girls and NEVER wanted to be a boy. I didn’t hate being a girl – I hated male-defined femininity. I hated the humiliation that came with being a girl and how constrained we were. I hated most boys and men for their cruelty, except for my father. Adult male relatives and neighbors were often prurient, drunk, and violent. I can remember how my friends were afraid of their fathers, and one friend obviously was being sexually assaulted by her brothers. (This wasn’t an unusually dangerous place – this was a “nice” working class neighborhood with tract houses in a Midwestern suburb.)  So I don’t understand any female wanting to become one of them. Why? As I said, it makes as much sense to me as a Lesbian wanting to join the klan or another openly evil organization. Where is their loyalty to girls, women, and Lesbians?

But of course a dramatic change in privilege is attractive. A friend told me how happy her ex was, now that she had become a man, but, really, who wouldn’t feel better with such a massive increase in privilege? At a reading for her book, “Body Alchemy,” FTM Loren Cameron described how, as what appeared to be a working class older man, she was treated with respect by the female and gay male staff of a San Francisco clothing store – but when an obvious Butch came into the store, all the staff ridiculed her. And, of course, as we age, old men get far more respect and privilege than old women.

In a documentary, a Lesbian described how much better her life was as a man. She was more accepted at work and by her lover’s family. Her lover’s father said how angry he’d been that his daughter was a Lesbian, but now his daughter was “normal” because her lover had become a “man.”  As he said, “It’s better than being a Lesbian.”

But what is the most disturbing is that young girls are being pressured to become transsexuals. I saw a documentary in England about girls who didn’t want the male-defined feminine role that patriarchy insists we conform to. The girls liked the comfortable and more protective clothes made for boys instead of skirts and dresses, and they liked doing the active things that boys are allowed to do rather than playing with make-up and hair styles, posing, and flirting with boys.  Instead of understanding that being naturally female includes liking to do things considered male, and that femininity in patriarchal cultures is actually a male invention, the girls were encouraged to believe that they were really males inside of females’ bodies. One of the English girls went with her family to Amsterdam to enroll in the Dutch transsexual program so she could begin treatment, which included a hysterectomy, a double mastectomy, surgery to alter her vulva, and daily injections of testosterone – all before she reached puberty.   Nothing was said about what if these girls changed their minds later. And not once was the word “Lesbian” ever mentioned as a possible alternative to explain their feelings. No other explanations were suggested either – not even basic Feminist ideas about gender equality.

Around the same time, a friend sent me a taping of a U.S. radio program in which a mother described her little girl wishing she were a boy from the age of three. Again, everything the girl said about why she wanted to be accepted as a boy made sense in the context of male privilege. She’d been disappointed when her grandmother gave her a frilly dress for her birthday, so she asked her mother, “Why don’t you tell grandma I’m not the kind of girl who wears dresses?”  When that didn’t work, she tried, “Why don’t you tell her I’m a boy?” When the girl was six, her mother told her she couldn’t be a boy since she didn’t have a penis, so she said she wanted one. If the conversation had ended there, that would have been used by the transsexual lobby as proof that the girl truly wanted to be male. But when her mother explained to her what a penis was, the girl said she didn’t want one. Still, her mother, who seemed unusually aware and caring, explained to the interviewer how she’d accepted, with “professional” help, that her daughter was a transsexual and would have to face surgery, testosterone injections, etc.  Again, not once was gender equality or the word “Lesbian” mentioned.

I don’t know why I’m surprised that many hets would prefer that girls mutilate themselves and damage their health rather than become Lesbians. But why is this also happening among Lesbians?

Wiping out females certainly seems to be the goal of the trans movement. FTMs and their Lesbian-hating supporters are trying to appropriate every female who fought against male oppression, from Teena Brandon to Joan of Arc. I saw from the beginning that the trans movement used Teena Brandon, like they do so much else. Teenaged Teena Brandon was a young Butch in a terrible situation in a small town in Nebraska who changed her name to Brandon Teena so she could pass as male to survive and to be able to love other women — as so many women have done throughout history. When she was found out, a group of men raped and murdered her. The only quote I’ve read by an actual friend of hers described her as a “Lesbian.” The interviews I saw with her friend and mother also showed clearly that she identified as a Lesbian, not as a man. But everything I’ve read and heard since in the gay/queer and mainstream media describes her as a “Female to Male Transsexual.” Transsexuals simply have stolen her for their own use and are again re-writing our Lesbian history. I wish she could speak for herself.

Liars know that if you say a lie often enough, it’s believed. The right wing, from Josef Goebbels to Karl Rove, used this tactic successfully.

What those who push transsexual politics forget is that many of us know what most males are and hate them as a group for their violence and raping. Many females have passed as male to survive, and they’re more likely to know about how disgusting males can be and so would never want to actually identify as one permanently. But then many, if not most, FTMs grew up obeying the male rule of femininity.

Self-betrayal for Privilege

Some females take the privileged way out by choosing to be with men while others choose to be with females but identify as “men.” I believe both those choices mean self-betrayal and betrayal of other females.

Too many females believe the simplistic lies we are told that keep patriarchy and heterosexuality going – such as that we’re all supposed to be heterosexual. But I don’t believe any female is naturally heterosexual. If we were, why are we so relentlessly pressured to believe what is an obvious lie? Again, this mass delusion acts like a cult where you are not to dare question it – or if you do, you will be severely punished.

The patriarchal power structure and every individual male benefits by females choosing to be het. Even gay men benefit from the het patriarchal power structure that’s based on keeping women in a subservient position and which gives higher wages and other privileges to men.

We’ve had heterosexuality shoved down our throats as soon as we were born — from the media to families to schools to religion – but that doesn’t make it true. Look at what else they lie to us about. How many know the real story about “the birds and the bees?” Their euphemism for human reproduction is a lie. You are unlikely to ever see a heterosexual or even male honeybee. Honeybees have an almost all-female society in which the “queen” only creates a tiny amount of males when starting a new hive and those males live for just a day. The “queen” has only one het experience, from which she produces her multitude of Never-het daughters. Ants are bee relatives (Hymenoptera) who also are almost all female. You might occasionally see a winged male ant, but he doesn’t live long, and the rest are all female. True sisterhoods, ants and bees give their lives for each other and feed each other intimately from their mouths. Yet children are indoctrinated with animated movies about male bees and ants. Was it a coincidence that one of the most popular of these movies had the main character voiced by a famous child molester?

Finding the truth in the maze of lies makes it much harder to not internalize the Lesbian-hating that they teach us. Many species of animals live in female communities and they know to keep out the males because the male are rapists and murderers of the babies.

If you ever doubt how patriarchy has invaded almost every woman’s mind, notice how most women refer to animals they don’t know as “he.” Some even call obviously female animals “he.” Making maleness the norm reflects deep acceptance of male rule and lies, including the inferiority of females. Real Feminists stop participating in this. It also reflects how few women question or are even aware of patriarchal mind control.

Het brainwashing is also the norm. I saw my friends in high school working very hard to make themselves feel attracted to boys. It didn’t come naturally, like their attractions to girls did. Of course most women today say they love being het, but notice how focused the media is on training all females what to feel so they can fit in. Just a few decades ago, it was common knowledge that most women made a reluctant deal to be fucked by their husbands in exchange for having security and het privilege. Many, if not most women, make a cold economic decision to marry men so they won’t live in extreme poverty. This form of legal prostitution used to be common knowledge until the Twentieth Century media bombarded women with the propaganda to marry for “love.” But I still hear women talk about marrying men simply to increase their standard of living. Women would be far less compelled to marry otherwise, which is why we can never expect true equal rights in patriarchy.

These days, males have had to learn some tricks to keep females entertained, but they still can’t love the way a female can – no matter how much “Lesbian” porn they watch.

I can remember making the choice to be a Lesbian when I was three – I didn’t need to know the word “Lesbian” to live my life as one, although most of us do hear the word “queer” while growing up.  In this era, when people are often told the outrageous idea that they choose to get cancer by having the wrong attitude, the mainstream as well as Gay media line is that we don’t have a choice about being Lesbian or Gay. The cult line is: “We hate being queer and would do anything to be normal like you, but we were born this way, so pity poor pathetic us and give us equal rights.” It’s as if the entire beginning of the Lesbian Feminist movement never happened. Yet, it’s obvious that we do make choices since most Lesbians once chose to be heterosexual. And many ex-het Lesbian Feminists used to make it clear that they chose to be Lesbian as a political decision. 

So, if being het isn’t natural, why do so many women choose it?  Notice how many people will betray themselves in other ways when the alternative is to be unpopular, criticized, and ridiculed. There’s also the higher standard of living that males provide, but choosing to be intimate with men is like choosing death over life. What other group almost entirely chooses to be so intimately involved with their oppressor, even to the point of reproducing their oppressor? And then most women become heavily invested in the continuation of patriarchy, supporting males over females. When anti-Feminists say that women can be as cruel as men, they forget to notice that those are usually the women who’ve chosen to be dedicated to males – sometimes so much so that they will protect their rapist husband, boyfriend, or son over their victim daughter. Feminist arguments in defense of such women, saying how they are trapped and can’t leave their abusive men ignore that the same women would leave immediately if their husband/boyfriend brought home another woman to fuck.

Being het means being accepted by society, family, and strangers in a way that Lesbians are never fully accepted. With few exceptions, we are excluded from almost any media representation of love or relationships. Harassment and ridicule in schools is constant. I’ve known women who hated the thought of having children, do it in a desperate attempt to finally be accepted and loved by their Lesbian-hating families. Never underestimate the desire to be “normal,” and never underestimate the deep shame many feel for being Lesbians. That explains FTMs as well as all the unhappy het and bisexual women.

And then of course, most women have no idea of who Lesbians really are. Even many celibate Radical Feminists have become so disconnected from their hearts. When they hear or read “Lesbian,” they think of sex, rather than love. Their awareness of the heart connection that draws us to each other seems to be lost. When I asked an acquaintance if she was a Lesbian, she said she’d tried it when her ex-husband had once brought home another woman for a three-way. She didn’t like it, so no, she wasn’t a Lesbian. An actor who was asked if she’d ever tried being a Lesbian said that she had once, but when the other woman put on a dildo, it repulsed her. These examples have nothing to do with Lesbianism, but show how sordid, repulsive, male fantasies and male propaganda affect and control women.

The Myth of FTMs Being Butch

 What has been heart-breaking to so many Lesbians is the belief that we are losing Lesbians, and particularly Butches, to “becoming” men. But this is a myth. Most of the Lesbians I’ve seen “transitioning” are Fem, though they try hard to present as male. This isn’t as strange as it sounds since “femininity,” as we know it in patriarchy, is a male-defined, male-identified invention devised to confuse and weaken females. It’s unnatural and artificial, and, so, in that way, is not so different from identifying as an FTM.

Some women go through bizarre lengths with plastic surgery to look acceptable to male standards, while others just try to look male, but I believe it’s the flip side of the same coin and is rooted in male-worship and self-hatred. Della (Volcano) Grace the photographer/pornographer/trans-activist is an example. At first, she gets breast implants to fit in more with the male image of women, and then has them cut off and becomes a “man.”

I’ve also seen a “Radical Feminist” collaborative site, run by a het woman (there’s an extreme contradiction) which allows Butch-hating comments, such as the myth that FTMs are Butch, but which censors any attempt to say the truth. When a Butch member of the group posted my short article about FTMs, she was banned. Again, who does this Butch-hating, Lesbian-hating serve?

I believe that a lot of the insistence that it’s Butches transitioning is rooted in Butch-hatred – believing that Butches are more like men and unnatural anyway. The more het-identified and more Fem-identified a Lesbian is, the more likely she is to believe this. Meanwhile, Lesbian-identified, Lesbian-loving Lesbians, whether Butch or Fem, whether Never-het or ex-het, know that Butches are closer to what all females would be without patriarchal rules and indoctrination. Butches are the Lesbians who break most of the rules of what a “real” woman, a male-identified woman who obeys male orders, is supposed to be.

When Butches are treated as equals and with respect in Lesbian communities, then you know that is a strongly Lesbian-identified and Lesbian-loving community. (I’ve never seen this, but if you have, please tell me!)

In Loren Cameron’s book, “Body Alchemy,” the “before” photos of those who’ve become FTMs look Fem – not drag queen-style Fems, but certainly not Butch. Some of the YouTube videos of FTMs that I’ve seen also show extremely feminine-looking women before they begin to take testosterone. It’s interesting how similar they look to photos on internet sites by MTFs claiming to be Lesbian Butches – and I have never seen an MTF look remotely Butch. Many FTMs also show their shared culture with gay men and the genderqueer community by having picked up pretentious exaggerated gay male mannerisms.

Chaz Bono also looks clearly Fem in her earlier photos. (She seems to be a sad case of never feeling accepted as a Lesbian by her mother, and so I wonder how much that affected her decision to “transition.” Not to mention that her bisexual lover will now feel more comfortable as well.)

A new trend is occurring among FTMs: Many of the women who want to be men have been so brainwashed into worshipping males that they want to both be male and be sexual with men. Many of the early FTMs, such as “Patrick” Califia and Loren Cameron are now identifying as “gay men.” It’s also a myth that all FTMs are Lesbians since some are ex-het Lesbians who have gone back to men and are therefore actually het or bisexual women. Some of these women are doing a mind-fuck on gay men too, by identifying as gay men. A lot of FTMs are a new, trendy version of fag hags — het or bisexual women who want to be fucked by gay men (which I’ve heard that gay men describe as having a “bonus hole.”) The result has been some FTMs becoming pregnant and/or getting AIDS.

Re-writing our past is also hurting us. I know a Butch who was two years old in 1970, yet she angrily repeats the myth that Butches were badly treated in the Lesbian Feminist community in the Bay Area. It doesn’t matter to her that I was here and know it’s not true, and she wasn’t.

There was also a TV movie trilogy that included a story about how young Lesbian Feminists in the Seventies harassed one of their group for becoming lovers with a Butch. They looked silly and not like any Lesbian Feminists I ever saw, and the “Butch” was played by a feminine woman. I am Butch and I was a radical Lesbian Feminist from 1970 on. Who does re-writing our history hurt and who does it help? It’s propaganda against the most radical of Lesbians and reminds me of the lies spread about Lesbian Separatists. Of course, some newly out, ex-het Feminists were Butch-hating, but so are many anti-feminist Fems in the Butch/Fem role-playing community. I find their sexual objectification and sense of ownership of Butches and desire to use us more offensive. It actually reminds me of how men treat women — as if we belong to them.

It’s true that Lesbian Feminists mostly are against role playing, but that isn’t the same as being anti-Butch. I’m also against role-playing. (For me, identifying as Butch is like identifying my class background, and is about fighting role playing, which means resisting patriarchal orders to be feminine.)  What I saw in my old community was that Butches like Pat Parker and Judy Grahn and Willyce Kim were loved and respected, and that the now ridiculed and vilified tradition of wearing flannel shirts and jeans was wonderful support to all of us who had grown up being humiliated by being forced into wearing dresses and other revealing and uncomfortable feminine clothing by our families or even just to be allowed to go to school. 

Notice how males in the media are allowed to look relaxed and natural, and how even the ugliest men are considered attractive, while women are expected to be in pain and look like caricatures in order to not be ridiculed.

It was such a relief being in a community where most Lesbians looked like Lesbians – unlike now where many Lesbians will say even about Dykey Fems, “She’s so ugly, she looks like a man.” Patriarchal influences had always been there, with male worshipping and admiration of male-created femininity, but now it began to be more open and bragged about. Instead of pride in looking like visible Dykes, more Lesbians reverted to passing as het. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that sado-masochism and porn began to be trendy. The first three books I know of that were about “Lesbian” sexuality were actually written by bisexuals, and were Lesbian-hating in their het-minded focus. Instead of being proud to be Lesbians, and looking and acting like a Lesbians, too many imitated and valued male and het women’s male ideas more. This supported the return to male-identified femininity, as well as directly leading to the trend of Lesbians wanting to become “men.”

Males’ obsession is to mark territory, whether by rape, by ownership of females or of other cultures, by war, and by genocide. Being a Lesbian is about love, loving another female deeply enough to risk the hatred and danger that comes from such a revolutionary act. Lesbians threaten patriarchy at its tedious, evil core. When Lesbians agree with male rules that we’re only about sex, it reveals how linked they are to male ways of thinking. And in spite of anti-Lesbian lies from the male-identified in the old Lesbian “sex wars,” true Lesbian love is far more exciting and passionate than the boring, disconnected sex which imitates hets and male objectification. The irony is that Lesbian “sex radicals” are in reality pathetically mainstream and submissive to male rules and restrictions. But the damage done to individual Lesbians and our communities is real.

We early Lesbian Feminists questioned and rejected the unnatural “feminine” role men set up for us where we’re expected to alter our voices, body size and posture, wear demeaning clothing that make us more vulnerable to harassment and attack, wear shoes that damage our feet and backs, and that prevent us from running or defending ourselves, mask our faces with lurid toxic chemicals, alter our hair texture and color with chemicals, burn, cut, or electrolysize our natural facial and body hair, etc. – all in order to be “normal” and “feminine.”  We understood that we were expected to give up our dignity in how we look and act because only men are really allowed to be their natural selves. (For those who think things are much better than in the past, picture a man in the role of a woman in a movie, using the same gestures, expressions, and movements, and wearing the same ridiculous shoes and restricting revealing clothes. Animated films for kids are even more revealing in pushing female stereotypes, which is training girls for their roles.  Animation of animals is probably the most extreme. Contrast those female-hating caricatures with how real wild animals act and it becomes clear just how false femininity is.)

Even many Lesbians believe these lies.  I’ve seen Lesbians too often describe such ugly, unnatural femininity as “beautiful” or “hot,” while describing natural females as “ugly” or “masculine.” Many females will do almost anything to not look naturally female (Lesbian) because that’s interpreted as being “male” and “masculine.”  Even some of the few who are openly against femininity still accept the propaganda by describing themselves and others as “masculine,” when, in actuality, being a Lesbian is as far from that as possible.  Looking like a Lesbian isn’t masculine – and it’s not feminine by patriarchal definition either. Both are male-invented terms. We are above and beyond both – unthinkable and free – unless we fall for the lies. Not enough Lesbians allow themselves to think past all the lies. Yet it’s not so hard.

The reclaiming of the worship of male-defined femininity and the accompanying role-playing and sado-masochism in the late Seventies did not feel at all liberating for many Lesbians. It felt like our precious community was being undermined and destroyed. Equally frustrating is hearing Fems from that era saying how oppressed they were by the pressure to look like Lesbians. They had the whole world supporting them in following male rules, but they wanted to impose their patriarchal values on our beleaguered communities.  And those values are so entrenched that many Lesbians think Lesbians who look like drag queens are more attractive than Lesbians who look like Dykes. Personally, I loved seeing all those short-haired Dykes in flannel shirts and jeans.  I still do.

Sometimes Lesbians will say, “Well, how does a Lesbian look anyway?”  It’s true that many Lesbians look no different from het women, but there is clearly a recognizable Lesbian look, which means looking more Butch and which means you’re more likely to get harassed on the street or be unable to get a job. But it’s also a way to identify a stranger as one of our own, and is the way we’ve been able to find each other through the ages and across all cultural lines. If we all looked like Lesbians, het could no longer pretend they don’t know any of us or aren’t aware of us.That would be easier on all of us to not be so singled out in Lesbian-hating ways. Every Lesbian who is out benefits all Lesbians, as a culture and individually.

If we refuse to believe anti-Lesbian and anti-Butch lies, then we’ll help make the world and our communities a safer place for females to be our natural selves, and we’ll make it easier for girls and adult females to not think that they have to torture their bodies, including “changing their sex,” in order to be accepted.  It also helps to know that being a Lesbian is a choice. I think that it’s the natural state of all females, but because of growing up with the tremendous patriarchal pressure to be het, many go against their nature – which means that it takes a lot of courage to choose to be a Lesbian. In spite of the oppression we get, and harassment and attacks, and in spite of not usually even having the support of our families and neighborhoods that other oppressed groups get growing up, I can’t imagine giving up how wonderful it is to be a Lesbian – not for any privilege in the world.

Saying we choose to be Lesbians gives us pride in ourselves and gives us the power to change mistakes. Instead of begging for acceptance or wanting to be something we’re not (whether it’s being het or trying to be male), we can know the revolutionary truth that being a Lesbian is the best choice of all.

Endnotes

 1. On the “Survivor” television show, macho “Boston Rob” referred to another man’s body showing in his revealing tight underwear as “disgusting.”

 2. Don’t assume this attempted destruction of Lesbian community is just coincidental.  Sometimes I forget how deep a threat we are to the mainstream culture and government which represents patriarchy in our immediate lives. What better way to wipe us out than to make the definition of Lesbian become meaningless and to support the introduction of our enemies into our last remaining spaces as a Trojan horse strategy? African American Lesbian friends have been the most vocal about saying to not forget that the government still has agents in our community. Some European-descent friends scoff, saying, “I don’t want to hear conspiracy theories,” but it’s not a theory – it is reality. African American Lesbians witnessed how the government worked to destroy the Black Panther Party and even christian civil rights organizations with the Cointel program. This is well-documented, and the damage continues, with drugs brought into African American communities. If you have any doubts, look it up. One website says “Cointel-Pro created or instigated several intra-and inter-group disruptions for the Black Panther Party.” 

I remember a documentary showing interviews with several of Malcolm X’s bodyguards who were FBI agents. They were there when he was assassinated. Although they reported on him to the government, they were crying because they could not stop the assassins (sent by Louis Farrakhan and the Black Muslims). These agents loved Malcolm and didn’t want him to die, but it was amazing that he didn’t know several of his closest bodyguards were agents. 

Some question, “Why would they bother with Lesbians?” Well, there were Lesbians in the Weather Underground, and the FBI went through another embarrassment when they had no idea who the SLA were when the SLA kidnapped Patty Hearst, I would think they’d rather not be caught like that again.  At least two SLA members had been in our Bay Area Lesbian community. A friend of mine had briefly been lovers with Camilla Hall. (Another good reason to not join male-run organizations – what a way to die – burned alive. Not to mention that since Patty Hearst says the men in the SLA raped her, they likely raped the other women also.)

Government agents in our Lesbian communities report back, but also work to disrupt any kind of strong movement we create.  Just one determined individual can do tremendous damage with lying. One publication taken over by the trans or genderqueer lobby also does tremendous damage. Laws are already being changed. We have almost nothing left that we once had as a revolutionary Lesbian Feminist movement.